MIL threw phone when asked not to use in the car with toddler

[ForLemonPanda]

First time on this site, hello!
Toddler attends daycare 4 days a week, MIL watches her 1 day a week as my husband requested toddler be around family as well. This has been the arrangement for over a year since I went back to work.

Both me and MIL can butt heads, we both get defensive easily, so husband asked me to go through him with any issues I have with her regarding our child. The problem is when he does, he isn't very direct, and she doesn't take it as serious as I would like them to. Or there are times he never speaks with her.

Example this morning: MIL came to pick up toddler for their weekly day together. MIL has been using her phone held by the headrest and to me this is unsafe. If she needs to stop quickly, or another car hits them, that phone could easily hit my child in the face. So I asked her not to. Her attitude changed quickly and said "why?" a few times when I simply said oh it just makes me nervous, you know how I am with car safety. She just would not drop it so I explained it could hit child in the face and child can entertain herself for 20 minutes so no need for the phone. She then throws it into the front of the car and her face is pissed off.

She said she feels like she is on eggshells with me and never knows when something is bothering me, I explained her son asked I not go to her, so we avoid upsetting her but at the same time I don't want to ignore safety concerns of my child just to not hurt a grown woman's feelings. She seemed to genuinely understand this part, but I know she sees me as controlling and has said as much. I told my husband what happened and while he agreed with me he still feels I should have waited for him to say something.

Other things I have asked him to speak to her about:

• No bananas, toddler will get bung up for days with the smallest amounts. I ended up having to be direct with her and she was cold towards me.
• MIL painted toddlers nails when I have openly said not to, that I want that first time to be with me. But I kept my mouth shut and just took the polish off.
• Having car seat inspected for safety, I again had to be direct with her.

This thread is quite long, I apologize. I simply don't have a village or friends who are parents and sometimes I feel like I'm being heard, just viewed as dramatic or controlling.

Your comment re banana is fair enough if it upsets child's bowel (Personally love bananas but my bowel doesn't and it causes me pain ) I f the car seat moves its not safe and whilst you sound avlittle neurotic re the phone it could happen but fair enough Youre being picky re nail varnish but if youve laid down the law Mil should obey Just find alternative child care and cut the drama from your life

Babies first manicure 🤮 🤮

Can you change the arrangement? She comes to lunch/tea on aSaturday or Sunday instead of the weekday arrangement.
The car seat sliding around doesn’t sound good, they’re supposed to be fitted with very little give, though a long time since dgc used them.
No baby needs to watch a phone in a car. She can play nursery rhymes, or songs instead.
Nail painting I couldn’t get worked up about.
And she should take notice of food restrictions.

Me neither. She’s a fucking liability. Can you and DH rearrange things to cover her day?

1)Buy her one of those thingies where you can put a phone or tablet in and that hang safely secured from the headrest of the passenger seat. Make a deal with her : if you agree to use this when my child is in your car, I will stop nagging about that phone.
2)Buy her a nice antislip mat and install the carseat on it. No damage to the leather seat and your baby will not slide around anymore. Again, make a deal with her, see above from to .

She probably sees you as a whining overconcerned mother, show her you're not and that you're capable of finding solutions for your worries.

That is rather harsh because she doesn't keep a car seat installed for most of the week when the child won't be in the car .

It is very difficult to outline hazards to family members especially if you are reliant on them. Nowadays we are so much more aware of nutrition issues possibly dangerous behaviour etc. My partner was not allowed to hug new Grandchild because he had a cigarette in car until an hour had elapsed which is normal but we just didn’t know. Tell her you are understandably anxious when child is with anyone not just her. Say if she is not sure just check for both of your peace of mind. Tell her it is not a criticism of her you would be the same with anyone you entrusted your child with. And thank her for her help and hope you can rely on her again. Above all don’t give her an excuse to alienate herself to your family .

So she uses a car seat that's not secure, potentially allows your child to be hit in the face by a phone and feeds your child food that damages their digestion despite having been asked not to?

This is not about picking battles. She's a danger to your child. Pay for childcare instead if you have to.

Just put your child in nursery 5 days a week. If the Grandmother is more concerned about marks on her leather seats than the car seat being fitted securely, I wouldn't allow her to drive my child anywhere!

You've clearly never had a phone flug in your face in a car accident. I have and it broke my front tooth. A short journey or a long journey what's the difference? It's dangerous and a reasonable person understands and sees sense but the mil is more concerned about not being told what to do by the mother of the child and a husband to weak to stand up to his mum and tell her to understand basic requests.

Simple solution, pay for an extra day of childcare. You’re not happy with the free childcare from MIL so you need an alternative solution.

He does sound to be between a rock and a hard place with his mother and wife!

@ForLemonPanda

how did the ' chat ' go last night

is your husband going to back you up ?

I use a thin towel under my childs carseat to protect the upholstery.
So maybe you need to find a thin towel or blanket to put under it that won't cause it to slide

You sound very difficult tbh.

I don't think this arrangement for the phone sounds particularly safe, and I would be worried by the car seat thing too.

I'm surprised that anyone would think putting nail varnish on a toddler is a good idea (no experience of it being something anyone wanted to do to my boys though) - it's something which has quite strong chemicals in it, and won't kids put their fingers in their mouths etc? I think nail varnish should be left at least until an age when kids want to experiment with it themselves (hopefully with painting their nails rather than solvent use).

I think there’s a midpoint here. I think MIL is doing some odd stuff and I think your responses are OTT. Do you really think that a nursery will provide more a more loving and caring environment for your child than her grandmother does? Try to answer that honestly and objectively.

I often disagreed with stuff my ILs let my kids do but when all is said and done I know they love/loved them with all their hearts.

can you buy a holder for the phone?

I never butt heads with MIL over anything. EXCEPT the car seat. This forward facing nonsense is insane. And she’s the one who will call our house unsafe for xyz. I’m very relaxed. Unless my child is travelling at speeds that will snap his neck. It’s amazing this is an issue.

So yanbu.

Just put her in daycare.

Why don’t you go and drop your child to your MIL given the car safety?? Does she have to pick up and take back

I think you are getting a hard time on this thread, 3 of the things you mentioned could cause serious harm! Plus the childcare isn’t a favour as you still pay for the day and you would rather have her in daycare full time. Pick your battles and let her know the things that are absolutes, anything safety related like the care seat and phone must be respected.

I’m in a similar situation myself. Car seat safety is my most important issue. They forward faced my daughter when she 15 months old. Knowing we were rear facing and did it behind our back. Would put rear face when picking her up then once I’m not there turning her. The car seat they bought was actually not a bad one but we bought one that can only be rear faces as I can’t trust them to not turn her.
last time they collected SIL went to give her a vtec computer of some sort (I don’t want to many electric toys but that is all they buy her but that’s a different annoyance) anyway, I said can you not give her that in the car. They asked why I said the same as you, if you were in an accident or braked hard it would smash in her face. Also she is 22 months everything is still exciting and she is literally happy just looking out the window. She doesn’t need a distraction.
we’ve had lots of things like this. I’m not giving her chocolate or sweets and things with added sugar (I let her try a bit but I’m not just giving her a bar of chocolate etc) there are so many healthier alternatives and she is so little she will have them eventually just not yet. I get back but it won’t hurt, no it won’t but I don’t care we aren’t doing that.
I have said to my husband he needs to be the one saying things so I don’t just come across as an over dramatic mum. Right now it feels like I’m all by myself because apparently their feelings matter more than mine and our child.

Is this your first baby OP?
My husband and I don't have grand parents to take our children, sadly they've passed away.

You're very lucky you have a grand parent that wants to spend time and spoil your LO.

Relax a bit more, if she uses the head rest as a holder for her phone while your LO watches a cartoon for 20 mins so be it.
If she gives LO banana pissed surely, it's not the end of the world.
Checking car seats for safety? I'm not sure why this would be fine if it isn't in an accident, in which case it would be chucked out

This is EXCELLENT solution: anti slip mat; phone holder; deal to stop nagging and promise to be more relaxed about the child. Any opportunity for a child to be taken care of by family rather than daycare is a gift for the child and for the grandmother. Aging sucks sometimes and grandparents often provide a whole new world perspective for their grandchildren; grandparents can be an invaluable resource if you let them be so.

Putting a grandmother out of the child's life simply because of small issues that can be resolved with some help is probably not something that will help at all.

Your spouse - well, let's just say men are men and you are better off beefing up your relationship with your mother in law because you don't want to go between her and her son for petty reasons.

Playing the Devil's advocate here. Years and years ago there were no REQUIRED carseats. Therefore at LEAST they are using a carseat which is meant to be safe when facing forward; let them give the kid a new perspective? Grandparents are meant to do things the kids don't get to do when they are at home in "regular" territory. Parents need to realize this. Grandparents are adults and OBVIOUSLY have been responsible enough to raise you your dear spouse, so give them a break??!! Nothing will ever be perfect enough to suit some people, but PLEASE think of the child's happiness at having a new and, to the CHILD cooler, sillier, more relaxed adult to be around. A backward facing or a forward facing car seat is safe. A food (as long as it isn't an TRUE allergy issue) that you don't want the child to have is just your being controlling; let the kid have a treat day - with Grannie!! Stop hovering and relax, you young parents!! Life is too long to be so focused on the who has CONTROL drama. The kid is going to grow up and never look back at ya'll again anyway; enjoy the first 10 years because the following 10 years is going to be a surprise.

Food requirements is not negotiable. Car seat safety is paramount - we chose our MIL’s seat to ensure this, especially as they’re ‘older’ drivers. Phone time is NOT required for short car journeys. Kiddies need to learn to be bored and entertain themselves. If shes worried she can sing or play kiddie CDs! And they have the window as their tv! Play games, spot the red car etc. and oh my WORD just propping the phone up?? What the hell that is incredibly unsafe. That could become a weapon at speed, let alone smack them in the face. If she does it again maybe speak to your local police station and ask them to write a note for you, to show it’s not just you and unsafe!!