Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

Benefits of keeping small children at home

190 replies

HJA87 · 25/08/2024 12:59

In the light of a lot of negativity on several threads regarding keeping small babies at home/not using childcare for the first 3 years or so, I would like to hear from people who have done it and the benefits they are seeing. I’m hoping to have an extended mat leave by using unpaid leave and then maybe return to work v part time. I’m familiar with all the research on this topic in terms of benefits but I want to hear about real life experience.

Disclaimer: this isn’t supposed to be judgmental towards anyone who needs to/wants to use paid childcare.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
mathanxiety · 26/08/2024 20:38

Mine were all at home with me until age four.

I loved it. Their lives were relaxed and calm. We did ordinary, pleasant stuff together like going to the supermarket, singing together in the car, painting the patio with wet paintbrushes, making houses from couch cushions, a bit of baking, raking leaves, going to the park and the pool, reading together, making art, listening to music, dancing, building, dressing up and pretend play, having the freedom to lie down and take a rest if they were tired, the freedom to sit and do nothing if they needed a little quiet time.

They ended up learning to read, to write their names and little stories, numbers, counting objects, simple operations.

When they went to preschool at age four (in the US) they were well adjusted socially and ahead academically.

mathanxiety · 26/08/2024 20:40

AmyandPhilipfan · 25/08/2024 14:46

I can only offer anecdotal evidence but I have worked in private nurseries. I worked for a year in one and for a couple of years as supply around various nurseries. I wouldn't send my own child to a private nursery under the age of 3. Some childcare workers are lovely (obviously I was one of the lovely ones 😆) but a lot are not. It is an underpaid job that too many people go in for because they leave school with not very good GCSEs and don't know what else to do at college. At the nursery I worked at for a year we got a lot of students. And with the very odd exception they were all totally lacking in common sense and any real ability to meaningfully interact with children. Yet they all passed their placements because the bar to pass was extremely low.

I worked in the preschool room in my year long job so didn't get much opportunity to cuddle babies, but if I was ever sent to the baby rooms for staffing reasons the staff were generally sitting chatting and the babies were left to entertain themselves. I used to get told off for picking them up if they started crying as 'they just want their own way.' No, they wanted a bit of attention and love which was severely lacking from the other staff.

In my time as supply I regularly picked up crying children or spent time settling new starters and would be told, just leave them, they just whinge all day. On one occasion it was treated as a bit of a 'miracle' that twin boys in their first week at a nursery hadn't spent the whole day crying, as the rest of the week they had, but that was because I spent that day playing with them and talking to them and generally distracting them from being sad - nobody else could be bothered with that. At another place a toddler was crying and wanted her key worker to pick her up but the key worker refused as the tot was teething and the worker didn't want to get stuck holding her all day. I tried to comfort her but she didn't want me as she didn't know me.

Most toddlers at nurseries quickly learn that if they are playing with something they can't put it down for a second or another toddler will take it off them. They learn to hit and snatch because that gets them the toys they want. Often they don't have to learn to tidy up toys because toys are out all day and staff just tidy up at the end when all the kids are going home at slightly different times.

My mum used to teach primary and as an older, part time teacher if she was ever asked to do a day's supply in the Reception class she always said she could pick out who had been to private nursery the longest. Because they were generally the naughtiest child in the class.

Now, all of this comes from my experience twenty years ago, so hopefully nurseries have changed for the better, but I don't think it's the ideal environment for any child. If parents have to work then if they can find a good childminder I think that's usually a much better experience for a young child. But, in an ideal world, in my opinion, there is nothing better for a 0-3 than being with a loving parent full time.

One of my DDs worked at a daycare one summer and swore if she ever had children they would never have the experience she witnessed there.

KLandme · 26/08/2024 21:40

I'm aware. Yes, I reported every time. I think most people don't report what they see goes on in daycares.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
KLandme · 26/08/2024 21:52

Yup, same experiences I had.

Original poster
HJA87 · 26/08/2024 22:12

Spudthespanner · 26/08/2024 19:32

I’ve used sarcasm to illustrate how ridiculous your reply was (ie if I enjoyed them so mnich I should home school).

Yeh, you've missed their point.

The idea that we spend all our time with any loved one is ridiculous. I adore my husband, head over heels in love. I still like plenty of time to myself. It's fine for children to be in nursery and has absolutely no bearing on how much their parents love them or enjoy spending time with them. It's literally a barometer of nothing.

The most important thing for young children is to have parents who are not utterly burnt out. My child goes to nursery because I need time to be my own person so that I can be a better mother to them.

There are plenty who would judge you for going back to work at all, so maybe cool your own judgement.

Comparing it to spending time with DH is a little strange. DH does not rely on me to fulfill his basic needs from feeding to toileting like an under 3 does. He can be safely left to his own devices so I’m not choosing between being with him or leaving him with a carer. If we want to compare it to anything then it’s more like leaving an aging parent in a care home.

This thread is about benefits of not using childcare. If you dont believe it is beneficial and also have no experience of it then why comment? I couldn’t have been more clear in my OP that this is not a dig at anyone. I’ve seen a similar thing happen where there was a thread about benefits of breastfeeding-only a few posts in formula feeding mums came along to complain that the thread was meant as a judgment/insult.

OP posts:
Thinkbiglittleone · 26/08/2024 22:13

Im sorry but why can’t I say that I want to be with my children as much as possible because I love them so much/love spending time with them? It’s ok to say „I’m going back to work because I love my job” but not „I’m not golf by back to work because I love my kids”.

Oh @HJA87, is this your first SAHP thread on here. That is exactly what it means. These threads always turn into an embarrassment.

Yes you are allowed to say that the reason you chose to stay at home with your child is because your priority was to spend time, nurture and have fun with your own child and we're in a position to facilitate that.

You are allowed to say that it would have made you so sad to send them off to nursery and miss out on chunks of their day, so you chose not to.

You absolutely can say those things, and anything else you feel,as they are true, about you, not anyone else, you.

Thinkbiglittleone · 26/08/2024 22:14

Why would people compare raising and nurturing your child, to a relationship with your partner - like apples and oranges.

Original poster
HJA87 · 26/08/2024 22:21

TizerorFizz · 26/08/2024 19:27

@goongoongooooon Or worse! I find it utterly bizarre that parents think they “own” dc and somehow think other less “loved” (in their eyes) dc are second class.

@KLandme Are you American - “mom”? I doubt very much what you say you’ve seen is here in uk. You would also be 100% wrong for not following the safeguarding procedures. As staff you have full responsibility, as an individual, to report anything you believe to be “abuse”. If you didn’t you are irresponsible. There is a statutory duty to report! I guess you either are lying or you did nothing.

But abuse does sadly happen in the UK too
,see the recent case of little Genevieve for example https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/article/2024/may/20/nursery-death-of-baby-genevieve-meehan-raises-troubling-questions

This is obviously very rare but sadly does still happen.

Nursery death of baby Genevieve Meehan raises troubling questions

While deputy manager of Tiny Toes in Stockport found guilty of manslaughter, case suggests it may be about more than just one bad apple

https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/article/2024/may/20/nursery-death-of-baby-genevieve-meehan-raises-troubling-questions

OP posts:
Original poster
HJA87 · 26/08/2024 22:22

Thinkbiglittleone · 26/08/2024 22:13

Im sorry but why can’t I say that I want to be with my children as much as possible because I love them so much/love spending time with them? It’s ok to say „I’m going back to work because I love my job” but not „I’m not golf by back to work because I love my kids”.

Oh @HJA87, is this your first SAHP thread on here. That is exactly what it means. These threads always turn into an embarrassment.

Yes you are allowed to say that the reason you chose to stay at home with your child is because your priority was to spend time, nurture and have fun with your own child and we're in a position to facilitate that.

You are allowed to say that it would have made you so sad to send them off to nursery and miss out on chunks of their day, so you chose not to.

You absolutely can say those things, and anything else you feel,as they are true, about you, not anyone else, you.

Thank you ❤️I definitely didn't expect to be called creepy for not wanting to miss out on my child’s milestones and experiences.

OP posts:
KLandme · 26/08/2024 22:22

Yep. The only ppl making that judgment about them "loving DC less because blah" is literally themselves.

KLandme · 26/08/2024 22:25

Isn't it ironic how they're on here judging us for attacking them when we never did, all while actually attacking you?

Myusername19 · 26/08/2024 22:30

HJA87 · 26/08/2024 18:01

I said in my OP that there’s no judgment from me of anyone who uses childcare. What if I frame it that I want to be a SAHM because I enjoy it (spending everyday with my kids) so much. Is that ok? Because surely, like with anything else, it’s natural to want to do more of what we enjoy. I understand there might be other people out there who enjoy it just as much but have to go back to work and I wish everyone had that opportunity. Someone said I obviously have money, I bring 50% of the household income so it would be a huge adjustment from a financial point of view, particularly if I don’t go back at all for a while, but I’m ready to make some sacrifices in order to be with my kids more. I went back fully time after my eldest and every day had a horrible feeling like I was missing out on everything.

Yes, you are allowed to choose how you live your life based on what you want and enjoy. Own your decisions. Im a sahm because i want to be with my kids as much as possible while they are young. I dont want to miss anything. I enjoy this more than any job. If you can make sacrifices to make it work financially then it is absolutely ok. If you need help from universal credit to make it work, that is ok to. The system allows mothers to stay at home with kids until theyre 3.

mathanxiety · 26/08/2024 22:44

KLandme · 26/08/2024 18:29

More about not taking a risk with my boy. I've worked at 2 nurseries. And preschools. And 2 center based behavioral toddler schools. I've seen repeatedly children being too roughly handled, pushed into chairs, pulled by the arm to stand up and walk, yelled at, called names, forced to eat, laughed at. Too many times teachers and workers put on a perfect face with parents and switch when they left. I was one of the few adults there who actually loved the kids and liked to play with them.

Yes, this is the sort of treatment my DD witnessed.

There was a long waiting list for places at that nursery. Their website was a thing of beauty.

Original poster
HJA87 · 26/08/2024 22:44

KLandme · 26/08/2024 22:25

Isn't it ironic how they're on here judging us for attacking them when we never did, all while actually attacking you?

Perhaps the disclaimer in my OP was not enough and I should have put a Trigger Warning in the title!

OP posts:
veritasverity · 26/08/2024 22:52

I think it's not as simple as nursery/ home bad vs nursery/ home good.
I think it's much more nuanced than that. For some children nursery will be better than home, for other children home will be better than nursery; but even then there are variables.
The important thing is a happy parent(s) generally means a happy child(ren). So I think it's about what works best of each individual family.

thebrowncurlycrown · 26/08/2024 23:04

My DD goes to nursery full time, 5 days a week, since 13 months old. She's 2.5 years old.

She is a very, very confident girl. She is comfortable around adults and children alike. She settled quickly in nursery and aside from when she was under the weather, was never upset at drop offs. The staff at nursery love her. She wants to be out all the time. She's ahead in her speech and language, and all her other milestones are as expected.

This is not to say that we were happy with any nursery. We were very diligent with our research and pulled our DD out of one to then wait months for the right one to finally become available with a space.

Could she be better at sharing toys? Maybe. But she's a toddler FGS. And we don't necessarily discourage her being assertive.

This is just to say that there is no one size fits all solution. Kids with different personalities will suit different environments. If you're not sure, try them both out and see how it goes. Even siblings may have different needs and you'll have to figure it out.

TizerorFizz · 27/08/2024 01:04

@mathanxiety Is this a promotions USA? There’s a duty here to report safeguarding issues. What you seem to be describing is not acceptable and is abuse but you did nothing about it! Why?

Of course there are cases here but in general such behaviour is reported!!! That’s the difference. It’s how it’s discovered.

Chrsytalchondalier · 27/08/2024 05:12

HJA87 · 26/08/2024 22:44

Perhaps the disclaimer in my OP was not enough and I should have put a Trigger Warning in the title!

Show quote history

It's actually ridiculous that you almost have to defend yourself on MN if you are a SAHM. A lot of projecting goes on here!

mollyfolk · 27/08/2024 06:52

I agree, you can't generalise, every situation is different and the quality of care they are getting is the most important thing.

I worked part time when my children were small and what I can say is that it was absolutely incredible to be able to spend so much time with them. Being less rushed, having more headspace, having more time to cook better dinners, being more switched on to what was happening on a daily basis in their lives after they started pre school/nursery.

My kids are thriving now but I know lots of kids thriving and happy many of whom had been minded in nurseries. I can't say my care has contributed to them but I loved spending time with them. Those early years are so precious and time absolutely flies by.

LameBorzoi · 27/08/2024 09:51

TizerorFizz · 26/08/2024 13:16

@LameBorzoi Theres a huge amount of research on dc from deprived backgrounds! Remember Sure Start? Ever heard of FSM and PP to “close the gap”? The gap is already there and widening by 3. In well resourced, conventional households it’s not there. However nursery is vital for some dc.

If DH earns way more, why would he stay at home? Mine did and was self employed. Full on running a company. We make decisions that suit our circumstances.

Well yes, but I wasn't talking about kids from deprived backgrounds. That's a different question.

TizerorFizz · 27/08/2024 11:07

It’s not really a different question. Some people just aren’t great at bringing up dc. Look at knee use of tablets and no books! There’s no guarantee a SAHM is better. There’s lots of evidence non deprived dc aren’t well educated by their parents pre school. Most YR teachers see this.

Original poster
HJA87 · 27/08/2024 12:24

TizerorFizz · 27/08/2024 11:07

It’s not really a different question. Some people just aren’t great at bringing up dc. Look at knee use of tablets and no books! There’s no guarantee a SAHM is better. There’s lots of evidence non deprived dc aren’t well educated by their parents pre school. Most YR teachers see this.

There’s some evidence that delaying “education” is beneficial and according to that evidence, all young kids need is love, cuddles etc until much later (even later than UK school age).

- YouTube

Enjoy the videos and music that you love, upload original content and share it all with friends, family and the world on YouTube.

https://youtu.be/E4_W_VTVMaI?si=yp9nzDx0f4LBOzuS

OP posts:
LameBorzoi · 28/08/2024 08:43

@TizerorFizz Hm, good point. Just because it's very possible to provide a good well rounded experience without preschool does not mean that everyone does.

@HJA87 Well, not really. The evidence shows that strict, formal education before 7 is detrimental. That's a different thing to play based or child led education. Kids do need more than love and cuddles. They need learning and exploration.

Original poster
HJA87 · 28/08/2024 10:34

LameBorzoi · 28/08/2024 08:43

@TizerorFizz Hm, good point. Just because it's very possible to provide a good well rounded experience without preschool does not mean that everyone does.

@HJA87 Well, not really. The evidence shows that strict, formal education before 7 is detrimental. That's a different thing to play based or child led education. Kids do need more than love and cuddles. They need learning and exploration.

The user I was replying to said children “are not well educated” by their parents pre school.

I would argue that very small babies, certainly up to 1 just need love and cuddles and get their learning and exploration from an adult chatting to them, describing what they do as the go about their day.

After that, they still don’t need much. Lots of time outdoors, “helping” with daily chores, errands and then lots of play of the floor. I for once love actually playing with my kids, daily messy play, water play etc but I don’t think this is necessary especially as most parents will take them out to toddler groups etc. Things we think are boring, they find fascinating. We often take the same walk but my toddler manages to find something new to do every time, like picking up stones, leaves, watching ants etc.

OP posts:
OP posts: