Benefits of keeping small children at home

[HJA87]

In the light of a lot of negativity on several threads regarding keeping small babies at home/not using childcare for the first 3 years or so, I would like to hear from people who have done it and the benefits they are seeing. I’m hoping to have an extended mat leave by using unpaid leave and then maybe return to work v part time. I’m familiar with all the research on this topic in terms of benefits but I want to hear about real life experience.

Disclaimer: this isn’t supposed to be judgmental towards anyone who needs to/wants to use paid childcare.

Like I said, I never said that. You're saying that.

I've reread our comments and it seems you're not being open minded to the opposing point of view. You're down right telling me what you think I should think in addition to making assumptions. Not only that, but you threw the world "superior" put there. Are you subconsciously thinking what I'm saying is in fact more accurate and compassionate, but you don't want to face that?

@KLandme It’s clear what you actually mean! Weasel words to wriggle out of saying other parents don’t love dc as much as you do because they use a nursery. Honestly. What a load of tripe.

"I love my DC too much to put them in childcare" definitely comes across as "I love them more than other parents" to me.
And I say that as someone who didn't use childcare.

K...

Consider this situation:
Dad: why don't you just take him to daycare so you can work?
Mom (nervous about abuse at daycare): I love him too much, I'm worried about leaving him with others. What if someone gets frustrated at him and hurts him?

I will! I was a SAHM. DS didn’t go to childcare until he was 3, and it was only two or three mornings a week for the first year. He can be a horror, struggles to share, and has little understanding of how other people see things, but he is autistic!

I think so much depends on the situation at home, the individual child and the childcare available. If you are happy and your child is happy do what feels right.

No one criticises the set up of children who have nannies, yet there are many similarities between a child/children at home with a nanny and those at home with a parent. Many people purport to be discussing what is best for the child but are actually talking about whether they believe a mother should be working.

You are never going to find out from research or individuals what is right for you, your children or your family. Use your own knowledge of you, your children, your family set up, and the childcare scene locally plus your intuition to pick what is best for you, and be prepared to change things if it really isn’t working.

If you require validation of your choices by all means ask people for anecdotes.

What?

It's an example in response to previous comments

I still don't get it. I love my boy too much. That doesn't mean I irrationally think he's going to be abused at his nursery.

Can you honestly not see how that comes across as parents who do send their DC to childcare don't love them as much/enough to worry about that?

So the assumption is I don’t love my children as much as you do because I work. Do you hear how offensive that is?

With regards to my work I usually enjoy it, don’t often love it. But if I posted saying I was a highly qualified doctor, and was quitting and therefore could now get child benefit, there’d be uproar at the waste of taxpayers money that had gone into training me. And that it was my duty to work. So I really can’t win! And then there’s the argument of what’s the point in women becoming doctors as they all quit to have children.
As I said before, respect goes both ways please.

If someone is that overwhelmed by anxiety, they probably need help for that, not enabling.

I said in my OP that there’s no judgment from me of anyone who uses childcare. What if I frame it that I want to be a SAHM because I enjoy it (spending everyday with my kids) so much. Is that ok? Because surely, like with anything else, it’s natural to want to do more of what we enjoy. I understand there might be other people out there who enjoy it just as much but have to go back to work and I wish everyone had that opportunity. Someone said I obviously have money, I bring 50% of the household income so it would be a huge adjustment from a financial point of view, particularly if I don’t go back at all for a while, but I’m ready to make some sacrifices in order to be with my kids more. I went back fully time after my eldest and every day had a horrible feeling like I was missing out on everything.

All my children ever had at nursery was a cold too. Never missed days for sickness of any sort, including when COVID was going round but nurseries were open. I think sickness at nurseries is completely overstated as an argument not to work ('how will you manage with the inevitable sick days?'). It's fine not to use a nursery, I just think that's such a weak reason.

I enjoy spending time with my child too. But I'm a full human being and so are they. Life isn't just about the two of us being stuck together like glue.

He started nursery at 2 years old (now 3). He goes to a very small nursery and has the time of his life there 3 days a week. I am able to work two days a week, not for the money but because I love my job. It is also a skilled job in which my skills can suffer if I take too much time out. 2 years was ample! I also take one day to myself because I bloody well enjoy it. My child is off having a ball in the woods with his little friends. The other days of the week he's with me living his best life.

You might as well frame it that you don't love your children "too much" or you would have homeschooled them. The fact that you frame it as what you're missing out on is a bit creepy to me as well. Your children are their own people and their lives aren't just about what they do in relation to you.

Your experience is unusual, all you have to do is look at the countless threads on mumsnet about kids being ill non stop in childcare. My daughter was ill every other week. It was a nightmare to manage when working full time. Anything from colds, hand foot and mouth, croup, stomach bugs etc. You say your kids never missed a day for sickness so I’m assuming you were bringing them in when infectious with a cold thereby contributing to the vicious cycle of illnesses at nursery. Maybe it didn’t affect your kids much but mine throw up whenever they have a fever (so everytime they have a cold) and for my youngest every cold then turns into an ear infection needing treatment with antibiotic. No one sleeps for several days. I must say I really resent those parents who bring their kids in with a nose streaming with green snot. Not to mention not observing the 48 hr rule after a stomach bug. Cant be nice for the kids either to be in when unwell.

More about not taking a risk with my boy. I've worked at 2 nurseries. And preschools. And 2 center based behavioral toddler schools. I've seen repeatedly children being too roughly handled, pushed into chairs, pulled by the arm to stand up and walk, yelled at, called names, forced to eat, laughed at. Too many times teachers and workers put on a perfect face with parents and switch when they left. I was one of the few adults there who actually loved the kids and liked to play with them.

DS goes to nursery 3 days a week - we're lucky to have grandparent support for 1 day and I went back to work 4 days after mat leave. From what I can tell there's a difference between young girls and boys - generalisation of course but DS is more active than the other girls from his NCT class and needs more stimulation ie doesn't really sit still playing with anything for any length of time. 1 year in I'm happy with the balance for us - he gets me/us 3 days a week, grandparents 1 day and nursery 3 days. Nursery has been great for his development and stimulation but I feel very grateful I don't need to send him for 5 days out of 7. The day that it's just me and him I think is nice for the both of us.

100% your thoughts and emotions are valid

I've worked at 2 daycare centers and seen the abuse many times.

I think we’ve reached a new level of absurd on mumsnet. Yes I’m creepy to not want it miss out on my kids first steps, first time they do or eat something. You should report me to social services really.

Ypure not allowed to say that you don’t want your kids in childcare because you love them too much because that implies others don’t love their kids. You can’t say it’s because research shows it’s better for them because you’re guilt tripping working parents and it’s all BS anyway. Now I can’t even say it’s because I enjoy them because ..creepy. I give up.

I did also say upthread that I might homeschool them when the time comes.

By your train of thought, if you so „bloody well enjoy „ a day to yourself then maybe you shouldn’t

have had children, then you could bloody well enjoy everyday to yourself.

By the way my profession is also a highly skilled one and although going back to it after 3 years or so might be challenging, I’m sure others have done it and its not impossible. I enjoy my kids so much that I’m willing to face the challenge.

By your train of thought, if you so „bloody well enjoy„ a day to yourself then maybe you shouldn’t have had children, then you could bloody well enjoy everyday to yourself.

Why have a husband either if you don't spend every waking minute with them? Why ever spend time away from loved ones?
You're absurd yourself hen.

I kept mine out of nursery until two years old as I believe that's what's best for him. I don't believe that means I somehow love him more than people who didn't do that or enjoy spending time with him more than they do with their children 🙄

Best home educate yours so you don't miss out on their first cigarette behind the bike shed as well.

I’ve used sarcasm to illustrate how ridiculous your reply was (ie if I enjoyed them so mnich I should home school).

@goongoongooooon Or worse! I find it utterly bizarre that parents think they “own” dc and somehow think other less “loved” (in their eyes) dc are second class.

@KLandme Are you American - “mom”? I doubt very much what you say you’ve seen is here in uk. You would also be 100% wrong for not following the safeguarding procedures. As staff you have full responsibility, as an individual, to report anything you believe to be “abuse”. If you didn’t you are irresponsible. There is a statutory duty to report! I guess you either are lying or you did nothing.

I’ve used sarcasm to illustrate how ridiculous your reply was (ie if I enjoyed them so mnich I should home school).

Yeh, you've missed their point.

The idea that we spend all our time with any loved one is ridiculous. I adore my husband, head over heels in love. I still like plenty of time to myself. It's fine for children to be in nursery and has absolutely no bearing on how much their parents love them or enjoy spending time with them. It's literally a barometer of nothing.

The most important thing for young children is to have parents who are not utterly burnt out. My child goes to nursery because I need time to be my own person so that I can be a better mother to them.

There are plenty who would judge you for going back to work at all, so maybe cool your own judgement.

No I really didn't thanks, I'm a primary school teacher and understand better than most how quickly bugs can spread. As I stated, my children have never had more than a cold and, in my previous post, didn't ever have Calpol past the age of 1 (when they were at home full time) so no I wasn't sending them in feverish. I'll bow out now; what an unpleasant response when I was just trying to contribute to a discussion with my own experiences.