Can someone explain why this is bad parenting?

[Mushroomwithaview]

Dd is 12. She went out to meet friends. They all caught the bus to another friend's house and then went to the shops from there. We had plans later so I said she must be home by 3.30.

This is relatively new for her to be socialising independently like this, and the first time she's ever been out and been told to be home by a certain time.

At 3.27 I got a text, "Sorry Mum, on my way, running a few minutes late". I replied, "thank you for letting me know! See you soon."

She arrived home at 3.35 - I watched her scurrying up the hill to our house.

Not the most scintillating tale, but for some reason it has come up twice with friends who have both reacted with surprise that dd wasn't in trouble for being late. Apparently if I say a time then she MUST be home by that time and she needs to learn. I don't really agree - but historically I sometimes completely misunderstand important parenting stuff. Would anyone like to weigh in?

In fact, I remember as a teen that friends would be grounded for being even a minute late. A curfew is a curfew and cannot be flexible. Why? Am asking out of interest rather than challenging it.

Not bad parenting. She was only five minutes lates, called you before the time she was due back and is young and probably still learning about public transport, delays, journey times etc.

I would give some leeway so I would say be back by 3:30pm if I needed to leave at 4pm.

I agree 👍🏻

Your daughter notified you she was running late. You could see her rushing to get home, so she respects the time home she was given. Ahd was only 5 minutes late.

She's a get a hug from me when she got home. And a "well done."

I agree too.

You're her parent, others should be butting out.

I always gave my daughter 10 minutes leeway, you don't know if a bus was running late or something. Any later she would let me know what was happening and as long as it was reasonable everything was OK. My parents were a bit stricter and I was in real trouble if I was 15 minutes late but then it was hard to find a public phone that was near and that actually worked 45 years ago.

Yes I would too.

Haven't RTFT.
But mum mum had your approach purely because my grandparents were the type to insist on the alternative. They'd ask for a call from a phone box if late so they knew she was ok, and still gave her a grounding. So her approach became to call routinely five minutes before curfew, hang up before being told off and then stay out however long she liked as she'd be in trouble anyhow.

The important point here is that your DD notified you she was running a bit late. Well done her and great parenting by you. Nothing weird here 👌

I think when public transport/distance is involved you need to give a bit more leeway.

as a teen my friends would be grounded if a minute late but then we hung around their estate/area where I didn’t have a curfew as such as I was getting the bus.y
mum was never bothered.

my son has a curfew now (16 so goes out late), but so long as he keeps us informed of bus or taxi location then he doesn’t get in trouble. He learned the hard way by being late and not answering his phone. He has been great since though.

Seriously? 5 minutes late and she texted to tell you. Responsible and wellbehaved daughter you got. Be proud of her and dont listen to psycho-rigid people around you. Would they punish a friend arriving 5 minutes late and who texted beforehand? No, I dont think so. This is more about "showing who's the boss" parenting than intelligent parenting. Please dont listen to them.

My kids used to struggle at what time they should leave to be on time, so we made the deal they (would) leave at a certain time. For us, that works perfectly.

Your friends are being weird about this.

I think with the advent of mobiles and being able to keep in touch makes a huge difference. If I was late when a child, there was only one phone box in the village and I'd have to reverse charges to call home.. probably cause spent all money on sweets.
My mum called the police once when I was late, but I didnt want to walk alone so stayed with friends. They all understood but the worry was real. Basically it was terrifying not knowing and not to be able to keep in touch like now. Times have changed so rules should also x

She contacted you and was only a few minutes late. If she was doing it all of the time and was returning home a lot later than you’d said then that would be different.

Agreed 👍🏻

I think arbitrary to the minute deadlines are bad parenting. What you want is open communication and updates about real life.

a child shouldn’t be in trouble because a bus was late. A child who is consistently well behaved shouldn’t even be in trouble because they lost track of time by a few minutes, missed the first bus and caught the second one. The key is that they update you and let you know what is going on. That way You don’t need to worry and you know they are taking returning home seriously.

id much rather have a child who fills me in than a child who feels the need to hide things in order to stay on compliance with arbitrary rules.

There are limits if there is no good reason for being late. Your daughter acted like an adult and you showed respect for her doing so. Show me an adult that has never been late, and I will show you a fish and chip supper.....or something like that.

Nothing wrong there. Sounds like you have a good relationship with your daughter. Maybe a conversation to be had about managing time better, thinking about leaving in time to be home before the stated time. But other than that I would feel quite positive if that was my daughter and that had happened. I think over reacting just sets a precedent that you aren’t approachable or understanding. Doesn’t make for a trusting relationship with your daughter going forward. Parent the way you want, not how other people do. Stop worrying about that and focus on what feels right for your family. X

I think your Daughter was being very responsible to phone and let you know she was on her way home. Your Daughter clearly respects you. She was a few mins late home, not hours! Punishment would be cruel, unnecessary and counterproductive. You also have to make allowances for things like buses not running on time. Your Daughter showed maturity by texting.

Oh bless her, and you! Carry on this good communication and trust building - you set rules and she kept you informed…only 5 minutes 👍

As a child of a parent that watched the teletext tick by seconds and whose comment was ‘you’d be back 5 minutes before the curfew if you knew what was good for you’ - the stress I experienced was awful.
when my parents split aged 17, my mum was much more open and said ‘just let me know where you are and come in quietly’ she allowed me freedom and I didn’t abuse it. I lied to my dad who was extremely strict.

i know which parent I’m going to be - I don’t think 5 mins is taking the Mickey.

It's fine. They are being ridiculous. Relax and trust yourself

As long as she is letting you know she's running late a d you know where she is what's the issue take no notice of others. Their kids will be making up stories of why they're elate to avoid getting into trouble.
As a child we were taught to come home if we were hungry when it was dinnertime if we weren't there we got fed wherever we were. We were also told to head back as soon as we saw the street lights coming on. Many nights we still lingered after dark but as long as my parents had an idea where we were and we weren't missing anything vital or staying out till midnight they were fine.

She texted and was 5mins late. I'd be fine with this.

To punish her for being 5 minutes late would be sadistic. Treat her with respect and you'll have mutual trust between you. You both sound lovely.