He wants our daughter every other day (50/50) custody

[Caw2024]

I'm 28 female, I have a 5 month old baby girl
Ex partner (babys father) is 29

Long story short we split about 2-3 months ago. Co parenting has been a night mare with him

We are starting to get in a little bit of a better place with it but no where near perfect.

He has made it clear and expects to have our baby every other day.. which I don't think is fair considering he was the one that decided he would be the one to carry on working while I stopped working to be full time mum

The reason I don't think this is fair is because on my days where he is not having baby, I spend my time doing all of our washing, clothes, Bedding, blankets, bibs etc, clean the house (babys toys everywhere) I'm also the one that does the nappy runs, the wet wipes run, milk run, im back and for the shops most days, all the health visitor or doctor appointments, I wash and Sterilise all her bottles.

Basically when he picks baby up on HIS days I hand her over with a bag full of nappys wipes clean clothes (that I've washed and dried) clean blankets, clean bottles etc. I feel like I'm just here to be a robot and do all the dirty work!

Personally I think he should have 2 days a week. I'm getting really annoyed now that my time with the baby is spent doing all the chores

Also I don't drive so rely alot on having the baby in the pram to carry all my shopping home

He's really irritating me and deep down I know he doesn't even want his daughter for time with her it's just to see me, be nosey about what's going on in my life, and probably make my life harder (I know this for a fact as he is still not over me yet)

Argh what do I do. Am I wrong to feel like this. Am I being the unreasonable one

What would u guys do or suggest

You shouldn't be doing 50/50 at this age, not for another few years. Baby shouldn't really be away from you for any length of time, he should only be having her for a few hours a time but regularly. No court would approve the schedule he wants for a child this age 💐

How can he have the baby other other day whilst working? What is it that you want? You say that you want to go out to work whilst he has the baby, yet says that he doesn't have clean nappies, wash bottles etc. Do you really want your baby to be looked after by someone like that? It is annoying if he returns the baby at different times, but you do have the freedom to go out whilst he has the baby for 3/4 days a week presumably? I appreciate that it's annoying that he's not got his own set of bottles etc, but this is something that he needs to sort out. Re washing your babies clothes, again it would be nice if he pulled his weight, but the reality is that if you were still living together and he was out working, you would be the one doing all the washing and cleaning too. If he didn't take the baby for the day, then you would be washing all of your babies clothes anyway. Babies are very hard work. However, both of you appear to have it somewhat easy. He lives at home. You get 3 days off a week. To be honest the whole situation seems rather ill thought out and messy. Children really need consistency and security. Instead you split up when the baby was a few weeks old and now there is a lot of tooing and froing. Meanwhile you have a guy who still lives with him Mum, sometimes pays for his baby, often doesn't go to work and can't afford nappies and you stuck on benefits. I don't know why having a baby together ever seemed like a good idea.

Every other day is too confusing for your child and no good for you either.

If he wants her 50/50 I'd suggest one week on one week off, that way you can work part time and also have uninterrupted time with your child. Or if he's not happy with that, maybe every other weekend, Friday to Sunday and one night on the week.

Secondly, he is responsible for providing for her, hand her over in her clothes and that's it. Baby seats, blankets, food, nappies etc etc he supplies them. Even if he's paying you cm he provides everything during his time.

He’s not having 50:50 though, I’m not sure why the OP wrote that. She goes on to say he has the baby for a couple of hours a day, every other day. No overnights.

Also, as an aside, you don't have 50/50 custody if he's not having him overnight. More like 75/25 custody.

Blimey I hope this is a wind up then.

@Caw2024 smoking weed around a baby could kill them.

Why should he only get two days a week with his own baby? Mum and dad are entitled to want the baby 50/50 each.

Having said that it doesn’t sound like the best set up for the baby if you each have alternate days. Half the week each would be better for baby, or maybe 3 with dad and 4 with you and then vice versa. As she gets older it’ll get easier.

Stop being a door mat. Lay down the rules. He has her, he provides the stuff for her.

Your other threads make for grim reading.

Are you still living in the homeless shelter? Whatever you do, do not let him move into your home when you get one. As he is paid cash in hand by his employer, you won't be able to rely on him for money even if you try to claim CM officially. You need to put boundaries in place. Start saying no when he demands for you to be available.

Is he on the baby's birth certificate? If so, you might need to look into getting a Prohibited Steps Order to prevent him from withholding the baby from you like he threatens to do. If he's not on the birth certificate, then you can just stop letting him take the baby until he either agrees to a mutually acceptable arrangement or he takes you to court where a judge will decide what is in the best interests of the child. In the latter case, your ex will be expected to stick to a set schedule and provide for his child when in his care.

No, apparently it’s fine because he bundled her off to his mum & sister while he did it, and he’s promised he won’t do it again 🙄

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5085253-how-do-a-co-parent-with-a-narcissist?reply=135645055

Provide nothing.
Go to court.
EOW and a weeknight.

The poor baby/child won't know whether they're coming or going with an every other night schedule. I've seen it, it's awful for little ones.

God, why do some people bring children into such a messy situation? Why would anyone ever want to have a baby with such a feckless man, particularly when they aren't able to provide a secure home environment themselves. Both parties seem entirely irresponsible and immature here. Call me old fashioned, but whatever happened to working all hours, saving what you can and ensuring a stable relationship and home well ahead of deciding to have a baby. If one partner has money to spend on drugs, they clearly could have set aside some money for the baby.

I wasn't so much telling op to definitely take him to court, more telling her to stop being pushed into a daft agreement that isn't working for her, and if that means having to stand up in court to face him she shouldn't feel intimidated as his current demands are completely unreasonable.

OP clearly has a problem standing up to her ex. Using court and the CMS to stand up for the child (and OP) is necessary to protect her from her ex’s abuse. He is clearly taking advantage of her inability to say no.

CMS is going to be a pain because he’s paid cash in hand but it’s better than wondering if he will pay.

OP- Btw he doesn’t have 50/50 if he sees her for a couple of hours every other day. Your ex has money for weed and presumably has food, heating, showers etc so can buy nappies.

‘I recently had to get police invovled as I ended the relationship and he kept stalking me standing outside where I live and sending abusive threatening nasty messages.

He got locked up, went to court and his bail conditions are to stay away from me and to not contact me (he still contacts me but have stayed away from me)

I've stopped his contact with our baby as I don't feel comfortable her being in his care he's aggressive and a cannabis smoker.. also does other drugs

Now he wants to take me to court, he is on her birth certificate unfortunately.

A little background on him, he has a criminal record (been locked up about 20 times) for things like assault, drugs, and the most recent was stalking me.

He also doesn't have his own home and sleeps on his mother's sofa so I don't know where my daughter would sleep if she stayed over.

Umm… OP, I think you’ve got bigger issues than providing a few nappies/having to do all the laundry.

Why on earth did you go on a second date with this man let alone let him have unsupervised contact.

Is he able to have her every other afternoon because he’s a drug dealer?!

This is an absolute mess. Poor baby. I really hope you see the light and do a 180.

There isn’t a man alive that would be having my infant child every other day, and most certainly not under this regime 😔.

He hasn’t an iota of empathy for the poor child, so he’d have to take me court to enforce it.

That's shocking, absolutely shocking. That poor little girl.

Go through cms for maintenance and go to court for a more reasonable schedule.

He won't change things so either you do or you carry on suffering this ridiculous situation.

Go see a solicitor. You should be able to get legal aid.

Of course the situation that you're in is not fair. Your father's daughter is taking advantage of you. You need a formal legal agreement to sort this out.

Every other day is a ridiculous arrangement - and it's not really every other day when he's only taking the baby for a few hours per day.

It is not fair...but you can only make this fair by seeing a solicitor. You'll get a half-hour consultation for free with most, and during that they'll establish that you're entitled to legal aid. They'll take it from there.

If you're nervous about seeing a solicitor, then go to a Citizens' Advice Bureau or Rights Office first, but you won't get this sorted without a solicitor.

The fact that you're not working and he is might be to your advantage: unless you have thousands stashed away in the bank, you'll be entitled to free representation by a solicitor whereas he might have to pay.

You are being ridiculously passive. Get cms set up - he's not doing 50% if he's not having overnight. Stop sending her her with food and clothes.

I thought he was coming and going as he feels like it and having her at your house? They should stop for a start. Get a formal arrangement in place. Contact a family solicitor for advice.

You text him and tell him that he can see his daughter on x day for x number of hours each week.

If he chooses not to see her then that's on him, you made her available for him to see. If he doesn't turn up, give him half an hour then go out. That way he can't start to mess you around. Same with drop off.

You also tell him that from x date you will no longer be sending her with x y and z and that he is responsible for proving all the items his daughter needs

You then contact the CMS and claim for child maintenance via them.

This way you know where you stand, you get a routine for you and your dd and you can budge finances etc.

Time to put your big girls pants on and take back control. Otherwise he'll have you chasing your tail for years to come.

He won’t go to court. Im just encouraging her to stand pat snd recognize that the relationship is adversarial and she can’t gain the upper hand by rushing to comply with his irrational demands.

It’s only for a few hours. As a good mother you really need to stand up for yourself and baby. ‘You’ve had enough time to adjust to parenting, you’ll need to provide bottles nappies and spare clothes from next week, and we are going to change contact. Every other day is disruptive and not in kno wing when you’ll return her makes my life hard.
so you can see her on x days, I may be out so you need to keep to the return time and if you can step up and provide for her we can look at having her for longer times. But if you can’t provide a nappy or feed her off your own bat then that’s not an option.’

So tell him when your maternity leave is over you’re going back to work. You don’t have to stay at home.b Tell him you’re returning and then have a proper 50/50 arrangent put in place. In the meantime just refuse every other day. How on earth is he working with this arrangement in place?

Am editing this because I hadn't read all OP's posts. You are absolutely right given his behaviour you should go down the court route. He's an unreliable idiot.