THE ONE THING I ASKED HIM NOT TO DO!!!

[imverynosey]

Soooo angry right now. AIBU?
I asked my partner to watch our 2 month old whilst I went for afternoon tea (first time I'd ever left them alone properly)

I specifically said PLEASE DO NOT FALL ASLEEP WITH HER ON YOU OR NEXT TO YOU ON THE SOFA. He knows how anxious I am about SIDS, he's heard the horror stories. He knows babies have died this way. All day I had a dreadful anxiety that he would do it and woe betide I come in and they are asleep next to each other on the sofa!!! I'm so angry my wishes have yet again being DISRESPECTED AND IGNORED !!!!!

Agree about the dark characters doing this.

This was how my ExH started - the one thing I asked him to do ( or not do) would be the thing that was ignored.

it was like he resented being told anything, so would purposely go against those wishes.

Then he started ruining key events for me. Brithdays, gatherings- he’d start an argument

Is he the dad or a new partner?

He's clearly not prioritizing the child

OUR two month old. Obviously he’s the dad.

I third this. It would be a deal breaker for me (now) unless he is absolutely mortified and apologetic. Unfortunately I kept letting my stbx get away with stuff like this, including feeding only himself in front of our toddler. It will get worse.

How did he respond?

Fuck off. Go read some articles on babies who have died by being smothered to death on couches. It's one of the most dangerous things for a newborn baby.

@Aliceisagooddog My friend's brother is a paramedic.
His very first 999 response call was to a young baby who suffocated due to lying on a sofa with their sleeping parent.
He tells this story to all his friends when they tell him they are expecting.
It's just awful what OP's partner has done. He sounds feckless and irresponsible

I worked alongside a girl many years ago who had a few months off to give birth to her first child. She was up overnight feeding and trying to settle a grizzly 7 week old baby. Her partner eventually came to check on her and found her conked out on the settee with the baby suffocated beside her. That was over 30 years ago and I’ve never forgotten her. It was utterly heartbreaking.

This man needs to eat a concrete mixer full of humble pie. Irresponsible dadding of the highest order. It's difficult as the trust is gone. You are not overreacting, they are so vulnerable at that age.

If your baby had tragically died, it wouldn't have been SIDS. SIDS is sudden infant death syndrome, normally unexplained.
Smothering a baby to death on the couch is suffocation/smothering. It's so so so fucking dangerous you DO NOT FALL ASLEEP WITH A NEWBORN ON THE COUCH.
I've read articles from women who's baby died in this manner, its heartbreaking and completely unavoidable.
I've had 2 babies. I've been TIRED. You put the baby in the cot (or a safe bassinet pram) BEFORE you sleep.

My gods I would have given him the bollocking of his LIFE. What else does he do that's selfish and irresponsible?

Lol. Think that says more about you thann OP's partner!

I know someone that happened to too. Suffocation, her twat of an H with her son on the sofa.

she would probably have said the same as you just did.

they’re divorced now of course.

and their baby is dead.

Oh really, do you?

Completely unacceptable OP. An awful tragedy could have occurred. You can never trust him again in a similar situation.

OP show him this thread.

then show him the door. There’s no point, none at all.

@Aliceisagooddog I think it's really weird that she was so insistent and terrified and he then did that knowing how fearful she was. That's probably fuelling alot of our reactions.

I understand your comment as I know many people eye rolled at many things I did ( letting child jump off very high equipment, climb extremely high trees very young etc). I do get that some people genuinely wouldn't recognise the level of risk here. It all sounds a bit more than this though

Yes that is very dangerous. It is why I set up a sleeping area in the living room for my babies so that there was less chance for me to fall asleep with them on the sofa. I just remember how sleep deprived I was and I found myself sitting there holding my baby and I would think…ok they’re asleep now…I’ll just rest my eyes for count of ten and then I will take them upstairs to their crib…and it would be so hard to get up and go upstairs. I’d be swaying with exhaustion and be putting it off to gather energy that never came. Then I’d do the head snap thing where you’ve fallen asleep and then woken up and that got me up the stairs. But I knew I couldn’t even rely on myself. So I set up a sleeping area downstairs in the living room for my DC for these exact times. It was just a smaller cot than the crib upstairs.

I would still leave him with the baby. He made a mistake, one that surely would not be repeated.

Oh come on. He is a parent to a 2 month old baby - bit of a wild jump there from maybe being a tired parent of a young baby to a drug user!
OP - absolutely I would be fuming, it is incredibly dangerous and irresponsible, even after you explicitly said to him how dangerous it is and not to do so. This would be genuine deal breaker stuff for me, he put the life of your child at risk.

You are right to be angry but there's not a whole lot you can do about it now. Learn your lesson and never trust him to babysit until your DD is much older. Pay someone responsible to do it.

https://www.lullabytrust.org.uk/safer-sleep-advice/co-sleeping/

Never fall asleep on a sofa or armchair with your baby. The risk of SIDS is 50 times higher for babies when they sleep on a sofa or armchair with an adult. They are also at risk of accidental death as they can easily slip into a position where they are trapped and can’t breathe.

Is he trying to establish himself and incompetent and untrustworthy so that he doesn’t have to pull his weight?

Mumsnet shithousery at its finest.

Meanwhile, in the real world, it's absolutely not okay. It's not about SIDS, it's about suffocation. But he's got a newborn baby. Everyone is probably very tired. Leaving the bloke or accusing him of drugs though.. are you on drugs??? Give him a pasting and reinforce the dangers of it.

But drugs and alcohol takes the biscuit 😂😂😂😂

Yes, I too am making allowances for exhaustion.
I am not assuming he did it on purpose, but that as it was his first time he probably had no idea how difficult it is to fight the exhaustion to make sure the sleeping baby safely gets upstairs to their cot. (Which is why I set up a crib downstairs in the living room).

If you leave him you may end up having to share care and not be there to protect her

fucking horrendous, you have my sympathies, 100%

Simply being pragmatic, the best outcome would be for him to really take on board the seriousness of what has happened, and only you know whether that is likely to be possible or not. You will have a better chance at it if he doesn’t feel defensive, and that means you probably need to process some of your anger before you talk to him any further about it. Whether that means you just take some time out/ space/time/get him to fuck off to his mums for a bit … this has immediately become about your relationship with each other because if you lose that, you may find yourself unable to protect her. I’ve been there, and had to watch my child be neglected and hurt over a long period. The family courts do not give a tiny shit about things like this.

if he genuinely doesn’t give a shit then you really are in trouble, and I would not dare split up with him until she is a bit older and less fragile.

it’s so very fucked. I hope he is just being a defensive Idiot and can be talked around

She could have died by suffocating. How neglectful and incompetent. He needs to educate himself on safe sleep. If he doesn't take this very seriously you need to think about your relationship and how to keep your daughter safe.