Is this normal for nursery? Asked to pick up early

[Cheeriosandoreos]

My DS is one years old and goes to nursery 2 days a week. He had a 2 week settling in period and has been doing full days for the past month.

He hates nursery, and has been teething for the past few weeks (think it’s molars coming in). He cries when we drop him off, but I think he calms down and plays for a bit during the day. He then gets upset again mid afternoon and starts crying a lot. And he can really cry, he is like that at home.

The problem is nursery keep asking us to come and collect him early when he gets upset in the afternoon. We usually get a message around 4ish. At the beginning they did not outright ask us to come and get him, but heavily suggested we should by letting us know how upset he was. We have then been going to collect him early. I think nursery may have got too used to this. However this is only possible because my husband is between contracts at the moment, when he starts his next contract neither of us will be able to do this.

My question is: is it normal / reasonable for nursery to keep expecting us it collect him early when he is crying but otherwise well (no fever etc)?

I fully expect for him to be sent home when he is unwell in line with their sickness policy. But I wasn’t expecting him to be sent home for crying too much. Nursery are worried that it will make him dislike them, but I think he just needs to get used to it.

he is our first, so we don’t have experience of how to handle this. It kills me that he’s unhappy, but I don’t think he will settle there unless he really has to, and importantly we need to work.

would I be reasonable in telling nursery to not send him home if he is crying?

My son is exactly the same - I could have written this! Got a call at 4 yesterday to collect.

I don't know what the answer is. I work from home and flexibly so it's not the end of the world to get him at 4.30.

DH cannot do it, and in my previous career it would have been a big issue for me to continually leaving early to collect him.

But fundamentally your son is your responsibility and if they feel that they can't care for home then it does fall to you as parents. If you refuse, I expect there is a risk that they might give you notice.

I hope that it will get easier with time!

I think if he's been crying for this long then maybe look at another setting?
Either another nursery or a childminder?
He doesn't seem happy at all.
My 2YO Cries when he goes over but is fine when he's there . But he only does 2 afternoons.
Is your son still napping? Is he tired maybe and that's why he's worse in the afternoon?

Sorry just read he's only 1 years old so will be napping ... is he getting enough nap time?

If he’s been there a month and is still so upset that he’s crying so much at 4pm and you have to come get him than maybe you need to have a conversation about it with then and see what’s going on, or look at a different setting for him. It’s pretty usual for kids to cry and be upset at drop off but they usually get over it quite quickly and are fine throughout the day and should be settled in after going for a month.

His crying doesn’t sound at all unusual for his age group. You might have to start looking for a setting where they are better at dealing with this sort of circumstance

This is interesting and kind of confirming a niggling feeling I’ve had for a while - that he might be better off with a childminder.

all of my family and social group use nurseries so that was sort of the default for me, but he’s a pretty sensitive kid (gets upset easily) so maybe the more 1:1 and home from home nature of a childminder would be better.

I’m just not sure how much longer to give him at nursery.

he doesn’t nap as well as he does at home, but I don’t think there is anything to be done about that.

shame because our nursery is a super convenient 5min walk away!

At the nurseries I’ve worked in phoning a parent to pick up an upset child is done as a last resort. From experience I’ve walked about with a child on my hip in between entertaining them, changing them, playing with them, reading to them for a full day and by 3pm we’ve phoned dad or mum, it’s not fair on that child, or the other children in our care (as one child being hysterically upset can set the full room off) and as an experienced early years worker, it’s a tough tough day when one child cries all day.

of your child settles during the day but starts crying mid afternoon it sounds like tiredness, do they sleep at nursery?
you can always refuse to pick up early but the nursery have at least told you that your child is distressed and most parents collect a bit earlier.

It’s a tough one because I totally get that you and DH need to work, but at the same time if he’s that distressed no one wants to leave him like that when there’s another option, and at the moment there is because of DH’s work schedule. I know it sounds counterintuitive but 2 days a week is very infrequent for a 1YO and he might actually settle better on 3 days a week so he can properly bond with staff, learn the nursery routines and it just becomes a familiar place to him without him forgetting all about it in between sessions.

I'd look at trying a different nursery or childminder.

It took until attempt 3 (I'd already tried a childminder and a different nursery) before DD was happy. The first two settings just weren't right for her. I moved her to a nursery where they spent a ton of time outside and it made all the difference.

I would give them notice now as you have to pay for a month anyway. It's a difficult one but he really doesn't seem happy. If it's that bad they are calling you to collect him then I'd deffo be pulling my son out.
It's really hard so I do feel for you but there will be a setting that suits him more.
Have you looked at Nannie's? Depending on how many hours you need might not be more expensive.

That’s another thing I was wondering - maybe only doing 2 days is part of the problem. Maybe going for 3 or 4 days for a few months, then dropping it down would be better?

now I’m torn between that and changing him to a childminder!

I totally get that it’s difficult for the nursery and my son when he’s that upset. The problem is just trying to find a way to manage working, because the current situation will stop being sustainable soon unless something changes

Ah nanny would be brilliant! But I don’t think we could afford it sadly.

this is all giving me so much food for thought, and making me realise that maybe his setting just isn’t right for him. It’s so hard to know when to give up and try something different, and when to persevere

Both my younger ones went to childminders until they went to nursery at age 3. I liked the quieter atmosphere and they did too.

One of the childminders I used went to quite a few local church playgroups/ library groups so they weren't just interacting with the other mindees and it kept it more interesting in terms of different toys. Kind of like what it would have been if I was a SAHM.

I also liked they went on the school run and picked up the older children. Gave them a taste of school life and the older children helped entertain the little ones.

DD still goes to that childminder after school and now she helps with the babies and loves it. It's like a second family for her.

Childminder could be a good shout, more homely and less busy. And if you could afford it maybe do 3 days a week with them to help with consistency.

I would think it's not a good fit for him if he's upset every time he goes.

No way would I just continue as is though when it's not essential. I'd use that time to find somewhere he's happier.

I taught a reception child who would cry a lot. It never occurred to me to ring mum to pick her up. We comforted her and reminded her when home time was and distracted her and tried to make sure she felt safe. After a few months she was really cheerful, she just needed reassurance. It doesn’t sound like the nursery are doing everything they can. I would talk to them and say from next month you need him to be in full days. What is their plan? Childminders can be amazing or terrible. It’s hard to know in advance.

I would look at either a childminder or a nanny or a nanny share.

A nanny would follow your schedule and also do anything to do with your baby. That's keeping the areas he plays clean and tidy and change his bedding, and his washing. So top up shopping. Some nannies may do more it just depends. It can be worth the stretchpayriseu plan to have another one fairly soon. As it keeps change to a minimum for your first. A nanny may get a pay rise with a second baby but not double.

The nursery are controlled by numerous safety regulations to be licensed, as a medically qualified person I can tell you that a seriously distressed child is more likely to choke, or suffer body temperature issues both of which can and have been fatal in nursery settings ask you to collect him early is not to inconvenience you but to protect your son

I think that’s a sign of a good nursery. Mine always tell me they’d let me know if he gets really upset and wants to come home. I’d hate the thought of him being inconsolable at nursery. I know it’s a pain with work etc but sometimes baby has to come first.

Nurseries are frequently short staffed. It’s rather helpful if a few parents can collect early… Once they know you’re available (or have been, to date) you’re an easy target.

My DD was like this when she started at 1, she also went 2 days. The nursery suggested to increase the days so she went an extra morning each week, probably would have sent her an extra 2 mornings if she still didn’t settle. She did settle eventually it just took time. She absolutely loves it now and has become so confident.

Haven't read the whole thread so might be repeating others' advice, but I moved my daughter from a nursery to childminder after initially thinking nursery would be best. Childminder is an older mother of 3 and her daughter is her assistant, she's like another grandma. I like the fact that I always get to speak to the person who has cared 121 for my child at drop off and pick up. DD is 2 now and talks about them when she's at home.

I would increase the number days even just to half ones asap, little and often to help him settle.

You can then look for a childminder by which time you will know of the increased frequency has helped.

Unfortunately twice a week is very unsettling for a lot of DC.

I don't think its unreasonable for a nursery to ask you to pick up a distressed child. They also have other children to look after and interact with. But if your child is that upset still, I'd do as others have said and try something else. However some children do you cry a lot, wherever they are!

Thanks for all the comments. I think it probably is a combination of nursery being genuinely concerned about his welfare, but also having got a bit too used to us being available to pick him up early, (based on comments they have made to us). I totally get that nursery don’t want him to be desperately unhappy there, but something has to change. He shouldn’t be in a setting that he is unhappy in, and I need childcare arrangements that are sustainable. I think what I’m struggling with now is whether to persevere with it in the hope it gets better in a few weeks, or just cut my losses and move him.

I’ve been thinking about the comments on this thread over the past few days. My gut instinct is that he would do better with a childminder, but he also hasn’t had loads of time in nursery compared to kids who go more frequently.

I think what I’m going to do is give him another two weeks with his current nursery arrangements, and in the meantime see if I can increase his nursery hours for a while and also make enquiries with childminders. If I find a childminder that has availability for him and he still isn’t settled at nursery by that point then I think I’ll move him. I’m assuming it will take a few weeks to find a childminder