MIL threw phone when asked not to use in the car with toddler

[ForLemonPanda]

First time on this site, hello!
Toddler attends daycare 4 days a week, MIL watches her 1 day a week as my husband requested toddler be around family as well. This has been the arrangement for over a year since I went back to work.

Both me and MIL can butt heads, we both get defensive easily, so husband asked me to go through him with any issues I have with her regarding our child. The problem is when he does, he isn't very direct, and she doesn't take it as serious as I would like them to. Or there are times he never speaks with her.

Example this morning: MIL came to pick up toddler for their weekly day together. MIL has been using her phone held by the headrest and to me this is unsafe. If she needs to stop quickly, or another car hits them, that phone could easily hit my child in the face. So I asked her not to. Her attitude changed quickly and said "why?" a few times when I simply said oh it just makes me nervous, you know how I am with car safety. She just would not drop it so I explained it could hit child in the face and child can entertain herself for 20 minutes so no need for the phone. She then throws it into the front of the car and her face is pissed off.

She said she feels like she is on eggshells with me and never knows when something is bothering me, I explained her son asked I not go to her, so we avoid upsetting her but at the same time I don't want to ignore safety concerns of my child just to not hurt a grown woman's feelings. She seemed to genuinely understand this part, but I know she sees me as controlling and has said as much. I told my husband what happened and while he agreed with me he still feels I should have waited for him to say something.

Other things I have asked him to speak to her about:

• No bananas, toddler will get bung up for days with the smallest amounts. I ended up having to be direct with her and she was cold towards me.
• MIL painted toddlers nails when I have openly said not to, that I want that first time to be with me. But I kept my mouth shut and just took the polish off.
• Having car seat inspected for safety, I again had to be direct with her.

This thread is quite long, I apologize. I simply don't have a village or friends who are parents and sometimes I feel like I'm being heard, just viewed as dramatic or controlling.

I love my MiL. She’s fabulous. I’ve learnt a lot from her and I very much look forward to being a similar MiL, one day.

However, this woman cannot be trusted to use a car seat properly. I happen to think that’s pretty heinous. The fact that she managed not to kill her son doesn’t change that. I would not let her take care of my child and I don’t think OP should.

Don't be sorry, be better.

Quoted you because you mentioned she's paying for childcare she doesn't use, and my point was that this actually puts her in a position of control.

I was just following on from your very good point, not quoting to argue with you.

Find other childcare.

What?? The car seat isnt attached properly??? If that’s the case why are you letting your baby in the car with her??

I assume you haven’t read later posts about an unsecured car seat?
Yes the nail polish is probably no big deal but the car seat is dangerous.

She can't possibly be driving safely. How does she look left or right?

Sounds like you might be a tiny bit overprotective due to your experience with your own mother. Your mil probably knows what she’s doing, most of the time. Just choose your battles and try not to pick everything apart. In this situation, no one is happy, including husband. You should want happy memories, not memories of keeping mil in her place.

I think that one of you should take her to amd from her house.
That will take the car seat and phone safety issues out of the equation.

Is it now an essential part of transporting a child for 20 mins that is has to have a phone stuck in front of it ?? Really ??

Nail polish - I’d let that go .

You are mum - say what you feel about your own child but accept you are getting a child care day in return .

You are assuming MIL doesn’t take LO out anywhere on their days?

Correct, the car seat is not tied down tightly. It slides across the seat due to the towel beneath it as well.

There definitely shouldn't be a towel under the seat.

If she's looking to protect her car seat could you get her a proper crash tested car seat protected with a built in tablet holder (Axkid and BeSafe do them) and kill two birds with one stone?

I'd fix the car seat myself, but the other stuff I think you have to suck up if you're getting free childcare. Sorry OP but I think you're over-reacting a bit.

Infant car seats not being installed correctly can have disastrous injuries on an infant on a crash. When car seat safety checks have been done they're finding that 2.5 out of six seats are installed incorrectly. So yes it's a thing.

OP your kid your rules, don’t you ever let anyone make you feel otherwise. People here are making you feel like MIL doing you a favour looking after your LO one day a week when the reality is it’s the other way round. Not a chance I’d be putting up with any of the behaviours you’ve mentioned, especially the car seat. FWIW I don’t think you are overreacting about the nail polish.
Is she respectful over other dietary elements or wishes other than the banana? What do they get up to on this one day a week?
does MIL really want this or is this your DH? It’s a big commitment on her part

Mil isn't doing op a favour. She's paying for a full time place in childcare and ops dh wants mil to look after her for a day

When she drives your child her phone is in her bag and out of sight. If she doesn’t do this then that’s the end of her driving your child anywhere.

Op, you seem to have an issue with MIL removing the car seat. As your MIL only has your daughter one day per week it seems sensible to me. You also check it when she visits to take your daughter so it is never left in an unsafe position. What is the issue with you continuing to do this?

Buy her a phone holder.

Ask her nicely not to give Bananas and explain why.

You are really looking for an excuse to remove your daughter from her care, aren't you?

I suspect your DH/MIL know this.

Everything is explainable/changeable if you go about it the right way.

pay for 5 days of childcare and let your DH make arrangements for contact with his family.

Why don’t you show her the food bag ‘hack’ to put the phone in on the front seat head rest then your child can watch it and is safe.

As for the car seat, if someone can’t install one safely for my child, they won’t be taking my child out. If they’re happy to keep the seat in their car all of the time without moving it then that’s fine.

As for anything else, pick your battles. I understand there are ‘firsts’ that you want to experience, it’s natural but they like some firsts too and if it’s nothing major then just go with it. There are things you may miss whilst your child is at Childcare or with their Grandparents, it’s just how it is.

When my son was 2, he stayed with his Grandparents at their Caravan and they couldn’t settle him, they put him in a bed rather than his travel cot and in the end and he slept fine. He was still in his cot at home but rather than get pissed off, I took one side off his cot and tried it at home and all fine.

It sounds like you had a very traumatic childhood which is now, quite rightly, impacting your parenting style. Keep up with your therapy and try as much as possible to pick battles with PIL. Take care x

Your child should not be anywhere near this seat. A towel under it?!

Ask your mil if the leather seats more important than her granddaughter?

I’d be fucked off someone put nail polish on my child not because I wanted to but because I don’t think children should be subjected to harmful chemicals without making informed choices about them. Let alone it’s nice for girls to be little girls without worrying about looking ‘pretty’ - just creates mental health issues

I think the phone thing sounds potentially dangerous. It’s not secured and could easily whack your child in the face.

seat - of course she should put safety first. Are you saying the towel makes it slide over the seat? If she keeps continuously putting it under there expecting your kid to get in she’s undermining you and essentially saying she’s putting a leather seat in front of your child’s safety. It’s very disrespectful and I would not let my child ride in a car with her.

banana as well. She loves your child so much she’s willing to make them really uncomfortable? Fucking weirdo

Correction

Ask your mil if the leather seats are more important than her granddaughter