Benefits of keeping small children at home

[HJA87]

In the light of a lot of negativity on several threads regarding keeping small babies at home/not using childcare for the first 3 years or so, I would like to hear from people who have done it and the benefits they are seeing. I’m hoping to have an extended mat leave by using unpaid leave and then maybe return to work v part time. I’m familiar with all the research on this topic in terms of benefits but I want to hear about real life experience.

Disclaimer: this isn’t supposed to be judgmental towards anyone who needs to/wants to use paid childcare.

We were fortunate that I could work on my husband’s days off so didn’t use childcare. This meant we were pretty broke during those years but did it because we wanted us to be the biggest influence on our kids rather than other people outside the family. They were our kids and we wanted to bring them up. But horses for courses - every family is different and has different wants/needs. So if that’s what you want/ are able to do then dont look for evidence or justification just do it and enjoy!

It's a bit like bf vs ff. No one can really tell when they're 15.

In ds' circle, there are still 2 other boys who started nursery with him at 9 months. 1 went to another nursery cos his mum worked there 1 stayed at home with mum until nursery school. 2 looked after by parents/gparents until nursery school.

There's no way to tell which one went where as a baby. Or which one was bf. You can probably tell what interests/skills their parents have though.

My cousin’s child is a horror and I wish she’d sent her to nursery! But that is because she was absolutely spoiled by a mum and GPs who never said no to her - I don’t think that’s an unavoidable outcome of having a SAHM.

I went back to work part time when my daughter was 9 months old but I worked earlies or lates so she was mostly asleep when I was working. She started nursery 2 mornings a week when she was 18 months old and it was like she'd been there forever. She didn't cry once, wasn't bothered when I left her and didn't want to leave when I went to pick her up 🤣 the nursery staff said it was a little unusual but I really think she was ready to go and she loves it and is picking up so much. Maybe I'm just really boring 😂 but we did go to lots of classes and play gyms (and still do) so think she's just an outgoing child.

@rickandmorts I had a DD like this. Went to nursery at 2 and never looked back. Found everything enjoyable. She’s now 32 and still the same outgoing personality who takes everything in her stride. I got her settled into nursery before DD2 arrived and it very much gave her new avenues to explore. DD2 went at 18 months and was a bit more clingy. Still is!!

That makes me feel better @TizerorFizz part of me was thinking she had attachment issues as she's never been bothered when I left her with my mum or MIL when she was younger. Compared to other friends babies!

But why would she when lucky her, she was with loving family members? That was a wonderful start.

I suppose most don't make these decisions based on whether someone on the outside can 'tell later in life, that's a strange way of thinking about it imo. It's in the child's experience one way or the other, all the positives and any negatives and what can we do only do the best we can, we can never know how the other way would have turned out. No doubt we'll regret some decisions and be glad of others but that is life.

But this thread is about the 'benefits' of keeping children out of nursery. Assuming the 'benefits' are for the children and not actually the mother, who feels she's the superior caregiver, then those early experiences don't seem to have had any discernible different effects.

I think most people make decisions based on money! Can they afford not to work? If you need a second income, child care is vital. If you don’t need to work, nursery can still be a great option for part of the week.

Overall it’s personality of the child that carries them forward into later life. DD2 questioned new situations. DD1 didn’t. DD1 loved summer camps and performing. DD2 a bit more reticent. I’m not sure nursery makes a huge difference for some, but for other dc it makes a huge difference. Not every child is cared for well at home.

@rickandmorts DD1 was just a confident child. She’s now a barrister but I don’t think nursery made a huge difference but it gave her variety and certainly better craft activities than I could. Plus more people to talk to! She needed variety and raced into nursery - to get the gold shoes in the dressing up box! Shoes? How many pairs has she got now? Lifelong passion it seems. Just enjoy a confident child.

I sent my daughter to nursery whilst still on maternity leave because I couldn't cope with my mental health. I had treatment resistant depression and psychosis and I was trying to pour from a bucket so empty it had forgotten what water was like.
I found I couldn't work full time so I did 4 days and have Wednesday's off with my daughter. I can't work more than 2 days in a row but working less than 3 days a week was bad for my wellbeing. Working 3 days would have had more of an impact on the family finances.

It turns out we chose a dud nursery the first time around it wasn't the nurturing environment we hoped for but my daughter still did ok. We moved and she went to an excellent nursery, they follow the child carefully so moved her up early to maintain attachments to the children that had just moved up and she got upset to lose them. She has had the same key worker for the 2 years she was there. She's due to start school and doing amazingly. There has only been one time when I have been concerned about her and that was in 13 week gap in childcare between the two nurseries. The first one closed in disgrace just before we moved house. The days blurred and the lack of consistency and routine were awful for her.
I don't think the question should be stay at home Vs nursery but what does a child need to grow and develop. The quality of time with all care givers is important. My daughter knows that on a Wednesday we do a toddler group followed by lunch with grandma and a trip to the park then she has a swimming lesson. It's a day solely devoted to her needs. At nursery she knows she has breakfast then crafts the circle time for a cup of oat milk and stories. It is possible for a stay at home parent to meet all of the child's needs. It is possible for a nursery to fulfil the same requirements. It possible for a hybrid of the two. Yes absolutely when there is a parent involved they are more likely to be doing a good job than a nursery but sometimes part time nursery can allow that parents to do that good job more consistently and to a better standard. I know I am a better parent because of work. I know I am a better parent because there is a nursery to provide good care whilst I care for myself but I absolutely know that I'm one of the best people for my daughter so I make sure on the 3 days I am with her that she is the centre of what we do for most of that time and fit in chores around her rather than the other way around.

I think it is socially acceptable to say that "nurseries are not the best thing for all kids". There's a lot of pearl-clutching about nurseries mumsent.

Stay at home mums also get a lot of flack. That usually comes from the concerns about financial independence in the case of relationship breakdown.

So mums, as usual, can't win.

I definitely agree that mothers need more employment/ financial protection.

As someone who was raised by a single mother, she did a great job, but the financial stuff was hard, and I'm doing my best to avoid that.

Absolutely, there’s a lot of judgement being flung in both directions. What I find interesting is there’s no mention of dads staying at home. Is that because there’s no expectation they should? Or that they are always the higher earner?
I could give up work if I’d wanted to, we’d have to adjust our lifestyle of course but it would be possible. However, I have a career that I had trained for years for before having my DD at 33. I went back 3 days a week and she went to nursery at 1. For quite a long time she thought all doctors were women as that’s all she saw with me and my friends!
Same when I had my DS a few years later. They went to a ‘good’ nursery, lots of outdoor time, very low staff turnover. Many staff have been there more than 10 years. The children are both happy, confident and social. That’s probably due to their personalities though.
Whatever works for your family is what’s best for your children, everyone needs to be happy. The judgement and snippy comments about ‘loving my children too much to send them to childcare’ need to stop. I don’t judge stay at parents for not working and respect their choice for their families.

There isn't any great research because no one has figured out how to research on this question really well. You can't randomly allocate kids to daycare or home. This means that there's heaps of confounders.

Having said that, the research that is out there does not really show a difference between kids who go to nursery under age 3 and those who don't (At least for non full time in quality care).

@LameBorzoi Theres a huge amount of research on dc from deprived backgrounds! Remember Sure Start? Ever heard of FSM and PP to “close the gap”? The gap is already there and widening by 3. In well resourced, conventional households it’s not there. However nursery is vital for some dc.

If DH earns way more, why would he stay at home? Mine did and was self employed. Full on running a company. We make decisions that suit our circumstances.

It is not about being a SAHM.
All the research shows that children until about 2.5/3 do better with a single consistent caregiver who loves them. That can be their mum, granny, a brilliant childminder. After 4 they start nursery is better as they orientate towards peers.
Ideal childcare is granny, good nanny or childminder until 2.5/3 and then a nursery.
With younger children what they need is love. And nursery workers however good they are do not love your child.

Agree though that above is for families who are doing well. For families that are struggling e.g. mum with PND, mental health issues, dying parent, etc, a nursery improves outcomes for children of all ages.
In the seventies when there were few nurseries, Social Services used to fund nursery places for families that were struggling.

Im sorry but why can’t I say that I want to be with my children as much as possible because I love them so much/love spending time with them? It’s ok to say „I’m going back to work because I love my job” but not „I’m not golf by back to work because I love my kids”.

Both of my now adult dc were at home with me until they started full time school at 4.
I was also very much a single parent, initially due to a very hands off dh and then eventually because we separated and he moved away.

Separation anxiety was an issue at primary school but they both went onto thrive and have done extremely well academically and are popular, sociable beings as young adults.

I'm incredibly close to both of them but I think this is more down to my style of parenting than them being at home when they were young!

My son is 8 mo. I want to return to part time work from home so my fiance and I can keep some sanity and take care of our son better. I don't see the benefit of sending my son to daycare or baby sitting while I go out to work. As a mom it makes no sense. However I think my family disagrees even if they don't outright say it, I can tell.

@HJA87 Are you saying the rest of us don’t line our DC as much as you love yours? That’s what it sounds like. A bit superior. Also you must have money. Others need to work and some dc need other dc much earlier. Yours might just want you. No solution is poor unless parents cannot parent.

@Nadeed I used to chair a committee where dc were given early entry to our nursery classes due to family circumstances. One dc I remember had police officers for both parents. Makes you think doesn’t it? This was late 80s. We organised transport too for some.

Agreed, mama. You should be able to say that you love your children too much to send them to daycare because you're not judging others, you're just expressing your love. I trained for my career before my children came and was sure I would continue. Once they came, career did not matter as much and I was determined to not send them to daycare. I wanted to be with them amap and to have gentle support from trusted adults close to me. Can't trust leaving my baby at daycare.

Yes but by saying that you inevitably think others don’t care for dc or love them as much as you. It’s judgemental and not supportive of others. Smug in the extreme.

Nope, not even in the slightest bit. Highly misunderstanding - You're making an assumption. The only people I am inadvertently attacking by saying that is those who are pushing me (aggressively or passive aggressively) to return to work (family). I respect parents with their different choices because I get that we all need to find a way with our children and our lives. We should be able to say, "I love my kid too much to send them to daycare" and "I love my kid and I love my job" with support and acceptance for both sides.

@KLandme Yku should never say that! It’s rude and superior. It’s not kind. It’s not about love. It’s about a preference. You need to stop saying your love is greater than others and that’s what’s driving your decision.