Can someone explain why this is bad parenting?

[Mushroomwithaview]

Dd is 12. She went out to meet friends. They all caught the bus to another friend's house and then went to the shops from there. We had plans later so I said she must be home by 3.30.

This is relatively new for her to be socialising independently like this, and the first time she's ever been out and been told to be home by a certain time.

At 3.27 I got a text, "Sorry Mum, on my way, running a few minutes late". I replied, "thank you for letting me know! See you soon."

She arrived home at 3.35 - I watched her scurrying up the hill to our house.

Not the most scintillating tale, but for some reason it has come up twice with friends who have both reacted with surprise that dd wasn't in trouble for being late. Apparently if I say a time then she MUST be home by that time and she needs to learn. I don't really agree - but historically I sometimes completely misunderstand important parenting stuff. Would anyone like to weigh in?

In fact, I remember as a teen that friends would be grounded for being even a minute late. A curfew is a curfew and cannot be flexible. Why? Am asking out of interest rather than challenging it.

Your daughter was polite, respectful, and communicated well. You are raising a lovely young woman.

I agree with you for what it's worth! My mum had a pretty flexible view of time which I inherited (whether by nature or nurture). It impacted my skills and success growing up.

5 mins late here, 10 mins late there, and it's never the late person's fault... We can NEVER control public transport and other factors, so we just have to learn to buffer for it

Of course I wouldn't punish my child either though. And if my child was by some genetic miracle otherwise (outside of curfews/reaching home) the super punctual early bird sort, I wouldn't bother.

I really don't understand how your friends have their knickers in a twist, do they want teenagers who don't appreciate and respect them. 5 minutes late is a completey non issue. It's her first time navigating a curfew without a trusted adult present! I'll be chuffed with a text update and a few minutes late.. My god some adults I know are alot worse, obviously just build on this. But your friends are too much, please take any parenting advice from them with a pinch of salt.

It's more about the intentions than the exact time for me. She updated you before the curfew so was keeping your rules in mind and hadn't disregarded them - and clearly tried to be on time. She wasn't taking the p. I wouldn't punish her for that. If there is a consistent trend of the curfew getting pushed later and later then yes, but so far she has done pretty well imo!

If the buses are running less often and can be late, aiming for an exact time is impractical. Would it make sense to agree the return as "catch the bus as 10:30" than "be home before 11"?

She was 5 only minutes late, she kept you informed sound good to me. As she is new to being out and about on her own it's hard sometimes to judge how long things take. If after a few weeks she's consistently late have a word with her. Mums font mind 5 minutes but employers interviewers etc do.

She text you - no punishment required.
your friends are weird

Jeez. Way for your friends to lose their kids' trust. Your DD sounds great and she obviously feels comfortable enough to keep you updated and safe in the knowledge that you won't go nuclear. It's all about trust and it sounds like you are both doing brilliantly.

I think your approach was perfect and your friends are very odd.

If I knew I was going to be punished for being a few minutes late after trying to get home at the agreed time, I’d think “why bother?” And stay out at least an hour after as a teenager.
Your response was fine.

Think you could be focusing on the wrong thing, maybe it’s more about whether you’re happy to accept your friends telling you what to do in this way.

Why? OP said they had something else on later that day so presumably needed to leave by a certain time.

We were strict parents, would not have made a fuss about a one off 5 minutes. If it became a regular thing then you start to take action.

Are your critical friends Parking Wardens that make a living from slapping £80 fines on people for minor infringements?
FFS what happened to understanding on a nipper out and about for the first time.

That's fine especially if there are buses involved - they are often late or get stuck in traffic or simply don't turn up etc. It's not always that predictable and I've often been a bit late because of buses even having set out early.

She did well - it was 5 minutes and she prewarned you - hardly crime of the century.

Agree!!! And she knew to message you so you wouldn't worry, she sounds like a good responsible kid. I'd argue it's good parenting if anything, you're nurturing a healthy trusting relationship between the two of you.

I would say 30 mins late or more is the line I would draw. Before that I would make comment but not do anything. I do understand that you have to draw a line somewhere but 5 mins could be the fault of a late bus or her friends walking slow. 5 mins I would still make comment to try and be back within the time, the aim should not be to max the time but to come back within it.

I can't believe that's even a real thing, everyone can be late what if the bus was delayed ect are you going to punish a child for that? She was responsible and let you know, plus it was 5 minutes!
My eldest is nearly 14 she keeps in touch when she is out and if we need to be somewhere which required a set time to be home I make sure I tell her the time we have to leave the house by so she is home before therefore she takes responsibility to be home before that time, rather then panicking about a curfew and threating over a minute or two late.

I feel you parented well and your child showed responsibility.
If a child is punished for being five minutes late when they have let you know about it next time they are likely to be an hour or more late as may as well make the crime fit the punishment. Also if another time other children dawdle but one is afraid of being late that child can be the one putting themself in danger by moving away from the safety in numbers.

I think the key is communication. She let you know, it didn't impact your plans, all good. The problems only start when they don't bother letting you know they're late, and keep stretching the boundaries because it doesn't seem to bother you.

You DD sounds respectful and trustworthy, so you know how to handle the situation. In fact it wasn't even a "situation".

Dd was fine. You were fine. SUCCESS all round!

Pick your fights! IMO your daughter had the manners to let you know and she was a couple of minutes late. You will have lots of issues in the next few years and you might find you need to put your foot down at some point. If you stamp on every tiny little misdemeanour then you will end up with a stroppy rebellious teenager. Mine were great. I was lucky maybe but, I always told them if I ever catch you in a lie then you won’t go anywhere or do anything for a very long time. She was rushing to get home. Sometimes things are outside of yours and their control. I don’t think a few minutes is worth a grounding.

She literally text you before the curfew apologising and arrived a few minutes later. I wouldn’t have an issue with this. She was probably having too much fun. She was adult about it, as were you.

Excellent point from @JillMW about safety.

Encourage your DD to keep in touch if her situation changes, if there's any issue about catching a bus, or leaving with the group.

Don't punish her for deviation from plans she told you about. It really is far safer for teens to stick together as a group, and if that makes them late home, consider that that outcome is far preferable to not coming home at all. Keeping in touch is key.

I always told my DCs as they started spreading their wings and getting out and about on their own, that if they needed to leave a party, a shopping trip, bowling, whatever, to send me a discreet text and I would pick them up with no questions asked, and any of their friends who wanted to leave too. I also told them not to leave friends who were tipsy, etc.

Mine didn't have a curfew as they grew older (15+). If they were going out, I asked them about their plans for getting home, and made sure they had money for a taxi if needed. They always knew I was ready and willing to pick them up, any time, any place. If their plans for getting home were vague, I had them come up with plans before they left, including a lift from me.

Well said!

So true.