I can’t trust my partner to look after our baby on his own and it’s draining.

[gg158]

Our baby girl is 4.5 months old.
I am trying to give him more responsibility to learn over the past few months as this is our first baby, and the first few months I know everyone makes mistakes but I can’t explain just how careless and irresponsible he is and it’s exhausting for me. I genuinely fear for her safety especially as she is becoming older going to start crawling ect and eating.

Work is different story and personal life I won’t go into that too much but he is irresponsible in those aspects of his personal phone and work phone work documents and also house keys constantly loosing or doesn’t know where put them. His mums excuse is he’s just always been like that that’s him he’s forgetful. Lol

The list of issues -
⁃ Makes bottles wrong
⁃ Forgets to fasten her in car seat
⁃ Forgets to lock his car so phone got stolen
⁃ Forgets to lock house door
⁃ Forgets to change nappy so leaks all over ( several times a week)
⁃ Forgets to put break on the pram so rolls had to catch it from going in road
⁃ I have to tell him to play with her or say bye when going to work. Or even hello when coming in from work
⁃ Forgets to remove Bib when putting her to bed or remove any loose blankets
⁃ Puts her on sofa in her pod but unsafely
⁃ Doesn’t watch her properly cause constantly on his phone
⁃ Doesn’t seem to miss her at all will happily go work 9-5 go golf or football after or meet a friend ( when he comes back home she’s already asleep) does that sometimes 2 nights in a row so won’t see her properly for 2 days and doesn’t say anything about missing her or can’t wait to see her.
⁃ Picks her up for 10 minutes then if she crys says oh do you want mummy
⁃ Just doesn’t check on her when out and about, was out at a function (outside) I went to toilet so said watch her please in her pram. I saw someone I knew inside so stopped and chatted for 5 mins, came outside he was not near her pram and she was just screaming crying ( obviously couldn’t hear was too busy talking to someone) and just left her pram instead of taking it.
⁃ If we are out with friends never helps just socialises and drinks while I do everything

Most people after being told the dangers learn from mistakes but it’s just constantly repeat of me nagging and telling him. He still makes bottles wrong today, did one yesterday and still does most of the above points.
He has made a bottle twice with prep machine and not completed the full process just done the hot shot method - then brought the bottle ( which is boiling hot )!!!! Will literally scold her! But luckily I noticed.
He just doesn’t seem to understand the severity of it says all I do is have a go at him or I can’t do anything right or him and his mum say that’s just the way he is! He’s always been not organised and struggled.
He’s stressed with work he’s got a lot on.
No your mum has just done everything for you!
He just doesn’t think like in her pod she was so high up with cushions underneath if she rolled she be straight off sofa on the floor.

In his mums eyes he cannot do no wrong ever!!! He could probably break her leg and she would have an excuse. She was crying her heart out I asked why he said oh I wasn’t supporting her neck when she was and her neck flopped back I think I’ve hurt it so I said be careful her neck is so fragile! His mum responded - At least you’re honest!

I understand everyone makes mistakes and has to learn but he’s just not learning and it’s hard cause I’m just fed up of constantly asking for help and not feeling like he wants to help, but then also when I ask him to help cause he’s so careless he just can’t do things right or puts her in danger. I genuinely feel like I can’t leave her with him for more than a few hours. He's just way too laid back about everything.
My mum helps me so I do get a break we are so close and she has plenty of grandchildren so knows what she is doing.
But even my family see and worry for me and her.

What do I do??? It’s making arguments every week and ruining our relationship as I’m fearful but also getting frustrated. Xxx

@gg158 I could have written most things on your list myself, minus the bottle related issues as I breastfed,...and add a whole lot more to the list.
My son is now 3. Nothing has changed, just different concerns.
My partner is likely to have ADHD, quite a few people who know him think that, including himself. I do not trust him with our son and resent him so much for the fact that he does not put our son's safety and wellbeing first.
If we are out he prefers chatting to other people rather than respond to what our son says to him trying to get his attention, he does not even notice our son trying to get his attention most of the time.
If I go shower, he will just be on his phone and let our son play on his own.

I have had some concerns about my son's development and I read everything I could about the condition trying to educate myself, I spoke to as many specialists I could find, scheduled appointments etc...he did nothing, most of the time he was not even listening when I was trying to explain things to him.

He always says 'he's fine...' even though our son still does not have an understanding of danger or stop when you say no to him. He was literally letting our son walk towards a cliff because 'I am watching him' while seated at a table having a drink.

The anger and resentment has eroded our relationship, I have no respect for him as a man and I find him useless as a partner. Top that with his anxiety issues which create a toxic atmosphere at home.

I think every day about getting my own place; the only reason I have not done that is because I currently work part time and I need a full time income to afford my own place. Also because I constantly think it is better for my son to grow up in a traditional way with a traditional family; but I am regularly reminded that there is nothing traditional about our arguments and the tension in our house. Most arguments are started by him because he is demanding to be respected and loved...as I basically switched off emotionally. Most of the time I do not even want to be around him as everything he does at this point annoys me, the lack of serious interest in our son's development, his lack of effort to support him, the way he eats, his laziness, his negativity, his anxiety, his addiction to his phone.

I cannot see myself growing old with someone who does not make his own child the centre of his universe, who is not helpful and supportive, does not bring me any comfort and just stresses me out every single day. Who needs a man like that? No one...no sane woman anyway.

My advice to you would be to fast forward to a few years from now and try to imagine what your life would be like and make a decision.
If your bf is willing to seek help (therapy, medication), give him a chance, otherwise know that nothing will change.

@AndrewHillPT

Apologies, didn't realise you'd never made a basic mistake :) Little Miss Perfect over here whose immediately an expert in every single endeavour lol

He's done multiple things, repeatedly, despite being told why they are dangerous, that could have cause injury or death to his baby. The same things over and over.

This isn't about 'a basic mistake', it's a series of dangerous decisions and lack of care that have seriously endangered a baby.

I hope you mature before having children of your own if you don't have them already.

I just had to respond, it sounds like he's selfish but it's easy to say that, some people are just generally irresponsible.
He more then likely can't depend on himself or relies on mummy to do lots.
You see, I have a partner whose similar, he took our sen child out for 6 hours and didn't think to change the nappy or give him a bottle but gave him water and only once., when he's at home, he never thinks of my child's eating times or if their hungry, he happily let's my child sit down like a statue doing nothing till my child cries of boredom and I have to rescue him..so I do everything around my child my self but I don't have a problem doing it, one I'll do it better and two I know it's done.
I'd just like to add I do think.hes on the spectrum even though his dad hasn't been diagnosed, so many flags with him.

This must feel like living with a dangerous dog in the house. Knowing there's a very serious risk of harm, but being unable to predict when, where or how it will happen. That the child's safety depends entirely on the ability to be hyper vigilant all the time. Utterly terrifying. I'd have rehomed the dog a long time ago.

Sounds like he does not want to learn? Did he want the child? Does he like the idea of parenthood as long as somebody else parents his children?

Although from what you have he sounds generally careless and unwilling to do better. It’s part of his character and the big 4 character traits rarely change.

Sounds like you picked a dud to be the father of your child.

This….some of the questions on here I think could be avoided if people did a better job of actually vetting partners and being selective as to who they have kids with.

It's not as simple as that. Some neurodiverse people, who struggle to look after themselves or others, can mask and be the good guy for years. It's only when the demands of childcare comes along that you notice how unintentionally incompetent they are. A lot of women get caught like this, its not easy to spot. Speaking from experience!

Yes clearly you're a retired HV otherwise you wouldn't have said ANY of that at all.

Adult social services should be able to help them, children's services will probably look along those lines but they will be more bothered about the child so they will want to make sure that someone is the safeguard for that child before they go thinking about removal proceedings.

Honestly, the toxicity in this thread is a bit concerning. This person's come for help and advice not judgement, doom-mongering and naysaying.

Dear OP. This is awful, and you HAVE to remove the baby from him, so you do need to split. He is not safe to be around your baby Ever. Keep a log of incidents, and as was suggested upthread, text to him as a record of what you have needed him to do better.
The courts can order supervised visitation, meaning he will not be alone with DD and if necessary staff can help him with basic tasks. Ask solicitor or health visitor or GP about this, and get him back to mummy asap. He is not safe for your DD, and you will be so much better off not having to think about his negligence all the time.

My DH is/was the same. My situation got worse now DS is almost 3 and I'm going to live with my family cause he's so selfish. I wish I'd moved when DS was younger.
Maybe think about moving out for a bit to teach him a lesson? Let him know how serious you are.
My DH was working full time and I was stay at home mum, I accepted he was an inattentive dad. We put DS into nursery to get a break, it was good for DS and good for me.
It really depends on your situation. I finally decided to put my DS before my DH as it's gotten so bad. I wish you luck and hope things work out for, whatever you decide.

How do you “mask” an inability to look after yourself and others though? It’s not the kind of thing you can hide in a relationship unless his partner was doing everything for him.

OP has also said in a number of comments that “his mom did everything for him” so that still begs the question why this man was considered a suitable candidate for the father of her children.

Hi OP, I’m sorry for your difficult situation. This won’t really help if I’m wrong and I apologise if anyone else has mentioned it, but from your original post I have seen/heard of these symptoms in a number of people before and in each case they all suffered from ADHD.

if this is the case and he is undiagnosed, he may need this investigating and possibly medication that with help with all aspects of his life and ultimately you all will benefit. It needs looking into urgently for the sake of you all.

best of luck op!

Is his behaviour linked to anything medical? But clearly his mum is enabling his behaviour by finding excuses for him. I believe she did everything for him even as a grown up, so he doesn't see the need to take full responsibility/organise his work & life etc. Being an only child isn't an excuse. He needs to take full responsibility for the child, be serious and stop being this neglectful for the safety of the child. That being said, he really needs help/therapy to help him get his life together.

It could be a 'medical issue' if its throughout his life. Maybe he needs help? Hard for you but maybe could be sorted with treatment?

Well said, she wants confirmation to leave... but maybe not from a marriage. Somewhere in the posts I read it's a "partnership" not marriage? If so should be easier to leave,

Stop giving yourself reasons why you can't leave, you absolutely can. Either get him to move out, or move out yourself. Go to the council, explain the situation and the fact he is putting your child in danger and you fear for his safety. Or contact Women's aid, they can advise you. If you have to claim benefits temporarily until you are able to go back to work full time then so be it. You can get help with childcare.
Please don't put it off. You'll only regret it.

I was going to say the same, this is shouting ADHD to me. Both my daughter and me are. He needs to see a GP to see if there’s anything wrong

My partner is the same. I was diagnosed last year with ADHD, I like to think I'm a good mum, I don't accept that as an excuse!
I think some men were just raised with father's with poor parenting skills or absent fathers and this reflects in how they raise their children.

I spent 40 years in education and had a lot of responsibility for child protection. If I heard this, I would be making a CP referral to social services.

I'm wondering if he maybe has ADHD? That would explain the lack of executive function and might be at the root of a lack of confidence covered up by bravado.

THAT BEING SAID - He needs to be concerned about these things and care enough to work on mechanisms to help him with things he finds difficult.

It is totally unfair that you are constantly left to pick up the pieces and I would expect him to be taking responsibility and trying to learn and make things better

He might have ADHD and had carefree childhood. It looks like he isn't responsible and he doesn't want to do anything about it.
You are a single parent here.
People here are right he is still a child.
I have a neurodivergent kid myself which I constantly try to teach responsibility, not easy. He is still a teenager and hope he will learn.

Please, being a mother is difficult, look after yourself.

People treat you as in a relationship but you can't rely on him. It is even worse than being single as you won't have a proper access to help.

My parents were irresponsible, left me with a big scar, never said sorry when I grew up.

It is your decision but I would prefer one responsible parent than having a mother and a father. Safety of the child is a priority.
It is a difficult decision.

Leave him before something so bad happens that you'll regret forever!!! The baby comes first. How many times do want to risk her safety? Yes, it will be tough but it's already tough with him in the picture... Better safe than SORYY!!

It sounds to me like your other half may have ADHD and needs assessing pronto!!

Get rid of him he’s will never change and your life will be hard. I’ve been there