He wants our daughter every other day (50/50) custody

[Caw2024]

I'm 28 female, I have a 5 month old baby girl
Ex partner (babys father) is 29

Long story short we split about 2-3 months ago. Co parenting has been a night mare with him

We are starting to get in a little bit of a better place with it but no where near perfect.

He has made it clear and expects to have our baby every other day.. which I don't think is fair considering he was the one that decided he would be the one to carry on working while I stopped working to be full time mum

The reason I don't think this is fair is because on my days where he is not having baby, I spend my time doing all of our washing, clothes, Bedding, blankets, bibs etc, clean the house (babys toys everywhere) I'm also the one that does the nappy runs, the wet wipes run, milk run, im back and for the shops most days, all the health visitor or doctor appointments, I wash and Sterilise all her bottles.

Basically when he picks baby up on HIS days I hand her over with a bag full of nappys wipes clean clothes (that I've washed and dried) clean blankets, clean bottles etc. I feel like I'm just here to be a robot and do all the dirty work!

Personally I think he should have 2 days a week. I'm getting really annoyed now that my time with the baby is spent doing all the chores

Also I don't drive so rely alot on having the baby in the pram to carry all my shopping home

He's really irritating me and deep down I know he doesn't even want his daughter for time with her it's just to see me, be nosey about what's going on in my life, and probably make my life harder (I know this for a fact as he is still not over me yet)

Argh what do I do. Am I wrong to feel like this. Am I being the unreasonable one

What would u guys do or suggest

I thought he had to provide everything for his days. So all you need to do is hand the baby over.
It sounds really unsettling for the baby to be spending 24 hours with one parent then the other.

When you say he has her every other day, does he keep her overnight too or just take her out for the day and hand her back?

You also need to stop doing everything. He needs to buy his own clothes for her, bottles, formula, nappies and do her washing. Stop making it easy for him. And tell him he has to do this.

He needs to sort pen stuff for baby. Maybe send her with one bottle/milk for one feed and a nappy but the rest is up to him. Is he having her overnight?

I wouldn't provide him with anything at all for when he has your DD. He should have everything that he needs for her, and if he doesn't then he should be buying it. Does he have her every other night? That seems an unusual arrangement for such a young baby.

I think in your position, I would find a solicitor who specialises in family law and contact arrangements, and ask for some qualified legal advice about what is reasonable and equitable contact for a young baby.

Didn't you make a post on this exact topic the other day...

Anyway, you need to get an actual written agreement in place.
50/50 sounds great for the child but every other day sounds disruptive, moving every 3-4 days would work better.

I think you should focus on getting a proper agreement, with the support of a solicitor etc and stop bringing up minor points like wanting to use the pram to carry your shopping home which is utterly irrelevant.

The agreement can also cover things like who provides clothing etc.

I wouldnt agree to this, that's so unfair on your baby they need routine and you're bound to do things differently.

He should be providing nappies etc while he's taking care of her so I would definitely stop providing him with everything.

I think Friday /weekend is enough and that way you can take some time out for yourself.

Basically when he picks baby up on HIS days I hand her over with a bag full of nappys wipes clean clothes (that I've washed and dried) clean blankets, clean bottles etc. I feel like I'm just here to be a robot and do all the dirty work!

Why? Just don't do it. He is responsible for her on 'his days', which is why no maintenance payable for 50/50. If he isn't prepared to have her by having all of the necessary items, then he can't take her until he's sorted, can he?

Alternative days is nuts. It must be so unsettling for her. 50/50 is one thing but it's normally a few days with each, not swapping each day. She's tiny, she needs continuity, not to be bounced around.

You need to think about putting your foot down and getting something properly organised Op, this doesn't sound sustainable

Stop being agreeable. Just say no and make him take you to court. Also get ready to go back to work this man will never pay anything to support his child and you can’t afford to be a single non working parent.?

If you were going to agree to 50/50 then it would be a hard no on every other day which would be really tough on the child. Make sure that 50/50 is whole days. For example if tomorrow is his day, he should pay for nursery/childcare, pick up the child and drop off on Wednesday. Some people will expect to pick up from your house after work. CMS count overnights but picking up at 6pm and dropping off the next morning before work is against the spirit of 50/50 and “cheating”

50/50 means he has to provide clothes, nappies etc for his days. Plus he’s responsible for whole days so has to pay 50% of the childcare cost and do 50% of the pick ups and drop offs from childcare. He needs to provide things like milk, pushchairs and car seats for use during his time.

If you think he’s using it to control you then play him at his game and say that you’re very grateful for all the free time he’s enabling. The thought of you going out and having fun then possibly meeting a new guy will piss him off and may encourage him to move away from 50/50. 50/50 means he should be doing 50% of the childcare and dishing out 50% of the cost - even if you’re on maternity leave so technically could act as a feee nursery. Not applying boundaries now will make it more difficult once you go back to work because he’ll be used to the unfair balance and think that you’re just being awkward.

Every other day is really unsettling and upsetting for the child, who needs familiarity and consistency.

A 5 month old baby should be seeing thr NRP for 3-5 hours every day but sleeping in the same place every night.

When the child is older overnights are fine but every other weekend with one midweek night every week is a much more sensible pattern and provides stability and security for the child.

When it's his days/nights he provides everything. Don't hand over nappies/wipes/clean clothes - he buys them.

A court wouldnt agree to 50/50 for a baby this young and neither should you.

Provide nothing for the baby if he wants to be so hands on let him crack on with it.

Get in all in writing.

I'd offer 2 non consecutive days a week no nights. If he declined I'd let him see me in court.

Let him take you to court that is totally unreasonable for a baby

Lots going on.

50/50 split between two parents is fine especially as the child gets older.

Organisation sounds rubbish and can be improved.
Put the child first. Every other day isn't great, can this be changed.

Longer spells with each parent also means you both providing for the child. Each for their own days.

Consistency for the child is essential. Good practice now will make nursery/school life easier too as expectations are already consistently in place.

Stop providing stuff. Little and often is best for your lo though so every other day sounds ideal for now.

He has her a few hours in his days, he dies not do over nights.

Another thing he does is bring her back different times every day. It could be 5pm... it could be 8pm. He doesn't tell me, so I have to sit in the house waiting basically

Why should he have 50/50 and be able to still go to work and earn a nice wage while I have to stay at home and be on stand by my whole life. Also living off of universal credit (benefits) as I cant get a job because he would play games and not have baby on my days/nights of work.

He's playing one big game with me and wants it all his way

Well that's not 50/50 that's him picking and choosing what he does and giving her back when he's had enough. Yet another loser unleashed on a poor unsuspecting child.

I thought he had your DC 2-5 days a week for 5 hours a day?

If he wants 50:50 let him take you to court for it. I don't think it's reasonable or in the best interest of a 5 month old baby.

You need to stop doing everything for him. He needs to do the work and then he might not be as keen to throw out 50:50 threats. He can buy clothes and bottles and everything else. Then clean, wash, sterilise, organise things on his days.

You need set contact time / days so you can get back to work.

Id also make sure he has the child 1 weekend night. You deserve a Friday or Saturday night out.

The reason I don't think this is fair is because on my days where he is not having baby, I spend my time doing all of our washing, clothes, Bedding, blankets, bibs etc, clean the house (babys toys everywhere) I'm also the one that does the nappy runs, the wet wipes run, milk run, im back and for the shops most days, all the health visitor or doctor appointments, I wash and Sterilise all her bottles.
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Basically when he picks baby up on HIS days I hand her over with a bag full of nappys wipes clean clothes (that I've washed and dried) clean blankets, clean bottles etc. I feel like I'm just here to be a robot and do all the dirty work!

But the cleaning and laundry are for you and your baby ( I'm assuming he isn't living with you), so you would be doing that anyway.

Who does his cleaning and laundry? Or is he also doing the same.

And make him responsible for his daughters clothes, bottles etc. He needs to buy the equipment he needs and keep it at his.

You need to sort an actual agreement about his time with the child.

Which is what people said the other day. You may need to attend mediation.

Just because he wants the child every other day doesn’t mean you have to say yes.

and he should be providing all she needs on his days. But you are allowing this. He will keep taking yeh piss.

Then once you have a schedule that works for you, you can look at returning to work after your mat leave.

Well you don’t. Stop being a total walkover. You’ll get the same advice as your other post.

It’s not in the child’s best interest to have that amount of changes to routine …. I doubt any court would agree.

50/50 would be chunks of time split between the homes. And he would need to provide everything… not you.

Best thing you can do is see a solicitor for advice. This plan is not sustainable.

Ridiculous. He's utterly ridiculous

He needs to have the baby a stretch of days, then you.
You need to be working. Babies cost money. Why on Earth would you give up your financial independence for a man you aren’t married to and who is not reliable?