He wants our daughter every other day (50/50) custody

[Caw2024]

I'm 28 female, I have a 5 month old baby girl
Ex partner (babys father) is 29

Long story short we split about 2-3 months ago. Co parenting has been a night mare with him

We are starting to get in a little bit of a better place with it but no where near perfect.

He has made it clear and expects to have our baby every other day.. which I don't think is fair considering he was the one that decided he would be the one to carry on working while I stopped working to be full time mum

The reason I don't think this is fair is because on my days where he is not having baby, I spend my time doing all of our washing, clothes, Bedding, blankets, bibs etc, clean the house (babys toys everywhere) I'm also the one that does the nappy runs, the wet wipes run, milk run, im back and for the shops most days, all the health visitor or doctor appointments, I wash and Sterilise all her bottles.

Basically when he picks baby up on HIS days I hand her over with a bag full of nappys wipes clean clothes (that I've washed and dried) clean blankets, clean bottles etc. I feel like I'm just here to be a robot and do all the dirty work!

Personally I think he should have 2 days a week. I'm getting really annoyed now that my time with the baby is spent doing all the chores

Also I don't drive so rely alot on having the baby in the pram to carry all my shopping home

He's really irritating me and deep down I know he doesn't even want his daughter for time with her it's just to see me, be nosey about what's going on in my life, and probably make my life harder (I know this for a fact as he is still not over me yet)

Argh what do I do. Am I wrong to feel like this. Am I being the unreasonable one

What would u guys do or suggest

is he expecting everything because he pays maintenance?

Doesn't he work? How does he have her every other day if he’s working?

When you go back to work what will your hours be? It’s going to be impossible to sort childcare out if it’s every other day.
Sunday through Wednesday would be better but I’m no child psychologist but I doubt being away from her primary care giver for that amount of time is ideal.

It isn't 50 /50nif he doesn't have her overnight. Apply for cms. Keep a strict diary. And stop handing over things he needs to provide. Give him a clean baby and he can buy what she needs in his time. Def seek legal advice though.

Probably his mother! As he still lives with her.

Why am I expected to send her out the door with clean everything but she gets brought back to me with dirty washing.. which I then have to wash again! The favours aren't being returned

So detach and formalised the arrangements through mediation and court.

Before that agree drop off and pick up and stick to them. With my ex I had to train him ( but like a child - there are consequences if you don't follow rules), so if he was late to pick up - I gave a 15 minute grace - then I went out with my DC’s ‘because I had somewhere urgent to be’ and he missed his care or he had to meet us elsewhere ( inconveniencing him).

Some weeks he pays maintenence other weeks he doesn't, depends how he feels on that particular day

Sometimes he doesn't go into work all week as he can't be bothered so hasn't got any money to give me

And yes he is employed and I have baby while he's at work.. this is what I mean, wheres my job? Why can't I have a job and he stays at his home watching baby

Your not expected to. You have let that happen.

He needs to buy some clothes, or you need to give him some that were gifted to your baby. If your LO was staying longer, he wouldn't be using the clothes she is in everyday and would need to provide. ( and wash and buy more as she grows)

Because you are allowing him to do this.

Tell him if he wants 50/50, it’s Mon day morning to Wednesday morning and alternate weekends. Then hand her over on Monday morning, without a pile of nappies, bottles and clothes (he needs to provide those), and get on with your life. Put aCMS claim in for maintenance.

My ex did the same, so I mentioned it and he then got his DM to do all the washing. She refused to buy different washing powder and baby got horrendous skin problems requiring steroids. In the end, I just did it myself - and actually it was less stress. I tried to think of it as me doing it for my baby not for him.

I agree with others that every other day sounds disruptive. Can he not visit for a couple of hours two or three times a week instead? Is he actually looking after your baby or is his mother doing it all?

So get a job, use the time youre alone to apply. . Universal credits will pay 85% childcare.

It sounds really unsettling for the baby tbh, not a great arrangement at all. Plus just stop with prepping everything! If he has her half the time he should be doing half the work, could have bottles, nappies & clothes etc that stay at his place so he deals with washing them and buying more.

To be fair it’s unlikely you can both only work when the other has the baby.

You will also need childcare. But first formalise the arrangement

I don't understand why you are saying yes to everything? You've had good advice here. Fix days with him (every Monday & Tuesday or something) and every second weekend, and go back to work as soon as your maternity leave is finished. Don't wait til then to sort out reliable childcare - he is NOT your reliable childcare. And it doesn't sound like getting maintenance is going to be smooth either, but at least open a claim with CMS.

There is no earthly reason for your life to be on hold here, and you can't let him hold you hostage like this - but it doesn't even sound like he IS holding you hostage, you're just overthinking how "helpful" you need to be.

Have you worked out what you are entitled to as a single mother? Are you still on maternity pay and benefits are topping that up?

You need to get selfish.

You sound very mixed up in what you want for yourself and your daughter.

You don't want him to have 50/50 care but you want to go back to work and he have your daughter.

You are upset that he doesn't work, clean, launder when you do.

He pays you money ‘sometimes’.

What will be best for your daughter?
How will this fit with you both as parents? (and as grown adults).
Will your daughter go to nursery so that you can both work?
Have you contacted a solicitor to formalise arrangements?
Have you contacted the CSA about maintenance.

It is time to be adult (both of you) and agree parenting arrangements. Once these are formalised you can detach from each other and concentrate on your own life ( rather than nit-picking and comparing it to his).

Jesus! Butch up and bitch up. The baby is not a bike rental. Stop letting him take the baby for a few hours on a random schedule. Its absurd snd counter productive .

Act like a single parent, go to court fir child support such as it us, and treat him like a stranger..

You need an official agreement and then when he doesn't stick to it, you log every lateness or incident and then use it against him.

Or hopefully he stops mucking around and looks after his child without emotionally abusing you.

There is no reason you can't get a job and get off benefits.
If it's a proper 50/50 agreement you both have the same opportunities to work as each other.
Some people have lost their partner in tragic circumstances and still manage to work full time and raise their child well. You need to stop making excuses and get on with improving your life.

I’m guessing you’re going along with all this as you’re hoping for a bit of child maintenance as he works cash in hand? If you’re not nice to him, he doesn’t pay, and if you go after him in the official channels he’ll have to pay peanuts out of his benefits?

This why you need to go to court.

Because this is about control and him not what's best for your child. It's almost financially not fair on you.

There is not a court out there that would agree to this for a child, never mind a 5 month old baby. If you and he want 50/50 then sort out a proper schedule. If you don't want this then refuse and let him take you to court. Tell him he needs to provide everything your child needs while he has her. Stop letting him dictate to you.

If you do 50/50, you have as much chance to work as he does. On his days, if he says he is bringing her back early, just say no, you are at work etc.

He provides for her on his days

He doesnt tho!

And what kins of mother would I be to send my baby out the house with him knowing full well he hasn't got nappys or even money for nappys

Don’t send the baby! You don’t have to. Let him go to court if he wants more access. This arrangement isn’t in the best interests of your baby.

This sounds like a really immature arrangement, you need to stand up to him and stop being so accommodating.

Stop providing him with clean everything, hand over your dd and that's it, when he has her, he provides. End of. If he can't afford nappies then he shouldn't have her.

Get an arrangement in place which is sensible and then stop being on standby and get yourself a job.

Get legal advice, contact a solicitor.

Okay - first of all what you have described isn’t 50-50. He has her for a few hours every other day. So maybe 90-10?

you are doing a lot of complaining but not acting.

don’t hand him a happy bag full of clean clothes, bottles and nappies. Hand him a baby. He is I assume a competent adult. He can figure it out.

get a proper parenting agreement.

take action! Take control.