Can someone explain why this is bad parenting?

[Mushroomwithaview]

Dd is 12. She went out to meet friends. They all caught the bus to another friend's house and then went to the shops from there. We had plans later so I said she must be home by 3.30.

This is relatively new for her to be socialising independently like this, and the first time she's ever been out and been told to be home by a certain time.

At 3.27 I got a text, "Sorry Mum, on my way, running a few minutes late". I replied, "thank you for letting me know! See you soon."

She arrived home at 3.35 - I watched her scurrying up the hill to our house.

Not the most scintillating tale, but for some reason it has come up twice with friends who have both reacted with surprise that dd wasn't in trouble for being late. Apparently if I say a time then she MUST be home by that time and she needs to learn. I don't really agree - but historically I sometimes completely misunderstand important parenting stuff. Would anyone like to weigh in?

In fact, I remember as a teen that friends would be grounded for being even a minute late. A curfew is a curfew and cannot be flexible. Why? Am asking out of interest rather than challenging it.

At the time of the received text I would have replied, like I do with my kids, ‘good communication. Thank you so much for updating me. See you soon’.

When she got home I’d also be congratulating her for being so grown up and reminding her how that communication fosters trust which means she’ll be able to go out more and more and enjoy more freedom.

Sounds like she’s doing really well
and trying hard. Keep rewarding positive behaviour.

If you want to create a sullen, resentful, rebellious teen who doesn’t trust you not to overreact to every single thing they do, then go ahead… punish her for being five minutes late. She rang you. She told you the truth. She didn’t feel the need to make up a story to try and prevent an overreaction or explosion. She trusted that you’d understand that she tried her best and made a little mistake with the transport. Big deal… she’s safe. Five minutes is nothing.

It’s fine, your daughter respects you, if she didn’t she wouldn’t let you know. By not overreacting she will know she can depend on you in any situation. My parents were like this with me, as long as I kept them informed it wasn’t a big deal if I was late, it also meant they knew I would turn to them if I ever was in trouble. I had friends that had either very strict parents or very lax parents, both of those rebelled to the max. I never did, I think it was mainly because of the trust placed in me to make sensible decisions and keep them informed.

Your friends are the reason teenagers take risks because they HAVE to be home at a certain time.

You are being sensible, allowing your daughter to socialise and creating a good relationship as she gets older.

I think your DD did pretty well given this was the first time she'd ever done something like this. She let you know and it was only 5 minutes. No big deal.
My kids are pretty good, no curfews now, but they always text if they're going to be home later than they said. Being too rigid (like your friends) is likely to cause problems further down the line.

OP parented differently to how they would have done, thus challenging their parenting style. That is what this "advice" was all about, insecurity.

She was dependant on the bus timetable and on it running on time. Five minutes is neither here nor there. Kicking up a stick when she was clearly making an effort would just sour a healthy mother-daughter relationship. You did the right thing.

Your friends are nuts.

She did respect your authority and was polite enough to text you when she thought she would be 5 minutes late (most adults wouldn't even do that as 5 minutes is such a small amount of time).

No way would I make any kind of fuss or comment over 5 minutes.

A few mins late with communication would be fine. Buses are so unreliable here that it’s likely to be them at fault rather than my child!

I grew up with fairly relaxed parents and never got in trouble for things like that. My friends parents were really strict and she really rebelled against their rules when she was about 14/15.

Your friends are being weird! Pick your battles! I think we have to be reasonable & it's important to treat them with the respect you'd like them to show you & others. I think texting to let you know is the key part here - your dd was doing her best & very respectful. Sounds like you've got a mature well reared daughter there, well done!

I think your parenting style is right.

To give you and example my DD hangs out with 2 other girls. I’m close to their mums. Myself and one of the parents (let’s say friend 1) have a similar approach to you. If my DD is late, I’d rather she messages me. She can also call me to pick her up if she’s worried. I tend to ask her about how it’s all gone. She’s 12 too and so far she’s been good.

The other parent sounds like your friends. Refuses to let her DD out (friend 2). She even picks her up from school and drops her off which she absolutely hates (my DD walks with hers to school and has said her mum regularly walks up to the school gates with them - it’s a 20 min walk).

Guess what, her DD has started lying to her (they’ve had a few incidents and my DD and friend 1 tend to have the same story, friend 2 tends to be off). Friend 2 is also hanging out with the local trouble makers (who ironically attacked her a few weeks back - the first time she went out - apparently she decided to start running when she saw them = not Street smart). Not forgetting it’s not teaching her how to behave when out.

I would be more upset if my DD didn’t message and left me worried compared to being 5 mins late.

Nothing wrong there!

A few minutes is neither here nor there. And you saw her rushing so it wasn't like she was taking the mickey.

You sound like a reasonable parent.

I’d be looking at bus timetables and planning curfews around the times of the busses. With tracking, as long as they get that last bus which gets them in roughly on time, no problem.

Local curfews more rigid but with a few minutes leeway, as long as they don’t take the piss.

I think 3.30 was a bizarre time to tell her to be home by. Especially if she doesn't normally socialise. And on top of that if she was in trouble for being late i'd say that was bad parenting. Ignore your friends. They are clueless.

It depends if it's a few minutes or a P take, this sounds like it was genuine and wouldnt bother me at all apart from the 5 mins of worry, but u had contact she did the right thing sometimes its physically impossible to be on time if relying on buses. If it keeps happened and for longer times then it is grounds for punishment but 5-10 mins here and there with contact is no reason for punishment so I think you are doing just fine dont listen to anyone else x

Go with your instincts, parent as you want to parent, others have opinions, these are not facts. Your daughter was respectful enough to text you when she knew she would be late and it was only 5 mins, the bus could have been late, that would have been out of your daughters control. By acting as you did, you are building the bonds of trust and they will reap rewards. As long as she understands that lateness would not be acceptable for important appts such as Dr's, dentist, job interviews etc, I can't see a problem with you giving her some grace for 5 mins lateness.

5 mins is fine, particularly as she demonstrated respect by letting you know and apologising that she had not got back as agreed. She was using public transport, perfectly expected for timings to drag.

We have a 5 minute grace period if they haven't contacted before bit no problem at all if they text or call saying going to be 10 minutes late or whatever ..communication is key x

Flexible parenting is the best approach even when children are young. Effective human relationships are built on communication, and her proactive behaviour was great. It shows there is respect between you.
To the authoritarians. keep quiet, please.

It seems like a non issue unless there was a pressing reason you needed her back at that time - a doctor's appointment for example. She kept you informed and tried her best to get home quickly once she realised she was running behind. I don't mind if my DC run late, but I do mind if they don't let me know what's going on.

This.

If she'd sauntered in 5 mins late that's one thing but the text / communication / apology for me are good signs.

OP sounds like you are doing a great job and raising a nice kid. 12 is a good age to start to have a bit more independence too.

My DD did the same - she would let me know if the bus was late . I never punished her for this - it's life we all run late/ miss busses etc so was never an issue as l9ng as she let me know.

Why ?
Sometimes being late is out of a person's control ,bus,s,traffic etc
If my son is late i phone him out of concern not to punish him He always tells around about time he will be home I dont expect it to be dead on .

Because I think it's important to begin to teach children the importance of sticking to what you say and that it's respectful to be on time. It's an important life skill.

I've said pretty explicitly several times that I wouldn't punish her!

I would just point out that she was late and to try not to be late next time.