THE ONE THING I ASKED HIM NOT TO DO!!!

[imverynosey]

Soooo angry right now. AIBU?
I asked my partner to watch our 2 month old whilst I went for afternoon tea (first time I'd ever left them alone properly)

I specifically said PLEASE DO NOT FALL ASLEEP WITH HER ON YOU OR NEXT TO YOU ON THE SOFA. He knows how anxious I am about SIDS, he's heard the horror stories. He knows babies have died this way. All day I had a dreadful anxiety that he would do it and woe betide I come in and they are asleep next to each other on the sofa!!! I'm so angry my wishes have yet again being DISRESPECTED AND IGNORED !!!!!

I think the inflammatory waffle is calling posters names like “moron” and thinking “common sense” means demand perfection.

No one has said or even implied he had bad intentions. But statistics do not matter if your child is the one that dies. 1 in 1 million is still one too many when you're burying a child. Are you caring more about thinking you are right than supporting a new mum who has had a fright and shock and might need to rethink her relationship? Use some of the brain cells I assume you have .

If my partner did that he would be thrown out. As he's your husband I imagine you can't do that (!) but it's time for harsh words and a refusal to allow him to 'look after' her in future.

I can only assume this poster doesn't have children. If so, I feel sorry for them because if this is how she behaves online in regards to child safety, I can only imagine her actions in real life to be even more blasé.

He didn’t get angry he got defensive at first which is usual knee jerk reaction to say you’ve only closed your eyes for five minutes and you kept trying to put her down but she kept screaming. He was saying he had tried.

He apologised, said he understood and it wouldn’t happen again.

I think installing a camera is ridiculous. It shows a level of paranoia that I honestly do not think is warranted.

One mistake isn’t proof a person cannot be trusted ever again with anything, that is an over-reaction.

All babies lives are at risk with all mums and dads because anyone can make a mistake.

Lots of incorrect assumptions have been made on this thread, so what is yet another one? I do have children. I am not blasé about child safety. I do think however that parenting is not a one mistake and you’re done journey. If dad makes one error, divorce him and we are down to single mum. Then mum makes a mistake, and then what? Child is taken into foster care.

It isn’t blasé to recognise a dangerous mistake was made and to then take steps to future proof without going on some sort of retaliatory warpath.

He put a baby's life in danger and continued to downplay the situation. I've caught my DH falling asleep whilst holding a cup of tea and jerked him awake - he didn't throw a fit. This man threw a tantrum when he fell asleep holding a baby.

He didn't make a mistake. He didn't place the child in her basket. It was the middle of the day. It wasn't 3am and he's not been doing night times with the baby, nor was he coming off the back of a nightshift at work. He's just a lazy arsehole who can't be trusted to care for his own child for an afternoon.

You really just want to be right, but you just sound ignorant.

The things you post are far more inflammatory than me stating you’re a moron - don’t be so modest. I wouldn’t say not being purposefully obtuse to sensitive subjects and just generally being an all round aggravator who tries to minimise and unnecessarily criticise people’s concerns is demanding perfection. How odd. Your standards must be exceptionally low. If that genuinely is your thought process it does give a better insight as you why you’re so deeply unpleasant to people with the regularity that you are. Common decency isn’t perfection, it’s basic. You should try it sometime.

And what steps is her partner taking? Because I can't see any other than him defending himself and calling her names.

You're being absurd.

I think I am supporting her in advising that these mistakes do happen and they do not require “binning” your husband or refusing to let him take care of the child ever again or setting up spy cameras all over the house.

Support isnt always advising the harshest most extreme reaction. Support can be advising a more moderate and reasoned approach focussed on better safety in future for the DD rather than focussing on punishing and excluding the DH from parenting.

Oh come off it @ToBeDetermined . The issue here is he was told not to do it, he was told why it's dangerous, he did it anyway and then kicked off, sulked and did not accept he was wrong.

He didn’t throw a tantrum from what I read, he did put her in her Moses basket several times but she kept screaming so he picked her back up again. He was defensive in the face of OP furious rage- who wouldn’t be? If someone is angry I try and placate by saying what I did try, that I didn’t mean to, that’s all he did.

He made a mistake.

It’s not about being right to me, must be that to you. Otherwise you would not be desperately calling me every insult under the Sun simply because I have an alternate viewpoint. You don’t have to react like you are to my advice. You don’t need to get so angry.

I would say that the time for this approach was back when the OP explicitly imparted her worst fear to her DH and he still ignored her.

He had one job.

My sister had a bad feeling like you did OP. Her DH was supposed to be caring for their DD but no man has ever been lazier and he will not have looked away from his phone from the minute sister left the house. She left the event she was supposed to attend and arrived home to find the kid had made a campfire on top of a plastic stool and had just lit a load of firelighters. Another few minutes and the whole place would have been on fire. She walked in and it was clear he hadn't seen the kid for over an hour. She spent the kids childhood afraid to ever let him have sole charge so had to make other arrangements - pathetic.

He did accept he made a mistake. The OP wrote that he accepted he was wrong, he apologised, he understands and it won’t happen again. I don’t see what is so inflammatory about going by what the OP has written instead of whatever you feel like fabricating.

Op you don't trust him.
The camera will not help, even with you 'shouting' if he's in a deep sleep again.

Going out and watching him on the camera will result in you not fully switching off or him moving away from the camera (to the bed?) or even removing saying you need to trust him.

I'm with you 100% and he should no way have done what he did today but a camera won't solve the issues you have which will only become more obvious now you have a dc.

Even with a camera I wouldn't leave the baby with him. She could be smothered in SECONDS when you nip to the loo or are driving so can't watch them.
Please don't let a camera give you reassurance.

He's on a win win though, no more babysitting his own child.

So? When our kids wouldn't settle and my DH was tired (rightfully so, he was up with me during all the night wakings, changing nappies and generally being a proper father), he would get off his arse and take them for a walk in the baby carrier or pram. Or pace up and down with them in the living room. Or rock them in the pram. Because he knew the alternative was sitting down and possibly falling asleep, and that's dangerous.

You know full well coming onto a thread like this and making the comments you do will rile people. I'm not angry - I'm disgusted that a woman would do that. If you actually do have children then that's even worse. This is the kind of thing a midwife or HV would make reports over, and rightfully so.

Not fabricating anything. You clearly haven't read everything and understood.

You are angry, “rile” means to anger.
It is a feature of life that we do run into people with different beliefs and views than our own. Perhaps you should practice a bit of tolerance? You do seem to be rigid of thought and expect everyone to agree with you.

I suppose I should be more like you? You are oh so very pleasant and uncritical.

I'm well aware of what rile means. I didn't say that I was riled, did I? I said I was disgusted.

Child safety doesn't leave room for tolerance or acceptance of poor behaviour. You've come onto this thread making claims that go against almost every single other poster here. You can't actually argue past "it was a mistake".

Mistakes cost lives, and this was more than a mistake. He'd been warned of the dangers and he did it anyway. That's unacceptable for most mothers. If you'd accept it, then I suppose your bar must be pretty damn low. Maybe you're used to accepting poor behaviour from your DH.

I’ve not made any claims that go against what happened, which was a mistake.

I have offered a perspective and advice for future proofing that is very like several other posters, although we are a minority view.

There is no one course of action being advised. Even those who believe the baby can never be left alone with the DH are divided on the camera issue.

I am one of many voices which is what the OP wanted- a variety of views. Doesn’t mean she agrees with me, but she asked my opinion and I have given it. There is no reason to attempt to silence me or police the thread. Have a good evening.

That’s for OP and her DH to discuss together. I don’t think OP can dictate a solution anymore than he can or mumsnet for that matter.

There is no absurdity in parents sitting down with a view to make things safer and better going forward. Anger and apology is all well and good in the moment, but ultimately they will need to work together.

Silence you. Sorry, but that's given me a chuckle. Possibly the bit of light relief the OP might need after the day she's had.

I wonder if you're this insufferable in general.

Anyway, apologies to OP for the derail. Can't be nice having to read such nonsense. I hope you can see by this thread that opinions such as that of your DP are truly in the minority and you've every right to be upset. I hope you're feeling better.

OP, this thread has understandably got quite heated. Just some general advice I wish I’d had at this stage:

Your DH did an awful thing and clearly hasn’t faced up to the reality of being a parent yet. It takes some men longer than others (and some never do). You have a 9-month head start on the dad at being a parent (putting someone other than yourself first).

Ultimately though your DH is the person you married and the child’s father, he is the only one who can step up and learn how to be her dad. Unfortunately leaving him isn’t a solution, as during any unsupervised contact time he can still put your child in danger.

I understand right now you never want to leave him alone with the baby again. But please, agree time when he will be the ‘default parent’ even if you are in the same house reading a book / having a bath / scrolling insta. Don’t step in unless he asks for advice / does something actively dangerous but be there and be aware. Don’t let him get away with ‘I’m too tired’ or ‘you’re better at it’ or ‘she wants you’ - she needs to bond with dad too, you need and deserve a break, he needs to learn how to soothe her and make decisions about her care. The more time he spends being a dad the better chance he has of eventually being a decent one.