Is this normal for nursery? Asked to pick up early

[Cheeriosandoreos]

My DS is one years old and goes to nursery 2 days a week. He had a 2 week settling in period and has been doing full days for the past month.

He hates nursery, and has been teething for the past few weeks (think it’s molars coming in). He cries when we drop him off, but I think he calms down and plays for a bit during the day. He then gets upset again mid afternoon and starts crying a lot. And he can really cry, he is like that at home.

The problem is nursery keep asking us to come and collect him early when he gets upset in the afternoon. We usually get a message around 4ish. At the beginning they did not outright ask us to come and get him, but heavily suggested we should by letting us know how upset he was. We have then been going to collect him early. I think nursery may have got too used to this. However this is only possible because my husband is between contracts at the moment, when he starts his next contract neither of us will be able to do this.

My question is: is it normal / reasonable for nursery to keep expecting us it collect him early when he is crying but otherwise well (no fever etc)?

I fully expect for him to be sent home when he is unwell in line with their sickness policy. But I wasn’t expecting him to be sent home for crying too much. Nursery are worried that it will make him dislike them, but I think he just needs to get used to it.

he is our first, so we don’t have experience of how to handle this. It kills me that he’s unhappy, but I don’t think he will settle there unless he really has to, and importantly we need to work.

would I be reasonable in telling nursery to not send him home if he is crying?

I think it's pretty common. No good nursery will watch a child be upset all day without contacting their parents. I know a few friends have had to try a couple of nurseries/childminders until they found somewhere their LO would settle for this reason.

Incredibly difficult when both parents work though. I guess everyone involved is just trying to weigh up the emotional needs of the child with the parents childcare needs (which are obviously important, children need somewhere to live and food on the table too!).

You can’t compare a one year old and a 4/5 year old though?!

I think it’s good that the nursery are being honest and letting OP know that her child is very distressed so that she can make a judgement call as to whether that’s the best setting for the child at this point in time.

You usually have to give at least one month’s notice with a nursery just an fyi in case you weren’t already aware

Our nursery wouldn’t take children for just 2 days as they found it was harder for them to settle. They were so over-subscribed I guess they could pick and choose but generally would rather have fewer children doing more days.

You don't have to pick him up early but 4pm doesn't sound that early.
We have had children who cry a lot (not all day) and we let parents know so they can pick up early if they want. I wonder if it's not just the fact your son is upset but also that it then makes other children upset, sometimes crying is catching.
I think your right to give it a bit longer then look elsewhere but if you/your husband can't pick up early they can't make you. Just say that you can't come early and you'll pick him up at 6 or whatever time you pay to.

Could either of you work flexi so one of you is able to pick him up at 4ish. It is a long day for a one year old at nursery, he might be really happy with a slightly shorter day. This worked with one of my GC but it was me or DH picking him up a bit early, then mum picked up from us.

Start looking for a childminder straightaway he’s clearly very unhappy. Why would you want to extend? That? Childminders are fantastic specially for under two when they don’t really get the benefits of social play

I find it quite worrying that someone who teaches reception children (hopefully not a teacher) thinks that a 4/5 yo is comparable to a 1yo!!
Do you know nothing about child development?
You can't remind a 1yo that it's not home time yet!!

There is nothing else a good nursery can do.
I've seen parents flip, rant, heard about rants when the nursery, and school did not tell them EG, child not eat, stopped from eating ?? crying, had a small fall.

I'm with the nursery as it is in the best interest of the child

I used to run a childcare setting and it's really hard work when you've got a child that just doesn't settle and stop crying. Few environments have the staff to be able to give your child 1 to 1 that they will need when they're upset like this. That's why they are asking you to collect early. Nurseries are also very busy, noisy and over stimulating environments. I personally wouldn't put a child under 3 into one for that reason alone.

I would try a childminder, it's a much more relaxed environment and they can get more attention throughout the day especially when they're over tired.

Teething won't be helping. Have you tried teething granules? Nursery could easily administer these.

When to give up and when to persevere? First time he cried all day - I'd feel awful. Second time - I'd be worried. Third time - this is a horrible experience for him, not sending him back. Sure, if you keep sending him, he might eventually give up and get used to being unhappy, he's not old enough to think it out but he might just recognise that crying does nothing. But that's a big difference from being happy.

Admittedly it doesn’t sound like he was half as upset as your little boy but my youngest started nursery at 1 a few months ago, he cried on drop off and wouldn’t nap whilst there so would be upset on pick up. It took a good 6-7 weeks for him to settle. He only goes 1 day a week. But although he still
cries a little bit on drop off (although can usually be distracted by breakfast now), he now naps whilst there and is happy on pick up.

I’d perhaps give it a few more weeks but start looking into other options in the meantime just in case.

(although my little boy only goes 1 day a week, my eldest goes 2 days so the youngest has been doing drop off and pick up for a year before starting so was familiar with the place and some of the staff, he also often gets to see his older brother mid-morning as the 3-5 year old are often playing outside when the baby room go for their walk which potentially helps with his anxiety a little bit).

The nursery is right to call you if your child is inconsolable and it would be wrong of you to tell them not to call you when your child needs you. Allowing a baby to stay in a distressed state for extended periods of time when there is a solution would be neglect.

If you use nursery two days a week, can you rearange it to four half days?
At least for few months so baby get less hours waiting for you?
That way you would be collecting after or beforr nap.

When we moved, I switched dd to a childminder - she was going on 3. I couldn't believe the difference compared to nursery and wish I had done it earlier. No more tears - over Xmas she even asked if she could go to her childminders! No better recommendation than that. Small home setting, regular but not too many playmates, consistent attentive carer - those were the changes that made the difference. Dd now 19 is still shy and easily overwhelmed.

I wonder if it’s worth just saying ‘sorry we are out but will get there as soon as possible ‘ and then leaving it for a while , just in case it’s become the default because they know you are local and always come . How upset is he when your husband arrives ?

A reception-aged child is vastly different from a baby! You can reason with a child, they understand the rough timings of the day and they know that their parent is coming back for them, none of which apply to a one-year-old.

Same!!

He is still an infant and desperately needs a primary attachment figure. A childminder would be a million times better for him than a nursery setting. The cortisol levels of young children in nurseries is extremely high, whether they appear settled or not. A childminder would give him an adult to form an attachment with. This will help him with emotional regulation. A good childminder will also be able to tune into his sleep needs etc too.

Exactly. ALWAYS baby has to come 1st. Parents are responsible for their children's wellbeing. It should be number 1 priority.

@Cheeriosandoreos

Could you pay nursery just until 4pm, and then find a nanny type person to pick him until look after until you finish work?

It doesn't sound like a good nursery to me.

Isn't this what nurseries do? Their bread and butter, essentially. I would have thought settling unsettled children is a large part of their role. I don't buy this "oh it's so hard for the nursery" nonsense. Caring for small children includes a lot of cuddling and settling.

The whole point of nurseries at this age is to care for children while their parents are working. If you can't rely on your nursery to do this, it's essentially pointless.

Parents are also responsible for providing materially for their children, including feeding and clothing them, which is usually why they use nurseries in the first place.

My reservation with a childminder is that it’s harder for one person to manage a very fussy baby than a nursery where there are a number of members of staff. I know MN like the setting but I’m never sure how well it works for babies unless the childminder only has under 2s.