Friend’s spoilt children

[Saplingthing]

Name change because it’s potentially outing.

We’ve had a nice weekend away with friends, lots of activities and sightseeing but I struggle with how much stuff they buy for their DC. We can’t do any activity without them buying a crazy amount of toys. We visit a petting farm, they get a toy, we visit a museum, they get a toy, we go to a concert, they spend £150 on merchandise. To me the days out are the treats but their DC get multiple new toys each day. I could afford to do it but I honestly don’t want my DC to expect a new toy every time we leave the house so it’s a constant drama at the end of every activity, their DC get new toys and mine doesn’t. It causes so many tantrums, I’m comfortable saying no to my DC (aged 6) but we still get screaming tantrums in public every time I say no and their DC come out with their newest purchase. We really enjoy spending time with them but how can I get around this?! Today I whisked DC away from a gift shop so he wouldn’t know what he’s missing but he cried his eyes out knowing they were getting another toy and he was getting nothing. It puts a huge dampener on every outing with them.

It’s not giving in. Myself and my husband set the precedent so it would be cruel to randomly stop buying on our day out (about once a month)

So even though OP has been appreciative of the really good advice she's had on how to talk to her son about money, how to validate his feelings of disappointment for not getting a toy every time, but also explain that other families do things differently, you think you know best and you know the OP better than she knows herself?

I have heard of 'inference', and if you did you'd know that it's YOU doing the inferring, not OP.

I was brought up the same as you. Where ever we went as children both me and my brother- if it was a museum, day out, holidays we would get a small trinket from the gift shop. My mother would always say at the end of the trip you can get two small things in the gift shop. We would wander around and choose two little things to take home. 40 years later I still have very fond memories and do the exact same with my children. The thing is you are only young once its all finished really at 11/12years as they do their own things then with friends and don't care about a gift shop etc. It is a lovely way to be brought up collecting little things to remember the special day out.

I was brought up the same as you. Where ever we went as children both me and my brother- if it was a museum, day out, holidays we would get a small trinket from the gift shop. My mother would always say at the end of the trip you can get two small things in the gift shop. We would wander around and choose two little things to take home. 40 years later I still have very fond memories and do the exact same with my children. The thing is you are only young once its all finished really at 11/12years as they do their own things then with friends and don't care about a gift shop etc. It is a lovely way to be brought up collecting little things to remember the special day out.

Her op clearly states she can afford it. Which is fine, it's every parent choice. But people are making out the other family are "rubbing it in" when they're not.

Op is choosing her way and moaning about the other parents.

Once a month? Now you are just winding us up 😂

I'm completely with you OP. It's very rare that my child gets a new toy on demand, especially at gift shops. We just allow the browsing and do the ooohs and ahhhhs and if they really like it, we suggest that we stick it on the birthday and Christmas gift list and normally that gets us a pass. I don't want my child to be spoilt and I think it's important that they learn to prioritise when it comes to money. I find the browsing can alleviate a lot of it....rather than storming past the shop. It's a cultural thing as well. Some families are just really spendy and consumerist but I've not been raised that way and neither will my children. You are not alone and it will pay dividends in the long run.

It is very difficult when going with another family who seem to have the opposite view.

I’m sorry but why is that mad? That 1 weekend out of 4 we will go to somewhere with a gift shop?

I think you're being silly. If I usually buy my daughter an ice-cream when we see the ice-cream van but one day I don't have any change, she might well be a bit grumpy about that. If we usually have pudding after dinner but one day I haven't made any, she probably won't be over-impressed.

Children 70 years ago who might have had a school uniform, a play outfit and a Sunday best, and maybe one or two toys and books would probably be amazed to see the average child's bedroom today, with a wardrobe bursting with clothes and dressing up outfits, bookshelves full of books, hammocks full of teddy bears and Tony boxes, Lego, Brio train sets, Magnatiles, etc. etc. stacked up on every surface.

"Spoiling" is not about the quantity of stuff, it's about the attitude to the stuff.

Why is it so hard to believe people only do big days out once a month?

Ha, all these replies from parents who insist on buying a “souvenir”. As if your kid wants, needs or understands the concept of a souvenir. And no it’s not for you either as it will get lost, smashed and forgotten about within 5 mins. It’s entirely about you not wanting to fight your kids and have them kick if in public, so you buy them endless crap. At least admit it.

Depends what it is though. We always buy tshirts or hats when we travel. And we wear them. Ditto fridge magnets, calendars and stationeries. And we use them or gift them. Toys and novelties are slightly different though - will they actually play with it? Don't they have a hundred of similar items at home already? If not - let's think about it.
Maybe age 6 is too young still, but you need to start giving them pocket money.

I could afford to buy my children a gift every time we went on a day out, but why would I? We have enough tat. They have had a fun day out and have no expectation of buying something so are not upset at all when they don’t.

Children don’t get ruined if you put them a pencil or rubber from a gift shop 😂

saying You’re a monster and terrible mother is a ridiculous comment, please don’t do that.

your D.C. has feelings about this situation, so either address your sons feeling and come up with a coping strategy for him & you to work on

or quit going

neither is a reflection on you as a parent or him as a child

Where do gift shops charge £150 for a rubber and pencil

I’d have a chat with your friend about it. Just be honest, we love the days out but I don’t want to fell compelled to buy crap or deal with a meltdown could we agree to swerve the merchandise when we do X activity? I doubt they plan/want to buy all this stuff.

If you want your child's tantrums to dictate your friendships, then yes.

If you want to teach your child valuable lessons about life/other people's choices/ learning to regulate his emotions - then no.

Have you read the thread? I don’t get them a silly pencil or rubber. They get a new toy or anything they want to pick as a reminder of the day. I can’t win on here.

You're just creating the association between food and enjoyment instead.

I can see both sides.

Could you commit to one little thing in each place, so your kids don't feel like they're missing out?

Really, they can do whatever they like, but if I was your friend and could see that you say no a lot, I would rein it in and just offer one thing per trip.

I can’t believe how many people here think that children should get a toy or similar every time they go somewhere. Why is the day out, spent with family and friends not enough? 😕

Their house must be absolutely littered with tat that has been used once and then discarded for the next piece of crap

Stick to your guns and don't raise a spoilt brat

I've heard what some people do is take a photo with the child holding or pointing at the items they like, and then tell them they can choose a handful of things of all the things they've taken photos of throughout the year for their birthday or Christmas and you'll come back and get them. Usually they're forgotten about or discarded in favour of something "newer" that they prefer instead. It also gives you a "habit" or something to do while the others are choosing/queuing.

Not sure if this would work with an ND child though.

For me the problem is the sheer volume of stuff - mine pretty much just get toys on their birthdays and at Christmas and we're overrun. I can't imagine adding to it. I also prefer to focus on the experience than bringing something material home, I wouldn't want to create an association between "stuff" and "enjoyment".

I could say the same about Xmas/birthdays. Kids don't need shitload of stuff or massive purchases. We have parties instead. They still get their bikes/phones/consoles when the right time comes. And you don't need a special occasion to buy yourself or your kid something nice.

It's not an 'only'! !

Once a month, out for the day to the extent it warrants a gift shop memento? Once a month is just normal life, surely normal life doesn't need marking with a gift?

Once the poster said that it seemed more of a post meant to wind people up that are against such blatant consumerism