THE ONE THING I ASKED HIM NOT TO DO!!!

[imverynosey]

Soooo angry right now. AIBU?
I asked my partner to watch our 2 month old whilst I went for afternoon tea (first time I'd ever left them alone properly)

I specifically said PLEASE DO NOT FALL ASLEEP WITH HER ON YOU OR NEXT TO YOU ON THE SOFA. He knows how anxious I am about SIDS, he's heard the horror stories. He knows babies have died this way. All day I had a dreadful anxiety that he would do it and woe betide I come in and they are asleep next to each other on the sofa!!! I'm so angry my wishes have yet again being DISRESPECTED AND IGNORED !!!!!

If he was exhausted &
If you hadn't clearly told him your fears &
If he was a light sleeper
He'd still be in the wrong and in his shoes I'd apologise but at least 2 maybe all 3 of the above was not the case. Someone once told me you can teach a person who doesn't know but there's no cure for ignorance (probably mis remembered but you get the gist).
Don't know what to suggest other than you need a reliable babysitter set up in case you need one at least until your DD is more competent than her dad (about 7 yr old I imagine 👀😳).

I too would be furious that he has risked your DC with his stupidity. For me, loud and clear though, is his fucking blase attitude to your explicit instructions/wishes TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF HIS OWN CHILD. I used to be married to a twat like this who seemed to get a kick out of doing the one thing that I had requested ( because I make it my business to learn stuff) him not to. He was a misogynistic arsehole who had one opinion on everything. His own. I feel for you OP. I'm not sure how you navigate this now because if he's not sorry then he's not willing to learn. :(

No way, I'd have gone crazy over this when my girl was a baby! Like, left with her for the night and everything!

Ok so ive read through pretty much all of this thread, wow alot of anger directed at a mistake, yes a very dangerous mistake but not intentional- nobody here ever woke up and not remember actually falling to sleep?
my youngest is 8 months old, ebf, i also have 4 older children 2 are special needs, and during the first few weeks of her life i hardly got any sleep at all, and while breastfeeding (sat up) on the sofa one day i started drifting off, did my OH come raging in screaming at me that im gonna kill our baby? No, he gently shook me and said “careful love your falling to sleep” took the baby out my arms and popped her in her bouncy chair to sleep, i understand he went against your wishes but it probably wasn’t intentional, if you truly believe he is a “lazy man child” why did you have a baby with him? Or maybe its your mummy brain gone into overdrive and going a bit OTT with the rage towards tired daddy? xx

She said it was “the first time she had left them alone”. So your scenario is entirely different and not remotely comparable. He was not exhausted from looking after hordes of kids this was his first time on his own the baby. Unforgivable.

It not entirely different, I unintentionally fell asleep on the sofa with my baby because i was tired, the only difference is i am mummy so instead of thinking ‘what a lazy cow’ its ‘oh poor woman must be knackered from looking after baby’ and i would be reassured ‘it happens’ ‘oh no poor you, you must have felt terrible’ ‘your exhausted from looking after hordes of children’ 🤨.
i see this many times on here and daddy always gets raged at for mistakes that could happen to the best of us, clear the rage fog and actually look at it from a logical perspective, yes he fell asleep with baby on the sofa, of course he tried to defend himself, you always go on defence when you feel bad, he did later apologise after giving it some thought, move on- but people are now saying he can never be trusted again and that she should leave him or one comment “he probably doing drugs or drinking”, this is why there are so many couples that break up after having a baby too quick to judge the other is a bad parent because they made a mistake xx

But she specifically warned him not to do this. Please stop with the “mummy” and “daddy” wording <shudders>

Gosh this thread makes me feel awful as a first time mom! It’s helpful to read a post like this.

my husband asked me never to fall asleep with the baby on the sofa. He came home last week from work and walked right in to where I was fast asleep with the baby on my lap. I had the small Moses basket right next to me and I know I kept trying to put the baby in but he screamed and when I held him he was calm. I know I reacted defensively rather than admit the mistake straight away.

BUT he didn’t berate me or threaten to walk out with his son. He did calmly remind me why we needed to minimise the risk. He took some time off work so I could sleep the next day and now if I’m tired asks a member of family to come around so I can have a nap. I made a mistake and he helped me / made a plan. I felt supported. He also said the same was for him as he is exhausted from work that when I go out if he is tired - I should phone someone to come around.

Im sure that I’ve read being exhausted gives you the same capability to make decisions as being drunk. Surely it would be helpful to encourage new parents to work as a team and find solutions rather than to immediately villainise each other. If my husband had reacted the way so many people on here have suggested, mentally I would not have been okay. No wonder the divorce rate is so high after having newborns if this is how people treat one another.

Doesn’t he live in the same house as the baby and is working as well? It seems unfair to say mothers can be exhausted but dads can’t. It’s a massive change to both parents. How can you possibly judge this father was not exhausted?

That’s dangerous !!
you explicitly told him not to do that , and he’s done it .
He will be very tired of course , as most new parents are , but you lay baby down in their crib ( best to have a crib in the living room ) if you feel yourself nodding off !!!
It’s not the same thing as for example feeding an 8 month old baby a different ( but still appropriate ) dinner when you’d specified something else

I wouldn't focus on being disr aeoxtes and ignored - he fell asleep.

I'd focus on the head fact that when he feels even a little tired or sleepy, he MUST put baby in their cot or Moses basket.

This is why I do and have done ALL the night shifts with my 13 week old . Just to prove my point he rocked her to sleep one night and I was sat on the bed next to them 10 minutes and he was asleep holding her and was just starting to lose his grip on her ( I was watching the whole time) . He also wouldn't hear her if he is in a deep sleep (I've tested this) . Makes me sad that he doesn't have the same awareness of her . But no OP to answer your question you have every right to be furious

Usually I think people over react on this forum, but I have personally seen 5 babies die this way in peads A&E, so I’m totally with you on this one OP. I’d be livid.

I only read a page, which was enough for me: Bashing the dad, saying leave him, that this was a red flag, accusing him of being drunk and taking drugs. He could just be tired, or is it only moms who get run ragged? She never said how he was sleeping, the type of chair, etc; at two months old, the baby could have been snuggled up in dad's arms, and he could have fallen asleep after a two-hour crying session and didn't want to move.

Over the last three days of reading here (Mum's net), the only red flags I've seen are entitled women who think they are owed something. Unless they don't get their way 110% of the time, the logical response to that is to leave their husbands. Get a grip.

OP, I'm not trying to put you down or have a go at you. You sound like a loving mother who loves her kid, and I know the heartbreak, like millions of moms and dads, around miscarriage and the urge to protect your child. You will both do things wrong and you won't always agree but I know it's easier to hash out a plan for parenting together than two single parents.

Well said, i feel terrible for any dads coming across these threads for a bit of support and find all that actually happens is dad/partner bashing ALOT.
i read a post the other day where a mum had forgot to strap her baby into the car seat and the baby fell out and face planted the road (honest mistake on the mums part) and she got all the sympathy in the world, a dad makes an honest mistake (no actual harm came to the baby either) and he should never be trusted again! She needs to leave him etc god what ever happened to actually talking to each other? Working out issues together as partners/parents? No it’s instantly hes a bad dad leave him! 🤦🏻‍♀️

It's not about women bashing men

The mum asked the dad not to do something she knows to be dangerous but he didn't listen and did it anyway. He didn't put her bedtime babygrow on in the day, he didn't ignore her and use the red towel instead of blue or give the milk without warming it up. He risked the child's life and it wasn't a mistake as he was told. He knew.

Oh yes - thank goodness we have 'man here' to enlighten us after being on Mumsnet for 3 days and only reading the first page

How grateful we should be for the manly wisdom

My partner can completely sleep through a baby crying it's insane. My babies only have to breathe differently and I wake up.

You’re welcome. I skimmed a bit more of the thread, and it was mainly the same thing. No one questioned the op when she said she went out driving after being very very dizzy, she shares the road with my children who she could have ran into and killed. Again not bashing you OP just highlighting the disparity in comments and actions.

It doesn’t matter if I’ve got a dick or not, like most people here I’m a parent, have been for 20 years, I’ve been a young dad and an old dad, thankfully I’m not a single dad who may turn to these forums looking for some advise, I’ve also been around long enough to know that a partnership is just that, you can’t have everything your own way all the time, you’re not always right and your going to make mistakes.

I’m not sure what’s worse attempting to ‘call me out’ for being a man or you having the shame to try and say that my opinion is not valid because it came from a man.

I may have only been here for three days but I’ve read hundreds of threads over the years and been a parent for 20. Unlike a lot of posters that I read I’m willing to listen and learn, look at things from a different perspective, admit when I’m wrong, but I don’t need to tell you that that doesn’t happen very often with all my ‘manly wisdom’ not just say shit like LTB, red flags, I’d never trust him again.

I would understand if she walked him on her fucking the neighbour but he fell asleep with his child.

I'd recover a lot faster from dh snagging the neighbour than finding my baby suffocated beside him.

Fair point about the dizzy comment. I did wonder about that but felt she'd been thorough enough and didn't want to lay into her. But she does need to think about that and not do it again.

All my 4 children are now in their 20s and 30s and things have changed so much, I'd nap on the sofa all the time with my babies. But can I ask what is the difference with napping on the sofa or co-sleeping?

A sofa is soft and spongy with lots of places to get stuck down and suffocate, it only takes a second for baby to slip down. Bed sharing is only meant to be done on a firm mattress for a start and following the safe 7.

Just because your babies survived it doesn’t make it any less dangerous. I posted above that I did with my first baby out of pure desperation and I feel so lucky nothing happened to her.

So can I or say did I. I go to bed to sleep not to hear babies

You're going to kick him out because of this one incident which could have been serious but ultimately wasn't? Is that the best thing for you, and for your child?

In all honesty are you more riled about what ultimately didn't happen, or that fact that you were DISRESPECTED and IGNORED? I've got to be honest, that's how I read it initially, and the fact that you're now talking about kicking him out kind of confirms for me that the real issue is that you're taking it as a personal affront.