Benefits of keeping small children at home

[HJA87]

In the light of a lot of negativity on several threads regarding keeping small babies at home/not using childcare for the first 3 years or so, I would like to hear from people who have done it and the benefits they are seeing. I’m hoping to have an extended mat leave by using unpaid leave and then maybe return to work v part time. I’m familiar with all the research on this topic in terms of benefits but I want to hear about real life experience.

Disclaimer: this isn’t supposed to be judgmental towards anyone who needs to/wants to use paid childcare.

Are you after anecdotal evidence or peer reviewed papers? There are both available. But anecdotally my three year old is much more empathetic and willing to take turns than kids who have been to nursery in his friendship group.

Up until 12-18 months there are some benefits (close bond with main parent, extended breastfeeding, etc.).

Between 18 months and 3yrs I don’t think there are any benefits. Sorry.

It’s interesting that you say that because I think the same about my three year old. She’s been home with me for over a year now ( following a short stint at nursery between me going back to work and having my second baby) and she seems to be more social and more relaxed about sharing things that some of her peers that attend nursery.

Im interested in both anecdotal and peer reviewed evidence. I’ve read Erica Komisar’s book and found it really interesting.

I'm currently a SAHM to my 2 kids (DD 3.5 and DS 13 months). My eldest didn't go to nursery until she was 2.5 and only goes 2 days a week (and only short days - 9am till 3pm). My DS will also start 2 days a week at the same age. I have done this because I believe it is in the best interest of my children to have a consistent and present care giver with them all the time when they are very little, and so me and my DH have structured our lives to make this happen.

However, whilst I have absolute conviction that it is the best for my own children, if you were to meet my DD alongside her peers who have been in nursery since they were 12 months (so the more traditional set up where the mother returns to work after 12 months mat leave), I'm not sure you would notice any difference. The benefits, if any, aren't so noticeable that I could list them to you. Yes, she's confident, yes she's happy, yes she's very articulate, very emphatic, ridiculously emotionally intelligent, and when she did start nursery there were no issues and we've never had any tears at drop off. But you could say the same about plenty of her peers whose mothers aren't SAHM, and all those things may have happen regardless.

So, in short, I obviously think I'm doing the best for my little ones, and I happen to believe they're amazing, but I wouldn't say with any confidence that it's down to me being with them 24/7. Because who knows. I think you just have to do what you feel is best and believe you've made the right decisions

I could be wrong, but I suspect people are not going to write anacdotes on this thread saying they were a SAHM til 3 and their child is a horror & they wish they'd sent them to nursery.

Purely anecdotally?

I had intended to return to work full time after my eldest. I ended up taking the whole year and only returning 2 days a week term time. I felt there was something not quite typical about her development but couldn't quite out my finger on it and her milestones weren't worrying in particular. She's nearly 8 now - turns out she has ADD and ADHD. She attended nursery briefly and it was an awful experience for her - she starved herself while there, eating absolutely nothing and drinking very little. She was unhappy there. So for a child with neurodiversity, it seems a bit of a no-brainer that home is better for the early years. At the age of 3 she was able to understand better and was ready for preschool and loved it. It took a lot of time and work to get her there, and she wouldn't have got that at a nursery.

That doesnt answer for an NT child. But there are quite a lot of children who are ND one way or another and I believe being at home is going to be able to cater to them more individually than a group setting.

My younger children have not attended nursery at my choice. We have a nanny for them. I have been delighted by the continuity of care that you get. In the brief period my daughter attended nursery there was a lot of turnover and other parents said that was quite normal. Our nanny knows our children and what works for them. She is with them 2 days a week and we're coming up to our 4th year with her.

The thread I believe you are thinking of gave a hierachy (mum>dad>granny>nanny>chuldminder>nursery). I think that was based on an American researcher who looked at medium term outcomes for children in term of behaviour/empathy. He didn't aim to make anyone feel bad for their choices, but was hoping that governments could make better funding choices for childcare subsidies.

It's difficult to discuss. People think you are judging them negatively if they sent their children to nursery full time while you stayed at home/had family care/ paid a nanny because you think that is better. Parenthood is all about making choices and balancing different priorities. My children eat chicken nuggets. They watch TV sometimes. We don't all have to always sacrifice everything to try and give out children a perfect life. But that doesn't mean that objectively some choices are better for the child.

That is a good point!

Consistency of the care giver is very important in the early years. Nurseries use key worker systems, which works well until the key person decides to leave, or works only part time. Another thing is that you can base their learning activities on things you know they are interested in / motivated by (but again, a good nursery or childminder should take your child's interests on board anyway). I was a SAHM until my DC started preschool. I loved it and so did she - but it's very hard to say what specific benefits it would have given her. I work in a nursery myself, ironically that means I wouldn't have been able to afford childcare if I'd gone back to work, being on the national minimum wage.

I’m a SAHM (I’m unable to work due to having ASD, ADHD and ME), I’ve not sent any of my dc to nursery they all just started reception at age 4. They were fine we did have lots of playdates with family and friends though so they had learnt to play with others and share etc. School wasn’t a big shock of anything for them . My youngest I’ve decided to home educate .

My children didn't go FT until they started school (Y1 at 5 for my summer born daughter, Reception/Y1 mixed at nearly 5 for my September born son). They went to preschool for 3 mornings a week, term time only.
Whilst they enjoyed this, they were also happy being at home and out and about with me. They are both sociable and highly articulate for their ages.
They are both well rounded, content children doing well in school.
Would never have wanted them to be in a nursery environment - they do not need it!! Long days in nurseries, with associated noise and changing care givers is not healthy for children, even if it's totally acceptable within society now.
Raising Boys by Stephen Biddulph is an interesting read - he very much flags up the importance of boys being at home (or home environment) until they are at least 3.

I'm a sahm and DD1 was with me all day until she started pt preschool aged 2.5. DD2 is about to start pt preschool at the same age.
We have an incredibly close bond and I had minimal tantrums with both dc as I was so in tune with their communication and needs. We spent most of our days out of the house with lots of time exploring our city and parks, so they were always tired out at bedtime and they both slept well from an early age. I could let them take charge with choosing routes through country parks or walking paths which wouldn't be possible in a group childcare situation, so they are confident in a range of situations.
I could also tailor toddler classes to her needs and interests, so she has excellent coordination, swimming and dance skills, and upper body strength. We did a lot of fun climbing in challenging playgrounds and real climbing walls, that weren't local, and needed one to one adult supervision, so not possible in a group setting. Lots of evidence to show that good upper body strength is critical for writing and independence skills at school age.

She also did Kodaly music classes which has set her up brilliantly for instrumental tuition at age 5.
Some of those classes are on offer at weekends of course. The advantage of doing them in the week was that we could spend weekends doing days out as a family, having lots of time to explore new places every weekend, rather than doing weekend classes as it stops you from doing a full day out, for example to a beach or theme park, or a city break. Being a sahm meant I had all the chores done in the week and weekends were leisure time. So the dcs have a very broad outlook and are never nervous of new olaces or people, as they weren't in the same environment for days.

Yes I’m familiar with Stephen B. Literature as well, the evidence seems strong doesn’t it and to me it makes sense (I know there are others who don’t believe in it).

My daughter had a short stint at nursery after she turned one and even now she’s 3 she sometimes mentions that she didn’t like nursery as it was noisy . No idea how she remembers that!

None of my 4 went to regular nursery. Compared to other children now, they're much gentler, kinder, willing to share and emotional well-regulated children. It worked well for them. They've never hit another person in anger.

I can't give my experience because mine went to nursery 2 days a week from 9 months. In hindsight I really regretted it and wish I had followed my own instincts and stayed at home for a few years. They both hated nursery and much preferred being at home. Was it good for them? I don't think so. They learned far more from their parents.
Raising boys was around when my DC were little in the late 90s. Very interesting read.
The overwhelming majority of people do not have a choice, or are unwilling to lower their standard of living sufficiently to be SAHM.

I love this quotation:

'It's not our job to toughen our children up to face a cruel and heartless world. It's our job to raise children who will make the world a little less cruel and heartless.'

L.R. Knost

My DC goes to nursery 3 days per week and I work; one of my best friends has a child the same age and is a SAHM. I think we've both made the right choices for the children we have. Developmentally, they're quite similar, so no obvious "oh, you've messed that up by sending them/not sending them to nursery". Whatever you do, someone will criticise and try to impose their own ideas, but do what feels right for you and your family.

Ah sorry you have regrets but we all do what we think is best at the time, don’t we x

I was a SAHM. My eldest started nursery each day aged 4. It was lovely and structured and she loved it. Before that we went to tots groups and met with other mums. My youngest went to playgroup aged 3. Non structured 'play led' set up. No structure, so no set story time, snack time etc. This did not work for my quiet son. I also didn't like it. I maybe sound like a total dinosaur but kids love structure and routine. So maybe it depends on the nursery!

Same - when I used to take my child to various kid activities he would often be the only one taking turns!

Every child and every situation is different so it's very difficult to say with any great certainty which scenario is better because there are too many variables involved. I can't say how my Dc would be different if they hadn't gone to nursery any more than anyone who didn't send their DC to nursery can say if they had gone.

I have teenagers.

i actually think it’s more important to be around and present during the teen years.

Or both, if you're able

Yes hopefully I can work part time around shxool
times when they’re older (although I also like the idea of home educating but will look into it in more detail when the time comes).

interesting thread!

I sent my DD at age 1 to childminder 5 days a week 9-13 then on the pick up gave her boob & she fell asleep in the pram until 3pm. At 3pm my DH would take her , he would catch up on work later at night. We both worked full time , wfh so could make that work. The childminder wasn't very good though & I have regrets. I was rushed with settling her in & the childminder had TV screen in the main room etc.

We then changed to Gymboree childcare , similar hours & that was better- I knew the educators made effort to settle her in & they had loads of Montessori activities.

My instincts tell me baby feels safest with a parent BUT I love to work & few hours in the morning at the childcare for a curious child might be good . I believe enough time should be spent with the key worker so the child treats them like aunt / family member. I find it extremely unnatural to expect to drop the baby off and leave even if they cry.

Why do this OP? - unlike the PP fretting about nursery, you haven’t got a question - and you are only going to get a bunch of anecdotal comments and start a fight. If you want the research go and read it.

Different modes of childcare all have their plus points, but as long as it’s a competent parent/nursery/childminder/grandparent/nanny the child will be fine.

This desire to pit mothers against each other is so so depressing.