Friend’s spoilt children

[Saplingthing]

Name change because it’s potentially outing.

We’ve had a nice weekend away with friends, lots of activities and sightseeing but I struggle with how much stuff they buy for their DC. We can’t do any activity without them buying a crazy amount of toys. We visit a petting farm, they get a toy, we visit a museum, they get a toy, we go to a concert, they spend £150 on merchandise. To me the days out are the treats but their DC get multiple new toys each day. I could afford to do it but I honestly don’t want my DC to expect a new toy every time we leave the house so it’s a constant drama at the end of every activity, their DC get new toys and mine doesn’t. It causes so many tantrums, I’m comfortable saying no to my DC (aged 6) but we still get screaming tantrums in public every time I say no and their DC come out with their newest purchase. We really enjoy spending time with them but how can I get around this?! Today I whisked DC away from a gift shop so he wouldn’t know what he’s missing but he cried his eyes out knowing they were getting another toy and he was getting nothing. It puts a huge dampener on every outing with them.

Just for another perspective - I'm not sure you need to abandon the friendship. I've had a similar issue with friends. My DC is also ASD / ADHD and especially at 6 used to find the end of an outing unbearably difficult especially the exit via gift shop when she was overwhelmed, overstimulated, struggling with the transition of leaving wherever we were, and surrounded by dopamine-triggering shiny new toys.

Seeing a friend get a toy when she didn't obviously didn't help but the problem wasn't necessarily just about the friends.

It is so easy to make your world smaller when you have an autistic child - stop seeing the friends that seem to trigger bad behaviour, stop eating out because DC won't eat anything that isn't beige, stop going on days out because the transitions are too much, stop going to any sort of performance because you might have to leave halfway through. IMO it's not good for the autistic child and it's not good for the parents either. (Obviously there are children with support needs so huge that it just isn't possible - but it doesn't sound like that is your DC.)

I would think about what adjustments you can make instead. Here are some things that worked for us

• a reminder before we go that we do not get the same things as "Annabel" because different families have different rules
• a visual timetable for the day, including "home time" - however verbal you child is this is likely to be reassuring
• not allowing friends to persuade us to change that plan!
• a 10 minute timer for just before home time
• asking staff if there is an exit NOT via gift shop
• leaving while everyone is still having fun and not waiting until DC look tired
• meeting people for a walk in the park rather than overwhelming big days out
• physically picking her up and leaving if a meltdown began in the gift shop, but treating it as a meltdown and reassuring / providing sensory items outside rather than treating it as being naughty
• "relaxed" performances
• developing the capacity to completely ignore horrified stares

Overwhelm from an exciting day out, plus transition at the end of the day, plus perceived injustice at the other child getting a toy is always going to cause a flash point but it does get better with time and practice, so don't avoid practising!

@LauraMipsum this is a great post and something we're getting to grips with - balancing D's not being upset/is not feeling judged Vs still wanting to try things!

Can I ask what you get out of going out with them?

I have a friend like this and her spoilt children tantrum if they don’t get a toy etc
It’s infuriating to watch but your child tantruming is just as much of an issue - I taught mine not to want things and just to enjoy experiences. My 8 year old DS now watches these types of kids in as much frustration as me!
Personally I would explain to your child that there are different rules in different homes and that’s life.
But I would also limit time with friends like that simply because it is unpleasant to be around.

Just popping back to say yes and fist punch the air to @LauraMipsum .
We did most of that and DD has now got through her first year at uni, leading an independent life, working at music festivals, just being awesome.
But there's been a lot of behind the scenes work. And a lot of tears and tantrums and overwhelmed. I promise you it is worth the effort, dont shrink your world, model good behaviour and keep parenting the small steps for the big long term gains.

What about letting your child choose a book from the gift shop rather than a toy, as some middle ground option? If money really isn’t a problem. And then you could donate to their school / charity shop when done reading it?

Although saying that, I wouldn’t want to get into the habit of having to buy something every time we had a family outing. Even walking the dog around the local National Trust place you have to pass through the gift shop. Can’t imagine having to buy something there for DC every weekend!

@Wtfmothernature
@Putting

because what if for some reason the parent cannot keep it up, can’t keep buying stuff? If she loses her job or whatever and can’t afford it? Or what about if her child goes out with friends and family and expects them to buy him stuff when out? The expectation that you get bought what you want every time you have a day out IS problematic.

Then you explain to the child there’s a change in circumstances. Jesus you can’t live your life by what ifs. If I can afford it in the here and now I’ll do it. If someone else can’t then that’s for them to handle, it’s nothing to do with me or my parenting or my child.

@Wtfmothernature

ok

Exactly. Children are generally pretty good at understanding when things need to change because of an actual reason, and also that different rules apply when they’re with different people.

If a parent wants to set up a routine / expectation that both the parent and child enjoy, I don’t see what’s wrong with that or why that makes a child “spoilt”.

My pleasure. Might be worth starting a thread on it, I‘ve got a few more tips and would love to get more from others!

Where did i say that was an issue, mine got something some visits, and sometimes nothing.
I have an issue with a poster who has got to the stage of believing it "cruel" not to buy their child something everytime because it is now an expectation.

Yeah because why would I set that expectation and randomly just stop it??? Of course he’d be confused and upset. He’s a f ing child.

These kids expect new toys every time they go out somewhere and throw tantrums when they don't. If that isn't spoilt I don't know what is.

Meanwhile, there are only two times of the year my kids get toys:

1. Birthdays
2. Christmas

That's it. No pocket money, no treats, no bribes for doing chores. If they want something, they can tell me and they can wait for their birthday/Christmas to get it. It is hard when the kids' friends get new toys and they ask me "why can't I have one too?" and having to explain to them "because that's what their family do. In our family, we wait for special occassions, and it makes them more special"

Why would you let your child get to that position of expectation in the first place?

I think it's not about right and wrong but rather if it doesn't work for you to go out with them then don't go. They're not going to change how they parent for you.

Because I like buying him a little token at the end of the day to remember the day!! My mum was here earlier and I asked her her opinion and she said ‘awk we used to love doing that for you all when you were young’. There’s no malice in it, no bad parenting, no raising spoilt brats or impolite entitled individuals. Is it so hard to grasp we work hard and want to spend our money on our children at the end of a trip without it being a money or power or climate power trip??

One of my children has a Christmas Eve birthday so that wouldn't work for us.

I guess all families do things differently.

We are a family who almost never buy gift shop treats, although we can easily afford it. I dislike the huge markup on merchandise though and don't like buying pointless souvenir toys (although I'm happy to splurge on carefully chosen toys they'll get a lot of use out of). Sometimes they'll like the look of something in a shop and I've ordered it online for half the price.

It's never been an issue for us, my dc are 6 and 3 and they know not to ask. No tantrums at all. We do our trips out as a family, never with another family, so they don't see anyone else they know getting treats either. We spend a lot of money on trips out and have tickets to concerts, plays and theme parks a few times a month, which compared to my childhood is quite indulged as it is (but I don't feel any regret about that).

Unfortunately some people on here have basically made such a massive moral mountain out of not being "the sort of parent" who raises "the sort of children" who god forbid have things more than twice a year (another one here with a Christmas birthday dc - we get vouchers/money to get them stuff through the year, I guess that makes them terribly spoilt 🙄) They now can't fathom different families doing different things and just judge everyone as inferior apparently.

My son's is on the 27th.

But even so, he knows the rules and doesn't ask for/expect anything any other time of the year.

Another suggestion - when we are on holiday we have a tradition of the kids picking out a postcard and a fridge magnet to remember the destination. They are so focussed on this important task that they will often overlook the other tat in the shops in the hunt for these items. Perhaps you could try something like that.

It's up to you if you only think your child should receive toys once a year.

Personally I prefer to buy my child occasional toys when he expresses an interest in something so he can develop it. A microscope and bug-hunting kit when he's into nature walks. A kite to fly on a beach holiday or some sand toys to build sandcastles. A kid's camera to take photos with. A comic of something he's into on TV at that moment in time. Football gear when he needs it. I can't predict his interests over the coming year every Christmas/birthday time so it seems silly to buy more than a few presents at that time (and overwhelming for him) and it makes more sense for us (and makes things more special for him) to spread presents throughout the year and give them when they'll actually be used.

But like I said, different things work for different families. I certainly wouldn't be rude enough to criticise your approach or say I thought it was wrong if it works for you and your kids.

Yeah I'm sorry but that's just a bit depressing to be honest.

I get not wanting to go totally ott but that's just the other end of extreme.

What? That’s grim ☹️