Can someone explain why this is bad parenting?

[Mushroomwithaview]

Dd is 12. She went out to meet friends. They all caught the bus to another friend's house and then went to the shops from there. We had plans later so I said she must be home by 3.30.

This is relatively new for her to be socialising independently like this, and the first time she's ever been out and been told to be home by a certain time.

At 3.27 I got a text, "Sorry Mum, on my way, running a few minutes late". I replied, "thank you for letting me know! See you soon."

She arrived home at 3.35 - I watched her scurrying up the hill to our house.

Not the most scintillating tale, but for some reason it has come up twice with friends who have both reacted with surprise that dd wasn't in trouble for being late. Apparently if I say a time then she MUST be home by that time and she needs to learn. I don't really agree - but historically I sometimes completely misunderstand important parenting stuff. Would anyone like to weigh in?

In fact, I remember as a teen that friends would be grounded for being even a minute late. A curfew is a curfew and cannot be flexible. Why? Am asking out of interest rather than challenging it.

She let you know - to me that makes it fine.

My mum but 'hard' curfews on me - it backfired - I used to sit in a park in the rain just to prove a point.

If you have good communication with your child - that is the main thing.

Your friends obviously don’t use public transport!

It sounds like this was largely a learning exercise. She has learned to get home independently and only 5 mins late, plus she learn that texting you a warning was received well. She now knows that she can be honest and to value good communication.
You could punish her, but long term she will probably learn to try and hide stuff from you.

I’m pretty strict with some things but all I see is good parenting here. She’s been mature and respectful by letting you know what was happening and you showed respect back by thanking her and realising that time can get away with us often by no fault of our own such as delayed buses.

It was 5 minutes. Your friends are being extremely OTT about it!

I’d be cross/worried if we were talking an hour late with no communication but that’s not the case

Home by 3.30 isn’t the same as curfew at 11pm. So unless you all had another plan dependent on her being home on time that she was keeping you waiting for, it’s fine. She let you know, which was great.

Depends on why you're giving them a curfew – for safety or to teach time management?

I'm quite a flexible person but just because of my personal history with time (and depending on my child's personality/how much intervention they need), I'd probably be stricter. I grew up with a mum that was always 5-15 mins late to places and was also like that myself. It's always "just" a few minutes but that had bad consequences on my personal and professional life.

The funny thing is, after living with my dad (who is basically military about time down to the minute) for a while as an adult, I got cured of this lifelong issue.

I watch train spotting videos, one I watched was a freight train with over 100 shipping containers on the back of it! Wish I could find it on my YouTube history, although it was a while ago I saw it (end of 2019.) I just remember counting them and being amazed.

At least we don't live in the USA, some of theirs go on for miles! They also have double decker wagons. 😁

(Sorry, I'm a train nerd. 😅)

You sound like an excellent parent with a healthy relationship with your child.
She did exactly the right thing - she was running late for whatever reason (missed bus, traffic, whatever), and sent a text and got there asap. Exactly as an adult would do! What if you were late to work because of a traffic issue - immediately sacked? To meet a friend - immediately unfriended? No, you send a message to say I am on my way and you get there when you can. This is a non issue.

This

I think that went pretty smoothly for her first time. Although you had plans you respected that she would like to spend time with friends, she respected you by communicating that she was running late albeit by only a few minutes. It's difficult to judge the timings of getting somewhere by public transport, and more so when you're 12 and haven't done it before. I'd praise her for sticking to the arranged time and for communicating effectively and let her know that as long as that continues, your trust will grow and she will be allowed more freedom.

Yes 3.30 should mean 3.30 at the latest. Punctuality is important right through life, it's a valuable skill. However she's only 12 and just learning, just guide her how to do better in future

Your friends are idiots, trust in your own parenting ability.

Friends are weird not you. She messaged you and was rushing to get there. The most I might do is have a chat about maybe allowing more time but certainly not a punishment! Trust your judgement and keep communicating.

OP, you dealt with it well. Ignore your friends.

My son is due in at 17.30 each night after school which gives him time to play with his friends for a while. He is 13.
Sometimes he forgets and I whatsapp him and ask him where he is and hes always on his way back. Sometimes he whatsapps me and lets me know he will be late but time can run away with kids and I would rather he was out and felt he could talk to me. I remember being a teen and thinking 'well I'm going to get in trouble for being five mins late so I might as well stay out'

We also never ground him, we just let him know that dinner is at 17.30, we would like him here and to let us know if something comes up.

We have a remarkably peaceful relationship with our son and he trusts us to talk to us about the most intimate aspects of his life which I think is very rare. He frequently talks about the nature of his friends relationships with his parents and I find it sad, they all seem to be setting themselves up to be arguing with their teens and I don't get it, they are teenagers and should be out having fun.

As long as they are not missing activities etc, I see no problem with it.

I had a strict curfew for mine, my only stipulation was if they knew they were going to be late, they let me know so I wouldn't worry.
Your daughter did exactly that. She was responsible and considerate.
Ignore your friends.

If you start clamping down and punishing her, you risk her rebelling and doing the exact opposite. Keep doing what you're doing, it sounds like you've got a great relationship

I was grounded a day or a week for every minute late i was home as a child, instead of my parents ever wanting to know if there was a genuine reason, they'd just come down hard on me, and if I tried to explain it was then that the punishment would become a week for every minute.
They had form for that kind of thing. It made our relationship very strained, I didn't feel supported and nothing came above their need to be completely respected. I just had to tow the line.

I definitely think your way is better, and I think that you will have less problems in the long term with your daughter because the way you communicate with her is showing you trust her, and you think she will do all she can to be good at timekeeping, and that you value her efforts to try and meet your requirements, and she can tell you if she has a problem... short term picture, it's a few minutes, long term you are building a strong foundation for your DD to gain more independence.

Well done OP, to you and DD

She kept in contact, utter non issue. I have 4 children - oldest now 30. It was all about knowing where they were, and them not lying to me even if they were somewhere I didn't really want them to be so I could find them if needed (never was needed). Good for dd and you.

Your friends are being silly.

Your DD contacted you to let you know what was going on.

You are both building trust here - keep it up.

I think this is fine and good she was in touch and you saw she was being intentional to get home as close as possible to time.

They are also missing the point of parenting teens.

It's not about throwing your weight around for the heck of it, playing silly sergeant major games, and making your children feel they can't win.

That is fear based parenting. Sooner or later, the teens will smell the fear, and the jig will be up.

She's learning, it's new to her, she communicated and it was just a few minutes. I think you handled it perfectly.

I remember my parents having an absolute fit one night when I was two minutes late. I was relying on someone else for transport and was threatened with all sorts of consequences for being two minutes late. 9.32 rather than 9.30. THAT is bad parenting.

I feel you have done a great job with your DD. She let you know she would be a few minutes late. As long as she knows that a few minutes will not translate well into being hours late as she gets older (even if she "lets you know"), I think being a bit flexible keeps the lines of communication and trust open.

My parents had strict curfews...

Just made me a much better liar.

This!