MIL threw phone when asked not to use in the car with toddler

[ForLemonPanda]

First time on this site, hello!
Toddler attends daycare 4 days a week, MIL watches her 1 day a week as my husband requested toddler be around family as well. This has been the arrangement for over a year since I went back to work.

Both me and MIL can butt heads, we both get defensive easily, so husband asked me to go through him with any issues I have with her regarding our child. The problem is when he does, he isn't very direct, and she doesn't take it as serious as I would like them to. Or there are times he never speaks with her.

Example this morning: MIL came to pick up toddler for their weekly day together. MIL has been using her phone held by the headrest and to me this is unsafe. If she needs to stop quickly, or another car hits them, that phone could easily hit my child in the face. So I asked her not to. Her attitude changed quickly and said "why?" a few times when I simply said oh it just makes me nervous, you know how I am with car safety. She just would not drop it so I explained it could hit child in the face and child can entertain herself for 20 minutes so no need for the phone. She then throws it into the front of the car and her face is pissed off.

She said she feels like she is on eggshells with me and never knows when something is bothering me, I explained her son asked I not go to her, so we avoid upsetting her but at the same time I don't want to ignore safety concerns of my child just to not hurt a grown woman's feelings. She seemed to genuinely understand this part, but I know she sees me as controlling and has said as much. I told my husband what happened and while he agreed with me he still feels I should have waited for him to say something.

Other things I have asked him to speak to her about:

• No bananas, toddler will get bung up for days with the smallest amounts. I ended up having to be direct with her and she was cold towards me.
• MIL painted toddlers nails when I have openly said not to, that I want that first time to be with me. But I kept my mouth shut and just took the polish off.
• Having car seat inspected for safety, I again had to be direct with her.

This thread is quite long, I apologize. I simply don't have a village or friends who are parents and sometimes I feel like I'm being heard, just viewed as dramatic or controlling.

Strangely enough things have changed in the 40 years since she had children.
Rear facing is the most safe option. Just because it is legal to do something does not make it safe. People can smoke and drink alcohol and we all know it’s not healthy for you at all. So I will always put my child’s safety first. Always. No matter what.

I can also be as “controlling” as I like with my child. Why would I give her something full of sugar when there are healthier alternatives that taste just as good? They are all over weight and do not eat great, I don’t want that for child. She isn’t even 2 yet. She has years to eat all the chocolate and sugar she wants.

I am also not young, not that it should make a difference either way.

Over re-action. The fact she has said she feels she’s walking on eggshells around you is telling. Sounds like you’re looking for stuff to have a go at her about. Apart from the car seat (can’t your dh secure it? May be that she just hasn’t fitted it properly), the other things sound pretty trivial.

“You young parents” isn’t condescending at all!

Constipation isn’t fun, avoiding constipation is hardly controlling

You are over reacting on all points except car seat check and that you could do. Honestly once you have another couple of kids under your belt you will wonder what on earth you were making a fuss over! Revel in the fact you have such a willing grandmother

If I said to my mum or mil bananas were causing issues then you can bet they wouldn’t allow them in the house. Over the top? Absolutely but they love their grandchildren more than they love me or dsis.

If I said the car seat wasn’t safe they would pay for it to be installed properly. All posters defending mil have not had the privilege I guess of good grandparent care. My mum sends me crazy but when it comes to her grandchildren there is no creeping on egg shells. Sorry to those of you who haven’t got that relationship!

You and DH need to explain to her that this has nothing to do with how she parented her children. This is about how you guys have decided to parent your child. Doing things differently doesn’t mean her way was wrong or less than. It means you guys have decided what decisions work best for your family. You know your child best and expect anyone caring for your child to defer to your knowledge.

Kids need consistency, especially toddlers and babies. When they get older, most can better understand that sometimes stuff is done differently at Granny’s house. However, some things are too important to be negotiable. You need to set your nonnegotiables with your DH and both of you share them with MIL. It is wrong for your DH to insist MIL have your child one day every week, but not want you to communicate properly with her. He needs to accept that if MIL has your DC, you get to civilly communicate with her, including instructions.

The car seat is a nonnegotiable. When our DC were in car seats, we purchased a special seat protector that was made to go under the car seat and protect the leather seats. I had the seat installation checked at the police department and they passed inspection. When our DC outgrew car seats/booster seats, our leather seats still looked new.

The bananas are a nonnegotiable. If your DC was allergic to them and broke out in hives all over her body would your MIL still feed them to her? There really isn’t a difference. Both reactions to bananas cause your DC unnecessary pain and discomfort.

For the situation with watching the phone in the car, either purchase a holder that is made to secure it to the seat or MIL keeps it up front, but plays sing-a-longs or storytelling. I can understand that your DC being restless or agitated on a car ride can be a huge distraction to whoever is driving. Your DH can also be in charge of dropping your DC off and picking her up from MIL. If MIL isn’t driving your DC anywhere, that takes care of the car seat and the phone issues.

Do you mean you pay for more nursery days than you use, so that MIL can have the child for a day?

You sound like a cotton wool parent. Either you trust her to look after grandchild or you don't. If you don't then either go buy some childcare where you can lay out your demands, or quit job and DIY.

I wouldn't say unreasonable as such everyone has their preferences but if you're getting free childcare I would suck it up and pick your battles carefully! Nail varnish really not a "special first" especially not as a toddler make it a special think when she's older and you can go and get them done together for the first time!
the phone well to be honest if it means your MIL can concentrate on driving then again I would just let it go! I'm sure there will be bigger problems over the years that you want her to listen too! Xx

Is it being a ‘cotton wool parent’ to want your child’s car seat properly fixed in the car, or to want your child not to be given a food that makes them constipated, @ensayers?

What she does when the child isn’t in the car is obviously her business. However, she’s (repeatedly) not installing it properly when she’s supposed to have their child. I wouldn’t let anyone who did that look after my child.

Doesn't matter what anyone else's opinion is about your rules for your child - people will agree or disagree but ultimately it's your child, your rules.

i would tell DH that he needs to be more direct with his mother to ensure she understands and follows your wishes and if these issues keep happening, you will have to look at LO going to daycare 5 days a week instead of MIL helping out as the staff at daycare are paid to follow your wishes so then there won't be any issues.

i would tell him that you should have passive aggressive responses from his mother and that you don't need her to make decisions for LO, that's your job.

As a mother of a little who was fed food by MIL that she was REPEATEDLY asked not to feed my child, it can be a nightmare! My LO ended up heavily constipated then got fecal impaction with anal fissures because MIL knew better ... my poor LO was in agony and I thought it was going to mean a visit to the emergency room. Needless to say that combines with other boundary stomping means we are now NC with her.

I agree with this.
Honestly, the more people to love your child the better. I lost my Mum when mine were quite little, and my Mil has been largely uninterested in my dds. I know how these things can feel like big things , but I think you will look back and see that she was trying to help, and wish you’d not made small things bigger.

You're being ridiculous. Didn't she raise kids long before you? I wouldn't tread on another mother's toes but at the same time, you need to have a bit of respect for this being your husband's mother and child's paternal grandmother. It must be awful for genuine, caring grandparents to put up with first time mum's coming into their lives with their son's and trying to tell them how things are done. No bananas fair enough but wise up about the rest.

I think these are all reasonable requests. You MIL sounds very touchy and your DH frustrating! If he won't step up to the plate then I don't blame you for asserting yourself. I would just try really hard not to react if she does. It sounds challenging and you have every reason to vent here!

Do you live your whole life thinking everyone is better or knows more than you? Genuinely, caring grandparents listen to their children. My mum hates anything new. But she listens. She indulges me and my sister. Plus she will look after her grandchildren whenever and we know they are safe. That’s priceless. That’s all the op is asking for.

Well, for good or bad - I guarantee this is how she sees it, she's already done the mum thing, and did it well enough with her son to make you want to be with him, so you're telling her how to suck eggs, and she doesnt like it. You both sound like you like it to be the way you want it, so you're going to disagree.
She is clearly stepping up as a grandparent, and you clearly benefit from her support. But you are mum, and there needs to be agreement about how you little one is brought up. Grandma is going to want to have some special stuff (painting nails on a toddler who won't remember is only special to grandma, so dont over-think it). My ex's mum bought our daughter a padded bra at 13 so she could get into nightclubs (after we broke up), so I dont think that is the sort of 'special' you want.
You need to build a stronger relationship with your mother-in-law, your husband is in the middle and is paralysed because he sees both sides. You (both) have to accept that you can both be right -and- have polar opposite views, but she needs to respect that you're mum and you need to respect her experience. Work with her.

Insane because she doesn't want her child constipated and being thrown about in an unsafe car seat. Ok......

Halfords do a free child seat safety check, or they used to. Definitely worth it for peace of mind. Having it slide around on a towel is ridiculous, you can buy grippy seat protection for a few quid.
The phone wedged between the headrest and seat is a bit of a simpleton thing to do also. Why is she not getting it? Maybe she's annoyed you've picked up on things she now realises are wrong and is frustrated because it's been pointed out.

I also think that her response throwing her phone about like a tantrum is incredibly juvenile and not someone I would like modeling good behaviour around my child it shows a lack of control and maturity

At first I was going to say you’re being over anxious but after reading your follow up comments I get it. She’s behaving irresponsibly and being bloody awkward for the sake of it. You are entirely entitled to hold better safety standards than she does. Good for you I say. What you are not entitled to tho I’m afraid, is free child care whilst at the same time setting expectations. In her view she’s doing you a massive favour and you should put up, trust her judgment and be grateful. Honestly I think the only answer is to pay for child care or explain to husband you’ll have to give up work to look after your daughter more safely. Personally I wouldn’t worry too much about offending her and explaining this. Sometimes it just goes with the territory and you have to suck it up. Your child is your only responsibility- not another adults feelings. Just don’t expect her to put in the time freely and willingly afterwards. This arrangement is not working and you need an alternative.

There’s bound to be tension because you don’t want her looking after DD, as you’ve said.

Car seat not being fitted correctly but you are fitting it yourself. Annoying, but she’s explained why and I can understand she doesn’t want interior damaged by leaving it there - especially when used 1 day per week. Does she keep it correctly positioned it in for the return? If she doesn’t, I wouldn’t be allowing her to drive DD. Otherwise I would let this go and keep fitting it.

Mobile phone if it’s not secure is not ideal - and it’s unnecessary. I would just say you don’t want DD watching the phone. She won’t want to fit anything to her leather seats most likely, per above, wouldn’t bother to raise as a suggestion.

Bananas, tell her DD clearly can’t tolerate them and it causes severe pain when passing stool. Repeat if she says “but she really likes them” (broken record technique).

Nail varnish, seems like it was a one off, probably not considering chemicals on the skin, you could say that.

Your DH - needs to be more direct or you will speak to MIL. Tell him 2 strikes and you will step in on whatever it is - meaning 1 initial conversation and 1 follow up if necessary and you will speak to her after that on the issue.

It seems she also appreciates being able to communicate directly with you, even if you bump heads. The relationship could be a lot worse and possibly could be built on on your side, especially as you have no other support network. Are they any positives about her or her involvement with DD you could focus on? Do you spend time with her outside of this regular CC she provides?

Having a relationship with a grandparent as long as they are a loving influence, which seems she is, will be a positive for DD especially as she grows up. Different generation has very different ideas,

I do agree with you on the things you’ve mentioned, but only properly understood them from your follow up to questions. Communication in your OP wasn’t very clear, perhaps some practice conversation with your therapist (starting with your DH) could be be helpful.

why on earth does a baby need to watch a screen while she’s driving anyway? This would be a no from me for more reasons than it isn’t safe!

Something ive learned with my parents is to praise the good before correcting the issues.

the car seat and the banana are real issues but she may be more receptive if you praise the good… then the criticism wont fall as sharply?