I can’t trust my partner to look after our baby on his own and it’s draining.

[gg158]

Our baby girl is 4.5 months old.
I am trying to give him more responsibility to learn over the past few months as this is our first baby, and the first few months I know everyone makes mistakes but I can’t explain just how careless and irresponsible he is and it’s exhausting for me. I genuinely fear for her safety especially as she is becoming older going to start crawling ect and eating.

Work is different story and personal life I won’t go into that too much but he is irresponsible in those aspects of his personal phone and work phone work documents and also house keys constantly loosing or doesn’t know where put them. His mums excuse is he’s just always been like that that’s him he’s forgetful. Lol

The list of issues -
⁃ Makes bottles wrong
⁃ Forgets to fasten her in car seat
⁃ Forgets to lock his car so phone got stolen
⁃ Forgets to lock house door
⁃ Forgets to change nappy so leaks all over ( several times a week)
⁃ Forgets to put break on the pram so rolls had to catch it from going in road
⁃ I have to tell him to play with her or say bye when going to work. Or even hello when coming in from work
⁃ Forgets to remove Bib when putting her to bed or remove any loose blankets
⁃ Puts her on sofa in her pod but unsafely
⁃ Doesn’t watch her properly cause constantly on his phone
⁃ Doesn’t seem to miss her at all will happily go work 9-5 go golf or football after or meet a friend ( when he comes back home she’s already asleep) does that sometimes 2 nights in a row so won’t see her properly for 2 days and doesn’t say anything about missing her or can’t wait to see her.
⁃ Picks her up for 10 minutes then if she crys says oh do you want mummy
⁃ Just doesn’t check on her when out and about, was out at a function (outside) I went to toilet so said watch her please in her pram. I saw someone I knew inside so stopped and chatted for 5 mins, came outside he was not near her pram and she was just screaming crying ( obviously couldn’t hear was too busy talking to someone) and just left her pram instead of taking it.
⁃ If we are out with friends never helps just socialises and drinks while I do everything

Most people after being told the dangers learn from mistakes but it’s just constantly repeat of me nagging and telling him. He still makes bottles wrong today, did one yesterday and still does most of the above points.
He has made a bottle twice with prep machine and not completed the full process just done the hot shot method - then brought the bottle ( which is boiling hot )!!!! Will literally scold her! But luckily I noticed.
He just doesn’t seem to understand the severity of it says all I do is have a go at him or I can’t do anything right or him and his mum say that’s just the way he is! He’s always been not organised and struggled.
He’s stressed with work he’s got a lot on.
No your mum has just done everything for you!
He just doesn’t think like in her pod she was so high up with cushions underneath if she rolled she be straight off sofa on the floor.

In his mums eyes he cannot do no wrong ever!!! He could probably break her leg and she would have an excuse. She was crying her heart out I asked why he said oh I wasn’t supporting her neck when she was and her neck flopped back I think I’ve hurt it so I said be careful her neck is so fragile! His mum responded - At least you’re honest!

I understand everyone makes mistakes and has to learn but he’s just not learning and it’s hard cause I’m just fed up of constantly asking for help and not feeling like he wants to help, but then also when I ask him to help cause he’s so careless he just can’t do things right or puts her in danger. I genuinely feel like I can’t leave her with him for more than a few hours. He's just way too laid back about everything.
My mum helps me so I do get a break we are so close and she has plenty of grandchildren so knows what she is doing.
But even my family see and worry for me and her.

What do I do??? It’s making arguments every week and ruining our relationship as I’m fearful but also getting frustrated. Xxx

Leave. He won’t change and the stress of this will be overwhelming. After you leave him when it’s his time with the baby I can guarantee you he will leave her with his mum and never have her on his own. And sounds like shes used to being massively over protective.

He wouldn't want to get rid of the commitment as he does really love her despite obviously the things he does. When he plays with her and talks to her they have a good bond it's just the safety issue. The would most definitely not be ok with not seeing her. Xx

Did you go to any antenatal classes or anything like that? Was he interested in them? You can ask your health visitor about this - I am worried for you and baby that he is not acting in your interests to look after either of you properly, indeed his treatment of your baby is shocking

I totally agree the situation is not safe and OP needs to keep her baby safe. It just sounds so dangerous

Part of the issue is what sounds like quite severe ADHD but another part is lack of attachment to her. He doesn't hold her in mind so he doesn't think about her safety. I'm not sure if that can be helped - my XH was similar in some ways and never got the hang of it really

He is actually careless enough to cause your child serious harm, this is all quite shocking. He also sounds as though he has little interest in her. Did he want a child?

Sums it up.
Better off just with your kid, without such an "adult" in your life.

Oh, and I don't care if it is or isn't ADHD.
I got Asperger's, noone bothered with my generation, and manage adult life just fine.

I'm sure lots of women have ADHD and don't have any choice but to parent. He can't throw his hands in the air, say he's go ADHD and do nothing. What's he going to do about it? What's he going to do to function better and more safely? Has he been to the GP? Choosing to do nothing is a choice as well. Is this ADHD or weaponised incompetent? Who knows. However, choosing to do nothing to improve the situation is very telling. Unfortunately, you might need to tolerate him until your child is much older and able to advocate for herself.

ETA: I would be frightened for him to take the child for contact.

So he has ADHD - what is he doing about it? As in there is workplace training and behavioural therapy etc. Don't keep enabling him

If someone can’t remember to close the front door or lock their car because of ADHD then I’d expect them to do things like forget to use the straps on a car seat or check the temperature or a bottle. Do you think that he really has ADHD (in which case yabu to think that he can switch his brain off) or do you think his mum uses ADHD for an excuse why her son is crap at basic life stuff.

I have a young adult son with ADHD who has to work at details that most people easily pick up. He has alarms and reminders on his phone and I can imagine him having to do things like set an alarm every 2-3 hours to remind him to change the baby’s nappy. It sounds worrying that your h isn’t bothered about his mistakes - not everything in your list is a problem imo but the safety stuff like doing up car seat straps is a non negotiable.

Yanbu to be concerned about splitting and you not knowing about the safety mistakes that he makes. Would he take dd to his mum and have her do the work ?

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C8Z_ugnIxwN/?igsh=MW9nMmdndDJhcXBzYw==

I would gladly deliver this to him for you.

And sadly none of them seem to be his child

If something happens to your child you will have Social Services involved so start keeping a record of all incidents and neglectful actions and what you have done to safeguard your child. Would your DP be open to attending parenting classes? Speak with your health visitor and explain the situation and your concerns and ask about what support DP can access to learn to better parent your child.

Does he have accidents where he burns or scalds himself, or forgets to put on his own seatbelt?

if I say you can't see her alone I will look like a terrible person who's stopping someone see their daughter
Which is why you have to start making notes of every incident, every day. You have to keep records, maybe on your phone, including photos, so that you can prove to the authorities in future that you are not making it up, that he really is unsafe and unfit as a parent.

He may not even be bothered about seeing his daughter if you split.

from everyone else's point of view I would look controlling.
Who is "everyone else"? If you mean the authorities and courts, see my answer above. If you mean friends and family and other people, stop caring what other people think - you know the truth.

Your number one job as a parent is to keep them safe. He's not doing that. I would end the relationship and then raise concerns with social services. Refuse access alone until it goes to court and raise concerns then as well. Document everything.

"The list of issues -
⁃ Makes bottles wrong
⁃ Forgets to fasten her in car seat
⁃ Forgets to lock his car so phone got stolen
⁃ Forgets to lock house door
⁃ Forgets to change nappy so leaks all over ( several times a week)
⁃ Forgets to put break on the pram so rolls had to catch it from going in road
⁃ I have to tell him to play with her or say bye when going to work. Or even hello when coming in from work
⁃ Forgets to remove Bib when putting her to bed or remove any loose blankets
⁃ Puts her on sofa in her pod but unsafely
⁃ Doesn’t watch her properly cause constantly on his phone
⁃ Doesn’t seem to miss her at all will happily go work 9-5 go golf or football after or meet a friend ( when he comes back home she’s already asleep) does that sometimes 2 nights in a row so won’t see her properly for 2 days and doesn’t say anything about missing her or can’t wait to see her.
⁃ Picks her up for 10 minutes then if she crys says oh do you want mummy
⁃ Just doesn’t check on her when out and about, was out at a function (outside) I went to toilet so said watch her please in her pram. I saw someone I knew inside so stopped and chatted for 5 mins, came outside he was not near her pram and she was just screaming crying ( obviously couldn’t hear was too busy talking to someone) and just left"

Some of this sounds like ADHD, some weaponised incompetence, some not a huge problem, some disinterest in her and some dangerous.

Does he have PRR?

I'd say leave but it'd be worrying that he'd get alone contact time and not keep her safe.

He's not really invested in being a good dad so you need to get into the mindset of being a single mum.

@Singleandproud Another one you will have to watch out for is when he's crossing the road with the pushchair and he stand on the kerb with the pushchair hanging out in the traffic.
I found it all too stressful and he's an ex.

I am beyond fed up of people reading an OP about a gormless, useless, even dangerous (or abusive) father and saying it must be ADHD.

It's so bloody offensive.

OP, he's putting your child at risk - repeatedly, with no remorse. You need to take action one way or another.

Like another poster I’d say this was a safeguarding issue and start treating it as such due to the safety risk if he was going to have her on his own if you split. What you describe isn’t normal behaviour.
I would start documenting when he puts her at risk and follow it up with texting him about it so there is evidence you can refer back to.
I would also tell your health visitor your concerns so it is documented, they may also want to follow this up by speaking about it with him there so it’s officially documented that he knows of the concerns and if he is then able to address them.
It seems a bit heavy handed but it’ll stand you in good stead if you do split.
I think there’s a few things in your post that indicate he’s a risk to your baby instead of being just generally lazy and laidback to get you to do everything.

jesus Christ!

I think you know he can’t safeguard your daughter. From now until the end of one of their lives, he will always be at risk of harming her. There is nothing that can be done to stop this, if he doesn’t have the common sense to protect a child he won’t magically learn it. Especially if he’s blaming it on health/ADHD and not seeking any treatment.

Therefore your only option is to protect your child and get far away from him. You have everything to lose by delaying leaving him.

Would he go to parenting classes? I don’t think this sounds like ADHD. What kind of person would almost give a baby a scalding hot bottle? It’s like he doesn’t give a shit about her, frankly.

Has he ever done anything for himself in his life or has he been babied by his mum? He sounds spoilt and immature.

Do you have a good health visitor you can speak to? I wouldn’t want to leave a baby with him either, but if you can show some record of him being shite and a risk to her, hopefully he’d have very limited contact by himself if you were to separate. He might not want any contact anyway because he sounds like he can’t be bothered. If that’s the case, leave him sooner rather than later and perhaps you and your baby will be free of him.

You're effectively a single parent with 2 kids. Leave him and be a single parent with one kid.

He sounds like a waste of space.

Why do so many Mumsnetters have awful partners/husbands? it's depressing to read about so must be awful to live with them.

Please value yourself more and don't put up with this shitty behaviour.