He wants our daughter every other day (50/50) custody

[Caw2024]

I'm 28 female, I have a 5 month old baby girl
Ex partner (babys father) is 29

Long story short we split about 2-3 months ago. Co parenting has been a night mare with him

We are starting to get in a little bit of a better place with it but no where near perfect.

He has made it clear and expects to have our baby every other day.. which I don't think is fair considering he was the one that decided he would be the one to carry on working while I stopped working to be full time mum

The reason I don't think this is fair is because on my days where he is not having baby, I spend my time doing all of our washing, clothes, Bedding, blankets, bibs etc, clean the house (babys toys everywhere) I'm also the one that does the nappy runs, the wet wipes run, milk run, im back and for the shops most days, all the health visitor or doctor appointments, I wash and Sterilise all her bottles.

Basically when he picks baby up on HIS days I hand her over with a bag full of nappys wipes clean clothes (that I've washed and dried) clean blankets, clean bottles etc. I feel like I'm just here to be a robot and do all the dirty work!

Personally I think he should have 2 days a week. I'm getting really annoyed now that my time with the baby is spent doing all the chores

Also I don't drive so rely alot on having the baby in the pram to carry all my shopping home

He's really irritating me and deep down I know he doesn't even want his daughter for time with her it's just to see me, be nosey about what's going on in my life, and probably make my life harder (I know this for a fact as he is still not over me yet)

Argh what do I do. Am I wrong to feel like this. Am I being the unreasonable one

What would u guys do or suggest

You are being taken for a mug OP.

Say no. Keep the baby with you. Refuse contact. Let him apply for a Child arrangements order. It will cost him £215. Go to the HMCTS website and look at the steps he has to take.

First of all he has to do mediation with you. No mediator would consider this arrangement fair. Which is the legal basis for a mediated agreement.

They will TELL him what is fair . That you BOTH have the opportunity to work and care for your child. If he agrees and then the agreement is legally binding. If he doesn't then it goes to court and the judge decides what is 'fair' ... I can tell you NO JUDGE IN MY CONSIDERABLE FAMILY COURT EXPERIENCE would consider your current arrangement appropriate.

1. It's not for you to find work that fits around child care and HIS work.
2. It is fair that he finds work that fits around both your work , his work and his requirements for 50/50 care.

Time to grow a pair OP. This arrangement is helping no one but him. Certainly not you and definitely not your child.

Stop contact now and tell him to get the court ball rolling ...it's all on him.

Btw if it's 50/50 ... all nappies, clothes, etc are also 50 percent his responsibilities.. not yours !

But you don't have to stay at home - you've chosen to do so.
What you DO need to do is speak to a solicitor and put a plan in place - I would suggest with such a young baby that he has her 3 hours on a Saturday or Sunday then 2 hours for 1 evening a week. The times to be fixed - say 10 - 1pm on the weekend and 5 - 7pm in the week.
Any time he doesn’t return her at the designated time he sees you in court. Keep a detailed record of all conversations - only communicate by text if possible.
At handover, literally just hand her over - no bag, no nappies, bottles, spare clothes. You are in charge, not him!

If you believe that he is unable or unwilling to provide basics for his own child during his contact hours, then you don't let him take the baby. Let him go through the process of organising mediation/court to formalise arrangements if he doesn't like it.

If you told him that the next time he picks her up, he needs to have ready everything she needs (formula, nappies, clothes, etc) what would he say?

He is working, you are not. He lives with his mum. So why would he have less money for nappies than you do?

You are acting like he is a helpless child and you are his mum who has to run around after him. He is an adult, with a job, and can figure this stuff out if he wants to be a dad. If he doesn’t, and just wants to hang around you getting under your feet, the sooner you find this out the better and stop sending her.

You clearly haven't a clue what you're doing OP. And that's fine. But stop complaining and start listening to all the sound advice people are giving you. This is not fair on your daughter.

This is NOT 50/50!
taking the baby out during the day and handing back overnight means you are still doing 50% of his 24 hour days anyway!

im sorry you are in this position luckily child support can be applied retrospectively when you get a solicitor and sort this out properly. He needs to pay his way unless/until you get the same opportunity to work as he does.
although when you sort it out and they get the 50% they think they want and realise that means they can’t work a full time office hours job I wonder if they will change their mind!

get it organised asap use this frustration to get advice on setting out a proper written agreement : ) then things will get better.

She won't wilt away because he has to get off his arse and take her to Tesco to buy some nappies. If he's living with his Mum, she can work it out, and she'll lose patience with his crap pretty fast if he's handing all the admin over to her. And you know what? If he has to put his hand in his pocket to buy something for his child, then he might be more motivated to go to work once in a while.

You're not his Mum here, and you're making this WAY too easy for him.

Also stop getting into the habit of calling it 50/50 custody because it is NOT, and he'll use that to try to wriggle out of paying you maintenance.

Also how would you feel if he sat in the living room with your DD while you sat in the other room. He can have a two hour window every week. If he’s reliant and pays maintenance then you extend his visitations.

There’s not a hope I’d be letting some useless man child who can’t bother to provide nappies decide when and where he took my DD. If he was more than a minute late I’d be calling the police.

You guys need to put the baby FIRST.

Would you have liked sleeping in a different bed every 24h as a kid? That’s super disruptive.

Yes it’s inconvenient for you but you need to just put your foot down and say no to protect the baby. When it comes to courts and custody, they look at what is in the best interest of the child, and travelling/ moving every day doesn’t seem to be.

There are 168 hours in a week. Your daughter needs care for every single one of those hours. So 50/50 is 84 hours. It sounds like he has daughter for 15, so he needs to provide full , 50/50 care so you can work or pay for child maintenance.

You sound like a nice person but you need to put the needs of your daughter above everything else:

1. She needs to have parents who can provide for her. You both need to provide money and care on a regular and consistent basis. If your ex can't do this, you need to go to court to enforce it. Because that's what your daughter needs to flourish.

2. Your daughter needs regular and consistent care so this chopping and changing will likely cause emotional issues for her.

3. In order to provide for her in terms of care and monetary , you need to step back from providing everything for your ex: he needs to do the caring and finance his days. What he does on his days is not something you need to enable or finance. He needs to buy his own buggy. His own clothes, His own nappies.

This 1 milion times. Baby's welfare and well-being comes first. Change every day is so so unsettling and totally wrong for the child.

You should have never agreed to this in the first place.

Why did you agree to it?!

You need to take control of your life back here OP.

If he is taking HIS child for the day then he needs to be arriving to pick her up with everything he needs. The only exception to this I would say is if you bought these things jointly, in which case it’s not fair that he needs to buy them again, but nappies/wipes/milk he should be arriving with. Be firm on that.

If you want a job, get a job. There is no reason you can’t work and get off benefits if you want to, lots and lots of single mothers do exactly that. One of my best friends was left while pregnant and she now has a nearly 5 month old baby and a job because she doesn’t have a partner to support her and similar to you she doesn’t want to sit around waiting. Another one of our friends also did this and now has a 2 year old.

You need a court order of you can’t fend for yourself.

Stop giving him nappies - I’m sure he has money for beer.
Stop sending any clothes - he needs to buy a supply for his house.

Lives with his mother? She can lend him the money.

No judge will make you do what’s he’s doing.

You’ll get free advice whilst on maternity leave.

You need to get custody dealt with professionally by the courts & have it all stipulated on days/times, what’s expected etc. you can’t say you’re being a stay at home mum on benefits because you can’t rely on him, you need to get it sorted properly. What happens when in a few years your UC stops & you’re expected to work? You can’t be a stay at home mum for life & UC won’t allow the excuse of I can’t work because my ex is unreliable, you’ll get sanctioned & your money will stop.

Get an official custody agreement in place asap otherwise you’ll spend the next few years resenting him so much & putting your life (& career & earnings) on hold. I know too many mums in your shoes who did the same, relied on UC then ended up stuck in a minimum wage job in their 40s because they didn’t work for years so had no relevant experience. They regret being benefits for so long as whilst it worked for them to start with they’ve realised that all they did was actually punish themselves whilst their ex’s careers & earning continued to rise & they are struggling to make ends meet now their kids are too old to get any UC support for

why Are you complaining about doing washing/tidying etc on the days you have your daughter, don’t you do all that the hours you don’t have her every other day?
what “dirty washing” does she come back with after a few hours with her father? Surely it’s just the clothes she’s been wearing/puked on?
don’t send her with nappies/bottles. He is as capable as you are of having those at home.
don’t expect to use him as childcare, he sounds pathetic, look at getting a childminder/nursery, he will need to work round her schedule.
set a time for baby to returned and if he doesn’t stick to that, he doesn’t get to take her out and can just see her at your house, simple as that.

Why are you letting him behave like this, take the advice and see him in court. How is this the best life for a child.

As many have said, this isn't 50/50, and you need a legal agreement in place. Good luck!

not sure why you are being so adversarial in your responses OP@Caw2024 . the posters have only been trying to help you.
you have choice... either carry on the way you are and be a pushover.

or... apply for CM and ask him to go through courts for contact. at 5 months, baby should be with him maybe 2 days a week max, but if he isn't keeping baby overnight, he should be paying full CM anyway.

Then tell him no.

Right you need to stop this either he does some form of 50/50 where you get to work so includes overnights and washing etc or he does EOW or he stops and you need to get some legal advice and clearly set out his options and choices

Put a claim in via CMS.

Tell him to fuck off and take you to family court for access.

Put in place whatever childcare you need to be able to work.

100% this

Multiple people have advised you to simply refuse. Say no because it is not in baby’s best interests and he can get legal advice.

He can do what every other parent does and pick up some nappies at the supermarket. 50:50 with a man like this can’t work because he’s taking financial advantage of you.
Your Dd is only 5 months old - tell him to take you to court. They wouldn’t impose a ridiculous every other day schedule on even an older child because it’s a cruel to do it that way. Assuming that you both work Monday - Friday, a 2-3-2 pattern is the most likely 50/50 pattern and that’s for an older child.
You have more control than you think.

Do you claim Universal Credit ? If you’re on a low income then they pay up to 75% (?) of your childcare bill so that you can work.