He wants our daughter every other day (50/50) custody

[Caw2024]

I'm 28 female, I have a 5 month old baby girl
Ex partner (babys father) is 29

Long story short we split about 2-3 months ago. Co parenting has been a night mare with him

We are starting to get in a little bit of a better place with it but no where near perfect.

He has made it clear and expects to have our baby every other day.. which I don't think is fair considering he was the one that decided he would be the one to carry on working while I stopped working to be full time mum

The reason I don't think this is fair is because on my days where he is not having baby, I spend my time doing all of our washing, clothes, Bedding, blankets, bibs etc, clean the house (babys toys everywhere) I'm also the one that does the nappy runs, the wet wipes run, milk run, im back and for the shops most days, all the health visitor or doctor appointments, I wash and Sterilise all her bottles.

Basically when he picks baby up on HIS days I hand her over with a bag full of nappys wipes clean clothes (that I've washed and dried) clean blankets, clean bottles etc. I feel like I'm just here to be a robot and do all the dirty work!

Personally I think he should have 2 days a week. I'm getting really annoyed now that my time with the baby is spent doing all the chores

Also I don't drive so rely alot on having the baby in the pram to carry all my shopping home

He's really irritating me and deep down I know he doesn't even want his daughter for time with her it's just to see me, be nosey about what's going on in my life, and probably make my life harder (I know this for a fact as he is still not over me yet)

Argh what do I do. Am I wrong to feel like this. Am I being the unreasonable one

What would u guys do or suggest

Were you like this on the other thread?

The kind of mother with MUG tattooed on her forehead.

Read everyone's comments on this thread.

Go to court.

OP this isn't sustainable and the only person benefitting is your ex. Your daughter needs a reliable routine. Lots of people have given you good advice here. My first piece of advice would be to stop giving him clean clothes, bottles, milk and nappies. Pass your DD over and expect a little bit more of a grown man. If he doesn't step up with a proper routine including nights and proper child support approach the CSa.

What kind of a sick world do we live in that a mother on maternity leave is deprived of her baby in this way?

OP, in your shoes I would not agree to this. Let him fight it if he wants to, but give him supervised contact only. A couple of hours after work midweek and a little longer on one day of the weekend. Babies need a constant primary carer. This has all the hallmarks of a controlling man using your baby as a weapon against you, with not care for what is best for the baby.

Stop handing her over. Your baby needs consistency and routine and for you to be the primary carer for the next few months - so stop this madness. Maybe agree a set day he has her, and then one other day where he can come to visit. But every other day is ridiculous and would be really unsettling for a child of any age, let alone a baby.

You don’t let her go! Either he equips himself to have her or he doesn’t have her. It’s not your responsibility to pay his way. If he can’t afford/ can’t be arsed to buy nappies then he shouldn’t have her. And having her for a few hours every other day is not 50/50.
My suspicion is he is saying this is 50/50 to ensure he doesn’t have to pay you any maintenance if you do try to claim for it.

This is exactly why you need to get the arrangement formalised through a solicitor, so that he has set hours which he has to keep to, and it is laid down that it is down to him to provide nappies, feed etc. If he won't keep to that, then you have the perfect excuse to get his access cut down to a minimum, maybe a couple of hours at the weekend.

Sounds to me like he'll get bored soon anyway, he's clearly not someone who is remotely likely to step up to acting responsibly and sensibly every other day as he claims.

EVERY single one of your issues has a simple solution. Get a solicitor and put a proper visitation plan in place.

Arrange child support through the correct channels so he doesn’t get to Decide if he feels like paying you one week and not the next.

if he doesn’t have the proper supplies for baby, he can’t take her- it really is that simple!

You keep asking why … and the answer is (1) because he’s doing it to control you and (2) because you’re letting him.

So stop now. Message him in advance of the next pickup that he needs to get everything in because you’re not providing it anymore. Tell him baby needs to be back at a set time - or the contact stops.

Basically, put your foot down and get tough.

I think you should go to court so that a proper arrangement can be formalised, one that takes your needs as well as his and your daughter's, into account.

This is a totally inappropriate arrangement for a 5 month old baby. So disruptive. The baby needs stability and routine, not being pushed from pillar to post.
I would put a stop to this every other day nonsense. It's ridiculous that he's keeping the baby out until whatever time he feels like returning her.
The baby should be with you, with him having some access, maybe once or twice a week. But when the baby is with him he needs to provide nappies, clean clothes etc. And he should be paying child maintenance.

I'd get legal advice OP and put a stop to this carry-on right now.

Nothing about this is in the baby's best interest at all. Go to Court if he wants.

Don't give him
Anything for daughter. Give him
A weeks notice he has to pack his own bag.

Ask him if you can give him a load of laundry that he can take and wash for her on your between days. He should do that to help you. He'll need to do that if he ever wants 50/50

Why would you encourage court op stands to lose a lot and gain nothing

He will have nappies. If he is working and living with his mother, of course he has money for nappies. If he doesn't have any, a couple of episodes of baby poo on the carpet/furniture, he will make sure he has them. You need to stop being so passive, you are allowing him to control you.

Can your 5 month old talk? Cause I've no idea how hes going to know whats going on in your life with a non verbal baby.

Yes...he should get her 50%. You both are equal in this part....but why don't you make it easier and tell him to buy everything the baby needs for his hoise so all your doing is passing the baby on to him. He should have his own nappies and clothes and cot and everything and each one of you will need to just buy your own for your own house.

Stop sending nappies and clean clothes, he can buy these to keep at his. Go through CMS to get proper maintenance.

Your reason of needing the pram for shopping and carrying things is ridiculous though, don’t use this as an argument.

Baby is only 5 months, are you not still on maternity leave? I'd return to work and pay for childcare

If he lives with his mother and she is your daughter's grandmother, do you think she will not ensure her granddaughter has nappies if you don't provide them?

If your daughter's grandmother gets fed up of looking after her and providing her with things you will soon know as he won't take her off you.

You're never going to be able to depend on this man. It's not right or fair but it's sadly the reality for you and many women. I know your baby is only little but you need to wrap your head around looking for a job and reliable (which will likely mean paid for) childcare.

Every other day 50/50 would be a nightmare for a baby, but what you're doing is a few hours a few times a week which is actually pretty perfect. He should be clear about timings though, and provide for the baby himself. Explain this to him and stop rescuing him.

Good luck

What schedule would you like?

Formalise CMS.
Text him.

"You should be providing everything the baby needs while she is with you, I won't be sending anything".

Not a chance would i agree to 5050 at 5 months old! Very unsettling for the baby.

Also you hand over the baby that is it. He gets his own pram and everything else she requires.

Hes a dick

Get a job. Put your baby into nursery or childminder. Give him set days; every other weekend or every weekend or whatever, plus maybe a night in the week. If he refuses then that’s fine, he doesn’t see her.

You are in control here. Not him. He can’t do anything other than take you to court and a court will never ever agree with his way of doing it. I promise you, they will not order you to continue this mad pattern.

Put everything in writing. Be fair, don’t say anything you don’t want read out in court. Make it clear that this has to work for everyone and you cannot do his way as you need a proper schedule which allows for work. Then you give him the schedule, and ask for reasonable input from him. When he comes back with nonsense, you simply say, “Your plan is untenable as I need to work and have to arrange full time childcare to cover that. I can’t have ad-hoc days of childcare as I’d need to pay for a full place. If you want to commit to certain days a week then that’s fine, but you cannot change them as I will be at work. Childcare on those days will be your responsibility. My proposal is every second weekend plus one set night and day each week. If we can’t agree then mediation is the next step.”

Then don’t engage with anything that isn’t a set schedule. Tell him clearly what the schedule is and have her available each time. Make yourself look reasonable while he looks difficult and selfish.

And call CMS. They close at 8pm I think so call them now and open up a child maintenance claim.

If he doesn't have a car seat, a cot/crib, pram, diapers, formula, bottles and clothes; then he doesn't get to take the baby.
He needs to show he has the basics before he can take the baby anywhere.

YOU can say "No" if he doesn't have those things and can show you.

What everyone else said. Give him nothing and let him take it to court. I am bemused though about the amount of mess one 5 month can make that you need all day to clean the house etc when she's not there.