I can’t trust my partner to look after our baby on his own and it’s draining.

[gg158]

Our baby girl is 4.5 months old.
I am trying to give him more responsibility to learn over the past few months as this is our first baby, and the first few months I know everyone makes mistakes but I can’t explain just how careless and irresponsible he is and it’s exhausting for me. I genuinely fear for her safety especially as she is becoming older going to start crawling ect and eating.

Work is different story and personal life I won’t go into that too much but he is irresponsible in those aspects of his personal phone and work phone work documents and also house keys constantly loosing or doesn’t know where put them. His mums excuse is he’s just always been like that that’s him he’s forgetful. Lol

The list of issues -
⁃ Makes bottles wrong
⁃ Forgets to fasten her in car seat
⁃ Forgets to lock his car so phone got stolen
⁃ Forgets to lock house door
⁃ Forgets to change nappy so leaks all over ( several times a week)
⁃ Forgets to put break on the pram so rolls had to catch it from going in road
⁃ I have to tell him to play with her or say bye when going to work. Or even hello when coming in from work
⁃ Forgets to remove Bib when putting her to bed or remove any loose blankets
⁃ Puts her on sofa in her pod but unsafely
⁃ Doesn’t watch her properly cause constantly on his phone
⁃ Doesn’t seem to miss her at all will happily go work 9-5 go golf or football after or meet a friend ( when he comes back home she’s already asleep) does that sometimes 2 nights in a row so won’t see her properly for 2 days and doesn’t say anything about missing her or can’t wait to see her.
⁃ Picks her up for 10 minutes then if she crys says oh do you want mummy
⁃ Just doesn’t check on her when out and about, was out at a function (outside) I went to toilet so said watch her please in her pram. I saw someone I knew inside so stopped and chatted for 5 mins, came outside he was not near her pram and she was just screaming crying ( obviously couldn’t hear was too busy talking to someone) and just left her pram instead of taking it.
⁃ If we are out with friends never helps just socialises and drinks while I do everything

Most people after being told the dangers learn from mistakes but it’s just constantly repeat of me nagging and telling him. He still makes bottles wrong today, did one yesterday and still does most of the above points.
He has made a bottle twice with prep machine and not completed the full process just done the hot shot method - then brought the bottle ( which is boiling hot )!!!! Will literally scold her! But luckily I noticed.
He just doesn’t seem to understand the severity of it says all I do is have a go at him or I can’t do anything right or him and his mum say that’s just the way he is! He’s always been not organised and struggled.
He’s stressed with work he’s got a lot on.
No your mum has just done everything for you!
He just doesn’t think like in her pod she was so high up with cushions underneath if she rolled she be straight off sofa on the floor.

In his mums eyes he cannot do no wrong ever!!! He could probably break her leg and she would have an excuse. She was crying her heart out I asked why he said oh I wasn’t supporting her neck when she was and her neck flopped back I think I’ve hurt it so I said be careful her neck is so fragile! His mum responded - At least you’re honest!

I understand everyone makes mistakes and has to learn but he’s just not learning and it’s hard cause I’m just fed up of constantly asking for help and not feeling like he wants to help, but then also when I ask him to help cause he’s so careless he just can’t do things right or puts her in danger. I genuinely feel like I can’t leave her with him for more than a few hours. He's just way too laid back about everything.
My mum helps me so I do get a break we are so close and she has plenty of grandchildren so knows what she is doing.
But even my family see and worry for me and her.

What do I do??? It’s making arguments every week and ruining our relationship as I’m fearful but also getting frustrated. Xxx

He sounds pretty textbook adhd. He can learn to keep his daughter safe but he has to take responsibility for it. You constantly reminding him isn't going to work. If he's stressed at work and adjusting new baby it would make all his symptoms worse. Not justifying him being a shit dad but for adhd people the way we behave is not necessarily an indication on how important we think something is
even if from he outside it seems like we don't care.

@gg158 thats not being laid back.
Thats being dangerous.

Please don’t treat it as a small problem because it really isn’t.

I would be quite concerned if someone I knew was at that level of incompetence. If he has always been this way then surely his mum had concerns as he was growing up and you had concerns before choosing to have a baby with him?

I would leave him and insist all contact was supervised.

He doesn’t ‘forget’ he just doesn’t care.
LTB

'@BeeCucumber · Today 10:40
He is doing it on purpose because he is either too lazy to be a parent or he just wants you to do all the parenting. Get rid of the man child - one baby is enough.'

This!

Get rid.

@CoatesCat is it really unsurprising fir people with ADHD to forget to fasten their child in the car seat??
I mean it’s pretty basic. Like putting your seat belt on.

It’s convenient for him to be useless. Tell him he will be arrested if anything happens to your child, that he will be charged by police. He is the most important person in his own life, so unless his own time and freedom is under threat he is not going to care.

This is what both him and his mum say also. Not diagnosed but say he has ADHD. He has a million things on his mind.

Does he want to improve @gg158 ?

Neurodivergent or not, he has to learn to be responsible in basic safety around his child and he needs to want to do that. From what you've put here I'd say he may be neurodivergent but his mum hasn't helped him learn from a young age how to deal with it and has instead made excuses for him.

If he can't see or accept he is putting his child at risk then I'm afraid you have no choice but to never hand over responsibility to him.

I would document everything including dates and times of when he has put her at risk so if you do decide to leave him you can show the court why he needs supervision (and not with his mum but an independent carer) should he want access.

I know. Prior to having a baby the problems we faced were just loosing phone, forgetting work documents ect. Not being organised.
I really wasn't to know he would be like this at all :( I thought he would understand the severity and how to protect your baby ect it's the basic of being a parent xx

If ADHD is the issue, he needs to understand that it isn’t an excuse and he needs to take responsibility. He can set alarms on his phone to remind him to change nappies etc so you aren’t left constantly correcting him/reminding him.

Plenty of parents have ADHD and parent well.

He needs diagnosing and treatment and to learn how to build structure into his life so he can get the important things done

How long have you two been together? I know this is like the default response on Mumsnet - but leave that incompetent, dangerous, forgetful, essentially useless man. If he can hold down a job, there is no way he is this forgetful. It almost sounds like a mental illness, but could just be weaponised incompetence due to molly coddling by his mum - sounds like it from your description.

When baby is rolling, crawling, eating, you'll soon realise you just can't have somebody like him around. Better get him gone now and make notes of just how useless he is in taking care of his baby incase he goes for custody. Being such a useless sack of shit as he is is genuinely the kind of people who have their babies die in their care (bar the exhausted parents with mental illness or freak accidents). He just isn't safe to look after your child and will be doing you more harm being around basically parenting 2 people than if he wasn't there. Given how awful this man is (yes, he is! I don't care if he's sweet and kind and a bit funny otherwise!) you'll feel great being a single mother.

Before you leave him I'd sit down and have a conversation about how you see he struggles with basic child care, and since you no longer want to be together, you want it clear that you will not trust him alone with the baby until he can prove he's willing to fix this extreme incompetence. I'd throw a dog a bone and say "look, if you aren't up to the job, it's not okay but I won't go on about it. Plenty of men struggle being dads and don't see their kids much. But I won't put my baby at risk, and I want you to know her safety is my priority." See what he says. With just how bad he sounds, I wouldn't want him around the kid for the next half decade until they are a little more self sufficient, if at all. He clearly isn't cut out to be a father (unless there is an underlying brain tumor or serious developing mental illness .. but he needs to recognise he's being dangerous and want to fix himself without you prompting him).

Honestly - get him away from your child. You will be SO much happier and less stressed. He will likely neglect your baby and put them in harms way, if this goes to court and you have evidence of this I highly doubt he'd get unsupervised contact. Rant over.

Sounds like some sort of executive function / ADHD issue. Lack of awareness of dangers is very real and he genuinely may not think things through or that they are a big deal. People and things being out of sight out of mind is very common too.

However, If he was a good dad he would develop coping strategies, go to the GP about forgetfulness etc, take an interest learn how to do things properly without putting his child in harms way.

It sounds like he is both a feckless manchild, and has something else going on.

What your next steps are from here are tricky. If you leave him is he going to want access and be unsupervised potentially putting her at risk? Or will he walk away glad to be 'rid' of the commitment?

I'm sorry to say but this sounds similar to my ex husband. He's diagnosed now with adhd and autism but he also has a very selfish personality.

He would:
regularly spit on things to clean them for our newborn who was born prematurely.

Forget to strap him in pushchair, high chair or car seat. Forget the car seat and think it was ok to carry him in the back or front of the car. 🤬

Not watch him properly so constant accidents when I wasn't around.

He smoked and drank heavily and thought that was ok around a newborn.

We split and I'm so much happier.

Only major difficulty for me was worrying about him having contact when I wasn't there so I ended up staying with him longer than I should have done.

I wish you luck and I understand how hard and exhausting it it.

Absolutely.

The issue here isn’t possible ADHD, it’s failing to take responsibility and address concerns.

So he left the brake off. Baby could have rolled into traffic. For most people, ND or not, that would be a huge worry. Maybe they would add a sticker to the handle bar saying ‘BRAKE’ to remind them until it became second nature.

We all have ‘blank spots’ where we forget things - but most don’t have serious consequences.

Some of these things sound very odd, has he got learning difficulties?

I also thought it seems a bit like ADHD but the problem is he doesn't seem to care? Having ADHD isn't an excuse to not be able to look in the mirror and be like "Jesus Christ, I'm struggling and need some sort of help or medication or support to fix this as I am literally putting my baby's life in danger multiple times a day/week". Even if it is ADHD, without sorting it out he's not fit to be around the baby.

Unless this was the absolute love of my life who I'd been with for years and was openly regretful and upset at his inability to do basic care for our baby and was actively working on it and I could see that with actions and improvement (ALREADY, baby is 4 months, he's had time), I would definitely leave him, ADHD or not. Being kind and understanding to him is about 1000 points down the priority list under keeping my baby safe, alive, loved and cared for.

Can ADHD explain him letting his baby's head flop back and not being that bothered, causing baby to cry? That can cause serious injuries. He's a massive liability and needs to go before baby gets hurt

This sounds like a safe guarding concern. I would be seriously concerned and wouldn't want him anywhere near my baby

This.

What made you think he was good father material.

Sorry, but you chose this manhole as a partner and someone to have a baby with. What were you thinking???

Does he forget his own seatbelt? Or just the baby’s.
he sounds so disinterested, to the point of neglect. You’ll never be able to feel safe leaving her with him, you might as well just be the two of you and save yourself the work surely.

That sounds exhausting OP, you would have an easier time doing it all alone.

Prior to having a baby the problems we faced were just loosing phone, forgetting work documents ect. Not being organised.

I really wasn't to know he would be like this at all he hadn't ever done anything to make me think he wouldn't be safe wound a baby, like I said minor things like loosing phone or work documents. :( I thought he would understand the severity and how to protect your baby ect just the basics being a parent.

I understand this but then I face what about when he wants her for weekends to see her he will be alone. Unsupervised... and if I say you can't see her alone I will look like a terrible person who's stopping someone see their daughter from everyone else's point of view I would look controlling. X