Friend’s spoilt children

[Saplingthing]

Name change because it’s potentially outing.

We’ve had a nice weekend away with friends, lots of activities and sightseeing but I struggle with how much stuff they buy for their DC. We can’t do any activity without them buying a crazy amount of toys. We visit a petting farm, they get a toy, we visit a museum, they get a toy, we go to a concert, they spend £150 on merchandise. To me the days out are the treats but their DC get multiple new toys each day. I could afford to do it but I honestly don’t want my DC to expect a new toy every time we leave the house so it’s a constant drama at the end of every activity, their DC get new toys and mine doesn’t. It causes so many tantrums, I’m comfortable saying no to my DC (aged 6) but we still get screaming tantrums in public every time I say no and their DC come out with their newest purchase. We really enjoy spending time with them but how can I get around this?! Today I whisked DC away from a gift shop so he wouldn’t know what he’s missing but he cried his eyes out knowing they were getting another toy and he was getting nothing. It puts a huge dampener on every outing with them.

This

Why should she not do it, though, if she wants to?

I generally have an expectation that I will have a coffee when I go out for the day - I would not be very happy if someone said I couldn’t have one for an arbitrary test. Does that make me spoilt? (Obviously as I’m an adult there would be no tantrumming!)

This is a very good point too, thank you.

Oh dear, yes, I remember this. It's parenting with different values. I had a friend like this, who also purchased multiple hot chocolates/ice cream, if the kid didn't like lunch bought another one etc etc. On top of the toy (aka landfill) thing.

I just stopped the days out. On the old cost benefit analysis the costs were too much.

It bloody well isn't.

OP, I'm just gonna share something with you briefly, if I may.
I was born in a Communist country and my father was military, emotionally abusive due to bad MH.
There was no treatment then.
He however realised and sometimes cried about what "crap" he was.
He would also regularly take me places, where he would buy every 💩 I happened to point at.
(Probably to make himself better, he was no idiot).
I have a good idea about the value of money and didn't grow up into a "damaged" person.
These outings with father are among the best memories (mother was a bit sterner).
😊

I think you’re right and it’s a huge shame 😔

At the concert her DC did get one thing. But he was upset because the others got 4, and they were upset because they wanted the one thing he had too.

I don't think the parents' views on this are ever going to coincide, and it sounds like the DC will struggle to deal with an "all families have different rules" type stance. So it's difficult to think of a solution that will work for everyone.

What is your REAL issue with this friend OP? Because you sound extremely bitter and almost jealous.

You could apply that to anything. Do you give your children Christmas and birthday gifts? Would they be very annoyed and upset if they woke up to nothing on those mornings? Then they must be spoilt.

I guess you can try to prep your child ahead of time. Every family is different, some families spend a lot of money on toys every day. We don't do that. We buy toys at special times like Christmas and birthdays and we spend our money on other things like (...). So I need you to understand that just because James and Jasmine will probably be getting a toy at the end of the farm trip, we are not going to be buying anything today, ok?

We had similar growing up with cousins who got hundreds of pounds worth of gifts at birthdays and Christmas. It's a helpful lesson that different families do things differently, so when they're eight and their school friends are getting smart phones/ something else you don't want to buy them there is already some understanding that different families make different choices.

"Shall we start making a list for Father Christmas/ your birthday?" is also a good line.

Again, I’m not doing that. That’s cruel.

Don't be silly. What the OP is describing makes 'special' into 'everyday' and so they don't appreciate that having something bought for you is special.
So when a special occasion comes along, presumably the friend has to up the ante and spend a fortune and buy something spectacular.

YANBU, OP.

It sounds challenging to balance enjoying outings with friends while managing expectations for your child. You could try explaining to your child beforehand that the day out itself is the treat, not the toys. Also, consider having a conversation with your friends about how you handle toy purchases to see if you can find a middle ground. Perhaps planning activities that don’t end at gift shops might help minimize the drama.

Honestly I dont see how you can carry on spending as much time with them. Either you suck it up and get the same amount of gifts as they do - because you enjoy spending time with them. Or you discuss with the other family ahead of time how many gifts you will get getting the kids. Or you just dont go on as many outings.

In practice, you wont be able to explain to a 6 year old (esp. with possible ASD) that they arent getting presents when the other kids get 4. Thats not realistic. Not when they can see them being dangled right in front of them.

Personally do I think it's ridiculous to buy so many toys at the end of every outing - yes, because we go on outings every weekend - sometimes twice on a weekend. However, to me - it strikes me that it's families that dont tend to do as much who like to mark it. You just have different styles of doing family days out. Same as if one of you wanted to do only picnics and the other only cafes - it wouldnt work.

Only you know which option you would rather go with.

That's absolutely not true in my case. My 8yo is more than capable of understanding the idea of a souvenir (kids really aren't as stupid as you're making them out to be), and if I did say no she wouldn't kick off. She understands that she's extremely lucky to be getting a gift.

She also doesn't spend all day looking forward to the gift shop. She is present on the day out; and only mentions the shop towards the end.

I've parented her to get to this point. She's as good as gold, listens and never has tantrums. It's as simple as that.

If you say so😂, have you ever heard of, ‘inference’? It is not that the OP is explicitly stating this- your OP asking for ‘tips’ on how to handle this is akin to how do I control this to suit me and my principles, part of growing up in the ‘real world’ is understanding that you can only control the controllables; the OP’s friend’s use of her own money is not within the OP’s control. Maybe you don’t recognise this notion yourself as you think along the lines like many people these days that we all have to think the same, act the same and conform!

But this is always going to be the case. As we get older friends, colleagues, family members are always going to be able to afford to buy themselves things that we can't. We don't or shouldn't cut people out of lives because they have or receive more than us. You have no control over what your friend spends her money on or how she parents her children but you do have control over how you use this to teach your child about wealth disparity and different values. I also think that occasionally buying your child a small toy from the gift shop is not the end of the world.

You have already said that you like/love these kids and enjoy spending time with them so they can't be completely awful spoiled brats.

I'd just stop going out to places with them, I can't see there is any other solution if she's buying souvenirs/tat for them at every opportunity and you (quite reasonably) won't. Their house must be rammed full.

I agree with this especially when children are given everything it gives them nothing to look forward too and it even makes birthdays and Christmas boring because they have had it all and done it all.

‘It’s not spoiling’ would be true if you go on a day out every 6 months. It sounds like this happens all the time!

Same with my now teens. My 17 year old DS was a massive train fan as a very little boy and if we went to a Steam Railway museum or London transport museum his Grandparents or DH and I would probably buy a Brio train or Thomas wooden one if they sold them. It was more likely to be a trip that would happen every two months or so though so I don’t think massively spoilt. These trains have been used by younger members of extended family and my DH’s own Brio trains were kept from his childhood and added to my DS’s toy box so It wasn’t landfill.

I would take them both to Julia Donaldson plays and West end shows like the Snowman and DD had a small soft toy Snowman, she still has it. I’m not sure it’s such a big deal but we are not talking £150 every weekend so obviously a bit different and I would imagine very, very unusual in most families!

It's cruel to not spoil children and give in to them? 😂😂😂