To genuinely hate weekends with kids

[ithinkineehelp]

I need to rant as I can’t take it any more. I HATE weekends, to the point that it makes me question why I ever became a mother. I have two boys 5 yo and 3.5 yo. I WANT to enjoy them but they are too much!!! From the moment they wake up (7ish) to the time they go to bed (8ish) they just want want want. It’s constant!! They keep doing their own things, they scream ALL DAY they whine about everything and they whole vibe at home is so negative.
I shout so much and I become a person I hate, but I feel that I am so sick of this whole motherhood thing. I am so overwhelmed and overtouched and overtalked. I can’t do anything I like or eat anything I like. They won’t eat anything, they won’t watch tv not even for 5 minutes, if they play together they pull all the toys down and make a mess and then they fight over one toy. I have to constantly be on top of them. I have zero down time or any time to catch up on any housework or anything else that's not kids related. My husband is useless so everything is on me (story for another thread, please dont fixate on this!!!).
I also have to batch cook for the coming days (we both work full time), sort out all the weekend meals (my kids won’t eat take out or anything from a restaurant) but then they won’t eat anything anyway. I might need to pop to the shops but if I take one of the kids with me I end up yelling or too annoyed at them. We take them out to parks and stuff but they soon get hungry, won't eat anything and then they are miserable. I love them to bits and I want to enjoy them but I can’t!!! They are too much along with everything else I need to do!! I hate my life and I wish I could just leave or jump out a window sometimes... Everyone keep telling me that I am still in the trenches but honestly when will it get easier?? I just need them to eat the food I make them and watch TV without talking to me for an hour! Is it too much to ask??

I just remembered these and came back to suggest them myself. I wish so much I had them when mine was a baby - he cried a LOT and it was painful. They really take the edge off.

DS was unable to watch TV for even 5 mins at that age. He wouldn't play with any toys. We just used to go out all the time. Junior football, gym, swimming were good for us.

You probably do need to tag team a little tho - your DH could take them out for an hour to allow you time to get stuff done. In my experience it was impossible to get much achieved in the house.

I remember a colleague saying young boys are like Labrador puppies. They need a run around couple of times a day just to get rid of energy.

Can you get a pass to a local farm/zoo/softplay to have a regular place to go?

Why do you need to batch cook? I rarely do and we manage to eat healthily. I think you are putting too much pressure on yourself. Get a zoo pass or something and take them out first thing - somewhere with coffee and cake - and then they might be tired enough to watch TV when you get back.

Don't shoot me down for this, but I have ADHD and recognise a lot of things in your post about you (overstimulated by their talking and touching), your husband (struggles even more than you to cope), and the children (sensory issues over eating, inability to play properly or even focus on TV).

Screams ND of some kind to me. A lot of parents end up with each other and have kids and it all falls apart then suddenly the children are diagnosed and they look at themselves and realise they are undiagnosed and it all makes sense.

It's not really an answer or quick fix, but something to think about.

Honestly I could make some suggestions but you’ve had plenty of those so I will just say - it gets better. I’m a single parent of two and sometimes on a Friday night would be in tears at the thought of the weekend. Mine are now 12 and 8 and everything is so, so much better, I would say enjoyable even.

Firstly I am so sorry you are going through this. Been there and tough in the trenches.

I found Big Little Feelings so helpful - please check them out on Insta some really good posts on how to handle 1 to 6 year olds and help for adults in a non judgy way acknowledging sh*t is hard.

Hang in there you sound like a wonderful caring mum who just needs a break.

https://www.instagram.com/biglittlefeelings?igsh=cTMwaTR0dTgzeG9x

Another thing that might help is how your home feels.
With young children there's bound to be some mess and clutter but keeping a home fairly clean, reducing clutter, getting rid of broken and old things (or fixing them), playing relaxing music, having some plants and opening windows can change the 'energy' of your home.
Hopefully that can help to reduce the stress you feel and make your home feel calmer.

I know you said don't fixate on your DH, but there is so much 'DH won't' on here. He won't take them out together. He won't take them to things unless you find and organise them. He won't stop giving them junk and bribing them with it. He's a big part of the problem. He needs a serious kick up the arse.

Talk to him calmly. Tell him when he is going on the defensive and that this is not constructive; you're not interested in fighting with him, you need to approach these issues together.

As for you 'moaning too much' and 'others do it, why can't you' – go away again and this time DON'T arrange babysitting/meals cooked/ extra cleaning services! Then ask him the same questions.

Just coming back to say you're doing fine. Working full time with 2 young children is really hard work.
Couple of suggestions.
If they are eating good, healthy balanced food during the week, relax a little about weekends. If they fixate on a treat at the end of a trip (and spoil the trip) have it at the beginning.
All the things that annoy you - stop for a moment and ask if you could do it differently. Keep your own expectations low - a lot of childrearing is grind with a few lovely moments that makes it all worth it.
It does sound like your children are keeping it all in during the week and letting it out at the weekend!
Can you outsource any of your jobs? Get a cleaner for example? Online food shopping?
I used to find my DD (her older brother was similar - my DSS) in that they disliked the lack of structure at weekends, DD was especially unimpressed with things like shopping and they both needed a balance of a schedule plus lots of quiet time to decompress. Both were good at playing alone but DD would also want periods of time where she had your full attention. When you are busy this is hard to give but I think children do need it.
I also had a mental list of quick to clear up afterwards games and crafts so there was always something to hand.

Because I work 8-6 every day away from home so I prefer to come home to a ready meal than cook every day

Sorry OP but you need to start parenting your children and quick. Stop giving in to whining and bad behaviour. Reward good behaviour. Take them off all the sugar and processed junk and feed them some proper food fgs.

I was a single parent to 3 sons aged 8,7 & 4 when my exh ran out on us. Poor as a church mouse. They never behaved like you describe. It is not inevitable. But it's down to you.

Is softplay an option where you can keep an eye while they run around together? Sorry you're going through this OP. I know you don't want to talk about your husband's lack of care but it must be very hard for you. Also remember they won't be this age together and as the 3.5 year old gets older (tough age!) they will get easier.

I would def consider this post more deeply OP as these were also my first thoughts. Like this poster said, ND people gravitate to other ND people, and then it falls apart a bit when the kids come along. FWIW, I have kids the same age as yours and its so hard and relentless - I literally need Mondays to recover from the weekend.

I can (and I do) but what happens afterwards when they are tired and hungry but refuse to eat and become so clingy and miserable and whine about everything?

This is not fair or correct. It's the DH who largely gives in to whining/feeds them junk/buys junk/bribes them with it.
It's the DH who's the major part of the problem, IMO.

It does get better OP. It does.
My DS was a bit like yours, only ate plain pasta and constantly wanted me to play with him.
My advice

• don't stress about crap food if they eat well at nursery. Give them plain pasta if that's what works. Snacks also, like popcorn is not the worst so dont stress it, just avoid too much sugar. If they get 5 x healthy meals at nursery they'll be fine. Honest.
• practice play and fade. Start playing with them and then slowly fade out. That used to buy me a bit of time before they kind of noticed my attention was elsewhere
• get them enrolled in an activity and don't accept the "I miss you". Yes sweetheart I miss you too and I'll see you afterwards with popcorn. Just don't give in on this. They will gradually get used to it and it does take time unfortunately.
• find another similarly stressed parent and swap mornings/afternoons. So one of you accepts chaos with 4 kids for 2 hours and the other gets a break and vv.
• find some activities that don't overwhelm DH that he can do eg going to playground and get him to do that. Even if it means an ice-cream, if it gives you a couple hours it's worth it

Honestly in 2 years this will not be so bad. I remember taking my 2 to a day trip and suddenly realised that they were not a nightmare and it was fun to be with them! They get better promise!

I love weekends but I have a larger age gap than you between my two. We also have two TVs so when I start getting frayed around the edges, TV goes on with each kid's favourite programme on it while I re-orientate. I feel no guilt. It's better than me shouting at them.

I also have some ear buds and, when I'm feeling really ratty, I listen to music with the volume turned up while I do all the chores and cooking. It drowns out the sound of their voices and I just nod and smile at them through the music and pretend that I've heard what they said. Quite often that's enough.

It is really hard OP. Especially if you have no family to help you out. Just relentless at those ages.

Honestly what kept me sane was DH and I carving up the weekend so we each got a lie in one morning and we each had a block of child free time of a few hours to do what we wanted. A weekend routine with a Saturday morning activity for older kid (not too early) helped us too as that gave some structure to the day.

Definitely a big turning point was when it got a lot less difficult to manage both kids together. Which for us was once the youngest was about 3, so hopefully it’s not long now for you. I think you both need to suck up taking them both out together with one adult. Just to the park or soft play or something easy for a few hours. Then the other parent can have a proper break or get on with stuff in peace.

It’s not forever. Mine are 6 and 8 now and I’m going to have to call them in for bedtime soon. I’ve barely seen them all evening other than dinner as they’re playing outside together in the garden.

Sorry op I haven't read the whole thread.

Are you taking them out on Saturday and Sunday. When my dc were that age, I'd take them out every single day to the park. Whatever the weather was, I'd take them. My ds basically had to run every single day! You need to get them running and burning off their energy every day first thing.

You could solve most of this by NOT allowing, excusing and enabling your DH’s uselessness. Why are afraid of challenging this?

The role model of male/female relationships you are both setting for those boys is also regressive. This is not healthy in modern Britain for boys to bought up by ‘useless’ men and domestically enslaved overwrought women.

You are in a very negative rut. Try starting a fresh day being really upbeat and praising every single thing they do don't worry about the food leave it there for them they will eat if they are hungry but don't give them anything else ! Positivity will rub off on them. The more you tell them how good they are the more they will want to please you

It sounds awful and unsustainable for you OP. Your posts are a bit worrying. You sound hopeless, ashamed and like you maybe can't see any possibilities here. In your position I would get any help possible. Like reducing work hours, paying for extra childcare, help in the home or meals for yourself (if you can afford it). The situation with your DH is clearly dire - if he is so overwhelmed by the kids does he need help himself? Like GP to start? You can't manage on your own, and this is not a failing. You are doing your best but it's too much. I think things can't change until you accept you are not at fault and start being kind to yourself. This can be extremely hard to do.and sometimes as mothers we are primed to expect ourselves to do everything, sort everything, and blame ourselves if it doesn't seem to be working. That is BS! You are only human and you need your own space and time.
Please ignore a pp telling you to step up. We are not meant to do this on our own on top of a full time job and with a needy adult to look after as the icing on the cake .
I'll say it one more time: you're not failing OP.

Remember Samaritans is there 24/7 for a call. 116 123 assuming you're in the UK.

@ithinkineehelp

Because I work 8-6 every day away from home so I prefer to come home to a ready meal than cook every day

I would look for short cuts here. The boys only eat a few things so they only need easy food prepping. I would personally accept that for next couple of years you buy a few ready meals, have simple meals like omelette & salad, jacket potato & beans that only take a few mins prep.

Yes divide and conquer tis the only way with tricky littles.

Sympathies OP.

OP I had similar until I split with my ex. Suddenly I had whole weekends to myself!!! It was so much easier. But I used to tho k why did it take us separating for me to get a break. At first I used to sleep and sleep
Usually all day and all night. I was so tired! But gradually i got to do things I liked. Honestly maybe you need a convo with your dh. You're at breaking point. And the other thing I did even before we separated was go down to 4 days. Weekends were slightly easier as I was able to get on top of laundry and housework on my "day off" as ex used to call it