Page 12 | THE ONE THING I ASKED HIM NOT TO DO!!!

imverynosey · 2024-09-10T14:25:47+00:00

Soooo angry right now. AIBU? I asked my partner to watch our 2 month old whilst I went for afternoon tea (first time I'd ever left them alone properly) I specifically said PLEASE DO NOT FALL ASLEEP WITH HER ON YOU OR NEXT TO YOU ON THE SOFA. He knows how anxious I am about SIDS, he's heard the horror stories. He knows babies have died this way. All day I had a dreadful anxiety that he would do it and woe betide I come in and they are asleep next to each other on the sofa!!! I'm so angry my wishes have yet again being DISRESPECTED AND IGNORED !!!!!

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

SheSaidHummingbird · 10/09/2024 23:40

imverynosey · 10/09/2024 16:48

I have told him genuine stories even the nurse at her check up said a suffocated baby came into a&e last week. I cannot believe this. He has work tonight and I've said I want him to go back to his mums in the morning. He needs to fully understand the severity of what has just happened.

So he acted like he had not done wrong initially, saying "it was just for two minutes in so tired" he said "it's not that deep" as I was crying my eyes out. He eventually said sorry and that he was really tired, that he understands and will not do it again.

Yes there's a Moses basket down here and he said "every time I put her down she screamed"
What so you just risk her life instead? He's a spoilt man child and I am so so angry and disappointed at his irresponsible behaviour. This comes on the back of him coming in drunk from pub on Sunday just gone, and saying he was "alright to look after her" whilst I popped to shop. SMELLING of alcohol. Needless to say I did NOT leave her in his care. I'm starting to immensely dislike him.

@imverynosey I'm so sorry for you.

He has revealed his attitude that his needs trump your child's. He was tired, therefore, he will sleep despite the risk that poses to yours and his child. He will sleep despite you begging him not to. He will sleep because he is more important than anyone. He is a selfish narcissist.

If this doesn't give you the ick, I don't know what will. Please ask him to leave indefinitely.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/09/2024 07:36

Keep a diary of incidents for when you leave him and he tries to go for 50/50 to avoid maintenance

Next time you have a social occasion he needs to find a babysitter from his 'fun stuff' budget

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/09/2024 07:38

Shineybrightthings · 10/09/2024 16:16

I worked alongside a girl many years ago who had a few months off to give birth to her first child. She was up overnight feeding and trying to settle a grizzly 7 week old baby. Her partner eventually came to check on her and found her conked out on the settee with the baby suffocated beside her. That was over 30 years ago and I’ve never forgotten her. It was utterly heartbreaking.

And a sad part of this is she probs lying left the bedroom so the father could get some sleep in bed

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/09/2024 07:40

ToBeDetermined · 10/09/2024 16:25

Yes that is very dangerous. It is why I set up a sleeping area in the living room for my babies so that there was less chance for me to fall asleep with them on the sofa. I just remember how sleep deprived I was and I found myself sitting there holding my baby and I would think…ok they’re asleep now…I’ll just rest my eyes for count of ten and then I will take them upstairs to their crib…and it would be so hard to get up and go upstairs. I’d be swaying with exhaustion and be putting it off to gather energy that never came. Then I’d do the head snap thing where you’ve fallen asleep and then woken up and that got me up the stairs. But I knew I couldn’t even rely on myself. So I set up a sleeping area downstairs in the living room for my DC for these exact times. It was just a smaller cot than the crib upstairs.

I would still leave him with the baby. He made a mistake, one that surely would not be repeated.

Yes a Moses basket or even the pram carry cot is perfect!

I disagree that it won't be related as he is lot owning up to his mistake

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/09/2024 07:42

Could you get the health visitor round and bring this up with him there?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/09/2024 07:45

Lose6pounds · 10/09/2024 16:58

This is an insane over reaction. A father's way of doings things is as valuable as a mother’s. You have no right to impose your ott anxiety about sids on either your husband or your baby.

Not if the father's way risks baby's life!!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/09/2024 07:53

BotDranning · 10/09/2024 17:50

I'm so so surprised at this. Was he trying to kill the child. If so leave him. Absolutely. That's the sensible thing to do. IMO. Mumsnet is giving wrong advice.

If, as I suspect he was just not thinking / exhausted/ whatever. Then give him some slack. This will nit he the first time either one of you do something that could potentially cause damage. You learn. You support and you talk. Don't go into hysterics.

At 5 mths I left my DD on the bed and ran to the kitchen to get her milk. Next I hear a massive crash and crying. Of course she'd rolled off the bed. My husband came out of shower and rather than get cross, gave me a massive hug and wiped my tears. Parenthood is tough. If you don't like your husband. Leave him. If you do. Work it out and give him a hug.

If you're husband had said just before your shower 'don't leave her alone on the bed she's rolling over now' and you did it anyway and then justified your choice I don't think he'd have been hugging you

You cried and felt bad and learned from this. Doesn't sound like op husband willl.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 11/09/2024 09:39

endofthelinefinally · 10/09/2024 20:04

Ring your health visitor and ask them to speak to your husband about the dangers of sleeping with the baby on the sofa. Explain that he has ignored you and done it.

This is an excellent idea. Some men are really dismissive of anything their partners say they can be "yeah yeah whatever" but then as soon as an expert tells them they take notice!

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 11/09/2024 09:49

GiddyRobin · 10/09/2024 22:44

So? When our kids wouldn't settle and my DH was tired (rightfully so, he was up with me during all the night wakings, changing nappies and generally being a proper father), he would get off his arse and take them for a walk in the baby carrier or pram. Or pace up and down with them in the living room. Or rock them in the pram. Because he knew the alternative was sitting down and possibly falling asleep, and that's dangerous.

You know full well coming onto a thread like this and making the comments you do will rile people. I'm not angry - I'm disgusted that a woman would do that. If you actually do have children then that's even worse. This is the kind of thing a midwife or HV would make reports over, and rightfully so.

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Yes exactly. When I was exhausted with my 2nd I would get dp to push baby up and down room in a pram because then if dp fell asleep(he was doing 60 hour week night shifts so there was a real chance of him falling asleep) baby was already in a safe space. I told him don't get the baby out, just call me if he's unconsolable. Might sound controlling me saying don't get him out the pram but he accepted that he was at risk of falling asleep.

Petitchat · 11/09/2024 10:00

imverynosey · 10/09/2024 21:36

Update: I have invested in a camera. He is aware about this camera and it will be installed and put by the sofa!!!! I can check in whenever I need and shout through it too should I need to.

What a shame and bloody annoying that you have to go to such lengths.

What is it with (some) men?

biscuitandcake · 11/09/2024 10:38

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 11/09/2024 09:49

Yes exactly. When I was exhausted with my 2nd I would get dp to push baby up and down room in a pram because then if dp fell asleep(he was doing 60 hour week night shifts so there was a real chance of him falling asleep) baby was already in a safe space. I told him don't get the baby out, just call me if he's unconsolable. Might sound controlling me saying don't get him out the pram but he accepted that he was at risk of falling asleep.

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Agree! I had a non-sleeping baby and was absolutely exhausted and found myself nodding of (not actually sleeping but really close) on the sofa. So I stopped breast feeding on the sofa when I was tired because it wasn't safe. I am not a fan of cry it out, but if you are really really tired it is much better for the baby to be sad in their bassinet than happy but unsafe on the sofa. in the end I ended up lying down on the bed to feed with the baby alongside me and no covers because that was a much safer place to fall asleep with a baby but that's not necessarily relevant because I doubt OPs DH is breast feeding.

TheCultureHusks · 11/09/2024 10:43

imverynosey · 10/09/2024 21:41

I am still so so so upset with him. He's at work now, and thinks the idea of a camera is ridiculous. I say tough shit x

‘We can split up now if you think that’s what you’d prefer?’

BlackShuck3 · 11/09/2024 12:36

He thinks the camera is ridiculous?
This is him giving himself a reason to turn the ridiculous thing off.

Bobafett2020 · 11/09/2024 17:58

imverynosey · 10/09/2024 15:44

Thank you all so much for your support , I honestly am in tears. I am so glad I walked in when I did. He is so fucking blaze about it too , "it's not that deep" and "my eyes were closed for five minutes" my god the rage I feel is insane , again thank you for your support x

God that "my eyes were closed for 5 minutes" triggered me even 25 years later. My ex used to get into bed and go fast asleep if I left him with the children whatever time of day. I feel your rage.

Jack80 · 11/09/2024 18:02

I get your point as I imagine it was scary to see. Do you not have a moses basket you could have put next to the sofa for him to put the baby in. You have to trust him otherwise you will never go anywhere.

Just4thisthreadtoday · 11/09/2024 18:23

imverynosey · 10/09/2024 18:08

Currently having mummy snuggles and never want to leave her side again lol. I will ask him if he could ask his mum to have her next time !!!

Thank you for being such a supportive community , it did shake me up x

I want one!!

Just4thisthreadtoday · 11/09/2024 18:24

Jack80 · 11/09/2024 18:02

I get your point as I imagine it was scary to see. Do you not have a moses basket you could have put next to the sofa for him to put the baby in. You have to trust him otherwise you will never go anywhere.

@Jack80

someone hasn't read the OP's posts!!

come on, MN couldn't make it any easier!

joolsella · 11/09/2024 18:48

When my child was first born, my partner did a few things like this and totally blasé about it

Thankfully no harm came to the baby but the resentment is still there and im seething now just thinking about it

Men dont have the same level of care that women do

joolsella · 11/09/2024 18:49

You can split but im sure he will want access to the baby.

Baby is safer with you together

Ctu24agent · 11/09/2024 18:55

whydididothatagain · 10/09/2024 15:39

Also why was he sleeping in the afternoon? That's another red flag. If he can't keep awake then I'd be worried he was drinking heavily or taking drugs around the baby.

You’re joking right? Up at night (presuming he’s doing his share of feeding/nappies) of course he will be tired in the day!

not ever an excuse to sleep with the baby on the sofa though. OP I’d be raging too.

Teddybear23 · 11/09/2024 19:10

Yes all parents make mistakes but he was virtually begged by the Op not to fall asleep with baby with him on the sofa and he did exactly that? The other examples were genuine mistakes or accidents- this was practically deliberate as he’d no excuse for ignoring the mother.

Umbrella15 · 11/09/2024 19:13

whydididothatagain · 10/09/2024 15:39

Also why was he sleeping in the afternoon? That's another red flag. If he can't keep awake then I'd be worried he was drinking heavily or taking drugs around the baby.

What lol, maybe he was just tired because of work, or had been working nights. I have a very stressful job and quite often fall asleep mid afternoon. I dont drink or take drugs.

Teddybear23 · 11/09/2024 19:29

Would he not just move the camera when you’re out though?

NiftyKoala · 11/09/2024 19:46

A coworkers baby died exactly this way. Myself and my best friend also a coworker were psychoticly vigilant with our babies born after this and I make no apologies.

Thisandthat999 · 11/09/2024 20:04

KurtShirty · 10/09/2024 16:34

If you leave him you may end up having to share care and not be there to protect her

fucking horrendous, you have my sympathies, 100%

Simply being pragmatic, the best outcome would be for him to really take on board the seriousness of what has happened, and only you know whether that is likely to be possible or not. You will have a better chance at it if he doesn’t feel defensive, and that means you probably need to process some of your anger before you talk to him any further about it. Whether that means you just take some time out/ space/time/get him to fuck off to his mums for a bit … this has immediately become about your relationship with each other because if you lose that, you may find yourself unable to protect her. I’ve been there, and had to watch my child be neglected and hurt over a long period. The family courts do not give a tiny shit about things like this.

if he genuinely doesn’t give a shit then you really are in trouble, and I would not dare split up with him until she is a bit older and less fragile.

it’s so very fucked. I hope he is just being a defensive Idiot and can be talked around

This is very true and good advice. I agree with you OP and think he’s been totally stupid and it’s unacceptable. However, if you split right now and he gets a percentage of the custody you can’t know what he’s doing when he’s with her.
Let’s hope he’s learnt from this and will realise he mucked up. If he doesn’t you might want to think of an exit plan in the future when your daughter is a little older and less vulnerable.

THE ONE THING I ASKED HIM NOT TO DO!!!

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