I can’t trust my partner to look after our baby on his own and it’s draining.

[gg158]

Our baby girl is 4.5 months old.
I am trying to give him more responsibility to learn over the past few months as this is our first baby, and the first few months I know everyone makes mistakes but I can’t explain just how careless and irresponsible he is and it’s exhausting for me. I genuinely fear for her safety especially as she is becoming older going to start crawling ect and eating.

Work is different story and personal life I won’t go into that too much but he is irresponsible in those aspects of his personal phone and work phone work documents and also house keys constantly loosing or doesn’t know where put them. His mums excuse is he’s just always been like that that’s him he’s forgetful. Lol

The list of issues -
⁃ Makes bottles wrong
⁃ Forgets to fasten her in car seat
⁃ Forgets to lock his car so phone got stolen
⁃ Forgets to lock house door
⁃ Forgets to change nappy so leaks all over ( several times a week)
⁃ Forgets to put break on the pram so rolls had to catch it from going in road
⁃ I have to tell him to play with her or say bye when going to work. Or even hello when coming in from work
⁃ Forgets to remove Bib when putting her to bed or remove any loose blankets
⁃ Puts her on sofa in her pod but unsafely
⁃ Doesn’t watch her properly cause constantly on his phone
⁃ Doesn’t seem to miss her at all will happily go work 9-5 go golf or football after or meet a friend ( when he comes back home she’s already asleep) does that sometimes 2 nights in a row so won’t see her properly for 2 days and doesn’t say anything about missing her or can’t wait to see her.
⁃ Picks her up for 10 minutes then if she crys says oh do you want mummy
⁃ Just doesn’t check on her when out and about, was out at a function (outside) I went to toilet so said watch her please in her pram. I saw someone I knew inside so stopped and chatted for 5 mins, came outside he was not near her pram and she was just screaming crying ( obviously couldn’t hear was too busy talking to someone) and just left her pram instead of taking it.
⁃ If we are out with friends never helps just socialises and drinks while I do everything

Most people after being told the dangers learn from mistakes but it’s just constantly repeat of me nagging and telling him. He still makes bottles wrong today, did one yesterday and still does most of the above points.
He has made a bottle twice with prep machine and not completed the full process just done the hot shot method - then brought the bottle ( which is boiling hot )!!!! Will literally scold her! But luckily I noticed.
He just doesn’t seem to understand the severity of it says all I do is have a go at him or I can’t do anything right or him and his mum say that’s just the way he is! He’s always been not organised and struggled.
He’s stressed with work he’s got a lot on.
No your mum has just done everything for you!
He just doesn’t think like in her pod she was so high up with cushions underneath if she rolled she be straight off sofa on the floor.

In his mums eyes he cannot do no wrong ever!!! He could probably break her leg and she would have an excuse. She was crying her heart out I asked why he said oh I wasn’t supporting her neck when she was and her neck flopped back I think I’ve hurt it so I said be careful her neck is so fragile! His mum responded - At least you’re honest!

I understand everyone makes mistakes and has to learn but he’s just not learning and it’s hard cause I’m just fed up of constantly asking for help and not feeling like he wants to help, but then also when I ask him to help cause he’s so careless he just can’t do things right or puts her in danger. I genuinely feel like I can’t leave her with him for more than a few hours. He's just way too laid back about everything.
My mum helps me so I do get a break we are so close and she has plenty of grandchildren so knows what she is doing.
But even my family see and worry for me and her.

What do I do??? It’s making arguments every week and ruining our relationship as I’m fearful but also getting frustrated. Xxx

He has made a bottle twice with prep machine and not completed the full process just done the hot shot method - then brought the bottle ( which is boiling hot )!!!! Will literally scold her! But luckily I noticed.

Maybe along with all his other phone alarms and stickers he could have one saying ' Don't give baby a boiling hot bottle'
You baby is the most precious thing you will ever have. I don't care what is wrong with him, he cannot be left to parent. You will be in shreds if you try to fix this, or worse still, you baby will be harmed.
You wouldn't get a child to look after your baby, and that's what you have here, little better than a child.
He can go home to his Mum, who can pander to him, and get his diagnosis.
We all had to learn, but most of us had a bit of common sense to start with.

I think it sounds like ADHD but I also think you should start documenting the incidents and talk to your health visitor about needing extra support as a family to deal with this. This will also help if you do decide to split up as it will all be officially documented and there will be support in place.

Don't do nothing, this is serious and you need to help protect your baby.

I'd be concerned that there's something else going on, that seems a lot!

Was he always that incompetent by that I mean did you know these issues before you had a baby?

I'd avoid procreating any further.

Don't waste time trying to change him he will never change.
Ditch the loser and move as far away from him as possible. You will manage.
I wish I had given myself this advice when I was a young woman. It isn't safe to have any more children with him.
Don't encourage access like so many women with loser partners do on here, it doesn't sound as though he will travel to see her anyway.

He Helps around the house That's nice. Do you help too?

There's a lot of 'i thought' in your posts. You need to start talking instead, find some stats to make him realise how dangerous he's being.

Was the baby planned?

Jesus.

As the daughter of a dad who had minimal understanding or interest in keeping a baby or child safe (and unfortunately a husband who frequently didn't either) unfortunately this is up to you. Yes you are going to have to be 'controlling' and 'nagging'. Didn't you understand that women who get called those things are frequently doing it because they take parenting seriously while their wanker of a partner doesn't? Did you think feminists were making stuff up? You have to choose. And it isn't a choice, really, because your baby can't look after herself.

I would just remove him (and his mum) from the equation. The safety and practical issues are going to be your area. You're the CEO. Youre the policeman, the nag, the ball and chain, the manager and the educator. He's the decorative volunteer who hands out balloons at the work fun day. You can set up specific things for him to do - run the bath, check the temperature, then let him 'do bathtime' while you remain nearby to take over when he starts looking at his phone or wanders off leaving a one year old in the bath alone.

There are two possible outcomes - OK three. 1. He actually notices and shapes up. 2. Your child grows to a point where they can keep themselves safe. There are genuinely parents who are dangerous with the baby stage but pretty good later on. 3. You become a volcano of resentment and your marriage tanks. Tbh it could be all three.

I would say that both my dad and husband had very detached upbringings and I would say were not kept emotionally safe themselves. I do think some people in order not to engage with the reality that they had an inadequate upbringing, which would mean confrontation with parents, try to recreate it, to prove to themselves that what was done to them was OK.

Google weaponised incompetence

Send him back to his mum so she can enjoy what she raised.

My ex has adhd and tries to use it as a 'get out of jail free card' but I've stopped accepting that as an excuse. You have adhd? OK, then it's time to buy an organiser, planner, set alarms on your phone, write lists on the wall, go to gp for medication or seek some sort of treatment or solution that will make you a functioning adult when around dc. If you're not able to do that then you don't get unsupervised access. The rest of his life is an absolute clusterfuck but I don't care about that and its none of my business. When you have the dc you need to be on the ball or you don't get them.

No, do not let him do bath time. It only takes a minute

Hi OP, with adhd it’s routine and structure and acknowledgment. . Does he acknowledge that he’s struggling in the areas you describe?
My suggestion would be to start by playing to his strengths - you mention what he is good at. So tell him he good at that.
Then take bottles for example - could he feed the baby prepared baby milk from a carton. Instead of using the machine. At least for the start. Buy a baby bottle warmer - one where the milk won’t get too hot. Plus a timer to remind him. It’s also not the end of the world if your baby has room temperature milk from a carton. It warming it is going to be too much of a stretch.
and it’s practise, practise, practise.
If he loves her and is interested in her he will
want to help.
A diagnosis and medication will help him. Maybe it’s time?

Or 4, he seriously harms her.

So adding a baby to the mix of a forgetful "laid back", weaponising incompetant, you thought it would all work out?

You are where you are, and you have to decide what to do next? Did you want 2 DC? Thats what you have at the moment - you'd be better off on your own

This. As you say he was like this pre baby.

The thought of having to micromanage another adult gives me the rage. Fair play if you could do it, but I chose being a single parent rather than an adoptive mummy to a 40 year old man-child.

Hi op I’ve been on MN for over 10 years and I’ve read some pretty disturbing things but he’s literally an accident waiting to happen when it comes to your baby.

get rid of him.

seriously, this isn’t just first time parent learning as they go alone like we all do, this is dangerous and he’s going to harm your precious baby. It’s only a matter of time.

im not trying to scare you but when social services get involved due to his incompetence then you will have to show that you’re doing everything you can to keep your daughter safe ( and I absolutely know you are ) but he isn’t so the only way to ensure her safety is to get him out of your house, it’s bloody sad really because you no doubt love him but he’s not safe to be around your baby. You sound lovely and neither you or your baby deserve this shitty partner/father but you absolutely can do it without him. He’s a liability.

The list of issues -
⁃ Makes bottles wrong - Why and how - dangerously?
⁃ Forgets to fasten her in car seat - what adult does this - dangerous?
⁃ Forgets to lock his car so phone got stolen * *
⁃ Forgets to lock house door
⁃ Forgets to change nappy so leaks all over ( several times a week) abuse is leaving her in a dirty nappy
⁃ Forgets to put break on the pram so rolls had to catch it from going in road what adult does this - dangerous?
⁃ I have to tell him to play with her or say bye when going to work. Or even hello when coming in from work
⁃ Forgets to remove Bib when putting her to bed or remove any loose blankets what adult does this - dangerous?
⁃ Puts her on sofa in her pod but unsafely what adult does this - dangerous?
⁃ Doesn’t watch her properly cause constantly on his phone We all want to spend time on our social media / phones - but you cant do this
⁃ Doesn’t seem to miss her at all will happily go work 9-5 go golf or football after or meet a friend ( when he comes back home she’s already asleep) does that sometimes 2 nights in a row so won’t see her properly for 2 days and doesn’t say anything about missing her or can’t wait to see her.
⁃ Picks her up for 10 minutes then if she crys says oh do you want mummy lazy fucker
⁃ Just doesn’t check on her when out and about, was out at a function (outside) I went to toilet so said watch her please in her pram. I saw someone I knew inside so stopped and chatted for 5 mins, came outside he was not near her pram and she was just screaming crying ( obviously couldn’t hear was too busy talking to someone) and just left her pram instead of taking it.lazy
⁃ If we are out with friends never helps just socialises and drinks while I do everything again - lazy

Without wanting to be over dramatic, I'm struggling to see this as carelessness rather than abusive neglect. Several things you've listed are the absolute basics of keeping your child safe and well, correct feeds, nappy changes, car safety. Unless he is mentally unwell or has a cognitive impairment I don't see how he could make this catogue of error through incompetence alone. I'd be seriously considering if this is passive aggression to your child. Especially as he seems to have no attachment to her.

This is really tough for the OP. If she stays with him sounds like she will kill him. If they split how can she leave her baby with him when he has access?

HOW does someone forget to do up a car seat?!! That’s just not OK.

ADHD is not an excuse at all- other parent have ADHD and do an amazing job of parenting.

I understand you op, I made a similar mistake when choosing a man to have kids with!

Pre kids I was irresponsible, care free and selfish. I didn't take things too seriously. When I got pregnant I realised it was time to sort my shit out and step up if I was going to continue with the pregnancy. I (wrongly) assumed ex dp felt that way too. It never occurred to me to sit him down and check if he realised that kids come first and he'd have to make sacrifices, I assumed that was obvious! Oh well, live and learn.

Does he have learning difficulties? Or he’s hoping you’ll eventually stop asking him to do anything.

Hi OP,

Does he contribute other things to your family? For example does he bring in a lot of money? Maybe he is not great with babies and you need to do the child care while he earns the money?

Also- just seen the ADHD reference, I have diagnosed ADHD as well as other physical and MH conditions and I’m fed up of people using these things as an excuse for everything, I’ve managed to raise 2 wonderful humans who both have autism and anxiety who are now 13 and 21 years old and not cause them harm. Yes I’ve fucked up/made mistakes/made the wrong judgement many times etc etc etc but that’s incomparable to what this man is doing.

He is a poor excuse of a father.

He does sound quite like a friend of mine with ADHD. His wife similarly struggled when their kids were young because he couldn’t concentrate properly to keep them safe.

The difference is, he sought an ADHD diagnosis, got it, tried medication, and is now a very capable person.

It may be that this is not his fault. But if he is unwilling to address it, that is his fault. And whichever of those is true, the fact is he cannot be responsible for the baby. Which puts you in a really difficult position.

This sounds very sensible and really the only option to keep your baby safe.