Friend’s spoilt children

[Saplingthing]

Name change because it’s potentially outing.

We’ve had a nice weekend away with friends, lots of activities and sightseeing but I struggle with how much stuff they buy for their DC. We can’t do any activity without them buying a crazy amount of toys. We visit a petting farm, they get a toy, we visit a museum, they get a toy, we go to a concert, they spend £150 on merchandise. To me the days out are the treats but their DC get multiple new toys each day. I could afford to do it but I honestly don’t want my DC to expect a new toy every time we leave the house so it’s a constant drama at the end of every activity, their DC get new toys and mine doesn’t. It causes so many tantrums, I’m comfortable saying no to my DC (aged 6) but we still get screaming tantrums in public every time I say no and their DC come out with their newest purchase. We really enjoy spending time with them but how can I get around this?! Today I whisked DC away from a gift shop so he wouldn’t know what he’s missing but he cried his eyes out knowing they were getting another toy and he was getting nothing. It puts a huge dampener on every outing with them.

@Saplingthing It's going to be difficult for your son to see other kids getting toys when he isn't. 6-year-olds still live mostly in the moment and it's tricky for them to get beyond it, so a plastic inflatable giraffe at the zoo might seem like the most important thing in the world to him at the time. However, at his age he will be developing his ability to put things in perspective. You need to reinforce that at other times, not just when you're out and about with other families.

Before every trip, maybe ask him about which part of the day he's most looking forward to, and when he gets home you can chat about what you both enjoyed. This will encourage him to focus more on experiences than on things. With his toys, I'm guessing he has some clear favourites that he plays with more than others. Most children do. You could talk to him about that, e.g. "Remember how upset you were when we couldn't find Paddington? He's your favourite, so we looked everywhere until we had him back! Toys are special, so that's why we don't buy too many. When you have lots of things there's no time to enjoy them the way you enjoy Paddington/Paw Patrol/Lego/insert favourite here."

Of course, this only works if you're consistent with it. Children usually have a very strong sense of fairness and if your son sees you or his dad regularly buying yourselves treats then the message won't have the same impact. A friend's 8-year-old was begging for a sparkly top recently, and when my friend said, "You've got enough clothes," her little girl retorted, "So do you and you still buy more!" We both cracked up at that, because it's true. My friend acknowledged it and said, "You're right, and I shouldn't buy so much. It's not good for me to do that." We ended up chatting about ethical fashion and the choices we can make to help other people, which turned out to be a good way to channel that sense of fairness. Her DD was very indignant to learn that there are girls her age who don't go to school because they're forced to work in clothes factories. She's obviously a couple of years older than your son and she's quite precocious in some ways, so he might not be up for a discussion of consumer ethics, but depending on his level of understanding you could explain a bit.

How often do people go out for days out? Would you really buy stuff from the shop every weekend or every other weekend? we live in London and definitely go somewhere every other weekend. It's also the time in the shop - kids can literally spend 30mins in the science museum shop if you let them

@Wtfmothernature

its not cruel to not buy your kids a toy on every single outing.

Finding this thread so interesting! I have vivid memories of not being allowed stuff from gift shops and how much it sucked, so sorry to say we are definitely a 'buy something in the gift shop' family. I consider it a part of the day out, not an additional. And the last time we did a day out to the aquarium we still had gift shop drama because he wanted a hideous shark and I said no, so agreeing to let them have something doesn't necessarily stop the tantrums anyway, you just have to parent through it. We came out with an octopus for the bath in the end.

If my friend had a different attitude to me on this, I'd not be offended if they said 'We're not coming to the farm with you because we don't want gift shop drama with our DC' but I would raise an eyebrow if they suggested we should stop buying stuff because it upsets their kids - that's their problem to manage, not mine.

Again..it’s cruel to randomly stop when we do it Everytime

Ive got a 26 and 28 year old i dont need to wise up. Thankfully they didnt have expectations of toys in the gift shop when we went out
The fact you think its cruel not to buy him something from the gift shop means you have a lot of wising up to do.

By that logic, mums who breast feed should never stop.

If they were just buying their children a pencil or fridge magnet there would be no problem.

Exactly! I'm genuinely surprised at the number of kids getting presents for no reason every few weeks! Even days out every month seems a lot (but lovely).

But it’s not up to you - or anyone here - to decide what it’s OK for a parent to buy their own children from a gift shop.

If it doesn’t work for your family, find ways to manage your own children’s expectations, whether that’s leaving earlier, not going, skipping the shop or whatever.

Ah ffs bit of a difference in what’s appropriate and what’s not. Be easier to type your stingy as hell.

Just out of curiosity, does he get to pick whatever he wants? Or do you say no if it's too expensive/will break before he's home/something he already has?

Yes, then wait until your child tells the other children that mummy says they are like Dudley Dursley and you won't see your friends for dust. Problem solved?

but again people do things differently, I have a late teen and a younger teen and it was fine with the occasional gift on days out. Non of it has gone to landfill. Why do you care so much what others do, people not doing what you did with child rearing doesn’t I’m afraid prove anything!

If it’s not age appropriate I’ll explain why. If it’s something he has I’ll say no you have that at home or will try and guide him towards something I think is suitable. No tantrums yet.

Again…I didn’t say it’s cruel not to buy them something. I said it would be cruel to set the expectation, which as a parent I have done, and then just randomly stop. Please read the posts before responding.

That’s why I started this thread! For advice! And a few people have given advice thankfully rather than unhelpfully throwing shade at me 😁 we are very different money wise, I see that it is a deal breaker and we can’t be friends anymore.

I was responding to bruffin, I don’t care if people buy stuff for their kids, I did and it hasn’t made them spoilt at all, in fact they are the opposite and buy second hand clothes on Vinted.

Your son must be feeling very left out and that it’s very unfair to him. Rightfully so.. you have 2 choices here in my opinion -

1. you let your DC choose a small gift also so he doesn’t feel left out on these occasions
2. you don’t do joint outings anymore

Sorry @Goldenbear i quoted the wrong post - my bad! I was meant to respond to @bruffin

It is cruel to start an expectation in the first place

But why should they amend their style to suit someone else who is choosing to do different?

Neither is Bad in my opinion - op wants to keep the Day Out as the Thing and not set a precedent, that's fine. The other family feel, for whatever reason, that they want to do extras like gift shop stuff, merchandise etc. Also fine if that's what they are comfortable with.

The op should feel comfortable enough her decision to stick with their way if that's what they want and manage her child accordingly - and shouldn't need to make the other family feel judged or like they should change their style.

FFS no one in either situation is letting their kid into any dangerous situations, they're not hurting themselves or others. Almost 15 pages of pearl clutching over "gift shop etiquette" - just do what you want and stop judging everyone else.

Why?

I hope you're being sarcastic here op because ending a friendship over different gift shop related preferences is, quite frankly, rather over the top.

Would you end friendships over parents who feed their child differently to you or do screens in a different way?

Why is different parenting styles (excluding ones that lead to kids that hit without consequences or similar, obviously) such a deal breaker??

To reiterate an earlier point of mine….wise up. I doubt my son will grow up saying oh my mummy was so awful for buying me a gift