Is this normal for nursery? Asked to pick up early

[Cheeriosandoreos]

My DS is one years old and goes to nursery 2 days a week. He had a 2 week settling in period and has been doing full days for the past month.

He hates nursery, and has been teething for the past few weeks (think it’s molars coming in). He cries when we drop him off, but I think he calms down and plays for a bit during the day. He then gets upset again mid afternoon and starts crying a lot. And he can really cry, he is like that at home.

The problem is nursery keep asking us to come and collect him early when he gets upset in the afternoon. We usually get a message around 4ish. At the beginning they did not outright ask us to come and get him, but heavily suggested we should by letting us know how upset he was. We have then been going to collect him early. I think nursery may have got too used to this. However this is only possible because my husband is between contracts at the moment, when he starts his next contract neither of us will be able to do this.

My question is: is it normal / reasonable for nursery to keep expecting us it collect him early when he is crying but otherwise well (no fever etc)?

I fully expect for him to be sent home when he is unwell in line with their sickness policy. But I wasn’t expecting him to be sent home for crying too much. Nursery are worried that it will make him dislike them, but I think he just needs to get used to it.

he is our first, so we don’t have experience of how to handle this. It kills me that he’s unhappy, but I don’t think he will settle there unless he really has to, and importantly we need to work.

would I be reasonable in telling nursery to not send him home if he is crying?

But if a child can't cope they can't magically make him cope. If he won't settle he won't settle. They're not fairy godmothers. It's not a crowdpleaser to say so but some children really cannot cope with nursery.

The reality is that parents have to work so children and their carers have to find a way to cope.

Perhaps some children can't cope with nursery but are children really going to find it easier to deal with parental stress, poverty and homelessness if their parents can't work?

Sometimes you do have to prioritise children's material wellbeing over their emotional wellbeing.

I agree with some of this. The first childminder I used for my oldest whole days were based around nursery and after school picks up (4 drop offs and picks up in total a day). I didn't have an issue with my son napping in the buggy but found the constant pick ups and drops of meant his routine was very disrupted and it upset him. He couldn't get a proper settled nap time, lunch time was often fairly varied and the older kids came in and often got the younger children very high at a time when they were maybe napping or trying to settle. The relationship between my son and the childminder wasn't great as she didn't seem to see how disruptive certain things she did were to toddlers routine.One of her frequent complaints was that she struggled to do her big weekly shop with 3 toddlers and they didn't listen (i dont think many toddlers would find 1.5 hours in ASDA thrilling).We removed him from her care and put him in nursery which was great for him.

I used a different childminder for my other kids. Who didn't do offer school care at all for school kids as she felt it was disruptive to the younger children. She did have school age children herself but they were a little older and very easy going kids who were used to the routines of the little ones. She was an amazing childminder. My kids absolutely loved her. She has great routines, took the little ones out daily to groups or activities in the morning, had set lunch times, afternoon play fun and quiet/nap time me. It was very much a home to home environment but with structure, routines and the kids thrived in her care.

My son has just turned 1 and we were having to go collect him at midday. I started calling to check on him each day as he was just so unsettled. It took 3 months of 2 days a week but he now absolutely loves nursery. Runs to the door when he knows he's going and walks happily into the room. No idea what happened but one day I called and was told he was fine and was eating and drinking. It's horrible in the moment but was worth it for us.

One is really little to be in a nursery setting all day OP. My one year old wouldn’t manage it. You do what you have to to survive financially but my oh stopped working because it’s pretty clear that until 3-4 baby humans ideally need 1:1 from someone who loves them in order to thrive.

Does he have a key worker in the nursery who is specifically assigned to him? Mine had that which really helped as they create more of a bond with that person when they are small.

Yet many children go to nursery full time from 9-12 months and the majority of them thrive.

Weird.

My daughter is older (2.5) but we had a very similar situation OP. She also goes 2 days a week and the first few months were tough, lots of crying and hand over and a few times nursery asked me to collect her after only a few hours as she was still upset. This went on a while until eventually she wasn’t crying going in or inside at all. Now she actively loves nursery and asks to go on the days she doesn’t, waves me off and tells me all the things she done that day at the end. You know your child best but I know if I hadn’t of persevered she would have had the same problem at the next nursery & the next. I think from recollection it was a good 8 weeks before she liked going. But your son is younger and you know him best!

Someone above said their crèche doesn’t allow children to only come for two days a week- that was the same in the two crèches we went to. They’re 5 days with parents, 2 in a new setting so it takes them too long to settle

Sure it’s not going to kill them. It’s obviously not ideal as most people with the money would choose to stay home or have a nanny/1:1 carer. I went to nursery from 10 months and am fine, but I do remember hating childcare settings throughout my childhood and don’t want that for my DC so have arranged my family life so she has a parent around until she starts school.

my nursery advised 3 days minimum for settling in better. I do 2 at the moment, not consecutive but from the start my child has loved all settling in and been so happy when she comes back to us. Babbling, waving at workers when I pick her up, putting arms out to hug them when we are leaving.

i felt as she is a confident child she would be fine. In noisy toddler groups she holds her own and doesn’t often look for me. From reading your situation I don’t think it’s a good fit for your child. I’m not convinced another day would fix it.
could you use annual leave to try half days with your child first and build back up to full days if you were trying to stay there.

Maybe look for another nursery. I wouldn’t be happy that my child is that unhappy and I wouldn’t trust the care. I would consider a child minder or adjust working hours between you both to do half days so second nap can be at home. What is your child like in busy toddler groups? Or when you leave them?

all these people saying you’re getting targeted by the nursery to pick your child up is wild. Your child is so distressed that professional care workers can’t comfort them and you want to leave them there?! They are still a baby and nursery/working full time is something we know we do but of course they don’t understand. Can people show compassion here and stop implying the literal baby needs to tough it out!

Have posted on another thread this weekend about watching a grizzly baby being basically ignored at a nursery. I'd be so glad to get the call.

I'd ask exactly why they do to try and avoid this upset in the first place. What are the patterns and triggers etc? They should be very proactive about it.

I could be a SAHM if I wanted to but it absolutely wouldn’t be ideal for my family. Clearly not everyone who could do it, would make the choice to do it.

I had a SAHM growing up and didn’t like it. Clearly everyone is different.

I worked in an international nursery for years (abroad)and they had a 3 day min rule for this reason. It could be split to say every morning or every afternoon.

When I started up my own nursery here (Scotland) I asked the Care Inspectorate if I could have the same rule and they said absolutely and that they would fully back me in any complaints as its in the best interests of the children.

There are babies that settle just half a day a week. It's all dependent on a) the child and b) the skills/time of the caregivers.

Another vote here for childminders! Mine both went from age 1, then we switched to nursery aged 3.
Childminders offer a home from home, they only had 6-7 children, they had amazing toys and outdoor play area, and they also did trips to parks and church playgroups… win win.
Honestly, you could use the next 2 weeks to settle him with a childminder rather than persevere with a crowded overwhelming nursery.

We have used a childminder for my youngest (used nursery for my older one) and it has been great. We’ve had no tears at drop up, she barely even says goodbye to DH some mornings, just walks in and closes the door on him 🤣

They also pick older one up from school so they are together after school until I pick them up at 5. My childminder’s kids love my DD, we can’t see them anywhere in the village without them having to come over and cuddle her. It’s a much nicer dynamic with the childminder and since wraparound care at the village school barely exists it will be a longer relationship with the childminder.

2 days a week is very little time, I’d up the hours in the nursery and find a better one of this one is poor. I’m never sure that childminders are suddenly the magic solution Mumsnet likes to say they are. Kids often get carted here there and everywhere for school pick up and in nursery there is safety in a number of care providers.

I would be looking at the childminder at such young age. He would certainly have more 1 to 1 attention and care. I had a lovely experience with my DD childminder. She had only 3 children at a time and took in consideration the usual nap time for every child, not just putting all the babies to sleep at the same time. He doesn't seem happy there, so definitely something needs to change

He's only 1, and he's only been at nursery for a month, 2 days a week. If he's usually this upset at home, then it's going to take a while for him to settle into nursery.

If the nursery is convenient for you then I would consider an extra day if possible. They aren't doing anything wrong if they are asking you to collect early if he's distressed, but it's also not improving the situation. What would they do if you said you can't collect until 5:30?

I wouldn't say a childminder is going to make the situation better. Yes they have less children and maybe a quieter session, but it's a single person looking after several children. They won't be able to spend the whole afternoon comforting your child and meeting the needs of the others. If anything, they a likely to have less time as they have to clean, tidy, make meals/snacks, and do nappy changes etc.

they only had 6-7 children

That is a lot for one person.

The problem with childminders is exactly the problem I have when I have both of my children (so I am not criticising them in anyway) - it is often hard / impossible to meet everybody’s needs.

Let’s say you have a four year old who doesn’t nap, a three year old and a two year old - two year old naps and the three year old sometimes does and sometimes doesn’t and a nine month old baby who naps twice a day, once in the morning and once in the afternoon. How do you manage that? Realistically the baby has to do what mine does and has to sleep a bit when she can, where she can. You manage and you get by but it isn’t an individual homely environment. You’ll only get that with a nanny really and even then only if you have just one baby.

What days does he go? Are they consecutive? If the child goes every Monday and Tuesday, it’s an awfully long time before they go back and if that’s the case it’s not surprising that they’re not settling well.

I used a childminder for mine, and it was brill (granted I did have an amazing one) she had two other children with her through the day, and it was perfect! She really thrived there, we did a few settling in sessions with a nursery and she didn't settle at all.

Ok. I think you are not doing that for your kids best interests, but for your own. You want a career, which is fine. It’s best for very young (1 year old) kids to be with a parent. Everyone does what they must. I couldn’t be a sham, but I know it would be better for my child if I was.