Benefits of keeping small children at home

[HJA87]

In the light of a lot of negativity on several threads regarding keeping small babies at home/not using childcare for the first 3 years or so, I would like to hear from people who have done it and the benefits they are seeing. I’m hoping to have an extended mat leave by using unpaid leave and then maybe return to work v part time. I’m familiar with all the research on this topic in terms of benefits but I want to hear about real life experience.

Disclaimer: this isn’t supposed to be judgmental towards anyone who needs to/wants to use paid childcare.

I can only offer anecdotal evidence but I have worked in private nurseries. I worked for a year in one and for a couple of years as supply around various nurseries. I wouldn't send my own child to a private nursery under the age of 3. Some childcare workers are lovely (obviously I was one of the lovely ones 😆) but a lot are not. It is an underpaid job that too many people go in for because they leave school with not very good GCSEs and don't know what else to do at college. At the nursery I worked at for a year we got a lot of students. And with the very odd exception they were all totally lacking in common sense and any real ability to meaningfully interact with children. Yet they all passed their placements because the bar to pass was extremely low.

I worked in the preschool room in my year long job so didn't get much opportunity to cuddle babies, but if I was ever sent to the baby rooms for staffing reasons the staff were generally sitting chatting and the babies were left to entertain themselves. I used to get told off for picking them up if they started crying as 'they just want their own way.' No, they wanted a bit of attention and love which was severely lacking from the other staff.

In my time as supply I regularly picked up crying children or spent time settling new starters and would be told, just leave them, they just whinge all day. On one occasion it was treated as a bit of a 'miracle' that twin boys in their first week at a nursery hadn't spent the whole day crying, as the rest of the week they had, but that was because I spent that day playing with them and talking to them and generally distracting them from being sad - nobody else could be bothered with that. At another place a toddler was crying and wanted her key worker to pick her up but the key worker refused as the tot was teething and the worker didn't want to get stuck holding her all day. I tried to comfort her but she didn't want me as she didn't know me.

Most toddlers at nurseries quickly learn that if they are playing with something they can't put it down for a second or another toddler will take it off them. They learn to hit and snatch because that gets them the toys they want. Often they don't have to learn to tidy up toys because toys are out all day and staff just tidy up at the end when all the kids are going home at slightly different times.

My mum used to teach primary and as an older, part time teacher if she was ever asked to do a day's supply in the Reception class she always said she could pick out who had been to private nursery the longest. Because they were generally the naughtiest child in the class.

Now, all of this comes from my experience twenty years ago, so hopefully nurseries have changed for the better, but I don't think it's the ideal environment for any child. If parents have to work then if they can find a good childminder I think that's usually a much better experience for a young child. But, in an ideal world, in my opinion, there is nothing better for a 0-3 than being with a loving parent full time.

Lots of benefits for my child(ren), but especially the one who, it turns out, is autistic.

Less talked about but still relevant - amazing benefits for me and DH, and the best years of my life. We had so much fun and I was able to "balance" the household so weekends were truly restful / interesting, despite having (at one point) 4 kids 7 and under.

I did however begin to move on from that phase of my life and felt really ready to go back to work - fortunately as a family we'd made provision to support and prioritise that as we knew it would come (put money aside for retraining, dedicated time to me volunteering A LOT and DH moved to a more flexible role)

I am now back at work but term time only and God I love the holidays. I just feel like I'm able to get to know and understand my children really well by having what we call "quantity time" together (even though lots of it is spent just being around each other doing nothing much)

I have no such desire and I did have a question, please go back and read my OP.

I didn't read OP's question as 'desire to pit mothers against each other' , on the contrary I find it interesting to read how other moms approached the subject. I have the decision yet to make whether to send my DS part time to childcare or not so yeah all in all this thread is very useful.

My eldest started nursery aged 13 months. As a person she is confident and kind, makes friends easily and always loves to try new things. She gets bored at home and always wants to be with other people. My youngest was at home with me and DH until aged 3 due to lockdown starting when I was just returning from mat leave. As a person she is shy, nervous in new situations and overwhelmed by large numbers of people. She prefers playing alone or with 1-2 others.

All this tells me is that my DC have different personalities and nothing to do with what age they started nursery.

You have to do what's best for your DC based on them as individuals not based on generalisations for the population as a whole.

Yes I second this. This we did achieve because DH who is much older than me retired when the youngest was 10 and was a SAHD for their remaining years at home.

Well if we are speaking from experience

Dd (now 20) went to nursery 2 days a week from 9 months. She has never been a bother, always well behaved. Dream child really. She is studying law and is excelling. Never had problems at school or with friends or sharing or anything. She spoke early, potty trained easily .

She lulled me into a bit a false sense of security. We had ds who didn’t need to go to nursery so didn’t until he went half days at school when he was 3. He was quite difficult. Late talker, late and difficult to potty train, did have a temper, developed anxiety in childhood, dd developed it around the same time due to family circumstances. Ds Hated school to the point we took him out for the last few months of primary because he was so distressed each day. Up til 11 parenting him was a struggle. But me and his Dad split up then his dad pretty much disappeared so I put a lot down to that.

He is almost 14. Loves secondary school, never a problem going in, never in trouble, has lots of friends, his anxiety is gone, he is doing well in his subjects. So far he is a dream teen. He tidies up after himself, washes up, walks the dogs without being asked.

What I learned was a lot of it is luck. I don’t think I am an amazing parent. I pretty much do the best I can. There’s things I couldn’t control like their Dad having a some sort of mental breakdown after 15 happy years together and changing his personality over night and refusing help.

Out of all the decisions I have made and had to make, nursery as far as I can see really hasn’t made a difference in the long run. Me working hasn’t made a massive difference because I make sure I turn up and engage with them that’s what’s important. I make sure they know they are the priority and I am there when they need me. As I am the only parent, it’s been hard but they are people are very lucky to be the mother of.

I genuinely think a lot of the decisions we, as parents agonise over (sahp or wohm, nursery/ parent only care, grandparents or child minder etc) aren’t what make the difference. What makes the difference is the quality of time, attention and support you give them outside those things. A sahp could have their child at home until school and be a terrible parent because they don’t actually engage with the child or really parent at all. A working parent could have their child in nursery and be an amazing parent. That’s not the main factor in happy children, in most cases.

Im a sahm to a 7, 5 and 1 year old. Benefits of not using childcare: the children are happier and less stressed with a parent. The household is less stressed and chaotic overall. They get alot of attention. We can choose when to socialise and with whom. We have been able to instill a love of the outdoors, spending time in nature, going for walks, to forest schools etc. you have more freedom on how you spend your time and more freedom for days out, holidays etc because you dont have two work schedules to juggle. If any of your children have some additional needs then you can work on this daily. Ive been able to make healthy meals every day that lots of working mums dont have time for. We have been able to start early teaching them skills like planting, baking etc. there are endless positives and they won't miss out on anything if you take them to groups for social interaction outside of family. You can have your own routine for that structure. They would have a barrage of illnesses at once from childcare. Obviously it isnt easy and requires alot of energy but i would never trade it for a job and to put them into a packed, noisy, dirty childcare setting with no one to one attention.

Lots of anecdata coming in.

Ds in nursery 9 months to 4. Never, ever in trouble in school. He's not really a joiner.He part of the reason the 'boys will be boys' stuff does my head in. He also doesn't play football, which is clearly why he's so well behaved. Naughty kids always play football; nursery or no nursery.

Dd nursery. Kindest, most empathetic person in my house. Would give you her last sweet if she thought you needed it more. Hugely social and independent.

Dh and I: sahm and playschool. Neither of us is as nice as dd or chilled as ds. It's almost as if personalities are the main thing.

I felt pressurised into taking my first to nursery 'for socialisation'. He cried every time in the car on the way. On the fourth day he was quiet. 'Brilliant', I thought, 'progress'. I pulled up outside and turned to see silent tears rolling down his face. We drove to the woods and had a walk instead. We never went back.

Oh my gosh that’s so sad but I’m so glad you did what you did❤️

Thanks that’s really helpful. I think the Illness one is not talked about enough. My DD and treom perfectly healthy to constantly ridden with illness when she started nursery. On two occasions she had such bad conjunctivitis that her eyes were completely shut from the swelling and gunk. Not to mention hand foot and mouth etc which left a scar. I finally went to see a paediatrician privately and they’ve told me that yes it’s good to have your immune system challenged from time to time but the constant germs they are exposed to in nursery is not good for them, it’s not a natural environment.

I think the issue is you have an almost endless set of variables that even ‘the literature’ struggles to account for, and can be critiqued on. It depends on stuff like, what is your child’s temperament; how good is the nursery; how good are you, personally, at parenting a child of that age and stage; what is your extended support network like, because, realistically, it has never been normal or natural for one care giver to be solely responsible for a child; what are your more general circumstances and lifestyle like; how much nursery time do you need; etc etc etc.

I was looked after by my Dad until pre- school. As far as I recall it was pretty good, however in terms of outcomes in later life I could not attribute much to my early years care, for better or worse. Even the biggest, longest longitudinal studies in attachment struggle to draw conclusions about the impact of attachment in later life, with the exception of a cohort of children who have really bad experiences at a young age.

I think of you want to be a sham and circumstances allow for it then there’s no shame in it and it doesn’t need to be framed as ‘I’m doing this cos it has observable benefits for my child’. It’s a justifiable choice in and of itself.

I remember reading Tizard and Hughes who looked at communication development in home and nursery settings, specifically questioning.

They noted that a wider range of question types were used at home (in both working class and middle class homes) and that children spent more time talking and asking questions generally at home. At nursery settings adult communication was generally instructions to the children and basic yes/no responses, whereas at home the children could ask parents questions about things and receive the answers in an ongoing conversation with more complex discussions and also information/knowledge gathering.

I am a sahm, dc1 didn’t start nursery until 3 1/2 (due to Covid mainly) and stayed at home with me. He’s always been perfectly behaved etc, but he didn’t start reception until the day he turned 5 as he was a September baby.

dc2 is an august baby so it feels like he will essentially start school a whole year earlier than his brother (2 weeks after he turns 4) so we’ve decided to send him to nursery for 2 morning sessions a week starting this September when he’s 2. Mainly just for socialisation, and to build a bit of independence because he’s my baby and I’ve never left him with anyone other than dh. If he hates (which I think once he settles he will be fine!) it I will pull him out and try again in a year.

I'm a SAHM currently, though starting to look for work soon.

Both my kids are fine, I don't know if they have necessarily benefited anymore from being at home but they are really lovely kids and I'm proud of them and I think I've done a good job being their main caregiver.

I suppose one of the main things that has been of benefit from being at home is that they have both had lots of opportunities to get out and about on a daily basis and become socialised in everyday interactions - my eldest is quite confident talking to shop assistants/librarians/, will go to the till himself to pay for stuff etc.

I think trying to compare is a fool's errand though - most kids turn out broadly fine no matter the set up in the early years. I sympathise with wanting positive reinforcement because SAHP isn't the set up these days and people can be sniffy about it and the general assumption is childcare is better. Just be confident, you're not doing anything wrong and certainly not harming them by keeping them home.

DC1 went to a childminder from 14 months then a nursery at 2 as the CM was awful. I had to work full time and DH was home more but didn't feel confident to take him to toddler groups full of woman. He then was cared for by his granny who loved him but wouldn't take him to toddler groups etc. It really didn't help his social skills and as he is ND and struggled a lot. Money was terrible for us as the time and things were hard so we did the best we could.

DC2 who is a few years younger was home with me till 9 months then I went very part time while he went to a fantastic CM. She took him to toddler groups etc as did I. He had good social skills and still loves other kids (nearly 8 also ND).

DC3 went to the same wonderful CM as DC2 then to pre school nursery. He is very sociable and happy. Again I took him to loads of toddler groups, parks etc on my days off.

All are doing very well academically in school etc.

I do think my younger kids benefited from me being at home more but that's because I took them to loads of toddler groups, taught them, interacted with them and still worked enough that I felt I had something for me and they went to a fantastic CM at those times. If a parent isn't doing any of these things or is burnt out from being at home of hating it I think it's better to be in good quality childcare for the child. There is no one size fits all.

Monkey see monkey do.

i Hope you are only considering having extend time at home if you’re married. You are very financially precarious otherwise. Still somewhat even if you are married. Why do women have to take the hit? We’ve both reduced our hours to have equal days doing childcare, mixed with some nursery.

A bit of an aside but how do you have the energy to home educate your youngest adequately if you don't have the energy to have a job? Teaching/tutoring a child is a full time job

I tend to agree with this. Two boys, one neurodivergent for sure. He went to a nursery one full day a week and the rest of the time was split between me and his grandmothers. He is much less possessive and shares better than DS2 (who also may be neurodivergent) who went to nursery 2 days a week age 11-13 months, then was with us exclusively after lockdown for a couple of months, before doing one day at nursery 18-24 months. However DS1 never reacted well to structured settings until he was a bit older (he enjoyed private nursery because it was free play, but the structured pre school he joined for a few short mornings a week when he was nearly 3 didn’t go well.

DS2 from age 2 did 3-4 full days at nursery thanks to the second lockdown. He’s much less sociable and doesn’t share as well as DS1 at the same age, but I think that’s his personality/flavour of ND rather than nursery. He is certainly better in structured situations/responds better to authority than DS1 ever did!

Also, Hold On To Your Kids by Dr Gabor Mate and the interview with Dr Erica Komisar are good resources.

This is our experience too.
My children are noticeably more considerate of others & it's been remarked on many times (I assume it's due to never needing to fight for attention.)
My children also got to spend far more time outside which is important for various reasons.

But much like my choice to breastfeed (or whatever) it's a choice I am grateful to have had & have no judgment on those who made different decisions for their family.

I also agree teens need parents around as much as toddlers! (Although it's possible that toddlers' make less mess 😂)

The diseases they bring home. Never been so ill as when ours were small and went to preschool. I’d imagine nursery is the same if not worse!

Depends on your child. Mine were and are, rarely ill. But then, neither am I.