I can’t trust my partner to look after our baby on his own and it’s draining.

[gg158]

Our baby girl is 4.5 months old.
I am trying to give him more responsibility to learn over the past few months as this is our first baby, and the first few months I know everyone makes mistakes but I can’t explain just how careless and irresponsible he is and it’s exhausting for me. I genuinely fear for her safety especially as she is becoming older going to start crawling ect and eating.

Work is different story and personal life I won’t go into that too much but he is irresponsible in those aspects of his personal phone and work phone work documents and also house keys constantly loosing or doesn’t know where put them. His mums excuse is he’s just always been like that that’s him he’s forgetful. Lol

The list of issues -
⁃ Makes bottles wrong
⁃ Forgets to fasten her in car seat
⁃ Forgets to lock his car so phone got stolen
⁃ Forgets to lock house door
⁃ Forgets to change nappy so leaks all over ( several times a week)
⁃ Forgets to put break on the pram so rolls had to catch it from going in road
⁃ I have to tell him to play with her or say bye when going to work. Or even hello when coming in from work
⁃ Forgets to remove Bib when putting her to bed or remove any loose blankets
⁃ Puts her on sofa in her pod but unsafely
⁃ Doesn’t watch her properly cause constantly on his phone
⁃ Doesn’t seem to miss her at all will happily go work 9-5 go golf or football after or meet a friend ( when he comes back home she’s already asleep) does that sometimes 2 nights in a row so won’t see her properly for 2 days and doesn’t say anything about missing her or can’t wait to see her.
⁃ Picks her up for 10 minutes then if she crys says oh do you want mummy
⁃ Just doesn’t check on her when out and about, was out at a function (outside) I went to toilet so said watch her please in her pram. I saw someone I knew inside so stopped and chatted for 5 mins, came outside he was not near her pram and she was just screaming crying ( obviously couldn’t hear was too busy talking to someone) and just left her pram instead of taking it.
⁃ If we are out with friends never helps just socialises and drinks while I do everything

Most people after being told the dangers learn from mistakes but it’s just constantly repeat of me nagging and telling him. He still makes bottles wrong today, did one yesterday and still does most of the above points.
He has made a bottle twice with prep machine and not completed the full process just done the hot shot method - then brought the bottle ( which is boiling hot )!!!! Will literally scold her! But luckily I noticed.
He just doesn’t seem to understand the severity of it says all I do is have a go at him or I can’t do anything right or him and his mum say that’s just the way he is! He’s always been not organised and struggled.
He’s stressed with work he’s got a lot on.
No your mum has just done everything for you!
He just doesn’t think like in her pod she was so high up with cushions underneath if she rolled she be straight off sofa on the floor.

In his mums eyes he cannot do no wrong ever!!! He could probably break her leg and she would have an excuse. She was crying her heart out I asked why he said oh I wasn’t supporting her neck when she was and her neck flopped back I think I’ve hurt it so I said be careful her neck is so fragile! His mum responded - At least you’re honest!

I understand everyone makes mistakes and has to learn but he’s just not learning and it’s hard cause I’m just fed up of constantly asking for help and not feeling like he wants to help, but then also when I ask him to help cause he’s so careless he just can’t do things right or puts her in danger. I genuinely feel like I can’t leave her with him for more than a few hours. He's just way too laid back about everything.
My mum helps me so I do get a break we are so close and she has plenty of grandchildren so knows what she is doing.
But even my family see and worry for me and her.

What do I do??? It’s making arguments every week and ruining our relationship as I’m fearful but also getting frustrated. Xxx

Also I forgot to add

When we are out our daughter never comes first.
Constantly having to argue and put my foot down to come home and explain she needs to go to bed and it's late ect.

He is doing it on purpose because he is either too lazy to be a parent or he just wants you to do all the parenting. Get rid of the man child - one baby is enough.

He sounds like an insufferable child.

I would go absolutely nuclear with him, put a rocket up his arse and make it crystal what my expectations were going forward. And anything less than a very serious and concerted effort to change, resulting in demonstrable improvements, would lead to me leaving.

He’s an absolute piss taker and doesn’t seem to care for his child at all.

He sounds awful, selfish and lazy, what’s the point of him?

And why have a baby with him? It makes no sense

The problem with this boyfriend is that in order to prove to you he's a helpless child who cannot look after his child he is putting her in real danger. He's another feckless boyfriend and he'll never change. Send him back to his mummy before he does real harm to your baby. Let his mum babysit him for a while.

This sounds really concerning ? Is he actually ok as it sounds like more than just laziness/forgetfulness/clumsiness? Does he have anything medical or otherwise going on ?

‘Don’t become the expert in the baby, or you’ll become the expert in the toddler, the preschooler, the kid, the tween, the teen’….. basically kids shouldn’t have just one person know how to do everything for them and it’s too much of a burden on the adult! Which sounds like exactly what your OH wants! What an insufferable douche. Very un-masculine of him.

What was he like before you had your DC? How competent with household chores?

Having something medical or otherwise going on doesn't turn the rest of us into feckless dangerous parents, or do you think he gets a free pass because he's a man?

I would go nuclear as a PP said - he needs to understand you will be out of this relationship if he didn’t shape up.

Assuming he responds to that start with 20 mins. If he doesn’t then honestly I’d LTB - he is going to make your life harder not easier.

He sounds utterly spoiled, but some of what you describe might be neuro diversity - but if he used to getting everything his own way, he won’t work to manage that so..

Yes everyone makes mistakes but most adults would prioritise the safety of a child and the fact that he's not even caring for her basic needs shows that he just isn't interested. He wants you to do everything and he's being really clear that you and her will never be his priority.

So now you have a choice - do you stay with someone who puts your child in danger. Because he has no intention of changing

He sounds like he’s checked out of taking responsibility for her. He thinks you’re in charge so he doesn’t have to be.

No idea what the solution is. Baby classes? Loads of bonding activities?

He just sounds like a massive dickhead honestly! I’m sorry Op.

His mum says he’s always been like this.

Was he? How long were you with him before having a child with him ?

In your current situation baby comes first and as he’s acting like a child I’d tell him it’s over and manage on your own with help from your mum.
If he’s always been like this he won’t change will he ?

The only useful contribution this waste of skin will ever make is financial, so take him for as much money as you can, as everything else is going to fall on you.

Send him back to his mother and make a claim for maintenance through the CMS as soon as possible.

Why did you have a baby with him? Presumably he hasn’t changed overnight. He’s always been useless. Send him packing. It won’t get any better

I’m just wondering as something sounds really wrong as he’s actually putting his child in danger? I’m sure OP wouldn’t have opted to have a child with someone had she known this so I just thought perhaps there could be something else going on if this isn’t what she expected him to be like as a parent ?

Couldn’t get worked up about not saying bye/hello or not missing her. She won’t know. He sounds crap though, why have a baby with him?

He sounds neglectfully dangerous. If you leave him would he even want to have her at all? I'm guessing not. If he'd want 50%, or even every other weekend I'd be worried for her safety. At least if you're around you can protect her.

In your shoes I would be making preparations to leave. If he's not going to bother seeing her then leave asap. If he would want to I would wait until she is a bit less fragile and can voice her own needs and tell you what's going on when he has her. Not ideal, but I would find it a very scary prospect to leave her with him.

Start documenting his failings, with photos, dates etc. Mention them to others and build a trail of evidence that will help you protect her from him if you need to leave sooner and might have a battle on your hands.

OP he sounds extremely neglectful of your baby and some of the things you mention are absolutely appalling and truly put her in danger of severe harm so you unfortunately do need to act.

So sorry you have no support from him or his mother. Your partner sounds utterly self absorbed and I really don’t think you are going to able to change him. It’s not just a matter of teaching him how to make a bottle. He plainly doesn’t want to know. I hope you have other means of support for yourself and baby.

Yes there could be something medical/ mental health which has emerged more in the face of having to be more organised and take responsibility but it doesn’t make things safer for his child.
OP should leave him and if he cares he’ll get himself sorted/ treated and return as a responsible dad when he’s safe and not a drain on OP.
Meanwhile CMS asap to ensure he at least contributes financially.

I’m sorry but ‘forgetting’ to put the brakes on the pram so it’s running towards the road or to fasten the car seat are not small things.
If he loosing his phone, then so be it.
But putting HIS child life in danger is 😳😳🤬🤬

Good grief, thats not normal!
What the hell is wrong with him?

And if there is something medical to explain his behaviour, then what?

Is the OP supposed to accept it it’s just the way it is?
Or is she supposed to compensate for his struggles?

Knowing there is an expla nation is just that. It’s gives a cause, a reason. It doesn’t make any of those behaviours acceptable.

Regardless of the cause (medical, laziness, sexist, whatever), the consequence is still the same.

He has always had some forgetfulness with work ect not been organised but I've never had a child with him or seen him with children he's an only child so it never alarmed to me that this is how it would be!
I know people can be forgetful in general life not organised but in serious things they are responsible.

He Helps around the house but that's not the problem. He was excited to have our baby I genuinely thought he would understand how serious having a baby is and thought he would not be so irresponsible about serious things feeding, helping out and her safety ect. Genuinely did not expect him to be like this at all and this laid back X