I can’t trust my partner to look after our baby on his own and it’s draining.

[gg158]

Our baby girl is 4.5 months old.
I am trying to give him more responsibility to learn over the past few months as this is our first baby, and the first few months I know everyone makes mistakes but I can’t explain just how careless and irresponsible he is and it’s exhausting for me. I genuinely fear for her safety especially as she is becoming older going to start crawling ect and eating.

Work is different story and personal life I won’t go into that too much but he is irresponsible in those aspects of his personal phone and work phone work documents and also house keys constantly loosing or doesn’t know where put them. His mums excuse is he’s just always been like that that’s him he’s forgetful. Lol

The list of issues -
⁃ Makes bottles wrong
⁃ Forgets to fasten her in car seat
⁃ Forgets to lock his car so phone got stolen
⁃ Forgets to lock house door
⁃ Forgets to change nappy so leaks all over ( several times a week)
⁃ Forgets to put break on the pram so rolls had to catch it from going in road
⁃ I have to tell him to play with her or say bye when going to work. Or even hello when coming in from work
⁃ Forgets to remove Bib when putting her to bed or remove any loose blankets
⁃ Puts her on sofa in her pod but unsafely
⁃ Doesn’t watch her properly cause constantly on his phone
⁃ Doesn’t seem to miss her at all will happily go work 9-5 go golf or football after or meet a friend ( when he comes back home she’s already asleep) does that sometimes 2 nights in a row so won’t see her properly for 2 days and doesn’t say anything about missing her or can’t wait to see her.
⁃ Picks her up for 10 minutes then if she crys says oh do you want mummy
⁃ Just doesn’t check on her when out and about, was out at a function (outside) I went to toilet so said watch her please in her pram. I saw someone I knew inside so stopped and chatted for 5 mins, came outside he was not near her pram and she was just screaming crying ( obviously couldn’t hear was too busy talking to someone) and just left her pram instead of taking it.
⁃ If we are out with friends never helps just socialises and drinks while I do everything

Most people after being told the dangers learn from mistakes but it’s just constantly repeat of me nagging and telling him. He still makes bottles wrong today, did one yesterday and still does most of the above points.
He has made a bottle twice with prep machine and not completed the full process just done the hot shot method - then brought the bottle ( which is boiling hot )!!!! Will literally scold her! But luckily I noticed.
He just doesn’t seem to understand the severity of it says all I do is have a go at him or I can’t do anything right or him and his mum say that’s just the way he is! He’s always been not organised and struggled.
He’s stressed with work he’s got a lot on.
No your mum has just done everything for you!
He just doesn’t think like in her pod she was so high up with cushions underneath if she rolled she be straight off sofa on the floor.

In his mums eyes he cannot do no wrong ever!!! He could probably break her leg and she would have an excuse. She was crying her heart out I asked why he said oh I wasn’t supporting her neck when she was and her neck flopped back I think I’ve hurt it so I said be careful her neck is so fragile! His mum responded - At least you’re honest!

I understand everyone makes mistakes and has to learn but he’s just not learning and it’s hard cause I’m just fed up of constantly asking for help and not feeling like he wants to help, but then also when I ask him to help cause he’s so careless he just can’t do things right or puts her in danger. I genuinely feel like I can’t leave her with him for more than a few hours. He's just way too laid back about everything.
My mum helps me so I do get a break we are so close and she has plenty of grandchildren so knows what she is doing.
But even my family see and worry for me and her.

What do I do??? It’s making arguments every week and ruining our relationship as I’m fearful but also getting frustrated. Xxx

@Yogayogayoga oh completely. In my mum's case they eventually divorced, extremely bitterly (he wrote letters to us, probably at my mum's insistence, saying he was leaving. She had to address them as he didn't know our addresses or where the address book was). My husband was one who was a pretty good dad from about 7 onwards.

The thing is, what do you do right now, today, with a man like this, a mother in law like this and a dependent baby?

Do not have another child with this guy. It was a mistake choosing him to be your child's dad but it’s done now and unfortunately he will have rights to see her. Can you liaise with his mother when you do leave him (because you will have to) and make sure she is around when he has your child? Surely she can see too that this is unsustainable. He’s precisely the sort of man who would forget their child in a hot car or let them wander around near a river. He cannot be alone with your child, ever.

For those suggesting ways for the OP to help him, let him look after your defenceless baby. You be 'nice', and 'inclusive'. He wouldn't be coming within 5 feet of mine!
Just when you think you have heard it all!
OP, you are a single mother, either with or without him - it will be easier without.

Unfortunately there isn’t too much you can do here. Obviously you could leave, but then he’ll have her on his own unsupervised when it’s his days to have her.

Maybe he’s just crap at the baby stage and will come into his own when she’s older. But also maybe not. At least then she won’t be helplessly at the mercy of his poor parenting when her actual survival depends on him.

Not much help for this crappy situation, I know. I think if you need breaks and can’t trust him you maybe need to think about childcare for a morning or two each week, even if it means stumping up for nursery or a childminder. If you qualify then next month you’ll get approximately 11 hours of stretched funding per week once baby is 8 months.

because they choose partners based on sexual attraction at the time and not anything actually helpful

All these people saying get treatment for ADHD. Firstly the waiting time for assessment is over 2 years. GP's either can't or won't prescribe medication (Methylphenidate) to treat it especially if undiagnosed. Then, like the position my son is in right now: the biggest pharmacy in the country can't get hold of supplies of it. He has 7 tablets left and I am going to have to cut them in half and then in quarters to stretch them out. So treatment is going to be a long way off. Thank you Brexit.

You need to have left him with your DC for the last time ever OP. Do everything in your power to make sure that he is never EVER in charge of her.

It makes no difference whether this is incompetence by design or an actual medical condition, this is very serious. She will end up dead and you will never get the truth out of him or his mother.

Agree with parenting classes, it's helpful to have a neutral third party.

Maybe even a nanny service would shadow/be with him out and about and explain to him what he's doing wrong and why it's dangerous. Or if he has parents then have them do that with him.

I would also look up news stories/real online threads where things have gone wrong in similar situations to what he's put the baby in, with the consequences in black and white and show him how serious it is.

May as well make a dr appt to see if there are any neurodivergent issues affecting things.

And I would also buy air tags or tiles to attach to the possessions he loses, especially keys and phone.

And I would also buy a house alarm and cameras so even if he forgets the door you can set the alarm from your phone. Would also change the locks to ones you don't need to remember to lock and you just shut the door behind you, if he forgets his keys and locks himself out, tough shit.

For things where you're saving him from himself, unless it involves the baby's safety, I would stop doing that. e.g. if he loses paperwork, don't help him find it. if he gets locked out, he waits until it's convenient for you to come back etc.

My exH was like this. I never left the kids with him. Ever. They're now 17 & 20. He barely sees them. (1 won't see him, 1 does 2x a month for 2 hours).
I wish I'd left earlier. Don't be me OP.

@gg158 what does he say after those events? Does he acknowledge it was dangerous or unacceptable as a parent? Like leaving the child with a soiled nappy or letting her cry in the pram whilst he is busy with something else? Because some of this stuff would be considered abused by SS

Surely if he is so close to his baby, and such an amazing father, he’d want to put things in place so he doesn’t hurt his dc, even unintentionally right?

So what’s his reaction? Because I get the feeling that it’s all brushed under the carpet with no intention to I prove. And THAT is a huge thing.

Because if he has ADHD, he can get a diagnosis and he can get medication to clear his head. On the top of coping strategies so he doesn’t ‘forget’ about his own dc.
It that start with him taking responsibility as a father.
Does he?

That's unfair. You cannot possibly predict how someone is going to be having a child of their own and by the time you realise they are shit it's not like you can take the baby back for a refund is it?

Even someone with the worst ADHD in the world will know not to give a baby boiling water to drink or let a newborn's neck flop around. I would be more inclined to query if he has a learning disability because that level of incompetence, neglect and lack of common sense is not normal.

Oh, send him back to his bloody mother's house and get on with caring for your child. Honestly, you don't need two children to care for.

He might see it as controlling and be upset. But you know you’re not controlling. You’d be acting to keep your child safe.

Does what he thinks trump safety ?

It might be worth logging this with ss in case he tries to get unsupervised access.

Get some text conversations with him about your concerns as evidence.

He doesn’t care about your child. Perhaps he sees her as a kind of toy. Certainly not as a person in her own right.

The fact of having to be told to play with her, or not saying hello or goodbye, while not dangerous, are indicators to me that he is not fully engaging with the fact of her existence or needs.

The rest is downright dangerous, obviously, and you need to leave him in order to keep your baby safe.

Really sorry you are in this position.

He really does NOT love her. If he did he wouldn't neglect and put her into physical danger. His behaviour is disgraceful. I would not stay with my dh if he blatantly did not care about our dc the way your dh does jot care about your child!

^This

He sounds useless...

Well I also chose my partner based on sexual attraction in the first place but it wouldn’t have lasted long if he didn’t seem a “keeper” in many other areas of life

Your baby can't advocate for herself and you're all she has by the sound of things. Her safety is more important than saving this man's feelings. It isn't fair that you're being put in the position to make this call, but you sound like the only adult in the situation with your head screwed on. Maybe your partner and mother in law will turn it back onto you, but that discomfort will be worth her wellbeing.

Ultimately, either she's safe alone with her dad or she isn't. Equally, he can't say that he loves her if he's not prepared to put himself out for her. She's then just a charming toy he likes to play with.

Your daughter's welfare is your only yardstick. If he can't do the basics then he has no business having her, or at least unsupervised time with her.

It may be worth talking to his mum one last time and explain in no uncertain terms your concerns. Then make your decision. You are mother only to your daughter, not your partner.

Record the events as best you can because you're going to have to fight this in court. I'd also record your conversations with his mum because she'll swear on a stack of bibles that he's fine when she knows full well how dangerous it is to leave her granddaughter alone with her son.

Useless advice because she cannot legally just choose to take the child away. Court will give him access, at the very least. So then she has to hand the child over and cannot even supervise.

He can't love her otherwise he wouldnt be putting her life in danger.

He's always been this way,even as a child.

Didn't you read the post ?

FFS OP. Your baby is at serious risk from him and should absolutely not be left alone with him. You have a duty of care to her, that takes precedence over anything or anyone else.

He needs to massively step the fuck up and do something about it. I’m a bit baffled by some of the responses saying oh he has adhd so that explains it. So what. Go to the doctor and get some help. He has to do something. Id put money on it that he doesn’t forget to put on his own seatbelt. He needs to something to help himself. And adhd isn’t the reason for everything, I know a lot of people with adhd who are more than capable parents who don’t leave the pram rolling into the road.

sorry op but this is unacceptable.