I can’t trust my partner to look after our baby on his own and it’s draining.

[gg158]

Our baby girl is 4.5 months old.
I am trying to give him more responsibility to learn over the past few months as this is our first baby, and the first few months I know everyone makes mistakes but I can’t explain just how careless and irresponsible he is and it’s exhausting for me. I genuinely fear for her safety especially as she is becoming older going to start crawling ect and eating.

Work is different story and personal life I won’t go into that too much but he is irresponsible in those aspects of his personal phone and work phone work documents and also house keys constantly loosing or doesn’t know where put them. His mums excuse is he’s just always been like that that’s him he’s forgetful. Lol

The list of issues -
⁃ Makes bottles wrong
⁃ Forgets to fasten her in car seat
⁃ Forgets to lock his car so phone got stolen
⁃ Forgets to lock house door
⁃ Forgets to change nappy so leaks all over ( several times a week)
⁃ Forgets to put break on the pram so rolls had to catch it from going in road
⁃ I have to tell him to play with her or say bye when going to work. Or even hello when coming in from work
⁃ Forgets to remove Bib when putting her to bed or remove any loose blankets
⁃ Puts her on sofa in her pod but unsafely
⁃ Doesn’t watch her properly cause constantly on his phone
⁃ Doesn’t seem to miss her at all will happily go work 9-5 go golf or football after or meet a friend ( when he comes back home she’s already asleep) does that sometimes 2 nights in a row so won’t see her properly for 2 days and doesn’t say anything about missing her or can’t wait to see her.
⁃ Picks her up for 10 minutes then if she crys says oh do you want mummy
⁃ Just doesn’t check on her when out and about, was out at a function (outside) I went to toilet so said watch her please in her pram. I saw someone I knew inside so stopped and chatted for 5 mins, came outside he was not near her pram and she was just screaming crying ( obviously couldn’t hear was too busy talking to someone) and just left her pram instead of taking it.
⁃ If we are out with friends never helps just socialises and drinks while I do everything

Most people after being told the dangers learn from mistakes but it’s just constantly repeat of me nagging and telling him. He still makes bottles wrong today, did one yesterday and still does most of the above points.
He has made a bottle twice with prep machine and not completed the full process just done the hot shot method - then brought the bottle ( which is boiling hot )!!!! Will literally scold her! But luckily I noticed.
He just doesn’t seem to understand the severity of it says all I do is have a go at him or I can’t do anything right or him and his mum say that’s just the way he is! He’s always been not organised and struggled.
He’s stressed with work he’s got a lot on.
No your mum has just done everything for you!
He just doesn’t think like in her pod she was so high up with cushions underneath if she rolled she be straight off sofa on the floor.

In his mums eyes he cannot do no wrong ever!!! He could probably break her leg and she would have an excuse. She was crying her heart out I asked why he said oh I wasn’t supporting her neck when she was and her neck flopped back I think I’ve hurt it so I said be careful her neck is so fragile! His mum responded - At least you’re honest!

I understand everyone makes mistakes and has to learn but he’s just not learning and it’s hard cause I’m just fed up of constantly asking for help and not feeling like he wants to help, but then also when I ask him to help cause he’s so careless he just can’t do things right or puts her in danger. I genuinely feel like I can’t leave her with him for more than a few hours. He's just way too laid back about everything.
My mum helps me so I do get a break we are so close and she has plenty of grandchildren so knows what she is doing.
But even my family see and worry for me and her.

What do I do??? It’s making arguments every week and ruining our relationship as I’m fearful but also getting frustrated. Xxx

@Toooldforthis36 manhole - 😂😂😂😂

Could he see a dr & be assessed to see if there is something going on which maybe medication could improve?

Yes I agree. It sounds like a learning difference of some sort, and some executive function issue.

Tell your health visitor your worries so she can talk to him and get him involved in some parenting class. This is so unfair on you to put up with this, he needs the additional support.

OP agree with those saying to keep records. I'd also speak to your Health Visitor about this. There may be courses etc he can do and it gets the concern logged in the system so if you do need to leave him over this, there is an official record about why which will make it less likely he'll be approved to have her alone.

I know plenty of people who have ADHD and manage to be great parents (whether or not they're getting treatment or on medication), and prioritise safety for their kids. I don't think that is the main issue here.

FWIW I know lots and lots of men who put their kids at risk and have a very 'laid back' approach to child safety. It's lazy parenting, basically. Yours is quite extreme, though, OP. Talk to your HV!

1. Ditch the boyfriend. He sounds frustrating as hell. It's your job to safeguard her, so you absolutely can insist on supervised contact, get your HV to back you up with this.
2. Ditch the prep machine. They have been laboratory tested and proven to not be safe. Make your bottles the correct way, using the guidance on the side of the tin.

Useless advice because she cannot legally just choose to take the child away. Court will give him access, at the very least. So then she has to hand the child over and cannot even supervise.

Rubbish.
If the OP has the wit to document his behaviour then with his track record it would be supervised access, that's if he can get himself together enough to sort out court.
Of course she can legally go and take the child, do you think she needs his permission to leave home with the baby? She's not crossing continents or moving hundreds of miles away.
I'm hoping it's her home, and she can just get him out.
If he kicks off, OP needs to get social services involved.

and if I say you can't see her alone I will look like a terrible person who's stopping someone see their daughter from everyone else's point of view I would look controlling
I agree with you, it would look very harsh. He is the father of your DD so needs to have that role in her life. I see irresponsible parenting all the time, DC are tougher than we realise. I know this sounds awful and I really do feel sorry for your situation, but it is down to him to change.

and if I say you can't see her alone I will look like a terrible person who's stopping someone see their daughter from everyone else's point of view I would look controlling
I agree with you, it would look very harsh. He is the father of your DD so needs to have that role in her life. I see irresponsible parenting all the time, DC are tougher than we realise. I know this sounds awful and I really do feel sorry for your situation, but it is down to him to change.

Then tell 'everyone'. Tell them what you have told us. Not about your frustration with him, but how scared you are for the baby.
I'd rather look like a monster than have him give a little baby a boiling bottle, or leave her car seat undone, or leave her while he went off to chat.

This is the perfect time to get him a diagnoses and medication. It would be dangerous not to.

His mum doesn’t sound like the sharpest tool in the box.

Not suggesting you do this but what do you think he would say if he read this thread, OP?

Would he say “I never realised how bad it is, I need to step up”
or
”It’s not that bad, you’re making it sound bad. Nothing has happened to DD”

I'm sorry but you're talking a bit of rubbish here. What makes you think that OP 'documenting' his behaviour will lead to supervised contact? Courts require evidence before making orders for supervised contact as it's considered very draconian. Anything the OP records won't be worth the paper it's written on in the eyes of the court.

Could your partner may have learning difficulties or be neurodivergent and that might be why his mum is so defensive and says he’s always been like that?

His detachment from his own baby seems strange and not comparable to a new and protective dad.

Even a lazy bloke who doesn’t put effort into his relationship etc, I don’t believe would make boiling hot bottles and fail to see safety issues unless there’s something else going on - ADHD with executive dysfunction and /or autism?

And no, I’m not saying all people who are autistic or have adhd behave in that way but for some people, not recognising social cues, having less emotional attachment to others or having poor executive planning is very real (and I’m a mum of someone with ASD and someone with ADHD). The clues in your post mentioning his phone obsession and not noticing things at work etc implies there might be some neurodiversity.

Of course, regardless of whatever is causing your partner’s behaviour, is a very potential risk to your baby and so I do think you need to have an honest conversation with your partner and be honest about moving forward.

If you think he may be neurodivergent and needs extra support, then you can make a plan with professionals (either by going private or speaking to his GP in the first instance) and also a plan which means your baby is safe and your family works together until you decide what to do.

Your baby’s safety is the most important thing and if your partner cannot look after her safely, you’ll need to plan for others to help you.

@Zoflorabore has this.

Well his sperm works well! That's a plus point

Does he work?

Tell him that if he neglects your child, you will report him to the police. He needs to know that he will be held accountable for his behaviour by more than just you, that your child has rights independently of you "nagging" (horrible word) to a decent standard of care and that there will be consequences if he doesn't meet his legal responsibilities. It's not like refusing to take the bins out.

I’m sticking with manhole, I like it more than my intended manchild 🤣🤣🤣🤣

@Toooldforthis36 I thought it was deliberate, either way it’s brilliant and I’m still chuckling 😂😂😂

I'm sorry but you're talking a bit of rubbish here. What makes you think that OP 'documenting' his behaviour will lead to supervised contact? Courts require evidence before making orders for supervised contact as it's considered very draconian. Anything the OP records won't be worth the paper it's written on in the eyes of the court.

Well, then lets try fo health visitor, social services GP and please God it wont be necessary, police. Enough documentation?
OP hasn't been back, so, she may just tie herself in knots trying to keep him and watch out for the baby.
Or it could be 'one of those' threads.

This is so awful. So you are a single parent in a relationship. You can’t leave her with him. That’s not miraculously about to change. Is being with him worth it? That’s fine if so, but you need to accept it.

Sorry, OP, I see you have been back

OP, I also have a DC the same age & DP is a first time dad with no experience of children.

However, your partner is NOT laid back. He is so neglectful that he either has learning difficulties or he just doesn't care (this is the opinion I'm leaning towards)
My DP is laid back, nothing seems to faze him, but he would NEVER do the things you have listed. He makes up bottles properly, misses our daughter when he's at work, and meticulously looks out for her safety without being nagged. I'm not trying to brag, just make you see that you're not asking for too much to have a present and caring dad to your baby.

Either way if he doesn't make a concerted effort to change, you're wasting your energy and putting your baby in danger. Please have a serious, calm sit down with him and tell him he has one chance only to improve.

@gg158 . You are right,you can NOT trust him to look after her. DO NOT lose sight of that being a fact.
Hard as it is you are clearly her "safe"parent. he can" love "her til hes blue in the face,It doesnt and wont alter the fact if YOU expect him to provide adequate basic care YOU are putting her at risk.
You can not change other people. Accountability is different from responsibilty. not that hes displaying either.
Baby is priority. if he "loves"her he will agree on this,yes. ? presumeably he is made aware of undone seat?scalding bottle? dangerzone?
Regaardless how many thoughts buzz head at once . the reality that he is NOT capable of childcare hasnt floated in and registered as high alert for him.
the its not his fult/brain wired differently is maybe so.
perhaps a visial presentation of a infants skull smashed open,or covered in scalded burns or little white coffins would provoke a adult response.
(I apologise,THAT sounds utterly horrifc and brutal obviously) Its where its at tho.
no judgement-if you love cherish adore. BUT .BABY is priority.
YOU have to ensure HER safety 24/7,forever.

then consider him,praps. youre terms. all the way unless /until he has actual diagnosis youre shooting in dark. Doesnt havae to herald the end of you as a couple. Youre burning energy dealing with the effects just now tho. Not solution based.