To genuinely hate weekends with kids

[ithinkineehelp]

I need to rant as I can’t take it any more. I HATE weekends, to the point that it makes me question why I ever became a mother. I have two boys 5 yo and 3.5 yo. I WANT to enjoy them but they are too much!!! From the moment they wake up (7ish) to the time they go to bed (8ish) they just want want want. It’s constant!! They keep doing their own things, they scream ALL DAY they whine about everything and they whole vibe at home is so negative.
I shout so much and I become a person I hate, but I feel that I am so sick of this whole motherhood thing. I am so overwhelmed and overtouched and overtalked. I can’t do anything I like or eat anything I like. They won’t eat anything, they won’t watch tv not even for 5 minutes, if they play together they pull all the toys down and make a mess and then they fight over one toy. I have to constantly be on top of them. I have zero down time or any time to catch up on any housework or anything else that's not kids related. My husband is useless so everything is on me (story for another thread, please dont fixate on this!!!).
I also have to batch cook for the coming days (we both work full time), sort out all the weekend meals (my kids won’t eat take out or anything from a restaurant) but then they won’t eat anything anyway. I might need to pop to the shops but if I take one of the kids with me I end up yelling or too annoyed at them. We take them out to parks and stuff but they soon get hungry, won't eat anything and then they are miserable. I love them to bits and I want to enjoy them but I can’t!!! They are too much along with everything else I need to do!! I hate my life and I wish I could just leave or jump out a window sometimes... Everyone keep telling me that I am still in the trenches but honestly when will it get easier?? I just need them to eat the food I make them and watch TV without talking to me for an hour! Is it too much to ask??

I was thinking this yesterday. I have a 1 year old and 4 year old and feel like I spend my whole weekend shrieking ‘LEAVE HIM ALONE! Put that back! Don’t trip him over! Get down from there! Where did you find that?? You just had a snack/drink you don’t need another’

On and on and on and on and on and on and on

Sympathy

OP, I know you say we shouldn't fixate on your husband, but truthfully, when things are this hard, I actually think you either need to genuinely be in a partnership with your OH or be single. This in between makes it impossible.

At similar ages, there was no way me or DH would have survived if we didn't make a conscious effort to give each other a break. taking turns to have a lie in. One of us taking the kids out for a couple of hours. Quite often, I'd go do the weekly shop while DH stayed home and he'd insist I made sure I had a little browse and went for a coffee BEFORE I did it so I got a bit of a break while he had the DC.

Re the food, if it's a constant battle, can you take a step back for a while? What WILL they eat? Perhaps just figure out the small number of things they will eat and give yourselvs a break from the stress for a few days or even weeks. Then you can start trying to reintroduce more variety and or better choices.

The yelling is going to make a feedback loop, unfortunately. They're loud, you're overwhelmed and shouty, and they're loud in turn, on and on. Only the parents in this situation have the power to break that cycle and model calmer communication styles. You don't want to still be yelling every day in five years time, right?

(Also you know what everyone in the thread is going to say already: you're stretched and have no time because your partner isn't helping. He should take kids out for the morning and give you a break.)

Yea sorry agree with this. I'm noticing an increasing trend on MN of people posting that they're struggling and sticking a line in going 'I know it's DH's fault for being useless but I can't change that so what can I change'. But a lot of us won't have much of an answer sadly because that IS the reason you're struggling and those of us who perhaps aren't struggling so much, the reason we don't is precisely because we have a supportive, loving partner that is equally involved on weekends. My weekends aren't like you describe but they definitely would be if I was on my own (and does happen very occasionally if say one of us is very unwell and has to step back to recover).

Im sorry OP but there is no other real answer to this. Either he needs to step or you will remain miserable and it would be better to be apart in that case because then hopefully he'd take the kids at least SOME of the time so you could crack on with your housework in peace then (and there'd be less mess etc etc with one less person there anyway).

Could your useless DH take the older one to football or swimming or something so you just have to deal with the little one for a while?

What food will they eat? A white bread jam sandwich (for example) wont harm them. Take the easiest possible option.

Can you put away the most contentious toys plus a lot of the others? Less to make a mess with and fight over.

@WeightoftheWorld I think yes, as a single parent maybe you'd get a break if your ex tkes the child. But I have found with my single friends with little involvement from their exes that they STILL find it easier than when they were together and he did nothing. Because at least they're not ALSO trying to manage a third person (adult). They can make all their own decisions etc.

No he wont unless I find it/organise it/book it.

just as an example, on Sunday my little one had chocolate and a choc chip cookie for breakfast, popcorn for lunch and plain pasta for dinner.

i’ve tried SO hard to have a balanced meal plan for all of us but my husband is a lot more overwhelmed than me so at the slightest moan he gives them sweets to shut them up, and of course they have caught on that

Yes about the husband, but also, things you can change.
Food - don't worry about cooking and healthy full meals all the time. Beans or egg on toast, chicken/tuna/cheese sandwiches, jacket potatoes, or even good old beige freezer food won't hurt them for some of the meals over the weekend.
Also even at 3.5 they are old enough to understand actions and consequences on a basic level. So if you say - the next hour or two is for quiet TV watching. I am going to put on a film and it will stay on until the clock shows this time (to the five year old). If you are good boys and watch it quietly until then we will go to the park/make a cake/ go to get sweets from the shop/go swimming whatever, but if you are fighting or asking for me all the time or whatever it is they do thats annoying, mummy will be too tired to take you out/you will be put to bed early/whatever negative thing.
Maybe an activity. Can you enroll them in one structured activity over the weekend? Both football and rugby have didi/mini groups. You might have take them and go and watch if you're husband is totally useless, but at least they'll be supervised by another adult for an hour...

I'm very lucky as DH is fully hands on at weekends, we pretty much spend the whole weekend as a group of 4, but DH usually has one dc and I have the other. Means each dc gets some one to one attention and does the activities they want. I really struggle during school holidays when I have both of my dcs on their own, so I sympathise. Some of the time I send the eldest to activity camps then so I'm not doing it on my own the whole time. Can you use drop-off activities like football or rugby lessons to have a bit of a break?

What do the kids eat? To give yourself a break, I'd just feed the what they will eat during the week. One less thing to stress about.

And I know you said not to fixate on your dh, but seriously, what's he doing all weekend? Golfing? Gaming? Having a lie in? Because that's not fair, or cool and he needs to be a better parent, even if he can't be a better husband. Any partner that can sit back/gonout/ignore home while their partner feels like this is a selfish twat, but a father not parenting, well that's a whole new low.

It does and it will get easier. But I know that right now it's not easy.

On the food thing, yoghurts, cheese, cut up grapes, mashed up or cut up banana, things like croissants or crackers are things I can kind of persuade my fussy kids to have x

Trouble is they won’t eat any of that. Just plain pasta (no sauce or cheese).

they also won’t watch TV. I put it on and they lose focus after a few minutes.

we tried an activity and they spent the whole time glued on us. Tried another where we dropped them there and then they kept saying that they miss us.

it’s clear that they need more connection and quality time with us. Just how they express is is too overwhelming and demanding. And i can’t be focused on them 100% of the time. I’ve got my own needs to meet and I never get to and then I feel so guilty. I genuinely just want to shut the door and disappear

It seems sad that it’s seen as “lucky” for their other parent to do their fair share. Op you have a DH problem that you need to sort out urgently.

Dh batch cooks
Give them what they eat eg plain pasta plus a banana
Where do they gey the "I miss you" concept from?
"I miss you too now go have fun see you in one hour"
If they should like the activity give it six weeks before stopping
"This is what you are doing go have fun"

And go see gp maybe some cbt or online talking therapy

and book one thing a week you do for you book club choir sport etc and leave dh in charge

Take a sandwich to the park if they get hungry have a picnic

Of course you aren’t being unreasonable. Sounds like utter shite. You work full-time and you‘ve chosen to have two kids, close in age. And right now they are young. You are in the trenches. Women with decent husband would struggle too.

You can hardly send the kids back- so you need to outsource some of the shitwork and make your husband do more. That’s the only way to solve your problem.

You have a useless DH, giving in and giving them sugar then wonder why they can't concentrate. I mean this kindly, my kids eat what I make or they go hungry, it's that simple. How's their behaviour at nursery?

What are they like at school and pre school

Maybe you need to be tougher and lay down more boundaries and consequences if they don't do as you ask

Book an activity and let dh take one

@Sayingitstraight and what happens when they go hungry? Because I’ve tried that, and then mine have absolute catastrophic hangry meltdowns, won’t sleep, and wake frequently in the night crying. Yes even when they’ve had toast or similar before bed.

I hate it when people suggests this.

Especially the eldest was making trouble not wanting to go, despite saying he likes the activity. He went for 6 months and then at some point we were having a conversation and he said “I miss you when I go there, I don’t like now seeing you”

I remember this era. Have you got a sister/pal who lives somewhere far enough away that it feels like you’re escaping? If so, pack a bag and fuck off to visit her one Friday night. Have a bath, a chat, some wine, go round the shops and spend some time staring into space. Return on Sunday.

Repeat this regularly as often as necessary until DH develops some balls/skills. They won’t die, your DH knows where the chippy is. I know you said don’t fixate on it but honestly, he needs to step up and learn to be a father. ‘What would you do if I wasn’t here’ needs to become a reality. It’ll be better for everyone, honestly.

They don’t eat sandwiches or pizza or anything really. We tried picnics and they didn’t eat a bite

No we don’t have anyone in the UK. I had to leave for a few days suddenly due to a death in the family and he said they managed fine and doesn’t know why I make such a fuss. But I had arranged for babysitting who also did all the meals, and extra cleaner so realistically he only had to do the fun stuff and keep them alive

There's a lot of stress in your household. The kids seem to be picking up on your and dh's stress levels.
And I'm not surprised when both of you work full time and are raising young kids.
Often, reducing working hrs can really help in this situation. Is that a possibility?

The other thing I'd suggest is spend lots of time outdoors in nature with your kids. It will be so beneficial for them. Take a tub of plain pasta and anything else your Dc will eat and go off with a ball, frisbee or a couple of kites and just play together.
Go swimming as a family and do fun silly things.
Bring some fun and laughter into your lives.

As far as your useless dh is concerned,'book' him to take the dc out to the park.

Show your dc lots of love and affection throughout the week so they're not in 'deficit'. Tickle them, chase them and cuddle them. You can all let off a bit of steam doing that.

One last tip - I read once to pretend that someone is recording you for a parenting show, like super nanny or something, and act like you want the public to see you in a good light, even when you're disciplining your dc. A version of fake it til you make it.

Thats the main reason I am so anxious about proper nutrition. I would let them be but then the meltdowns are impossible to manage