Is this normal for nursery? Asked to pick up early

[Cheeriosandoreos]

My DS is one years old and goes to nursery 2 days a week. He had a 2 week settling in period and has been doing full days for the past month.

He hates nursery, and has been teething for the past few weeks (think it’s molars coming in). He cries when we drop him off, but I think he calms down and plays for a bit during the day. He then gets upset again mid afternoon and starts crying a lot. And he can really cry, he is like that at home.

The problem is nursery keep asking us to come and collect him early when he gets upset in the afternoon. We usually get a message around 4ish. At the beginning they did not outright ask us to come and get him, but heavily suggested we should by letting us know how upset he was. We have then been going to collect him early. I think nursery may have got too used to this. However this is only possible because my husband is between contracts at the moment, when he starts his next contract neither of us will be able to do this.

My question is: is it normal / reasonable for nursery to keep expecting us it collect him early when he is crying but otherwise well (no fever etc)?

I fully expect for him to be sent home when he is unwell in line with their sickness policy. But I wasn’t expecting him to be sent home for crying too much. Nursery are worried that it will make him dislike them, but I think he just needs to get used to it.

he is our first, so we don’t have experience of how to handle this. It kills me that he’s unhappy, but I don’t think he will settle there unless he really has to, and importantly we need to work.

would I be reasonable in telling nursery to not send him home if he is crying?

does the nursery run a ‘school hours’ session where there are a tranche parents picking up around 3:30? If so it wouldn’t surprise me if he’s seeing this happening and then getting upset that he’s not had his pickup. I would ask nursery if this is happening and if so, they should be able to accomodate your son being moved somewhere else (eg outside with others not having short days) whilst the pick ups happen…

It is possible there is an argument in favour for this when the child is a baby or toddler.

But some recognition that a child’s long term needs have to be balanced against the immediate situation is wise.

The biggest cause of misery has long been poverty. It is the root cause of nearly every social problem out there and has far reaching consequences. Demanding that women give up work - and it is women - will plunge many families into poverty and the effects of this are dire. Only a fool would push that route.

I’d be bored, unfulfilled and miserable as a SAHM. How would that be beneficial to them?

Your child is unhappy. You need to find an alternative arrangement. Once your a parent, your child's wellbeing trumps his/her parent's convenience.

I find it very strange that you and his father are prepared to leave him cry throughout the day.

Very common reducing hours helps to settle child then gradually build time back up. Can anyone help by collecting him early. long days for babies are not great it's becomes too much sometimes. It's not a normal environment. Always busy and noisy.
childminder might help but by 4.30 the childminder will be extremely busy and won't have time to be one on one with a crying baby.
good luck whatever you decide.

It wouldn’t. I’m the same. It’s a balance. But at 1 if the kid isn’t coping in nursery the balance has to swing back towards baby’s wellbeing.

Of course - if it’s a case of eat and to pay for food baby screams in nursery you go for that. But I’d not leave a distressed 1 year old if it was possible to not do so, as they simply aren’t developed enough to regulate their own emotions at that age. Kids a few years older can start to deal with their distress by rationalising.

It's a shame that the magic money fairy isn't going to swoop in and pay everyone's rent/mortgages so we can all stay at home with our small children.

There is zero use guilting the OP about working - it's just unpleasant. The reality is that most parents have to work to provide a stable home for their children and the alternative for many, especially in expensive parts of the country, is mortgage/rent arrears and ultimately unstable temporary accommodation in the sort of b&bs where babies can't crawl on the floor due to lack of space/damp/vermin.

It's not as straightforward as saying "you're a parent, you need to put your child first". Of course our instinct when our children are unhappy and want us is to go to them and comfort them - it hurts us so badly when they're upset - but the reality is that sometimes we have to make hard choices to balance their long-term security against short-term emotional comfort.

Other things can be tried to help settle baby better such as an extra day, see if keyworker can identify any triggers, different techniques to settle baby etc.

Like it’s been said too, maybe baby would be suited more to a childminder.

It doesn’t mean OP should just give up her job. She may not have the choice anyway.

They're not leaving their child to go golfing.

You are getting so much conflicting advice here.

I am presuming your baby has had you next to him (more or less) for 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for 12 months.

Your baby has been at nursery for 8 days.

If I was you I would increase his days for the next few weeks to 3 or 4 days a week. Even if it is just for the half days 4 days a week for a few weeks.

I am a childminder and a lot of babies take a very long time to settle if they only attend two days a week. I wouldn't worry about changing your babies setting for now.

You could speak to the nursery and see if they can facilitate the extra days and if so, give that a try over the next few weeks.

Its irrelevant where they are going. They made a decision to become parents. They now have a child. That child is unhappy on a daily basis. Their priority has to be their child's wellbeing. There are options - different childcare, one to one childcare or reduced working hours.

It no longer matters what suits them as adults. Their child is now completely dependent on them.

Including to meet his material needs.

Including depending on them to provide food, shelter and warmth which often involves both parents needing to work.

Baby only started a week ago and will need time to adjust and potentially an extra day to help with settling.

Well the father is between cotracts so we don't know what he is doing, the OP is obviously at work. If the dad is available I'd try picking him up early for a while, it might help him settle if he isn't there so long.

OP said he had two weeks settling in and has been doing full days for a month.

I can't believe you have written that and seemingly believe that.

Of course their short term emotional comfort and security matters. This is a small human being who is very unhappy and is showing it in the only way they know how. At least the nursery seems decent enough to want to help the child by making sure the child doesn't have to endure it for longer than absolutely necessary and preferably not endure it at all.

Adults have to press pause on their own lives and compromise to make it work so that small children are content. Too many people seem to think that their own lives can carry on as it was pre-kids.

Being able to "press pause on your own life" is an incredibly privileged position. Most people can't afford after maternity leave.

B.S. And this food, shelter and warmth can very probably be downgraded temporarily without having much of an impact on the child because the child will not notice. For many adults they don't want to compromise on this but children do not care what type of cars their parents drive and whether their food is bought at M&S or Lidl.

And many people downgrade their own lives to make it happen. Of course many don't want to do this but I can guarantee that there are parents who do this who earn less than you, have less savings and live in less desirable area. That is how they do it.

If they don't want to do it, that is entirely their decision but at least own it.

@Icehockeyflowers . You think a child won't notice when they have stressed parents unable to buy food and other essentials? As for housing, we are in the middle of a rental crisis and mortgages are becoming increasingly unaffordable. There are so many financial pressures on families at the moment, a lot are barely holding it together.

I'm not sure what that has to do with me pointing out that he hasn't just been there for a week.

Does this apply to you CrispieCake and to many people in your social circle? No. I thought not.

Because you might as well conclude your self justification by saying how well off the babies in the UK are compared to the babies in war torn countries but that is not who or what this discussion is about.

In the area where we live, there is an acute housing crisis. Working families of six or more share one bedroom flats and people live in back gardens in illegal sheds. Children don't have space to do their homework. Councils are housing families in shipping containers or hundreds of miles away, far from their support networks. There is an acute shortage of rental property and house prices are many, many times the average salary. Unless very well-paid, you have very little chance of getting on the housing ladder on a single income and even many better-off families we know are struggling with the increase in rates.

The reality is that it's not a binary choice - put your child first by being there with them or put yourself first by working. Financial insecurity has harmful long-term consequences for children. Many parents really do have no choice but to keep their jobs.

We all know the state of the country CrispieCake. We don't need a sociology lesson from you about it. I will ask you again. Does the above apply to you CrispieCake?

Because the OP gave no indication it applies to her circumstances either.