Benefits of keeping small children at home

[HJA87]

In the light of a lot of negativity on several threads regarding keeping small babies at home/not using childcare for the first 3 years or so, I would like to hear from people who have done it and the benefits they are seeing. I’m hoping to have an extended mat leave by using unpaid leave and then maybe return to work v part time. I’m familiar with all the research on this topic in terms of benefits but I want to hear about real life experience.

Disclaimer: this isn’t supposed to be judgmental towards anyone who needs to/wants to use paid childcare.

Can you link that research? As far as I am aware, there is evidence that full time nursery for under 2s is linked with a greater risk of behavioural issues as teenagers. I am unaware of any research that concludes that children under 3 should be with their primary caregiver. What were the outcomes that allowed the authors to conclude that 3 year olds should be with parents over childcare? What behaviours were they measuring?

In an ideal world, I’m sure nurseries wouldn’t exist. We have used part time childcare for both of mine from the age of 1 and I am under no illusion it was so DH and I could work. I only think it started to benefit DS1 from maybe 2.5ish. But I have to say I haven’t seen research that backs up what you have posted. I am happy to be corrected though.

There is no best option for small children, because children are still just humans at the end of the day. All unique with differing needs beyond the basics of food, shelter etc. It’s whatever is best for both the PARTICULAR child and the PARTICULAR family.
It’s like saying being a teacher is better than being an accountant. It is for some people, it isn’t for others, and both options could sound like hell on earth for someone who’d rather be a builder.
Being at home with me was not enough for my daughter. She’s high energy, high needs, and very extroverted. She thrived at nursery. Would she have done as well at home with me? How could I ever know with certainty, but I very much doubt it. Even when she was an only child keeping up with her constant energy and curiosity day in and day out was impossible. A few playgroups in the week was not enough. We had to be out of the house doing something from 8:30 until 3 or 4 every single day, spending a fortune and me becoming utterly exhausted. She even dropped her naps completely at 18 months. I look back and don’t even know how I survived those days, especially when DS can along.
DS on the other hand… chill as anything. Happy to just sit and play by himself, or people watch, and slept through very young. He probably would have been fine at home with me everyday. He went to the same nursery as DD at about 12 months. No issues whatsoever. Did it do him any harm? Nope. Would being at home with me have done him harm? Probably not (except the harm to the family financially). Apples and oranges.
As the parent who knows the child best you can only do what is best for your child and your family (and what worked for one of your children might not work for the other!)

DD was at home for the first 2 years of her life.

Unfortunately her birth mum was abusing substances, her life was quite chaotic and unsafe, and she is still (late teens, removed and adopted at the age of 2/3) affected by the trauma she experienced.

The evidence shows that good quality, consistent and attuned care is important. That care can be provided in a variety of arrangements.

I don't understand why you are differentiating between a pre-school and nursery. You can do the same short hours at each and both follow the EYFS. Any other differences are the same differences you can find in different settings e.g. between two pre-schools.

Poverty is the biggest cause of misery, ill health and just about every societal problem that exists.

Yes, some people have an inheritance or lottery win meaning they don’t have to work, or a very high earning partner.

But most children using private nurseries will be doing so in order for their parents to work - and therefore we assume not live in poverty.

So I am taking the ‘research’ with a pinch of salt.

My Dc were at home with me until their nursery funding kicked in
At the time this was 2.5 hours per day, 5 days per week, term time only. From age 3.5ish.

They are both lovely, kind, empathic young men now. But they may have been that anyway. There's no way to know.

It will depend on the centre, but nursery and preschool are generally quite different environments in the ones that I've seen. Nursery the children are usually there for long days, every day and I've noticed they seem to be sick more, it's rub more like a business and more sterile. Preschool is more of a learning environment, and less of a 'daycare', children are usually there for shorter days and not every day and less likely to go when they are sick and so are sick less often. In my experience anyway.

And of course depends on how many children are at the centre, what the teacher ratios are, the qualifications of the staff as well as the staff turnover.

DC was at home until past his 1st birthday and then went to a CM, first year there great, second less so as she over crowded it imo and it was a v different setting than I'd signed him up for.

i was at home with DC2 until 3.5 and to me, he had the dream infant and toddler -hood and I believe he benefitted hugely from the calm, low stress, low demand environment. I was close by when he needed me, lots of chat, rhymes and singing between us, plenty of solo and child-led play, plenty of outdoors and playgroups where I got my essential social link ups too. I'd rock him to sleep in the quiet and comfort of his own cot or hed doze off without a peep outdoors. It was a hugely secure environment for him and he always had me within a few metres. People laughed and said he'll never let you go. In truth he gave me a Miranda Priestly 'You can go' on his first day of preschool and be played and chatted away happily and confidently with his little pals there. I remember one of their observations saying someone reached for his crayon and he said 'I'm using this. You can have it when I'm finished', which made me laugh. He was certainly not lacking in socialisation, which doesn't anyway mean being in a group of same age peers.

I just wish I'd given dc1 the same. If you have to work (we just got by during those years) or don't want to stay at home, don't give it a second thought except to choose a nursery that suits you and your child. If you'd like to be at home and you're reasonably social yourself, I don't think you'd regret it and your dc will benefit accordingly.

I remember this excellent book. Lots of transcripts of conversations recorded at nursery and home. The evidence was so clear that children speak and interact much more meaningfully at home with a care-giver and they learned more, just from the most casual of interactions with a busy parent. I liked the way they deliberately chose WC families for the studies.

That sounds so interesting.

Depends. Childcare is better than resentful sahm. Sahm better than crap childcare. Some kids find childcare hard, some thrive on it.

What you're planning to do sounds the norm for where I live.

I think of you don't use childcare, stay and plays are important or school is a big shock.

You can normally get "studies" to support both sides of most debates. So it boils down to choice. (If you are lucky enough to be in a position of choice)

OP, you need to just do what's best for you and your child.

But it does largely depend on the care and input they would receive at home with their parent. Also the financial implications of one person being at home for 3 years or 2 people splitting that time off, it's no good having a parent at home, if the family then can't afford to feed themselves, it no good having a parent at home if said parent is going to be unhappy there, as they will resent being there and want to get back to work.

Same goes the other way around, there is no point sending a parent back to work, who doesn't want to be there, if they can afford not to and don't want to pay someone else to be with their child most of the day. Our DS was so full on, he was 100 miles an hour each day, every day, I loved that, i know some parents can't keep up with their kids like that or dont want to, it can be exhausting. He was so inquisitive, but I loved being there to teach him and nurture him, I know for our family it was the right choice for me to be at home with him. It would have broke my heart having to send him to nursery, but again that's a personal thing, I did ensure i kept my social life as well and my interests going, but it really depends on the home situation on where makes a child thrive most, so always just do you.

interesting thread OP 😊 my two both went to our childminder at about 11 months and have / do love it. but, she is more like a 3rd grandparent - it is a wonderful family setting, she is a retired preschool manager, has her own adult children, she has max 3 kids, is happy to babysit/do evenings, gets them birthday and Christmas presents, comes to their birthday parties 🥹, her husband is lovely and the kids love him too. it is a true home from home and it is clear she deeply cares for her mindees. we are so incredibly lucky!

having said all that, I am still pleased / think it is the right decision for us that they go 3 days a week rather than full time. I would also be less keen to send them to a nursery. but that is my personal preference although I do wish it were more of a possibility / choice for a parent to stay at home with the children if they want to rather than have to work out of the home purely for financial reasons. I do think it benefits babies especially but older babies and toddlers also, to be mostly cared for by family.

I don't this kind of discussion is a judgement on parents, but more on our society as a whole and the position or choices that most of us have to make.

I think this is a really good point-I.e. no one should force themselves to stay at home because „studies say it’s better for the kids” if they are going to hate it. For me, I love being with my kids (even if they do drive me crazy sometimes 🤪) so even if it wasn’t for the studies, I would want to spend as much time with them as possible.

„I don't this kind of discussion is a judgement on parents, but more on our society as a whole and the position or choices that most of us have to make.”

This. I wish it was more socially acceptable to say that maybe nurseries are not optimal for all children and that it would have been better if more people who want to stay home were able to choose to do so. In many European countries, there is a possibility to take up to 3 years off work (either paid or unpaid) and the employer must allow them to come back after that period. There are also tax credits and other incentives to enable parents to look after their own kids. I wish that was the case here.

I wonder if that's more of a perception than a reality though. Plenty of children just do 9-1 or 9-3 at private nurseries and are there for their free hours not so their parent can work. As an EY teacher who visits lots of pre-schools and private nurseries, I don't see the distinctions you describe at all. Also, as a part time teacher, I never needed a day off work because my children in a private nursery were ill, in fact we never needed Calpol for them beyond age 1.

Possibly, it may just be anecdotal. At my child's preschool they can't start until 20 months, and most if any don't do a full week. All my DC has ever had is a cold. My friend who go to full time nursery 30+ hours seem to be constantly sick with so many nasty bugs and this is still going on at age 3. Out of my group my child and another go to part time preschool (that DC has also had only one other illness besides a cold) and all the others go to different nurseries. Last week my DCs preschool had a photo day and they actually commented to the owner how much better behaved these kids are to the other places they've gone to.

Sorry, no, there is no evidence either way. The Stephen B. arguments are very thin. Just do what works for your family.

It depends how you do it. I had a friend growing up who was being home educated by an ill mother, and she bought in a complete curriculum so she didn't have to do as much preparation etc. Nowadays there's also a lot you can get online, right up to online school level - I think this could get quite expensive quite quickly but it would certainly be an option if you had the money.

Can I share my perspective as a child whose mum stayed at home with me? I rarely saw other children so school was a shock and I had no idea how to interact with other kids. I ended up very socially isolated. A lot of the class already knew each other and I was starting from scratch.

Well that's why I said you'd want to be reasonably outgoing and social as a sahp.

I think there's too many variables to say one is 'better' than the other
I extended my mat leave as long as I could, so returned to work when baby was 13 months
Only 3 days a week and for the first month DP used his holidays so she had 1 day at home with him, 2 days with grandparents
Never a bother leaving her (despite being BF, never left before apart from the odd 4/5 hour kit days leading up to it), always happy to go and enjoyed giving me my bag, bike helmet and waving me off as I cycled to work
Grandparents then struggled having my DD and her older cousin so asked if we'd look at nursery
Viewed several and decided on one small, older staff nursery for 2 days a week for when she was 16 months old
Settling in was awful, she did cry but then her communication really came along and she began to ask to play outside at nursery, they were keeping her in as thought if they took her down the stairs she might think it was home time, then she started to enjoy it, she walks to nursery holding my hand, presses the buzzer herself and the pics show her being calm, happy and the report at the end of the morning is positive
She only goes 2 mornings a week and that's all I'd want her to really, dp condenses his hours to accommodation this
I have no issues with her at home or at play groups so happy with how things are
We also haven't had any illnesses but only a couple of months down the line, her nursery room also only takes 6 kids so it's not packed full

I have 3 DC and worked part time when my eldest two were born so they were in childcare before their first birthdays and I was a sahm on DC3. Also COVID hit when my third was almost one so we had lockdown and around here it was 18 months later before any toddler groups or anything started back so she was with me all the time and DH worked from home since covid so he was with her a lot also as he was constantly physically in the house. She started preschool at 3years 6months (march birthday) and she is the most confident of my three. She didnt pick up much sickness until preschool and was older so it was much easier to deal with. She seemed to really want to go to preschool and has absolutely loved it and is starting school next week . She is the most confident and self assured of my DC and I've no idea if that's just her personality .

Mine stayed at home until 2, then did a couple of mornings a week and the following year a couple of full days. Just to get ready for school really. Eldest loved it, youngest didn’t in the second year and I often only sent him once a week. Neither would have liked or thrived in full time nursery. It’s had a massive impact on my career though.