MIL threw phone when asked not to use in the car with toddler

[ForLemonPanda]

First time on this site, hello!
Toddler attends daycare 4 days a week, MIL watches her 1 day a week as my husband requested toddler be around family as well. This has been the arrangement for over a year since I went back to work.

Both me and MIL can butt heads, we both get defensive easily, so husband asked me to go through him with any issues I have with her regarding our child. The problem is when he does, he isn't very direct, and she doesn't take it as serious as I would like them to. Or there are times he never speaks with her.

Example this morning: MIL came to pick up toddler for their weekly day together. MIL has been using her phone held by the headrest and to me this is unsafe. If she needs to stop quickly, or another car hits them, that phone could easily hit my child in the face. So I asked her not to. Her attitude changed quickly and said "why?" a few times when I simply said oh it just makes me nervous, you know how I am with car safety. She just would not drop it so I explained it could hit child in the face and child can entertain herself for 20 minutes so no need for the phone. She then throws it into the front of the car and her face is pissed off.

She said she feels like she is on eggshells with me and never knows when something is bothering me, I explained her son asked I not go to her, so we avoid upsetting her but at the same time I don't want to ignore safety concerns of my child just to not hurt a grown woman's feelings. She seemed to genuinely understand this part, but I know she sees me as controlling and has said as much. I told my husband what happened and while he agreed with me he still feels I should have waited for him to say something.

Other things I have asked him to speak to her about:

• No bananas, toddler will get bung up for days with the smallest amounts. I ended up having to be direct with her and she was cold towards me.
• MIL painted toddlers nails when I have openly said not to, that I want that first time to be with me. But I kept my mouth shut and just took the polish off.
• Having car seat inspected for safety, I again had to be direct with her.

This thread is quite long, I apologize. I simply don't have a village or friends who are parents and sometimes I feel like I'm being heard, just viewed as dramatic or controlling.

Actually if DC is "getting antsy" and MIL is finding it distracting while she is driving, entertaining DC with a phone might be safer - you must be able to get some sort of holder to secure it properly...

So did she throw her phone violently? Or did she just lightly throw it into the seat well? I mean throw means lots of things, doesn't it? I've just thrown a bag of crisps to my son. It caused no harm
I've thrown food out for the birds, again no harm to the birds. Or I might throw a brick at a window and cause damage.
If, I was the OP, I would just say every time, ' oh you won't forget it's no bananas will you? And these car seats really are hard to fit, aren't they? Let me help you get it tighter. We' ve bought a mat so your seats aren't damaged. Hope that's OK? '.
But that's me, I would try not to be confrontational, and keep it friendly. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

You can but car seat protectors than cover the seat and protect them from children's car seats, perhaps you need to buy one

This sounds like you projecting your issues into OP’s situation.

I think you need to pay for child care. It’s easier to set boundaries that way.

Does MiL actually want to be doing regular childcare or is this just what DH wants?

OP already is paying for childcare. She wants her DD in full time childcare but her DD and MIL disagree. OP has said MIL will "Go nuclear" if the DD goes into full time childcare.

"Our daughter attends 4 of the 5 days for daycare but we are still required to pay for 6 days.
I did not want her watching/caring/babysitting her at all. But my husband is also her parent. "

Sorry but unsafe car park is a hill to die on, whether she takes offence or not, she needs telling that she can’t look after her if she’s going to continue using an unsafe seat.

ignore my comment

She would go nuclear and probably cut us off. We've seen her flip from nice to nasty and we don't know what will set her off.

Probably not the best person to be providing childcare then!

Tbh your husband sounds daft.

His mum can still have a relationship with her GC without providing free childcare.

Or is this a way of him not having to see his mum as well?

Just hand the kid over & be done with it?

She sounds like a pain in the arse to me. I don't think I would want to be continue the childcare with her tbh.

How ridiculous that your husband expects you to go through him to speak to her, like you said she's a grown woman. Sounds like you and him are the ones walking on egg shells

FYI all of these things seem very reasonable to raise with her

Tbh the phone thing is crazy, she wouldn't have used a phone with her kids so why does she think it's necessary with her grandchild

So MIL has a temper (threw the phone, would go nuts if seriously challenged), and she's not afraid to use it to get what she wants.

This isn't the behaviour of a person you would pay to do childcare, so why are you allowing her to take care of a toddler?

Toddlers can be notoriously trying, and if patience isn't her strong suit, she isn't an appropriate carer for someone who is completely at her mercy.

Again, they already pay for 5 days of childcare. They use 4 of the days because her husband and MIL insist on her having one day. OP wants her in nursery all of the days.

This has nothing to do with “free childcare.”

Will your husband 'go nuclear and (probably) cut her off. (We've seen her flip from nice to nasty and we don't know what will set her off.) '

if she is in a car accident and your child is injured or even worse, or is it more important to him that the child spends time with family...

That's a bit of a blanket statement!!!!

Why?

I mean, mine is nuts (all three of her sons concur with that statement), but my sisters is amazing. She's not really a relation to my child, but if we needed help and she offered, I'd probably be ok with her, if my child knew her enough to be happy with her.

In most married couples, there's two mother in laws, it's just that you think of your mum as "mother" but to your DH she's "mother in law".

Would you be happy if your DH said your mum couldn't have your child because he would never leave a child with any mother in law?

This @ForLemonPanda is the pivotal point.

MiL’s attitude & responses to comments, suggestions & criticisms is like your mother’s. There is an uncertainty, anger & threat of explosion lurking in the background.

Bananas not negotiable. Your DH should care for his DD’s wellbeing to the point where he tells his mother or any other caregiver that this is non negotiable. Until he does, he changes DD’s nappies when she has been with MiL or you save them for him to see until he gets it.

Also if the car seat is not properly installed, it’s a non-starter. Your DH will want that for his DD, non?

All of this hinges on your DH’s wish for his mother to step up & be a great grandmother or maybe the calm loving mother he wishes her to have been. You are the one in therapy so dealing with your trauma & possibly he is/is not in a position to see that his DM has her flaws of her own.

This situation is circular. There is no financial penalty for your DD to go in everyday. Start now. Everything else with MiL thereafter is negotiable.

So you may be that bit more anxious given your history, there is a middle ground between two adult women to negotiate some understanding, tolerance & understanding if both parties commit & respect each other. First of all, take your DD out to the equation by taking her to nursery full time or another care giver.

Yes, I would have that this would be your biggest concern and something you'd speak to her directly about.

But I also do understand about the phone, I'm sure there are things you can buy to clip on and hold securely?

OP already explained she does check the seat when mil collects her, and has to remove the towel and re- fit the car seat every time. She's worried mil is not making sure the seat is safe for return journey as she always removes the seat.

@perfectstorm I don't think that "different generations see safety very differently". I'm old, and I don't have gc yet but I know car seat safety is something I'd be anal about (I was when my own kids were little too). My late mum who'd be 80 now bought us our car seat for her first. She came with me to get it, and was very anxious to make sure it was safe for her precious grandchild.

Just because someone is of a "different" generation doesn't make them ignorant about safety!

@ForLemonPanda the safety issues, ie the car seat and the phone, I think you need to resolve. I'm a bit taken aback to think a gran is more concerned with her car seats than her gc's safety. Put measures in place to make them safe, even if you have to buy them.

The bananas - well it's just cruel to leave the child in pain. I don't know what kind of a wimp couldn't tell his own mother to cut them out, for that reason!

The nail varnish... let's just say I have not got a scooby when, who, if, my DDs had their nails painted!

Well, OP is clearly not happy with the way her MIL is looking after her child so she needs to stop sending her there. There is no miraculous way to “make” the MIL listen to her nor is her husband going to change. The only thing she can do is put the child in nursery on the 5th day to put an end to this.

I doubt you're that much older than I am, if your mum would have been 80. I'm 50. But when I was a child, we used to stand in the car as my grandmother approached a dip in the road as fast as she could, heads through the roof (it was a 2CV with roll-back roof) whooping. We slept in the bench back seat and nobody even had seatbelts. I walked myself to school in London from 8 and was a latchkey kid from 11. Babies were put to sleep on stomachs to avoid a perceived choking hazard.

My parents' generation absolutely think we're mad about car safety and don't get why we won't just pop to the shops with a baby on laps if there's no carseat, for example. My MIL insisted she could never let a baby sleep on its back as it was "all just fads" and couldn't be safe. I am certain that a lot of the things I was told to do will shift by the time my 10 and 15 year old's contemporaries have kids.

I think you're making assumptions about my age from my opinions, there. Isn't that a tad, well... ageist? ;)

But, if OP already pays for the childcare, OP doesn't like her child being with MIL, and OP is the one who hands her child over to MIL, she has full control of this situation.

She no longer hands her child over and instead takes them to nursery. Who are told that no one other than a parent can take the child from nursery.

And then she stands firm while her DH cowers at his mum's strop.