THE ONE THING I ASKED HIM NOT TO DO!!!

[imverynosey]

Soooo angry right now. AIBU?
I asked my partner to watch our 2 month old whilst I went for afternoon tea (first time I'd ever left them alone properly)

I specifically said PLEASE DO NOT FALL ASLEEP WITH HER ON YOU OR NEXT TO YOU ON THE SOFA. He knows how anxious I am about SIDS, he's heard the horror stories. He knows babies have died this way. All day I had a dreadful anxiety that he would do it and woe betide I come in and they are asleep next to each other on the sofa!!! I'm so angry my wishes have yet again being DISRESPECTED AND IGNORED !!!!!

That's really bad, OP. I'm sorry. The very fact he is minimising it is very worrying and means you can't trust him, which is a terrible position to be in.

I agree that all parents make mistakes but these are accidents. He's not even accepting it, he can't see the issue. I honestly don't know what you can do.

Well we don’t know if he was trying to do his best. We haven’t heard his side of the story.

This. You are not being OTT at all. You are being a good parent and not risking your baby's life.

He did accept it?

He eventually said sorry and that he was really tired, that he understands and will not do it again.

Yes, everyone on this thread is "insanely overreacting" and you are the lone voice of reason 🙄

Or, you are woefully ignorant on the subject and simply don't understand the risks because you haven't bothered to read the wealth of statistics and information that is available to parents on how to keep their babies safe from preventable causes of death. Very strange to have such a strong opinion about something you are uneducated in.

Five minutes can, unfortunately, be all it takes to smother a baby.

This. Absolutely.

Probably the most correct comment so far.

In general he sounds terrible (the drinking / not checking on you feeling dizzy etc)

I'm going to be honest and say I slept with my daughter for the first year.. well between it being me or her swing.. otherwise she never slept- she was prem had lots of gastro issues. I'm not excusing his behaviour though as it was a FEW HOURS... surely he didn't need a nap!

My first was an angel, slept through the night so when my daughter came along and never slept, I was like the walking dead and done what I could to function.

I totally understand why you’re so upset as I am also terrified of SIDS, my baby is 5 months now and I worry still constantly. But at the same time when you are absolutely exhausted, it can happen. Mistakes can happen, accidents can happen. I know how dangerous it is, I know the risks, but can I honestly say that when I’d been up for over 24 hours straight I’ve never accidentally fallen asleep while breastfeeding when I NEVER ever meant to? No. And thank God my husband didn’t crucify me for it. And I know, I was lucky and my baby is fine. But God exhaustion is fucking brutal, and even with the tv on, my Kindle in my hand, all the lights on, those accidents can happen. What I’d focus on if you are both truly that tired is feeding/holding in positions that minimise the risks, so on the sofa is a no, but in bed, with a safe sleep set up, at least you can manage the risks. Blaming someone terribly for falling asleep while absolutely bone tired is not as helpful going forward as trying to put things in place together to ensure it’s as safe as possible going forward.

And I say this as mum of a 5 month old who I’m convinced is allergic to sleep, who is also terrified of SIDS.

I think it’s pretty unforgivable particularly since you had mentioned the dangers to him before.

Is he so hands-on and up at night with the baby that he would need to have a nap in the afternoon?

As someone who bed shared, I would have packed a bag for me and my baby as soon as I had her in my arms and left that night.

That's how serious this is: I would walk out and not be in the same building as him tonight.

I'm so sorry for your little baby.

I would also consider contacting extended family and/or health visitor to reiterate how dangerously close he came to killing your joint child because it seems you're 'just the mum' 'being dramatic/over sensitive' etc rather than being seen as the competent one.

You are biologically safer to sleep in the same bed as your baby because of your hormones. He is just oblivious to the risks he's put her at.

I think that's different, @Mrsttcno1 - this man hasn't given birth and isn't breast feeding. If he felt tired he ought to have put the baby in a moses basket or whatever, next to him. The priority is always to follow the rules to keep your baby safe. He didn't even seem aware of the basics.

He tried, and said she kept screaming everytime he put her down.
We know he was aware, OP told him.
I think it was more tiredness took over despite his best efforts and going forward need some new tactics to prevent it happening again.

You are biologically safer to sleep in the same bed as your baby because of your hormones.

This is a dangerous myth. It is just as dangerous for a mum or dad to fall asleep with baby on them on the sofa or in the same bed without safe co-sleeping arrangements.

My husband could easily have made this same mistake, we’re both awake every hour of the night. We are both absolutely exhausted, it’s not a competition. He could have put her in a moses basket just as easily as I could have, and I would have, I would never intentionally fall asleep like that, neither would my husband, but when you are so so tired, you can absolutely fall asleep even when you never intend to. As I say, when you’re exhausted you can fall asleep even sat up, with all the lights on, with the TV on, I know, I’ve done it. I never planned to do that.

I just think as new parents starting a battle isn’t the best way forward. Be upset, be scared, put strategies in place absolutely, but that newborn tiredness is unbelievable and accidents do happen.

I'm so so surprised at this. Was he trying to kill the child. If so leave him. Absolutely. That's the sensible thing to do. IMO. Mumsnet is giving wrong advice.

If, as I suspect he was just not thinking / exhausted/ whatever. Then give him some slack. This will nit he the first time either one of you do something that could potentially cause damage. You learn. You support and you talk. Don't go into hysterics.

At 5 mths I left my DD on the bed and ran to the kitchen to get her milk. Next I hear a massive crash and crying. Of course she'd rolled off the bed. My husband came out of shower and rather than get cross, gave me a massive hug and wiped my tears. Parenthood is tough. If you don't like your husband. Leave him. If you do. Work it out and give him a hug.

Agree it’s not SIDS you’d be dealing with but suffocation due to negligence…
He should have put baby to bed properly before having a nap himself. It’s not only lazy but absolutely negligent. x

OP, does dh work nights? Did he work last night?

How dangerously close did he come to killing the baby. How many babies die each year out of the babies where the parent falls asleep with them on the sofa.

FFS when mine were born 30 years ago, the midwives told us to feed lying on our sides, and mine told me it was fine on the sofa.

I accept one doesn't do it now but only 40 years ago health professionals were telling mothers to out tiny babies to sleep on their tummies.

The hysteria seems to have escalated out of all proportion.

I safely co sleep with my babies (only did past 6 months though) and I've also fallen asleep breastfeeding but intentionally and in a safe position

Well said.

@RosesAndHellebores

FFS when mine were born 30 years ago, the midwives told us to feed lying on our sides, and mine told me it was fine on the sofa.

You know they stopped giving this advice because babies died?

Well, whatever - he put a baby at risk.
He shouldn't have done it, he needed to find another strategy.

I agree, it's not a "mistake", it's negligence.