Ex refusing to bring phone back.... what can I do?

[choosetime]

My ex currently has our daughter for three weeks. There's a court order in place.

He has sent me a message stating that he wants to be on our daughter's iPhone as the organiser again (he was before but I made him take it off as felt like he was policing it).

He has stated that he's not happy with daughter's phone content and usage. Then added two screen shots of the time she's on it. So he's obviously had a snoop on here to see what she's been doing and how long etc.

Didn't realise it was that much but they are both 47 hours ish a week. She's 11.

He's not happy and said until I move him back on there he won't allow my daughter to come back with it. I pay for it. It's mine; so is this theft? Can I call the police if he does this?

He states it's damaging her and no child should be on a phone that much. I'm so annoyed.

She is 11. He is absolutely right to monitor what she is doing on her phone and how long she is on it for. 47 hours a week is almost 7 hours a day!
So he's obviously had a snoop on here to see what she's been doing and how long etc.
That is not snooping - that is responsible parenting.
I don't imagine the police will be remotely interested in a complaint that he has stolen his 11 year old daughter's phone.

You need to agree a screen time limit between the two of you. He is right that is a ridiculous amount of time.

You both need to remember that you are grown ups.

Agree a limit and both support it.

Not what you want to hear, but I think he’s absolutely right

She is 11 and he is monitoring cell phone usage in his home. He is not snooping.

i understand why you don’t want him to be an organizer remotely. That could cause any number of problems, particularly because the parental controls on iPhones are a bit buggy. Instead I would talk to him about setting up some limits for the phone and then I would enforce them myself.

You don’t have to agree to be as conservative as he wishes, but an 11yo should have app restrictions, a bedtime cutoff, and maximum time limits. You should also be looking at the phone regularly to see what she is viewing.

What exactly are you annoyed about? Yes he is policing her usage - as a parent that's exactly what should be done. He is doing this because you are not - you have no idea what she is accessing, how long she is on etc. 11 year olds should not be given free choice on phone usage. Step up as her parent.

That's he has said he's keeping it and won't bring her back with it! I pay for it. It's my property.

47 hours a week, blimey. I'm on his side. I'm guessing you haven't got any parental controls set up then.

He's trying to protect his child because you are failing her.

Missing the point...

So if the situation was reversed you'd be totally happy with her spending so long each day on a phone... Of course you wouldn't.

He sounds eminently sensible in wanting her to not have unlimited access to it and be able to monitor what she's doing.

Very much team sensible ex.

That's a heck of a lot of unsupervised screen time. He's right not to return it.

Whose name is on the phone contract?

Either agree with him or stop paying for it and get another one that she doesn't take to her dad's.

What does he do with her when he has her? Be interesting to see how much time she's spending on the phone when she's with him

@MrsMoastyToasty mine

I can't just stop paying for it, it's a contract.

OP you’re massively missing the point here, it’s not the phone that’s the issue it’s the length of time your DD is spending on it.

Can’t you see that 47 hrs is way too long? How is she managing to spend that much time on it?

Agree some parental controls on the phone and move on, your ex is right here, and in all honestly as parents he’s right to be ‘snooping’ on her phone to check what she’s accessing etc, it shouldn’t be open for her to be all over the internet etc at 11.

47 hours a week is ridiculous for an 11 year old on a phone.

He doesn't have the right to keep your property but he has the right to stop his child being on a phone for nearly 7 hours a day. Clearly you don't supervise her either.

He's not the parent putting his child at risk here.

so You have two issues - one that your dd has too much screen time. An agreement needs to be made about how much she uses the phone, charging it downstairs at night, possibly saying a digital sunset at 7pm (so no screens after 7). Taking games off it.

if she’s using her phone to listen to music /play the radio it can register as screen time even though it’s not really and i personally wouldn’t have an issue with that.

the other issue is him deciding the solution is to keep the phone that you own. that’s not an option. So you need to say you can agree rules about phone usage, he can have stricter rules at his house, but as you own the phone (not your dd) he needs to return it to you. If he would like her to leave it at your house next time she stays, that’s also an option.

Why do you have an 11 year on a mobile phone contract!

I believe you can set up restrictions on iPhone. The usage is high, however is she keeping lots of apps open this uses data and they are refreshing in the background. Or is she watching programs ?.

The phone is your property it’s in your name, ergo he gives it back to you.

Perhaps you suggest he gets his own for her and can police it and take it away when he chooses.

it sounds like he is questioning your parenting though and being a prat.

I'd be interested to know what an 11 year old is doing on a phone for 7 hours per day, assuming she's not on social media as too young. Is it gaming, watching YouTube?

A lot of kids watch a few hours of TV per day or do gaming but 7 hours is still quite a lot for an 11 year old and with it being on a phone I'd be concerned at it not being totally visible to the parents what she's doing. My child I can see what he's doing with screen time as its on a kids tablet or he watches the family TV. How often do you check the phone?

I agree he can't really take it off her as you pay for it but I do think he's trying to do the right thing here with good intentions, and normally I'm the first to jump on men who are trying to control their ex or kids but it really doesn't seem the case here.

He's right, she's on it too much. It's your property so you can set up a time limit and parental controls, you speak with her, tell her she can have 2 hours a day and that you and dad will be monitoring the time and content, there's no need to get annoyed.