MIL threw phone when asked not to use in the car with toddler

[ForLemonPanda]

First time on this site, hello!
Toddler attends daycare 4 days a week, MIL watches her 1 day a week as my husband requested toddler be around family as well. This has been the arrangement for over a year since I went back to work.

Both me and MIL can butt heads, we both get defensive easily, so husband asked me to go through him with any issues I have with her regarding our child. The problem is when he does, he isn't very direct, and she doesn't take it as serious as I would like them to. Or there are times he never speaks with her.

Example this morning: MIL came to pick up toddler for their weekly day together. MIL has been using her phone held by the headrest and to me this is unsafe. If she needs to stop quickly, or another car hits them, that phone could easily hit my child in the face. So I asked her not to. Her attitude changed quickly and said "why?" a few times when I simply said oh it just makes me nervous, you know how I am with car safety. She just would not drop it so I explained it could hit child in the face and child can entertain herself for 20 minutes so no need for the phone. She then throws it into the front of the car and her face is pissed off.

She said she feels like she is on eggshells with me and never knows when something is bothering me, I explained her son asked I not go to her, so we avoid upsetting her but at the same time I don't want to ignore safety concerns of my child just to not hurt a grown woman's feelings. She seemed to genuinely understand this part, but I know she sees me as controlling and has said as much. I told my husband what happened and while he agreed with me he still feels I should have waited for him to say something.

Other things I have asked him to speak to her about:

• No bananas, toddler will get bung up for days with the smallest amounts. I ended up having to be direct with her and she was cold towards me.
• MIL painted toddlers nails when I have openly said not to, that I want that first time to be with me. But I kept my mouth shut and just took the polish off.
• Having car seat inspected for safety, I again had to be direct with her.

This thread is quite long, I apologize. I simply don't have a village or friends who are parents and sometimes I feel like I'm being heard, just viewed as dramatic or controlling.

I'd be concerned the car seat is not secure let alone the phone or have I misunderstood

I'm sure they are desperate to keep her safe. The difference is they don't agree with what constitutes 'safe'. That's the problem.

Does she have isofix points in her car? Could you pick up a new (or used never been in an accident) one with isofix as then you know it’s really secure. I got an isofix car seat for my mums car off facebook marketplace, it means I know it’s secure as I know she’d be a bit more “good enough” with safety than I would be. It makes a loud annoying sound if not fitted correctly.

In terms of the phone you can buy things that secure to a headrest and hold your phone securely - I got one off amazon for when we’ve to do really long drives. Personally I would buy one and gift it to her, I think the one I got was around £15. If she’s going to ignore you and do it anyway at least it will be secure. We don’t use phones in the car for short trips buy if you’re getting free babysitting and it’s once a week I’d just make sure it’s done safely.

I find it controlling from your husband that he doesnt allow you to communicate with his mother and complains when you do. It would be useful if you all work on ways how to communicate. There are ways to say what you need to say with less potential of the other person getting defensive.

With the phone in front of your childs face - did you explain why you are worried to start with? It sounds you kept it vague and explained only after MIL got upset. Without the explanation its easy for your MIL to take it in as just a demand and critisism of her.

I agree that there is no need for screens for a toddler in a car. No screens for a toddler at all in fact but I know other people think differently (for various reasons).

Totally agree. Particularly the case when a grandparent watches a child it seems the parent can't have any say on what happens, even if it's to the detriment of the child (like the banana) and should just be grateful even if they didn't want the arrangement to begin with but it was requested by grandparent or partner.

Yes he should have a say, but what his mother is doing e.g. feeding food child can’t eat, is outside the bounds of what should be expected and he should agree with you that it’s not safe for her to be the child’s cared.
I think your aim should be to remove her as a regular carer for your child. Have a serious discussion with him about it. If he can’t see that some of the things she’s doing are dangerous/doesn’t care that they’re dangerous, then you have a husband problem.

The nail painting I find odd. I thought you didnt want the childs nails painted because of the chemicals or because its not appropriate to paint childrens nails. I guess the general understanding in the UK is that its ok though.
I wonder why nailpainting is so special to you.

YANBU.

I really feel for you, especially because of how you were mothered.

It think this can be a common problem when grandparents look after kids. IMHO, like everyone who looks after your child, they should respect your wishes/preferences, even if they don’t agree with them, would do differently with their own children and/or finds them petty.

It seems she’s trying to blame you for her own lack of respect for you as a mother. She claims ‘it’s treading on eggshells’ dealing with you. But if she’s likely to go nuts if you put your child in daycare and gets stroppy/defensive when you politely point things out, it’s clearly you treading on eggshells around her. As you have done, by letting the nail varnish go, having previously requested she doesn’t use it on your child (the reason is irrelevant).

Given your upbringing, your partner should be more sensitive to your car safety concerns and need to be respected.

But, if he won’t back you up and they both effectively brow beat you into her doing whatever she wants with your child, I think you need to put your foot down and say you’d prefer to use daycare. When grandparents can’t be respectful, using them as regular childcare will simply create more and more conflict or anxiety/bottled up upset for you. And that may damage the relationship long-term and make things awkward for your child.

It’s different when they have them now and again. Though not car safety seats, which are a legal requirement, for obvious reasons.

Some people dont seem to understand the MIL isnt doing the OP a favour. She is doing what her son expects her to do. Also, OPs husband isnt allowing OP to raise issues with his mother. Weird family dynamics to me.

Buy her a specific mat that goes under the car seat on leather seats....and install it for her. 1 problem solved (we use them in our car, Amazon have them).

I don't agree with screens for LO's but to be fair a screaming child in the back of my car would be a huge stressor for me whilst driving, maybe that's why she does it.
I agree though, your child your rules.

10+ years older! I wasn't actually making any assumptions about your age and not sure what assumptions you think I was making; hadn't got a clue what age you were tbh!

We did similar. 4 of us packed in the back seat of the car, not a seat belt in sight. My dad would be in his late 90s and he never said anything about us being safety conscious. And they accepted that the advice was to let babies sleep on their backs. My mum bottle fed us, but she thought it was great when I breastfed mine.

We had tea in a bottle, were given gripe water, used dummies (the younger ones after I turned out to be a long-term thumb sucker!) and had cloth nappies. My parents never suggested I do any of those things, and never criticised how I did things differently to them.

So it's not all older people by any means. I am probably considered as an 'older' person much as I hate to think it (!) and my children are in their 20s.

Well is the op not capable of sorting the car seat out?

Exactly!

This. It looks like the OP's relationship with her DM has some effect on her relationship with MIL.

If the OP is so concerned about car trips safety (why? If I understand correctly, unlike the OP's mother, MIL hasn't been involved in any road accidents), why doesn't she or her husband shattle the baby on the days when the DC is looked after by MIL? And voilà, the car seat related issues would be resolved.

Wouldnt it be easier to provide MIL with a headrest mobile mount? It would stop those regular pointless battles. It would solve any potential sudden fall of phone associated risks, and MIL can stay focused on driving rather than being distracted by bored child.

Re banana: the OP can supply DC with a couple boxes of fruit bites. Problem solved.

I can see the MIL point of view. Being lectured instead of being thanked, she may consider to retract her generous FOC childcare offer just to keep her own sanity.

@ForLemonPanda something like this might help protect mil car seat and not put your child at risk

https://www.besafe.com/gb/accessories/installation-car-protection/car-seat-protector/

Hope your chat goes well/is going well this evening

It's not a generous offer - have you actually read all the OP's posts?

The five days of nursery have to be paid for anyway, but one paid for day goes unused because the OP's husband wants his mother to have their daughter one day a week, so grandmother and granddaughter can spend time together.

OP doesn't want or need this but is going along with it to respect her husband's wishes as a father.

He returns the favour by banning his wife from communicating with his mother about their child's needs.

It's altogether an awkward and unsatisfactory sounding dynamic and not helping the OP in any shape or form!

And again.
The OP already pays for childcare for that day. It's her DH and MIL who wants MIL to look after their DD not OP.
"Our daughter attends 4 of the 5 days for daycare but we are still required to pay for 6 days."
"I did not want her watching/caring/babysitting her at all. But my husband is also her parent, he has a say too."

"if the OP is so concerned about car safety."
The MIL won't secure the car seat properly. OP has to re secure it every time. The Mil then takes the seat out when OP has gone.
MIL has an unsecured iphone on the head rest in front of baby.

Not sure why you quoted me but yes, that is what she should do. She is trying to appease her husband but since he’s being useless I don’t personally think he should continue to “get a say.”

However the point of my post was that people are not reading and then frothing about “free childcare” and “pay up then” when that has nothing to do with it.

Then you would be perfectly free to say you could no longer look after the child.

If you think your different opinions make you superior and you ignore requests that have been specifically made to you, then you are just as grossly disrespectful as OP's MIL.

Sorry?

No she's show propping it up for the toddler to watch.

@ThatTealViewer "this woman"?!

God the MiL hate goes on and on here, doesn't it?

It's the child's grandmother, who somehow managed to raise a man that OP wanted to marry. She can't be that incompetent then surely?! These are not heinous crimes, apart from the one OPseems to add in as a side re the slidy car seat!! Buy her a rubber/ silicone mat to protect the seat.

All you haters- you'll be a MiL too one day.

Wake up

I did reread the OP post and to be honest can't find any mention or any reasons for nessesety to pay for 5 days nursary even if DC attends the establishment 4 days per week only. Perhaps there is an options to increase the nursery hours, however the current arrangement is 4 day nursery and 1 day FOC care by MIL. The reason for FOC care - the desire of DH to build up relationship between MIL and DC or to safe hefty 20% of nursery fee or both is irrelevant. I still believe this is a favour as a relationship can be build up over weekends and holidays yet OP's DH chooses work days.

It is reasonable to expect when you provide a favour, you would be treated with respect rather than being lectured and micromanaged.

If OP is not happy the arrangements made by her DH, she should address it with him. The OP's DM's dangerous driving has nothing to do with MIL's. Redirecting frustrations to MIL would neither resolve the issue nor create atmosphere of trust / work to resolve the indicated issues to mutual benefits.

The OP's constant emphasis on MIL's pitfalls without preventing actions (except the car seat everything else seems to be so minor and preventable with minor solution implementation) may be perceived as an attempt to build up evidence to reduce MIL presence in DH' and DC's life.

I completely agree with you, the relationship dynamic sounds very awkward. I sense (I can be wrong) that both parties tend to undermind the other's afford. It looks like "who is in power" battle with DH stack in the middle rather than a constructive dialogue.

Sorry, OP, i may be wrong but it looks like based on information provided.