MIL threw phone when asked not to use in the car with toddler

[ForLemonPanda]

First time on this site, hello!
Toddler attends daycare 4 days a week, MIL watches her 1 day a week as my husband requested toddler be around family as well. This has been the arrangement for over a year since I went back to work.

Both me and MIL can butt heads, we both get defensive easily, so husband asked me to go through him with any issues I have with her regarding our child. The problem is when he does, he isn't very direct, and she doesn't take it as serious as I would like them to. Or there are times he never speaks with her.

Example this morning: MIL came to pick up toddler for their weekly day together. MIL has been using her phone held by the headrest and to me this is unsafe. If she needs to stop quickly, or another car hits them, that phone could easily hit my child in the face. So I asked her not to. Her attitude changed quickly and said "why?" a few times when I simply said oh it just makes me nervous, you know how I am with car safety. She just would not drop it so I explained it could hit child in the face and child can entertain herself for 20 minutes so no need for the phone. She then throws it into the front of the car and her face is pissed off.

She said she feels like she is on eggshells with me and never knows when something is bothering me, I explained her son asked I not go to her, so we avoid upsetting her but at the same time I don't want to ignore safety concerns of my child just to not hurt a grown woman's feelings. She seemed to genuinely understand this part, but I know she sees me as controlling and has said as much. I told my husband what happened and while he agreed with me he still feels I should have waited for him to say something.

Other things I have asked him to speak to her about:

• No bananas, toddler will get bung up for days with the smallest amounts. I ended up having to be direct with her and she was cold towards me.
• MIL painted toddlers nails when I have openly said not to, that I want that first time to be with me. But I kept my mouth shut and just took the polish off.
• Having car seat inspected for safety, I again had to be direct with her.

This thread is quite long, I apologize. I simply don't have a village or friends who are parents and sometimes I feel like I'm being heard, just viewed as dramatic or controlling.

Like PP I think this is a case of pick your battles (or at least have them one at a time). I'd focus on getting the the car seat situation solved before addressing the bananas (can you just counter with prune juice/raspberries as best you can for a bit? Or tbh if you've had issues with impaction, something from the doctor may be required).

Get a proper headrest holder for the phone. No, DC absolutely doesn't need it in the car but MIL's going to keep doing it, so at least make it safe. And the nail polish is a non issue imo.

I was planning to post saying all this but @BunfightBetty has beaten me to it.

It sounds like your MIL is like my DM. You can't say the smallest thing without her overreacting massively so most people never challenge her. Your DH has been brought up around this and gets anxious when he knows she needs to be told.

I do thing you need to let the nail varnish thing go. Very minor firsts happening with other people are part and parcel of having them care for your child. Anything that affects the child's safety or wellbeing should be up for debate at any time and anyone who really cares about the child should be open to being challenged. I wouldn't want to risk a collision risking my child taking a phone to the face at high speed either. They are quite dense and I imagine could cause serious facial injuries.

I would either look for alternative childcare for that one day a week or have a frnk conversation with her so she understands that these discussions are required as part of caring for your child and they will continue, even if she creates merry hell every time you bring something up.

Not if the kid gets injured and/or constipated she's not!

Hi OP, I think your requirements are OTT and I can understand why your MIL feels she is walking on eggshells. I totally agree that child safety is priority.
Your specifications would irritate the hell out of me

Special first things are subjective. I doubt I'll care about who paints my little girls nails for the first time because I don't see it as important. But my SIL loves stuff like that and the day she and her daughter did it together was really special to her.

If someone took away the first time my daughter and I could have planted up some seeds, or seeing her amazement at them sprouting or flowering/fruiting I would be sad. That wouldn't be special to most other people but it is to me.

Ok, this, about your distressing childhood experiences, explains your anxiety. I'm of the opinion that people really should listen to an anxious mother's worries, rather than dismiss them. While admitting that you might be overanxious because of your childhood experiences, it's really important for children that their mothers aren't anxious or stressed.

Anxious people often come across as petty or controlling, so perhaps OP if you're able to explain why it makes you anxious your MIL might be more open to your suggestions? If not, it's not very kind if her, but lots of people are of the opinion that we shouldn't validate people's anxieties by giving in to them, so it might be that. Try to find a middle ground maybe: e.g. how likely is it, really, that the phone will fly off the headrest? But the car seat issue sounds important.

Spot on

Very helpful.

Well, MIL could try being understanding.

I wouldn't have her looking after any of my children if she is incapable of listening to anything I said about MY children.

Let her son facilitate visiting and see how often that happens, maybe she'll learn to listen properly then.

How is wanting a toddler to be secured properly in a car, and not being given food that makes them constipated “OTT”?
There hundreds of things MIL could give OP’s daughter besides bananas. I can understand why OP might be feeling rather frustrated with MIL.

Correct, the car seat is not tied down tightly. It slides across the seat due to the towel beneath it as well.

This would be by far the biggest issue for me.

As I said earlier I would check if the car seat was OK, myself. It takes a second or two and resolves the issue. The grandmother is collecting the child so I really don't see why it's not possible for mum to just check?

I thought @BunfightBetty summarised your issues well. But I just wanted to say..
It sounds like you are doing the face to face pick ups and drop offs, but its been decided that you are not allowed to communicate directly with the caregiver about your child because the caregiver doesn't want to have any comments from you on things like car safety and diet.
Your opinion is being completely diluted because it has to go through DH who will decide whether or not to say anything and how firmly to say it. Your agency and control over how your own child is being looked after has been taken away from you by these two, especially since you don't even want this "free" childcare.

Madness.

Your DH knows your childhood issues, but even without those, why is he allowing an unsafe car seat and a phone that could hit your child in the face. Does he understand about emergency stops? And before arguing MIL is a safe driver - what about the unsafe drivers on the road? Why is MIL allowed to dictate this and overrule you? YANBU. Its also hard to imagine a person who thinks its OK to deliberately feed a baby food that the mother has said upsets their stomach. That shows it is about her feelings, not about the best care for the baby. Any nursery or proper childminder would HAVE to ensure total car safety and adhere to dietary preferences - There doesn't seem to be any good reason for her to just ignore those issues, which are worrying you so much - why does he put his mum's mere "preferences" above your concerns?

Add to that "She would go nuclear ...We've seen her flip from nice to nasty and we don't know what will set her off."
Given her behaviour towards you and the fact that she can "flip from nice to nasty" She sounds intemperate and unstable.

Your DH has had a chance to do things his way and he's made a mess of it. He's paying more attention to MILs feelings than his wife and baby. It's unsustainable.

It's time to say to DH. I'm not doing this anymore. DD is old enough to go to full time nursery. She's had a year with MIL, you can take her to visit MIL at weekends and then you OP don't have to run the gauntlet of this every week.

People get very focused on the free element of grandparent childcare on Mumsnet but it's really not always what it's about. My nursery aged child is entitled to 15 hours free funding. We don't use it because he goes to his grandparents'. They are very happy to have him, and he loves them, so it seems like a better choice for us even though it involves driving further than if he were at a local nursery. It doesn't save us any money. There definitely are compromises on both sides, although I'd never compromise on safety.

She would go nuclear and probably cut us off. We've seen her flip from nice to nasty and we don't know what will set her off.

You've got more power in this situation than you think you do. Call her bluff.

I didn't really have a view till this, as different generations see safety very differently, but this made me flinch.

If you don't want her to have your child for a day, she will go nuclear and cut you all off - even the grandchild she purports to be so invested in? She goes nice to nasty and you don't know what the trigger will be?

Someone like that isn't someone I would want in sole charge of my child.

Maybe not, but I'll bet safety comes first.

Safety standards and general
parenting advice have changed - and it isn’t acceptable to trot out the ‘I’ve raised 3 kids’ line. My MIL told me that she understood that advice would have changed since she had DH and BIL. The best grandparents are surely those who understand that, and also understand that DILs might want to do things differently. They should not take it as some kind of criticism - my MIL didn’t.

Buy her a seat protector for her car
Maxi-Cosi Car Seat Protector, Waterproof Car Seat Cover, Non-Slip Baby Forward Rearward Car Seat Mat ISOFIX Compatible, Non-slip Bottom, Leather and Fabric Car Seat Protector, color black https://amzn.eu/d/5zuYuGT

Good luck!

I suspect she will turn on the taps and DH will side with her, so prepare a strategy…

Yes - this is a very important point. I wouldn’t want someone like that to look after my child.

And a holder for the phone

DDUP Car Headrest Tablet Mount Holder Auto Backseat Tablets Stand for Kids Compatible with iPad Air Mini/Cell Phone/Galaxy Tab/Kindle Fire Hd/Switch Lite or Other 4.7-10.5" Device(Black) https://amzn.eu/d/9mTbQb7

So, even without your personal history explaining why you are hyper-vigilant about car safety…
1.A handset is kind of lodged beneath the headrest of the front seat, and not attached with a proper clip? Either MiL buys something to secure it or stops doing it. You are quite right to say that in a crash it could come lose and go flying in your child’s face.
2 banana can bung people up (it does me) and if you have explained this and asked her NOT to feed her them, then she should not do so.
3.If the seat is moving and has not been properly installed each week, then you must refuse to allow her to take your child. The car seat should not move. Buy her a seat liner if that is the issue, but aside from the towel/leather, if it has been properly installed it should not move.
4.Nail varnish - totally understand this, but not really a big deal. Your child won’t remember and in the scheme of the car safety issues and deliberate risking constipating your child (not fun for an adult, let alone a toddler) it’s not really that important. I’d let that one go.

If your DH won’t be firm and support the mother of his child over DD’s care and if your MiL won’t listen to your requests, then I don’t think either of them are giving you a choice - book her into nursery and MiL can visit every couple of weeks for a few hours.

And finally this t shirt. Time for some shopping op

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