MIL threw phone when asked not to use in the car with toddler

[ForLemonPanda]

First time on this site, hello!
Toddler attends daycare 4 days a week, MIL watches her 1 day a week as my husband requested toddler be around family as well. This has been the arrangement for over a year since I went back to work.

Both me and MIL can butt heads, we both get defensive easily, so husband asked me to go through him with any issues I have with her regarding our child. The problem is when he does, he isn't very direct, and she doesn't take it as serious as I would like them to. Or there are times he never speaks with her.

Example this morning: MIL came to pick up toddler for their weekly day together. MIL has been using her phone held by the headrest and to me this is unsafe. If she needs to stop quickly, or another car hits them, that phone could easily hit my child in the face. So I asked her not to. Her attitude changed quickly and said "why?" a few times when I simply said oh it just makes me nervous, you know how I am with car safety. She just would not drop it so I explained it could hit child in the face and child can entertain herself for 20 minutes so no need for the phone. She then throws it into the front of the car and her face is pissed off.

She said she feels like she is on eggshells with me and never knows when something is bothering me, I explained her son asked I not go to her, so we avoid upsetting her but at the same time I don't want to ignore safety concerns of my child just to not hurt a grown woman's feelings. She seemed to genuinely understand this part, but I know she sees me as controlling and has said as much. I told my husband what happened and while he agreed with me he still feels I should have waited for him to say something.

Other things I have asked him to speak to her about:

• No bananas, toddler will get bung up for days with the smallest amounts. I ended up having to be direct with her and she was cold towards me.
• MIL painted toddlers nails when I have openly said not to, that I want that first time to be with me. But I kept my mouth shut and just took the polish off.
• Having car seat inspected for safety, I again had to be direct with her.

This thread is quite long, I apologize. I simply don't have a village or friends who are parents and sometimes I feel like I'm being heard, just viewed as dramatic or controlling.

I agree with you, and your mother in law should respect those basic requests, they don’t sound unreasonable.
If she reacts badly maybe you need to look at alternative childcare.

You can check the car seat for safety, you can look after your own baby, don't have a go at someone who is doing you a favour. Had you said she was using the phone whilst driving I would understand your concerns but she's not.

This is not on.

You need to be extremely direct and firm with her. If she isn't bothered by this massive problem, what else is she blase about?

Frankly, I'd skip the stress and put the toddler in full-time childcare. MIL can spend a little time on weekends having fun times with him/ her.

Your H needs to be sat down and told he's being a limp lettuce here. He probably thinks the sun shines forth from his mother's rear end - serious issues here, I suspect. He's bending over backwards trying not to offend her. That needs to stop.

If you are so unhappy with MIL's childcare, as to create an entire thread on the poor woman, than pay for the extra day of nursery, or take care of your kid yourself.

We have absolutely no childcare from family, dh has no parent, I only have one left who is in bad health. So, these complaints seem crazy to me, your MIL is not you; there will be differences. Be grateful you have somebody to help you out. Do you give any compliments, or just all nitpicking? For your MIL to throw the phone, I suspect this is the tip of the iceberg.

Really?

Is this all you've taken away from this thread even after OP's specific and helpful explanations?

The mind boggles.......

This stress is just not worth it.

She ignores a really simple food request which makes your child feel unwell. And puts her leather car seats above road safety.

I wouldn't engage with her about it. Just have a chat with your DH and explain you've tried it for a year but now DD needs to be in nursery all week.

It's not a favour though is it... op already pays for 5/6 days of childcare but only uses 4 and one day is allocated to MIL on the request of DH which was let's face it probably requested by MIL herself.
Op said if they take that day away MIL will likely flip and turn nasty, so really MIL wants this day of access but isn't willing to make sure her granddaughter is looked after safely.

This is no favour and even if it was she isn't putting the safety and health first.

Apparently doing it three times 30 years ago qualifies her to not have to listen to the babies actual parents.

<massive fucking eye roll>

IMO nothing you have listed sounds unreasonable or ‘controlling’. Young children don’t NEED phone screens in their face during a car ride, especially on one so short. 🙄 Put the radio on, give them a soft book or fiddle toy to play with, sing to them … people are so bloody reliant on screens.

Your child - your rules. Yes she’s doing you a favour, but that doesn’t mean you have to automatically bin your boundaries off or feel uncomfortable about your child’s safety just so she doesn’t get a case of the boo-hoo’s.

If your husband is tiptoeing around his Mum (and it sounds like he is) in fear of how she’ll react in response to your very valid concerns, maybe she has the control issue and not you.

Didn't realise a child's safety was "nitpicking"?

Wow, we learn something new every day

It’s hard to take other things seriously when painting nails for the first time is listed amongst them. Pick your battles.

Have you literally just skimmed the OP and not remotely read the thread/updates?! You've completely misunderstood the whole point, why even bother commenting!

And another person who has either not remotely read the thread or has no comprehension of the actual situation... why have you even bothered to comment.

Nail polish is nit picking, how is that child safety? If child safety is hugely compromised by a phone etc, than the arrangement with MIL should have ended. I think if op had just mentioned the issues eg, banana, seat, and not included none issues things would be going better imo.
I suspect op is complaining about alot more none issues than the polish.

100% my thoughts too. It’s not like MiL is giving DC a cheeky biscuit without OP’s knowledge, she’s giving her a food (irrelevant whether it’s a pissing banana or not) that she has been TOLD makes DC constipated.

Sounds MiL is just used to getting her own way and is throwing her toys out of the pram under the guise of OP being ‘controlling’.

I think people keep overlooking that she threw her phone in temper

Also that you don't need her to look after your child and you have said she would go nuclear if you put your child into nursery full time, I think there is your answer. I wouldn't want an adult who has a toddler tantrum looking after my child.

My parents raised me and we didn't have car seats, hell we didn't even have seat belts in the rear of the car! They still put their grandchildren into car seats correctly installed in their car.

We had too many conversations with my FIL over safety when he had our son at his house (not childcare) and because he dismissed our concerns as the parents he never got to have my son alone again. That was 19 years ago. Sometimes you have to put your child first and cause the fall out.

Op actually says she didn't voice that as a complaint and kept it to herself, people keep ignoring that.

Also really hard to read the op properly and see she didn't actually complain to MIL about that.

Yes but imo, it shows that op is getting increasingly irritated by little things like this; I suspect there is more. We are only getting one side of the story, I'm looking out for a disgruntled MIL one coming up next! 😂

If her child's safety is really so compromised, than she, and her dh are complicit, by allowing this arrangement to go on. Going on only op's version of events MIL won't change.

Can you get her something like this to use under the car seat instead of a towel? While obviously you can't let the seat slide around you don't have to let it damage the car! https://www.halfords.com/baby-and-child/car-seat-travel-accessories/car-seat-covers-protection/halfords-car-seat-grip-mat-738054.html?istCompanyId=b8708c57-7a02-4cf6-b2c0-dc36b54a327e&istFeedId=367c5610-f937-4c81-8609-f84582324cd6&istItemId=rmiqrarpm&istBid=t&&_$ja=tsid:%7Ccid:17136607329%7Cagid:%7Ctid:%7Ccrid:%7Cnw:x%7Crnd:8747445121572568519%7Cdvc:m%7Cadp:%7Cmt:%7Cloc:9198460&gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAjw2dG1BhB4EiwA998cqB8zSSnltdulGPby6LXladne6oWL8bu1GfMt4HR8HMOtr1mnmqKMshoCY4cQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

This.

My MIL asked for months to have DD on her own, unsupervised. We didn't trust she'd do as we'd ask so we didn't let her til she proved to us that she took us seriously.

And then.

She threw a fit at DH over a complete non-issue (she asked what he was doing that day and flipped at him when he told her the plans because he wasn't free to do something she hadn't actually asked him to do yet). She then refused to speak to any of us for a fortnight, full on silent treatment.

She hasn't seen DD unsupervised since. Because that's not behaviour we want DD to experience when we can't remove her from the situation.

You and your H are the parents. Be the parents.

The banana things completely understandable.

the rest of it I’m with your MIL, you sound very precious and hard work. Is she giving you free childcare ?

Your updates are pretty shocking - especially the car seat.

I did not want her watching/caring/babysitting her at all. But my husband is also her parent, he has a say too.

But why does his “say” trump yours ? Time to tell him that he needs to sort out the major issues immediately (car seat and banana NOT the nail polish) or dd needs to be in paid childcare. You and him can see MIL with the baby at the weekend so that baby is safe and not in pain from the banana.

It's illegal to drive with a phone unless it's hand free, from your description, hers isn't so that's a no from me.

I can't get worked up about nail varnish, let these things go

As long as the seat is properly put in, i don't know anyone who has professional had them installed after all you tend to take them from car to car - I think it's on you to check it each week as I'm guessing she won't leave it in all the time as a grandparent.

As for the bananas, are you sure you aren't overstating the issue with them? It's definitely one of the better things she can give them nutrition wise. Would it be better you supply all food?

MIL doesn’t install the car seat correctly because she doesn’t want to scratch her leather seats. Car seats shouldn’t move.

Buy her an isofix car seat. These can have a towel underneath to protect the leather and it won’t hinder safety, plus any numpty can fit it.
buy a phone holder that goes on the headrest and will be safe.

there, simple, solutions not problems!

not sure what your issue is with the nail polish?

you sound like hard work