To genuinely hate weekends with kids

[ithinkineehelp]

I need to rant as I can’t take it any more. I HATE weekends, to the point that it makes me question why I ever became a mother. I have two boys 5 yo and 3.5 yo. I WANT to enjoy them but they are too much!!! From the moment they wake up (7ish) to the time they go to bed (8ish) they just want want want. It’s constant!! They keep doing their own things, they scream ALL DAY they whine about everything and they whole vibe at home is so negative.
I shout so much and I become a person I hate, but I feel that I am so sick of this whole motherhood thing. I am so overwhelmed and overtouched and overtalked. I can’t do anything I like or eat anything I like. They won’t eat anything, they won’t watch tv not even for 5 minutes, if they play together they pull all the toys down and make a mess and then they fight over one toy. I have to constantly be on top of them. I have zero down time or any time to catch up on any housework or anything else that's not kids related. My husband is useless so everything is on me (story for another thread, please dont fixate on this!!!).
I also have to batch cook for the coming days (we both work full time), sort out all the weekend meals (my kids won’t eat take out or anything from a restaurant) but then they won’t eat anything anyway. I might need to pop to the shops but if I take one of the kids with me I end up yelling or too annoyed at them. We take them out to parks and stuff but they soon get hungry, won't eat anything and then they are miserable. I love them to bits and I want to enjoy them but I can’t!!! They are too much along with everything else I need to do!! I hate my life and I wish I could just leave or jump out a window sometimes... Everyone keep telling me that I am still in the trenches but honestly when will it get easier?? I just need them to eat the food I make them and watch TV without talking to me for an hour! Is it too much to ask??

Also just a thought but things like stir fries or omlettes or a chick breast wit some roasted veg in the airfryer are quicker and easier than batch cooking or just as quick and less time consuming. A salad? I used to have some hot rice or potatoes or pasta with "things chopped into it" like anything that's in the fridge tomatoes cucumber onion a few nuts some seeds bit of cooked chick . Bit of dressing and v quick dinner .

It sounds like you dh doesn't know how to structure the time with your sons and feels like he'd do a bad job so won't try at all. Since I had my son I've noticed a huge diffference in his behaviour and natural wiring compared to my dds. Fathers are so influential to their sons. I know you're tired. I have two young ones both at home too and know how exhausting it is.

If you can find the time (you mentioned commuting on the train) I recommend reading the following books:
Raising boys by Steve Biddulph (if you have a kindle it might be free - at least it was when I downloaded it). It gives an overview of boys developmental stages and the separate roles of mothers and fathers.

Calmer, Easier, happier boys. It will suggest strategies to help with their behaviour. It will give you lots of good and practical suggestions. I've even used some of them them on my dh and found it yields results with him (you never know, it might help you with yours!)

It sounds to me that your ds are craving your attention and seeing your dh as the authority on food. They know he'll give them treats and if they act up he'll give in. They don't see you as leading on this.

At a neutral time after the boys are asleep talk to your dh and try to plan how the next weekend will work. Being outside as the weather gets better is much easier. What does he eat for lunch? Make the same for the children and tell them they are eating the same as daddy. Get him to eat it at the same time as them (make sure you eat too!).

Do they eat pizza at nursery/ school? They could make their own as an afternoon activity for dinner. They can make yours too. Feeling like they're contributing should help them to feel involved and that also takes care of a main meal. If you want salad then make it whilst overseeing them putting cheese on the pizza. It will really help if your dh stays in the kitchen (hopefully sitting with them) whilst they do this. Once they're out of the bad habit it will be a distant memory.

Agree. I'm not convinced batch cooking saves much time. Seems a lot of work. I'd rather cook quick things every night instead

OP- I have two very close in age and suffered from severe PND and can completely relate to the a very angry outbursts (yours, not the Children’s), the fear of being left alone with both because you'd know what was to come with the whinging and whining, tears and tantrums, the clinginess, etc. I too was overstimulated, overstimulated and overanxious (re: Children’s fussiness around food), etc. I carried on like this for years until I knew what needed changing- kicking a useless husband out and reducing my workload of having another person to direct/look after. I still have scary moments but I'm generally calmer, the children happier and the house a better place to be. Get the husband on board or as someone else said, kick him out and go it alone because it seems like you already are. Hang in there though- it'll get better.

I have a 2,5 and 7yo (all boys) so I am right there with you on the weekend feels (also work full time). I regularly feel overwhelmed and shouty and like I can’t wait to get back to work for the break of the constant-ness of it all…

On the food front, have you tried letting them serve themselves? Like having a few different things some of which you know they’ll eat and some of which are ‘new’ to them (at least at home!) and let them decide? They’ll eat the stuff they normally eat which will at least stop them getting super hungry but you might find they also pick some other stuff because they are choosing to. Some fruit or veggie sticks for example alongside their pasta or bread or whatever they like and build it up to more exciting things.

Bathtime has been a saviour for me. Doesn’t matter if it’s in the middle of the day. They love bath fun and generally play nicely (for a while) which gives me a bit of headspace.

Outdoors too, walking rather than going to a park (where they will inevitably want to be at opposite ends of the park wanting you to help them both at the same time). Do yours have bikes? I find a bike or a scooter keeps them going longer so the walk is longer (which again is beneficial for my stress levels!), walking is a stress reducer. Ideally a park or somewhere they’re not going to ride into traffic. Even better if there’s a goal part/half way through the walk (feeding ducks?).

I often wear earphones and listen to some of my music when making dinner/food prep. It allows me to zone out of the whining. I’m aware that they aren’t in danger but it helps reduce my stress levels for a little bit.

i think the kids also need to become a bit bored so that they learn to entertain themselves… which will involve some whining and moaning and will be a gradual thing (don’t feel guilty) but when they want your attention to play something don’t go running straight away, let them wait 2,5,10 minutes. Eventually they will learn to entertain themselves better to give you a bit of breathing (hopefully)

OP it sounds awful. This is a difficult age but it's more than that. Hand hold and a couple of suggestions;

1. My kids are 8 and 4. The oldest one steals candy wherever you put it so I now have bought a plastic lockbox with a combination code that all the candy lives in. It comes out for rewards only (they have a points system for good behavior, once per day they are allowed to buy candy with points amongst other things). You could get the box and not tell DH the code. If you can reduce the sugar I am very confident the behaviors will get easier. I see the full spectrum of too much sugar at home, it's like a drug!

2. I think pp may have said this but I would not worry about filling them up with snacks (I know it's not ideal but sometimes it's the least bad alternative). Just try to find snacks without sugar in. My kids also have a very limited (though different) range of acceptable foods so I get it.

We do a lot of goldfish snacks. I also do those fruit pouches (which do have sugar but I feel the vitamins make up for it).

Try experimenting with a range of easy savory snacks and see if anything takes. Will they eat butter popcorn for example or only sweet popcorn? Or plain butter crackers? Or those individually wrapped supermarket croissants, with nothing on them (both mine live on these when we are in the uk).

It does sound like the best solution is plenty of time out and about and the only way to enjoy that is to solve the hangriness.

One other thing I have started doing with mine is taking just one of them to the weekly supermarket shop with me and billing it as quality time together. I buy the one who comes a little treat and the other one stays home with DH.

It's definitely DH giving them sugary snacks messing up the food.
Can you just not buy any sugary snacks at all.

Then he can't give them any.

Hide yours away somewhere.

My 3.5 yr old is in his plain white rice phase. Some days when everything is a battle I just accept that is all he's eating for dinner. If your boys are having nutritious meals at nursery a couple of meals of plain pasta isn't the end of the world. Be kind to yourself and pick your battles.

I agree - you can have lots of healthy things on the table in under half an hour while you get the water, plates, etc out or make a salad dressing. Just a thought OP as it sounds like a lot of pressure when you could be just taking them out to run off steam.

They are playing you.
They will eat. They just hold out for sugary snacks. Mine did the same.
Take a week off work. And have the energy to train them. The 3.5 year old will get much better at 4.
Can you take the five year old out alone and get them to eat some different things with you.

It gets much better when the 3.5 hits 4.
They will start watching tv and won't stop.
You will miss it. Bizarre but you will.

This, persevere.

My dd screams the place down with new food, tears down cheeks , unbearable.

After the 4th morsel, she's calmed and then eats the normal made dinner.

I was this mum when my second came along and he is a handful. I would be shouting constantly but I’ve changed my approach and only shout if absolutely necessary and it’s working (only been a few months). He’s nearly 3 now and the balance is getting there but it’s still tough. My oldest is 6. I reduced my working days to 3(not an option for a lot of people but something to consider) so I have time on Mondays to sort the house out then on Wednesdays I can take my youngest out to softplay or the park or just play at home and have 1-1 time. The other thing is my eldest was the fussiest eater and I would just give her what she wanted now second child is getting fussy and I just dish up dinner and if they don’t eat it then tough they’ll eat if they are hungry. I do offer fruit in between and a banana at bedtime if I know they haven’t eaten much. You should try putting the youngest to bed a bit earlier and spending some 1-1 time with the eldest it helps. I agree with other posters you really need to communicate with your OH I’m sure he isn’t feeling as stressed as you and tbh he sounds like a bit of a loser father and partner you should be a team.

I get this. My children are older now (8 and 13) but I do remember weekends, holidays, days out etc being hellish when they were little. I also remember feeling like a really shit parent when I hated the time we had together when it was hellish (which was quite often for one reason or another!!)
Now that they are older I do see everything as a phase. It passes. One day you will enjoy your weekends again I promise! Give yourself some grace. Parenting is f'ing hard and if more people were as honest as you maybe we wouldn't beat ourselves up so much about it.

Sounds like your exhausted and children sense and feel that. Full time must be tough can you not go part time at least until they are in school. Would give you time to focus on them, not feel like your always one step behind struggling. Have time to plan things etc would change the whole vibe.

Just to say I wouldn't manage this 😂 but from outside looking in, could you grab some breakfast in a bag walk to the park. Let them have an hour in fresh hour - eat and then go home and maybe they would settle a bit more. Then clearly tell them right now you lay nicely while I do X / tell useless husband you need to have them for an hour. Then you play with them for half hour. Rinse repeat. Much easier said than done, only to say it won't last forever xx

You have my sympathy as it sounds really hard. A few suggestions/observations….

Turn the tv off for at least a month-if they are not watching it, then it’s only an extra noise. You can then try again for extremely short periods of time to watch a specific programme which is a ‘treat’, preferably when they are tired.

Try a visual timetable and divide up the weekend. Show the boys that at 8-8.30 it’s breakfast, then play with duplo at 9.30, then tidy up, then park at 11.30 etc. Keep it simple, add in times for adult chores and adult rest periods.

Divide and conquer-1 is considerably easier than 2! If DH isn’t helpful then put 1 child at a time into an activity and do something with the other Keep reminding the child who is doing activity that both boys will take it in turns, and they can look forward to special time with mummy next time.

Go cold turkey on extra sugar and snacks if at all possible. Give them similar food at similar times to nursery, add it to your visual timetable. Take a day off work and clear out the cupboards-try and persuade DH to have his snacks away from the boys.

Pretend it’s a job-things change and it won’t be this way for ever!

I was there once. It does get less shit as they get a bit bigger. Once the youngest is 5/6 ish. You can actually DO stuff with them. Rather than just firefighting all day. Though I am sure that feels a long way off still.....

It's also sometimes possible if you start off playing with them that they can get into it after a while and then you can slip away.

I always want to say when it comes to messages like this “but you raised them” “you let them get away with things so they behave accordingly now” sorry I’m in no way perfect as a mother but I have molded my children to adapt to my life. I used to remember friends of mine moaning because their children got up at 4.30am - yes because YOU got up with them, I used to tell me children it wasn’t time to get up yet so they went back to sleep 9 times out of 10.

I do empathise because some times kids are hard and I know you said not to fixate on useless partner but HELLO is this what you want for the rest of your life, leave his ass least you’ll get some weekends off and he can do some of the work as he won’t have any choice

It’s that’s simple if your kids have a pretty varied diet, but when you’ve kids who would rather go hungry than eat whatever you make then are miserable as hell, cranky, whinging, bickering even more, meltdowns etc it’s just not that practical. When we were growing up that was the attitude decades ago, I don’t believe for a second it’s anything to do with parents been more lenient and giving into kids, there’s a massive change in kids today than their was 30+ years ago, something is causing these changes in them, even testosterone levels have drastically dropped in boys in the past few decades, when you’ve tried tirelessly for years to get your kids to eat a varied diet and they just downright refuse every single time no matter how hungry they are there’s little you can do aside force feeding it down their throats. A family I knew of had the whole attitude of eat what I make or tough, one kid now in her early 20’s only liked 2-3 specific things, unfortunately for her the parents didn’t care and if she didn’t eat what was made then she didn’t eat….and she didn’t, because she just couldn’t bring herself to eat what she hated, she was the skinniest little kid, so petite, I just find it sad that someone would prefer to be a control freak than feed their kid something they'd enjoy and see them healthy.

Honestly OP your kids should be able to play at soft play for 2-3 hours with just a drink without needing any food in that time? You & your DH are making a huge deal around food/not ever letting your kids go hungry as you seem so terrified of letting them get 'hangry'. They should have tons of energy at that age too. Not always tired etc. Most little boys need tons of exercise every day to use up some of their boundless energy. You seem very depressed tbh. Book yourself an immediate appointment with your GP as a matter of urgency.

Oh gosh it sounds like you are really having a tough time.

Re the eating, could you try and kill two bird with one stone, get them to help pick a recipe they want to make with you.
Shop for the ingredients, get involved in the cooking/making, and getting them to taste their efforts? I’ve found with my fussy girls, that this approach has helped them be a little more adventurous because they have seen all the component parts and nothing was scary or off putting, AND they get to have your attention for that time too.

I hope you find a solution xx

This was me the last 2 years. It does get better. My youngest is 5 now and I’m beginning to really enjoy my time with them again. Hang in there - it does pass.

It sounds utterly shit and demoralising for you OP but ultimately, if your children behave well and eat normally at nursery then I suspect you largely have a DH problem. Of course they don't want to eat decent food when they know that if they whinge and whine enough, DH (maybe you too?) will give in. They're not silly!
Oh and if my DH asked me why I was overwhelmed and couldn't manage the two kids together because other people do, I'd be turning it round and asking him the same thing!
You're burnt out. And he's letting you burn.