Is this normal for nursery? Asked to pick up early

[Cheeriosandoreos]

My DS is one years old and goes to nursery 2 days a week. He had a 2 week settling in period and has been doing full days for the past month.

He hates nursery, and has been teething for the past few weeks (think it’s molars coming in). He cries when we drop him off, but I think he calms down and plays for a bit during the day. He then gets upset again mid afternoon and starts crying a lot. And he can really cry, he is like that at home.

The problem is nursery keep asking us to come and collect him early when he gets upset in the afternoon. We usually get a message around 4ish. At the beginning they did not outright ask us to come and get him, but heavily suggested we should by letting us know how upset he was. We have then been going to collect him early. I think nursery may have got too used to this. However this is only possible because my husband is between contracts at the moment, when he starts his next contract neither of us will be able to do this.

My question is: is it normal / reasonable for nursery to keep expecting us it collect him early when he is crying but otherwise well (no fever etc)?

I fully expect for him to be sent home when he is unwell in line with their sickness policy. But I wasn’t expecting him to be sent home for crying too much. Nursery are worried that it will make him dislike them, but I think he just needs to get used to it.

he is our first, so we don’t have experience of how to handle this. It kills me that he’s unhappy, but I don’t think he will settle there unless he really has to, and importantly we need to work.

would I be reasonable in telling nursery to not send him home if he is crying?

I am not sure if the nursery setting is the right one for your child if they are so upset there. Do you see signs that there are visibly distressed? Or could staff shortages be the underlying issues. I would be looking at a child minder as they may suit your child better.

Whilst you are looking at other options and need to persevere with nursery I'd push them for better solutions. If they call I'd ask them what have they done to soothe him, what have they tried, why do they think it's happening. Years ago our nursery started asking for an early pick up quite frequently, initially I really bent over backwards to get there (we both worked full time). But one day I had to say "I'm really sorry but we're both in central London we can't get there until the time arranged" and after a couple of other times it tailed off. We actually took them out of nursery after that because we felt that perhaps they couldn't cope.

@Cheeriosandoreos I don't know what your nursery is like but the one my son goes to is very good and the staff are really caring. If they called up and told me my son was really upset I'd know they had tried their best to soothe him and that he was super upset and that they'd tried to do anything they could before calling. I saw a boy there the other day who had just started at 2 due to the free hours, he had never been anywhere before then, spent 24/7 with his mum. He was throwing himself at the doors screaming and crying, when the staff tried to comfort and cuddle him he kicked and punched, his behaviour was upsetting the other children, I hope for everyones sake they called the mother to come collect him. If it's a good nursery and you feel they put the children's needs first than he maybe needs more settling in time or a different setting. I hope you find what works for you and your family.

It took about 6 weeks or so for my DS to stay a whole day at nursery as he would get upset. It's a long day for them; it's overwhelming and they are so little. I would collect him. It will get better, just give it time, but I think ignoring his needs in the short term won't help.

I never experienced this and I had DC in nursery from 12 months through to school. I'd always give it a few weeks as settling can be hard but if they keep calling then maybe it's time to consider another setting.

IMHO, just to go against the thread a bit- a CM may not be the answer either. Just my experience but I was planning on sending mine to a CM, fully bought into the home away from home thing, but I often found they based their day around their pre-schoolers which meant that DC wouldn't get the chance to nap in a cot - at this time they still had 2 long naps a day - and would be expected to nap around the older children so at playgroups, in the car etc. Which if you're at home juggling your own kids is absolutely fine and normal but it didn't work for me re: paid childcare. If you do go down this route also consider if they take after school kids and if so how many as this can change the environment considerably. I'm not down on CMs, we have a wonderful afterschool CM now, but, for a baby, it wasn't quite the experience I was expecting. Again just my experience.

In the end I found a great nursery and DC settled easily which was a relief.

Have a look around at a few different types of settings and hopefully you'll find one you click with... and when visiting definitely look at how they respond to crying children of all ages - I found this insightful.

Hi OP
i had this with DD the first month and then the next month got a lot better and the month after she was happy to go in! I know it’s frustrating when they ring but I liked the fact they were being honest. I think one
month with two days a week isn’t a lot of time for a one year old to settle so more time or days may help.

Also worth considering as you’ve said further down maybe more 1:1 care would be better. At nurseries at that age group is it 1:3 and it’s likely to be the same with a childminder. Unless you fork out for a personal nanny or childminder.

My DS was originally at a child minder but then due to staffing changes was unable to continue so went to another childminder on the recommendation of our original…what a huge mistake he was crying on drop offs, pick ups and I’d get calls to get him early most Fridays.

I moved him to a nursery after removing him from the childminder following some horrible remarks that were just so unexpected and not something I’d expect from a childcare provider. The nursery he is at is lovely, the staff are great and they really care.

talk to the nursery and if that doesn’t work look for alternatives.

Babies change quite quickly after 1 so I’d leave him there but make them aware when it really isn’t an easy option to pick him up.
Query what they’re doing to help him settle - has he a key worker etc.?
A nursery 5 minutes away is really useful and better than a busy childminder after school time as far as I’m concerned.

Normal where I work. They only ring parents when child is very upset. I think it shows they’re looking after the best interests of the child rather than the parents, as it should be.

Feel for you guys, it is really tough all round. Nursery staff are probably worried your little one is distressed, the continuous crying also sets the other children off in the nursery which they might be worried about. I would take a look at childminders, under 3 they do better in smaller groups or one to one. Nursery is a big place and not all children adapt well to begin with.

Similar ish to you but we are with a childminder - just wanted to mention as I can see you are thinking about switching if it continues but you might find yourself in the same position after all the faff.

Bless, I feel for him. He’s a so small and the fact he’s also sensitive and crying at home to me suggests he just needs more time and attention from his parents. When they are secure in their attachment to their parents you find that they are also more secure in themselves and deal with new environments and change better. Sorry, probably not what you want to hear x

I had this once, apparently he was upset and unable to sleep, when I got there he was happy and it turned out he had been sleeping but woke up as they were moving furniture and he was upset as he had been woken.
think it’s happened 3 times in total in the last 2 years. The last time they were like you don’t need to come in but if you are able to come early ….

As a nursery teacher, I have only done this twice (in 7 years of working).

There is a fine line between crying and getting use to the place, staff and other children and crying so much you know they aren’t going to stop and at that point it’s probably best for the child to go home.

In my case it was the same children twice (twins). They were absolutely miserable there and nothing anyone could do would help. We would try and aim for at least 2 hours (they were booked in for 5) but sometimes it wasn’t doable.

If a child is getting really upset, I will always let the parent know. Usually a message along the lines of “Hey, we just wanted to let you know that child is struggling today and seems to be really upset. We have tried their favourite activities of a&b and also offered food/sleep/milk/comfort item and they only seemed to help a little. We are more than happy to keep them here but also if you want to pick up early, let us know. Thanks!”

Id never force a child to be picked up early but I will be clear if I think they should go home based on my professional experience.

If you will soon be unable to pick up at 4, I would just stop now and when they call, tell them you’re not available to pick up until the pick up time you’ve paid until. I’d give it a few more weeks and see how much more they settle (is there a trigger at 4? other children going home? does tea time set them off?) and work on how you can solve it with the setting and if nothing works I would potentially think about if the setting is right for child and you as a family.

Do you have home based day care places. A local person that does day care in their own home. Usually only 4 or 5 kids. Family Day Care it’s called here.

What is their staff count like? I used to get it quite regularly that if they were short on staff they'd call and claim the child is ill etc and get parent to collect.

Totally agree.

I'm really surprised to read this,

Ex childminder, I would never call parents to ask to pick up for crying, I'd just do my best. It's early days. I've had all day cryers too! Only happier when I got them out in the buggy.

I suppose they can't give 1:1 and maybe his crying unsettles other children

I'd not say they were crying all day either. I'd say they've been a bit unsettled but then mention some positives, The guilt dripping off is hard enough!!

Maybe a childminder would be better.

I agree with this. I know it's hard to hear, but nursery is not good for children under 2.

Child development research (Bowlby onwards) shows that infants (that means up to 18m to 2) need to be with a primary attachment figure and experience anxiety and stress when they are not.

Yes, they can learn to cope - but do you want your baby 'coping' as the norm?

I think this post will cause anger and upset, and I'm really sorry if that's the case, but I don't feel that's a good enough reason not to say it given what's at stake.

What hours is your baby booked in for? Could you do more day but shorter hours for a few week until he is more settled with the staff and then increase the hours back up again on the days you need? Some babies do take longer to settle and if it is a busy setting there may be more noise and more staff to get to know. If he is there for full days then there is a possibility of a staff change over that could also be unsettling.

It would probably be a good idea to have a chat with the room leader there to find out the exact structure of the day and ask about staffing transitions.

It doesn't sound right for him.

You could also look at nanny shares if you live in an area with young families.

We did this for a year before we moved to having our own full time nanny. It does need a lot of negotiation between the families but it is fantastic if you have (as we did) a super sensitive child who needs more bespoke care.

I used to work in a nursery. Most children settle quickly or at the most in a few weeks of regular attendance. Some never do. These are the children who only did 1 or 2 days a week, sometimes missing weeks altogether and their attendance was sporadic. Having an extremely distressed child there is no fun for anyone, especially your poor child. I don't think it's unreasonable for them to ask you to pick up your child if he's very distressed and cannot be comforted. Surely you'd want that for your son rather than them keep him there whilst he's inconsolable?

Well they'll be used to kids who get a bit upset. If they call you for crying, it's because he's very upset. I would want to be called.

You're right he will get used to it, but by slow acclimatisation, not being forced to tough it out at one. Their worry he will develop an aversion is not unreasonable.

Does sound like a childminder might be better, he doesn't sound ready for nursery, I know it's not easy.

Yes, childminders, but it can be hard to find a place as they are in demand.