Ex refusing to bring phone back.... what can I do?

[choosetime]

My ex currently has our daughter for three weeks. There's a court order in place.

He has sent me a message stating that he wants to be on our daughter's iPhone as the organiser again (he was before but I made him take it off as felt like he was policing it).

He has stated that he's not happy with daughter's phone content and usage. Then added two screen shots of the time she's on it. So he's obviously had a snoop on here to see what she's been doing and how long etc.

Didn't realise it was that much but they are both 47 hours ish a week. She's 11.

He's not happy and said until I move him back on there he won't allow my daughter to come back with it. I pay for it. It's mine; so is this theft? Can I call the police if he does this?

He states it's damaging her and no child should be on a phone that much. I'm so annoyed.

Stop acting like a petulant child. He is very much in the right here and no he isn’t “snooping” on your daughter he is parenting her.

47 hours of screen time in a week is a disgusting amount of time for an 11 year old to be on her phone and if you don’t realise this maybe he should have full parental controls over her phone and you have none.

put your feelings about your ex to the side and start thinking about your child and what’s best for her.

YABU

OP you’re massively missing the point here, it’s not the phone that’s the issue it’s the length of time your DD is spending on it

She's not missing the point, that's just not what she's come on here to ask?

My answer would be to add him on there, don't really see why you wouldn't but there's a court order in place so clearly there's more to this than OP has shared.

Incidentally this is exactly what I was talking about on another thread. Parents refusing to educate themselves on how to protect their children online. Setting limits is not hard. Taking a phone away from an 11 year old is not hard. Do it.

Because you aren't parenting over the phone.

Set limits on the phone usage. Parent, so he doesn't have to intervene.

Not hard.

He's right.

It's your property

But

She's 11 FFS

Almost 50 hours a week!!??!?

Be her bloody parent and focus on what's important here

And why on earth does an 11 yr old need a contract phone???

Asking him to put on the phone family link or equivalent. This app will allow to set up a limit on how much she can used the phone and time when she can be on the phone. It will solve his issue and your daughter can have her phone back

Jesus, 47 hours a week?!? That’s more than most people work.

If you aren’t properly parenting her and monitoring her phone usage - and you aren’t! - yes, absolutely someone needs to be.

My dd is 11 and might get her phone for a couple hours a few days a week. Maybe at a push, it’s in per possession 10 hours a week. Never has it after dinner, no social media, everything is monitored, all messages read.

Fucking hell. The pricks are out tonight aren't they!

He's clearly using it as a power move to control. Can you just agree to setting limits he is happy with for now but that you can't have him as the organiser of your property. Would that work?

Guessing this is one of the reasons he's an ex.

If he was the organiser would she lose access to Apple Music etc on your account? In addition would he then be able to track your phone and you wouldn't be able to track her?

Why don't you? No ones business is it. I'd bet more have contracts than don't.

At least one of you is actively parenting, I guess.

Tell him you agree. He sends it back. Then decide what you want to do. If you can't agree keep the phone at your house. Buy her a basic phone with stricter limits on it for when she is there. He is right that it's too much but this seems to be also about control. He can stop her use while she is with him but that's it.

All the perfect parents on here commenting, how many hours she lets HER child spend on the phone is up to her, that wasn't what she was even asking about, so many people so quick to judge and tell parents how bad they are and what they're doing wrong, you don't have to agree with amount of screen time and you also don't have to comment and try to make someone feel bad, what happened to be kind

@CantHoldMeDown and that's the parents decision and not what she was asking advice about.

Sounds like he is being a responsible parent here. 47 hours is ridiculous-that is two full days out of her week? What the heck???
No, the police will not be remotely interested. They will toll their eyes at such a pathetic spat between two ‘adults’ who should know better. And should know better than to allow the internet to raise their child.

Just tell him.. I am not adding you as the organiser. However, I understand your point of view and will limit internet usage time to 2 hours a day.

If he keeps the phone I don't think the police will get involved. I think you'll have to go to small claims court.

I’m absolutely agree it’s your property & the phone should be returned. I agree with him that amount of time spend on it is excessive. No 11 year old should be on their phone 47hrs pw imo.

Your ex is the only adult in this situation who is actually properly parenting your child. If I were him, I wouldn't give you the phone back, either, and I wouldn't care what you thought about it. You are being grossly negligent. Your child is 11 YEARS OLD and she's on her phone for 47 hours - TWO DAYS - a week. That's disgraceful.

So weird. I think I bumped into your Ex on Facebook.

Bottom line being
It's your property. Not returning it is theft.

He can't dictate your choices on your time.

But your parenting leaves a lot to be desired.

Cos SIM only is cheaper?

I’d add him on as an organiser and ask him to pay half the contract. Then agree a screen time limit between you. Six plus hours a day at eleven is insane she barely even needs a phone at eleven unless she’s going out with friends alone. Her screen use and what she is accessing absolutely needs close monitoring.

Maybe because it’s unsafe. Damages the brain. Damages concentration. Leads to mental health problems, social problems, academic problems and who only knows what else. Eleven year olds are children, not mini adults. They need parented and protected and 47 hours a week on a phone is horrific.

Does she use it to listen to music and watch telly on? It sounds like a lot of hours but really depends on what those hours are.

Totally.

As a matter of interest, how much time does she spend reading, doing sports, playing outdoors, doing something creative...