He wants our daughter every other day (50/50) custody

[Caw2024]

I'm 28 female, I have a 5 month old baby girl
Ex partner (babys father) is 29

Long story short we split about 2-3 months ago. Co parenting has been a night mare with him

We are starting to get in a little bit of a better place with it but no where near perfect.

He has made it clear and expects to have our baby every other day.. which I don't think is fair considering he was the one that decided he would be the one to carry on working while I stopped working to be full time mum

The reason I don't think this is fair is because on my days where he is not having baby, I spend my time doing all of our washing, clothes, Bedding, blankets, bibs etc, clean the house (babys toys everywhere) I'm also the one that does the nappy runs, the wet wipes run, milk run, im back and for the shops most days, all the health visitor or doctor appointments, I wash and Sterilise all her bottles.

Basically when he picks baby up on HIS days I hand her over with a bag full of nappys wipes clean clothes (that I've washed and dried) clean blankets, clean bottles etc. I feel like I'm just here to be a robot and do all the dirty work!

Personally I think he should have 2 days a week. I'm getting really annoyed now that my time with the baby is spent doing all the chores

Also I don't drive so rely alot on having the baby in the pram to carry all my shopping home

He's really irritating me and deep down I know he doesn't even want his daughter for time with her it's just to see me, be nosey about what's going on in my life, and probably make my life harder (I know this for a fact as he is still not over me yet)

Argh what do I do. Am I wrong to feel like this. Am I being the unreasonable one

What would u guys do or suggest

Am I missing what’s stopping you getting a job? There’s such a thing as childminders, nurseries etc. He’s not preventing you working, and you’re just rolling over to his every request. You don’t need to hand your baby over every other day, that’s frankly batshit.

He sounds like a real catch…lives with his mum, doesn’t go into work regularly, can’t afford nappies, doesn’t regularly pay child maintenance, has somehow convinced you that you need to provide everything during his contact time. Was he this attractive when you were dating him?

You both need to grow up

Imo it’s too young for 50:50 for your baby. I don’t think you should be allowing that and certainly not every other day which is really disruptive for such a young child. I would seek legal advice as to what the law would consider reasonable in your situation. I would not be allowing him to dictate what happens.

Why are you handing her over with all the stuff.
You are your own worst enemy here you can’t complain about doing what you are doing.

Just stop!
His day. He buys everything and cleans her stuff. He can buy her clothes too for his days !

I thought you were going to worry about her being unsettled due to different routines etc, that’s what I’d be more worried about.

Arrange for 50/50 split within chunks. So he does days and nights for x days. Then you do the same.

For fairness he should never get all the no work days which means you can get a job and have a life and an income.

So tell him to bring her back clean!
This isn’t all about everything being his choice.

This thread is really annoying me. It's a total WOT. You have been told what to do - FFS go and see a solicitor, and stop just doing whatever the father wants and then moaning about it.

Yes agree that it is time to see a solicitor. For the sake of your child for starters.

Agree.
If he hasn’t got food,milk, nappies and a change of clothes for her he’s not a safe person to be with.
He has to provide.
Just tell him.

Well it's not 50:50 at all because he doesn't have her overnight. In the eyes of CMS that men's you have her full time and he owes full maintenance. Never mind what sort of mother you'd be - what sort of father would be be not to provide nappies. He'd HAVE to do it. You are just enabling him. You book her in to nursery while you work, not rely on him. You need to just organise your own life not wait around l. Tell him you will be home at this time so he can't drop her before if he won't give you a drop off time in advance

I'd snap him up on the 50 50 offer. He doesn't need to pay maintenance and you can work which will be better than benefits.

50 50 means he has clothes and supplies for his dd. You don't supply them. You could maybe share car seat and pram whilst she has a car seat you can take in and out the car. Eventually you will both need a car seat.

It doesn't matter if he said he'd work to provide for you both whilst you were together, the situation has changed.

You need a regular schedule that fits in with work. He needs to stick to it. If he won't, go to court.

Suggest 3 days a week each and you both do a job that has work on Saturday. Then she does every other week with one of you on a Sunday.

Having a baby is more chores. You have endless washing, then there's food prep and if you have standards the house still needs cleaning, that's life. Its nothing to do with your ex that you have chores to do. In time you will get better at fitting in chores around your dd.

I get that you are frustrated and pissed off and trying to do the best for your baby in the face of never ending aggravation. But this is not what is best for her and only you can do anything to change it.

He has made it clear and expects to have our baby every other day He can make his expectations as clear as he likes. Why do you think that you’re obligated to go along with them? This isn’t about him and what he wants. It’s about what the best thing is for your DD. And this isn’t it. You sound like it hasn’t occurred to you to simply say ‘no’.

Basically when he picks baby up on HIS days I hand her over with a bag full of nappys wipes clean clothes (that I've washed and dried) clean blankets, clean bottles etc. I feel like I'm just here to be a robot and do all the dirty work! So stop bloody doing it. He gets his own nappies and his own bottles and his own clothes. If he wants to be a 50/50 parent, he needs to understand that there is more to it than sitting her in front of Cocomelon for five hours and occasionally changing and feeding her.

And what kins of mother would I be to send my baby out the house with him knowing full well he hasn't got nappys or even money for nappys A terrible mother. So you tell him he has a week’s notice to purchase his own supplies (so he has time to go and earn the money) as you will no longer be providing them. And if he turns up at the end of the week and can’t show you (and he does have to physically show you) a fully stocked nappy bag including clothes and bottles, as well as confirmation of sterilising stuff and baby milk), then he doesn’t get to take her. It is your responsibility to ensure that she is safe and looked after. If he doesn’t have everything he needs to look after her properly, no judge in the land is going to order you to provide those things for him.

Also I don't drive so rely alot on having the baby in the pram to carry all my shopping home Completely irrelevant and if you say this to him, or to a Judge, you are going to make it sound like you want more time with her simply because it is more convenient. It might well be easier to do things if you have her pushchair, but unless you are a complete twit, you will not say this out loud. To anyone.

He's really irritating me and deep down I know he doesn't even want his daughter for time with her it's just to see me, be nosey about what's going on in my life, and probably make my life harder (I know this for a fact as he is still not over me yet). Quite possibly. So force him to be a parent. Let him buy his own stuff. Let him take you to court and get a contact order. Let him understand the consequences for failing to bring her back on time. Go to the CSA for financial support so he’s making a financial contribution. Let him prove that he’s in it for your DD’s sake and, if he’s not, you won’t see him for dust.

Why can't I have a job and he stays at his home watching baby Because you had a baby with a complete dickhead. Now you don’t deserve to be punished for that, but it does mean that you have to live with the consequences of that. Which in your case, means standing up to him and saying ‘no’ when something is not in your DD’s best interests.

100% this. And get your ducks in a row to go back to work as well. It was madness thinking you could rely on a tosser like this!

You are the primary carer and it would be better for your baby if they were with you full time, and that contact with the father is in your presence - even if that is tough for you. The more time a baby spends with the primary carer the better in the early years - helps with attachment and feeling secure and confident and keeping anxiety down, helps with brain growth etc. I would prefer to spend time with my baby and my ex at the same time for the odd day, rather than send my baby off to be with an ex for hours at a time. It would depend on the ex, though. In your case, I would prefer to meet ex with the baby and have my freedom infringed rather than the ex take her, for sure. Why did you split from him, and what is he like generally?

Formalise the contract arrangements, legally if you have to, and buy a shopping trolley.

Well basically stop doing all of this and get the courts involved. Stop letting him determine the terms of contact and deciding whether to pay maintenance or not. You need everything properly formalised because this isn't working and every other day is not for the baby's benefit.

Not a chance in hell would I let him have the baby every other day or even for one overnight per week (obviously not talking about toddler age and beyond). She is tiny and needs to be with her mum - her primary carer - in a consistent and familiar routine - it is unbelievably cruel. I would let him take you to court. No judge in their right mind would sanction this arrangement.

He sounds completely irresponsible.

let him.. but also don't hand baby over with any thing apart from the clothes they are in.

you'll soon learn how to spend your time.. he will soon get fed up with it... pick your battles, play the long game

According to psychologists, moving every 3 or 4 days for a 5mth old would be disastrous for future mental health and would have a very negative effect on development. Some psychologists do not recommend overnight stays away from primary carer until 5 years at the very earliest.

What’s Mumsnet’s policy on gambling on threads? I’m wondering whether it might be worth having a bet that @oppressedcastrate is either a feckless parent whose former partner has refused to take crap from, or a mother of a crap father who refuses to see that her baby boy isn’t perfect.

@Caw2024 You are at home doing the full time parenting this isn’t 50/50

Pick the days you decide she can go keep it the same very week and he picks her up and drops her when you say. If he can’t stick to times and days then she doesn’t go.
Apply to child maintenance then have a regular payment .
Don’t send anything with daughter except one blanket and one bottle .
Tell him once you know he has bought all he needs then daughter can go with him.
Stop enabling your ex .
When you put your foot down he can only try to mess you around.

Take this son of a bitch to court.

Establish proper 50/50. This would include overnight care. Would that even be granted for a baby of 5 months, because of the upset to routine, etc?

Or get an alternative proper and appropriate visitation schedule.

Whatever is arranged would have specific pick up and drop off times that would be court ordered. Also ordered would be events like Christmas, your birthday, Father's Day, Mother's Day, special family occasions (weddings, reunions, cousin birthday parties, etc).

Basically when he picks baby up on HIS days I hand her over with a bag full of nappys wipes clean clothes (that I've washed and dried) clean blankets, clean bottles etc. I feel like I'm just here to be a robot and do all the dirty work!

In the meantime, stop doing that. Hand over baby and nothing else.

Also since he is not actually doing 50/50 at the moment, you need to apply for child support.

Take back control of the situation. He can see her on your terms or not at all. If he's not happy with this he can apply to the courts for a reasonable access agreement (I doubt they'd agree to going along with the current set up). It may not be your ideal scenario re work n that but at least you can begin to plan for how and when you can work without having to rely on someone completely unreliable. Lots of single parents figure it out (it's not necessarily easy but it's doable).