Is this normal for nursery? Asked to pick up early

[Cheeriosandoreos]

My DS is one years old and goes to nursery 2 days a week. He had a 2 week settling in period and has been doing full days for the past month.

He hates nursery, and has been teething for the past few weeks (think it’s molars coming in). He cries when we drop him off, but I think he calms down and plays for a bit during the day. He then gets upset again mid afternoon and starts crying a lot. And he can really cry, he is like that at home.

The problem is nursery keep asking us to come and collect him early when he gets upset in the afternoon. We usually get a message around 4ish. At the beginning they did not outright ask us to come and get him, but heavily suggested we should by letting us know how upset he was. We have then been going to collect him early. I think nursery may have got too used to this. However this is only possible because my husband is between contracts at the moment, when he starts his next contract neither of us will be able to do this.

My question is: is it normal / reasonable for nursery to keep expecting us it collect him early when he is crying but otherwise well (no fever etc)?

I fully expect for him to be sent home when he is unwell in line with their sickness policy. But I wasn’t expecting him to be sent home for crying too much. Nursery are worried that it will make him dislike them, but I think he just needs to get used to it.

he is our first, so we don’t have experience of how to handle this. It kills me that he’s unhappy, but I don’t think he will settle there unless he really has to, and importantly we need to work.

would I be reasonable in telling nursery to not send him home if he is crying?

We've been asked once or twice to pick DD up as she's been upset and it's not like her but if it was a regular thing I'd be annoyed. They should find ways to distract him ortherwisd he'll think whenever he cries he'll get picked up

Teething can cause a really upset stomach and sore bottom/skin, too.

I would get some gripe water for the belly (Boots), some Ashtons and Parsons for the teething and also for the belly. Most people say to rub the powder on the gums, but I would pour it straight on the tongue.

Anything icy cold - Put teething rings in the fridge, ask nursery to keep them in the fridge. Instruct them how to give the Gripe Water and Ashtons powder.

The nursery should be equipped and trained to deal with a crying 1 year old, otherwise they aren't very professional! They can sooth your son by giving them these things, swaddling him, placing him in a swinging/vibrating baby bouncer and keep him next to them while playing with the other children.

He will stop teething at some point and they need to be more efficient and professional.

I've worked in childcare 26.years, the last10 as a CM and I've never sent home a crier. And trust me I've had some that can scream over the years!
Some children need a bit of extra love/cuddles to get them through this phase, others need space and distraction, but we've always found a way through.
I had 3 one year olds today, all been with me 6-8m and all 3 came to me with no tears this morning, which was lovely but honestly, doesn't happen often, one year olds do cry, it's their default and tbh sending home an unsettled but not unwell.child just seems lazy to me

I agree with everyone else who has suggested using a childminder. I have twins and used a childminder from the age of one. I found the home setting much calmer and my childminder was amazing - she interacted with them, read to them, played games, took them on days out and even took them swimming. She also minded a couple of other children so they made friends and felt safe. It was like a second home.

He's been going 2 days for a month, thats only 8 days! Give the kid chance to settle its a big adjustment for many children. My daughter took 3 or 4 months to settle because she only did 2 mornings. We had a very strong attachment so it was understandable.

have a chat with nursery about trying to manage the upset. Perhap your child would be distracted with a snack or going outside and changing up the routine. Or maybe another parent is collecting after school run as we had this issue for awhile my daughter saw parents and expected us to come too.

He can only form a secure attachment with new caregivers if his primary care giver is present. It’s wild that nurseries allow parents to drop and go. its traumatic to him, not knowing when you’re coming or if you’re coming. My 4yo has no concept of how many hours there are in a day so a 1 yo will really struggle with this. The best way of getting him comfortable there would be to stay with him whilst he settles in, gradually spending more time away, ten minutes, then half an hour, then an hour but only once he has had a week or two of you being there. No it’s not ideal for working parents but babies are not an inconvenience. Gabor mate and Janet Lansbury did a podcast on settling in to childcare recently which may be of interest.

Doesn't sound like they're giving him s chance. I work in a nursery and whilst we let the parents know if their child has been crying, we keep them for the session and they usually settle in the first 2 weeks/months (we also let the parents know this is usually the case) if we feel progress isn't being made we will make observations and call a meeting with the parents to find out the best way to support moving forward depending on the findings of the observation. Do they need an extra sleep? Do they need lots of distraction? Do they need shorter days? Etc etc. But only if they haven't settled.

Very unreasonable for them to even ask. Great they are letting you know, but they are hired to be caregivers, they can’t be pawning him off every time he’s upset.

and you can’t be leaving work.

just a polite, ‘thanks for letting me know , I work till 5, will be there soon after.’

I’m a childminder and my own son’s went to private nursery so I’ve got experience of both. I would never ask a parent to collect their child due to them crying too much unless it was unusual for them and would therefore imply something was wrong. I think the issue you now have is that he knows screaming means Mum or Dad will come and get him. Is he in for consecutive days? I have lots of children who only do 2/3 days and as long as they’re consecutive it works fine. It may be worth trying a childminder on an alternative day to see how he gets on there before you give up your nursery space. Good luck.

Nurseries are frequently short staffed. It’s rather helpful if a few parents can collect early… Once they know you’re available (or have been, to date) you’re an easy target.

This. Sometimes if they've got staff doing different shifts they have less cover end of the day. My kids went to a preschool that were shocking for this. They were always ringing round to shift 3 kids home early on a Tuesday!

Some mums couldn't leave work unless it was an absolute crisis (medical workers etc) and they were never rung. Parents who were wfh were always the first target.

Have the nursery said if anything triggers his afternoon crying? My little boy is now 3.5 but when he started when he was 1 he was also very upset and unsettled. For a long while he would cry in the afternoons and it was triggered by other parents picking up their children... I think he wanted it to be me and when it wasn't he was sad. For quite a while I'd arrive and he'd be at the door looking sad and forlorn. I did try to go early to get him early (4pm) for a while as he was distressed, but it did pass, took about 6 months or so I think. He is also a very sensitive boy, and can cry a lot. He has also found room changes very distressing. He has been full time since day one, and I don't think that helped, he is just a sensitive soul who takes time to get used to things. I will say now however I can't get him to leave at the end of the day and absolutely loves it! And I'm dreading the transition to school as he is so happy at nursery!!! Luckily that's not until September 2025.

All of this!!

Sorry to hear yr son's continuing to hate nursery - staff don't usually tell parents, so either he's more distressed than the other kids or they know you're able to help him.
I've worked in a few, & wonder if it's because he's part time? The full timers get "broken-in" more quickly, but it's v sad to witness.
What a dreadful system this countries chosen! Children usually hate breakfast/after-school club too, but aren't allowed to say (Ofsted insists on gaslighting them). Many are literally suicidal before they leave primary school.
Doesn't happen in Finland; but all children succeed there - no special needs, & consequently a low prison population. They had to ban private education to pull it off though.

Our boy did this too. He’s in a nursery at a hospital so due to parents shifts some children start getting collected at 3.30, we collect at 5. But when our boy saw others being collected he would get upset that no one was coming for him. He didn’t get sent home and nursery would do their best to comfort him and he’s always have his favourite comforter with him.

@Cheeriosandoreos How did you get on in the end? I'm in a similar situation with my little one and wondering if we need to look at alternatives to nursery

So we ended up taking him out of nursery and moving him to a childminder. It’s had pros and cons, but overall I think it was the right decision for him at the time.

The cons are - he is much less confident around lots of kids than other children his age. I think it’s partly his personality, but a nursery setting may have helped him come out of his shell a bit more. I think he would have got a bit more focussed developmental activities at nursery, and there would have been greater clarity over how he spent his days (activities, eating and sleeping). Our childminder is lovely but often if we don’t ask for information we don’t get it. It’s just a much more relaxed and informal setting.

having said all that, he was definitely happier at the childminder home from home environment than nursery, and at his age that was my main priority. I think he also gets a really good, different type of learning to what he would have had at a nursery. The childminder has the time to do more 1:1 stuff with him and he’s picked up practical things from her that he might not have done at nursery (eg putting his shoes on, using cutlery, some behavioural things have been sorted by the childminder). Some of the issues i described above maybe could have also been addressed by a using a different childminder, although we didn’t have lots of choice in our area.

He also wasn’t completely happy at the childminder, not as bad as nursery but it still took a while for him to settle and even now he has bad days.

overall though I am glad we moved him at the time, but now that he is getting a bit older I do think he would benefit from nursery in a few months time around the age of 2.

We are moving house soon to a new area, around the time my son turns 2, so I am planning to move him to a nursery then. I’ll be on maternity leave at the same time so he can have a good long settling period over a few months if needed.

i would say, if you have reservations about nursery, go with your gut. But also be prepared that there might not be an ‘easy’ option, just some that are easier than others. Some kids are a bit more sensitive/take longer to adjust than others. There was a lot of pressure in my social circle to stick with nursery, but I just knew it wasn’t the right setting for him at the time. Good luck though, it is so hard and heartbreaking to be in a situation where your kid is just unhappy but you’ve also got to work.

@Cheeriosandoreos thank you so much for updating. It definitely sounds like you've made the right decision and I'm glad it's worked out. And I hope the move to nursery goes more smoothly for you this time round.

It's so tough isn't it. It's early days for us so I know we need to give it a bit longer after Christmas to see how it goes. He's always been a clingy baby, so I knew it would be a difficult transition. In hindsight I wish I'd thought more about the options. I just automatically went for nursery without thinking about alternatives. On the other hand, when he's with me he is very confident and sociable with other children. So I do think nursery will suit him but I guess it's just whether it's too early for him.

Thank you again. Its so helpful to hear how it worked out for you and reassures me theres alternatives if nursery doesnt work out for us.

And congrats on your house move and maternity!